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today's episode is brought to you by function of beauty function of beauty is the world leader in customizable beauty offering precise formulas for your hair's specific needs here's how to get started first you take a quick but thorough quiz to tell them a little bit about your hair type and your hair goals such as lengthening volumizing or oil control and because your hair changes with the season you can change your hair goals before every shipment the thing i love the most about function of beauty is it comes to your door you don't have to go pick it up you don't have to put shoes on and go to the store and go shopping no you make you place your order on your phone on your laptop and it comes to your door all you have to do is take a couple steps to the front door amazing amazing i love it so guys literally what is the point we never have to buy off the shelf again just to be disappointed over and over go to functionofbeauty.com advice to take your quiz and save 20 off your first order that applies to their full range of customized hair skin and body products go to functionofbeauty.com advice to let them know that we sent you and to get 20 off your order functionalbeauty.com advice all right ash yes i have two guinness world record um things thanks okay um and you're gonna try to guess okay how tall do you think the tallest man ever recorded was tallest man ever five seconds five oh four eight foot wow close yeah yeah eight foot eleven inches did you look at me screaming no i didn't look i would have never um who was the oldest person who ever lived how old oh did she live until five oh four 108 two no 1 22 i'm tired just thinking what was her diet like honestly i bet she drinks a lot of water kale i bet she was an herbal tea drinker i'm going to die at 40. because it's definitely diet coke is coming for you turn a thousand percentage oh no it's not funny i've been telling her hello everyone actually actually let's okay let's channel like um you know the like really professional podcast that are like i'm seven and seven and i'm so amazing and this is okay okay you go first no you have to go okay i have to go for your lead okay um hello everyone and welcome back to unsolicited advice it's at the end and this is what unsolicited no yeah what are you talking about okay it's my dream then you start okay i thought i did good hello everyone and welcome back to the show this is taryn renee and i'm ashley nicole and this is unsolicited advice that was like the csi let me tell you first of all first of all hi welcome back yeah for real i'm ashley that's terry um i really did guys i've been telling everyone i slept so good last night and i have come to the realization that this is 30. like i am officially i'm not 30 i am in my 30s i have brand new arch supports in my shoes that are making me walk like a dream i'm on a cloud i'm on a cloud my posture is great and i'm on a cloud and then last night i was having trouble falling to sleep i knew i had to wake up early and i was like oh what do i do i did a like bedtime meditation 10 minutes all i did was like close my eyes and did deep breathing and like focused on my body parts like from my toes working up to my head yeah and literally slept like a baby and here i am today just in the best mood guess what i'm doing tonight a deep sleep meditation for 10 minutes before bed what could she be doing no i it really is like we've talked about this before but a podcast or like youtube or whatever like if you're personally not in a good place it is so reflective so i feel like when we first of all when we're high on coffee you can tell we start talking i'm actually sipping my coffee we always i mean i don't think we record without some kind of caffeinated beverage in our hands um but yeah when your moods are thriving you're a thriving episode i'm really excited for my story okay um also i have a tearing it up you have a tearing it up i just wanted to step up so you're not carrying the weight on i'm proud of your shoulder this is your segment it is my legacy that i'm leaving this is your name in the world yes okay so this is called just tearing it up um hi my name is elea you probably oh she said you probably won't say it right but it's pronounced uh leia but i guessed that so hello brownie points for me i'm in grade 12 and i'm known for not caring what people think but it's hard to not care when the most embarrassing thing in the world happens in front of everyone yeah when i was in grade 11 in my english class with a lot of the popular kids i still remember there were certain classes that i was like the pressures on because the cool kids yeah like some of them are just stacked with like all the cool kids in one you know yeah i mean i was one of them anyway okay um so she continues we were doing a group reading so it was very quiet i had a cold that day and kept sneezing and you know how it's like embarrassing to sneeze or cough because it's disrupting the class yeah it is why is that embarrassing that's such a horrible thing guys i've had the worst allergies my entire life my entire life and especially growing up because i grew up with dogs and i happened to live in literally one of the cities where one of the main weeds i was allergic to thrived okay so i was just a mess all the time and i just sneezed constantly and it was mortifying for whatever reason everything's mortifying at that age but that's true simply sneezing 20 times in class well anything when it's quiet like your stomach growls anything okay so so i was trying to sneeze really quietly i ended up holding my nose when a big sneeze came along because of how quiet the class was bad idea all caps it decided to come out the other end no how because it was so powerful oh the pores i freaking let one rip so loud the kids on the other side of the class heard me one of my best friends was sitting beside me and she whispered in my ear did you seriously just fart i was so embarrassed i was like no i sneezed what are you talking about that would be me completely yeah totally like no denial that is not you denial this next part is you when i read it i was like this is what ashley would do did i say it was my first period class so yeah i ended up calling my mom to pick me up ashley would be like i can't 100 be like i sneeze guys and storm out the room and cry and cry and be sick for two days too mortified to show my face in school even if you don't share this i hope someone read it and laughed i genuinely feel so close to you guys and i've been here since the start i truly love um both of you so much listening to your podcast is one of the ways i cope with my anxiety and i'm so grateful for that have a fantastic day love a leia that's so funny so good that would have killed me so i actually would have gotten up and walked you would honestly like die i oh like die i can't i can't do that it's so good anyways um would you like to start us off i would love to an honor and honor i feel like we kind of do like whoever reads the tearing it up the next person goes yeah i think we try to like give you guys a break on our voices so it's not like if i have a tearing it up and i go first that's a lot of me you know i've been trying not to talk as much i don't know if you've noticed i appreciate that like i try to like really make sure like you've said all of the karen and i have things talks about like am i putting in enough input is taren putting in enough input it's two is one of us talking too much and we care about that we're just letting you know i feel like honestly our podcast flows so well that like i don't think people notice too much this is just us like picking a partner from when you shared that sometimes i say everything and then you have nothing to say yeah do you think about that stuff yeah i'm like okay maybe i'll just say like one point at a time and then let you go because i don't want to steal your thunder that's so sweet i know karen i'm a gem wow and humble get yourself a taren okay and humble get out so honestly it's been weird but one of my like goals right now has been hair health i don't think i've always had very fine hair and i also am like i can't remember the last time i got a haircut but i feel like it's just been the same length forever it's probably because you haven't gotten a haircut in a while ashley don't judge me this is a judgment free zone get off my ad um anyways i love the fact that like even down to like your shampoo and conditioner you should be intentional not every shampoo should be used for every type of hair and that's why i think function of beauty is such a tighten in the industry because it's like they've taken a problem and they've made such a cool and aesthetic i'm just gonna add my personal little opinion um problem solve solve to the problem problem answer to the problem guys function of beauty offers completely personalized formulas for body and skin care as well so you can customize your beauty 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functionofbeauty.com advice to take your quiz and save 20 off your first order that applies to their full range of customized hair skin and body products go to functionofbeauty.com advice to let them know that we sent you and to get 20 off your order again functionalbeauty.com advice you know what the gig is up the gig is up the weight loss industry has been lying to us actually i knew it from birth i've always been told that like your weight equals like if you're healthy or not like you stare at the number that number has so much power over you and it's just not true and i feel like we're finally learning about it and that's why i'm so pumped to be working today with fit tracks dara smart scale because we are all about being healthy for you for you individually and they help you accomplish that guys fitrax dara smartscale is one of the most accurate home smart scales in the world it measures 17 guys 17 different body compositions which gives you more accurate picture of your health 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highly recommend this to track your body changes we love a good app we love it i love a good app it's super easy to use too stop measuring weight and start measuring health with fit track go to fit track dot com slash advice to take 50 off your order plus for a limited time you'll also save an additional 30 with code build 30 at checkout that's fit track f i t t r a c k dot com slash advice to save 50 plus an additional 30 off your order with code build 30 at checkout don't miss out on this amazing limited time offer fittrack.com advice with code build30 at checkout okay this one is titled should i be treating myself better yes the answer probably i'm just kidding always yes um okay let's dive into it hi ladies my name is jamie and you can use my name i am the same enneagram as taran and my wing is a three so you are 10 yeah we are literally the same you're the same person she's the enneagram number two with a wing three and um yeah she's writing i instantly am putting myself in your story so i will give my like yeah yeah yeah first turn will be great at advising you since she she knows at her core who you are you um okay she writes i wrote into you both over the summer and the situation i wrote about is no longer relevant long story short my boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up with me due to his mental health he left the relationship somewhat open so that when his mental health was better again we would be able to get back together but he also told me not to wait for him if i find someone i should go for it i took his word and slowly began to get over him since after all that is what he told me to do i did this by getting closer to a guy i had class with that semester we would facetime every week and text every day for a solid two months i eventually ended up flying across the across the country to visit him for my birthday week and it led to a friends with benefits type of situation sticky my ex-boyfriend did eventually ask for me back a few months ago and i did try to get those feelings for him back because i knew a friends with benefit situation wasn't exactly what i wanted the thing is this guy from class last semester we'll nickname him jay is sarcastic makes me laugh more and makes me a generally happier person when i'm around him for those reasons i figured it would be better to choose the fwb you know it took me a second when i was first reading this i'm not going to lie like fw so many times people will text me and i'll google what does that mean and then i respond so confidently like yeah well now i'm over here just like spitting it out like not a problem um anyways she was saying you guys keep us young she said i figured it would be better to choose an fwb situation with him instead of trying to revive feelings for my ex that inevitably wouldn't come back here's where it gets tricky jay the fwb guy knows that he has a hold on me he can clearly tell whenever we hang out that i like him and i want to sit next to him when we hang out in our group setting he also knows that i'm very particular with quote who i do things with i won't participate in those things with someone unless i'm dating them or they have clearly taken an effort to get to know me beforehand which in this case jay did but also is somewhat taking advantage of the fact that i am in a place in my life where it's not too easy for me to get into a relationship i'm a senior in college and i'm planning on moving to either utah for environmental studies or california for film after college i vote california yeah come here i don't think anyone at this point would drop everything and move to utah with me so i've grown comfortable with the idea of hooking up with jay for the rest of the semester aka until the end of college the other week he mentioned to me the idea of him bringing another girl to one of our hangouts just to clarify this is the only friend group i hang out with every single weekend we only all hang out with each other so that we're covered safe i told him yes of course you can bring another girl over we're not official so you can do whatever you want just warn me ahead of time so i won't come because i already know that it would hurt me if i saw that okay which is very like aware of her to know where her feelings are she continues our friends who we all hang out with know that i'm attached to jay but he is very emotionall closed off the more time we both spend together the more i grow to like him and get attached to him since he has trouble connecting with his emotions it's easy for him to ignore those feelings my friends can tell that i'm starting to get hurt but in a way i've come to accept that i enjoy the time that jay and i have together so we've been trying to keep things going but make them very low key so my question is should i be treating myself better i do have another love interest in colorado which is pretty close to utah and he is the sweetest boy ever we both love film and we text often about fcp i couldn't figure that one out i'm i'm gonna guess film thing oh you she said we're gonna go with final cut pro um she continues i can tell we both make each other really happy i've tried to slowly throw some compliments at him or send him a good morning text and see how he reacts and he seems to enjoy it should i leave jay for now even if nothing happens with the colorado boy should i make it so i get over jay and that i'm okay with him doing things with other girls in front of me when we hang out i feel like he probably doesn't care about me so much if he's perfectly fine showing off another girl around me when we've done stuff together a little list of reasons why i've continued to hang out with jay even though i know i'm digging myself into a deeper hole in an even more messier situation he has really good moves when flirting he's really good in other areas winky face he knows exactly how to get me um with my love language which is words of affirmation and he's memorized all the small things that i like like where i like to be kissed and stuff like that i think the reason i'm so mesmerized by this is because my ex was the first guy i'd ever gone out with and neither of us had had any experience before each other this is like the whole new world with someone else who actually knows what they're doing and i'm impressed i respect both of you guys so much and i'm absolutely in love with mama bear taran i will listen to any advice you give since i know you guys know better than me to think about this logically more than um me just wanting to be in the moment all the best jamie dang jamie jamie jamie jamie jamie first of all what's it like to have options i mean i a roster in a world pandemic a roster my whole team jealous got covered and has to quarantine from me that's how i feel actually they died because they don't oh my god that's hilarious um okay i mean there's so many things i want to talk about all of the guys um i i'm gonna i'm just gonna go ahead and like jump to one of the things i want to mention i feel like you feel like you have to be with someone yes ash dang hidden from you know we're just going to dive right into it do it do it all of the options that you're giving yourself involve one of these boys there wasn't a single option where it's just you doing your own thing and i think that that is a very unhealthy place to put yourself in yeah because there is nothing wrong with you doing your own thing i am totally here for the boy drama i'm totally here for the roster i think that's awesome but one of your options should be super single and super happy yes and i think there's nothing um reach ash i'm proud to you that was great thank you oh love that just pulled that off the top of my head i loved it i loved it um yeah i just i think um i think it's a very popular thing to think that you're only going to be happy or successful or satisfied or fulfilled if you also have a relationship going on in your life whether it's a little f-boy situation or it's an actual like deep committed relationship um but you can be just as fulfilled and satisfied by yourself um and i just i'm not saying that's what you should do i just think it should be an option it should be just as big of an option just as equal of a possibility as um a relationship with colorado boy for example yeah i fully agree and here's here's the thing and this is what i always tell my friends when my friends come to me about a situation they're in that they're like this is probably not the best idea which it sounds like you know this thing with jay it's probably not the best idea um every time people come to me i'm like okay what is the like what is your motivation for doing this then because i think we know when we're getting more out of it than we should be and i feel like there's nothing wrong with if you're wanting attention and things like that especially if the other person is doing the same thing which i think he doesn't see yeah yeah so it's like if you're flirting with someone to get attention but you're not whatever then i think that's fine but your emotions are clearly involved and if if you are me we have a very hard time separating like when we care about people even if it seems like it's a nonchalant surface level thing it goes way deeper with with us as twos than like anyone will ever understand yeah um you know i can start talking to someone and by the second day like if they just stop texting me i'm genuinely hurt because i thought you were connected yeah you know what i mean yeah so i can attest to that yeah so i think that that i don't think this j guy is a good idea because you guys have already crossed a physical boundary which brings a whole load of other things that come biologically biologically not even maybe you didn't want to maybe he doesn't want to but like yeah some there's a there's something there now yeah and i know like i've mentioned this before that i'm still a virgin and i'm waiting till marriage for sex and i feel like people always are like what like what talk about that more and i i do i would love to give um kind of like my reasoning for it and like talk maybe have an episode where we talk about that stuff if you guys want that let us know yeah but one of them one of the reasons like i studied human sexuality in school and i highly recommend to people looking up what happens biologically when you are intimate with another person like it just shows that it should be something that's taken seriously because you like your bodies like physically have things that happen that connect you to that person so it makes sense why even when you're like oh this is like not even a big deal but all of a sudden you're like why am i hurt that he's bringing another girl like why am i getting upset if he's like if we're just why am i pissed that this girl's here yeah so i do think because the physical thing has been crossed over like it is a more dangerous situation um that coupled with you being a two i just don't see that ending well for you um so i think that like like ash said i think all of these options are good for distracting but if you're wanting to set up like you're literally about to go through a massive transition in your life and for me if i was talking to you or if like this was ash going through it i would be like babe this is a time that you need to be fully just enjoying your life that you have now spending time with your family spending time with your friends um experiencing all these things building up your foundation of who you are because when you go through a transition like moving to a whole other place it's not always easy yeah so if you go into a new place where you're already gonna feel lonely you're already gonna feel like what am i doing here at times and you have heartbreak on top of that it's just a lot of lonely feelings that are to come so if i were you personally i would start in a healthy way wrapping up all these things and that doesn't mean you can't still go hang out with your friends and see him and whatever and flirting and whatever but i think you as a whole should be starting to repair and close and find your independence now because when you go that's all you're gonna have is your independence and this guy that's from where you're gonna be like keep talking to them like get to know each other keep a friendship but like ash said like it's like you're trying to decide who am i gonna be with or like who am i going to spend all my time with and i think it should be more of a simple like yeah i'm going to keep talking to him he seems cool and then when i get there maybe like we'll continue something yeah but then if you're banking on all these things and then you end up in california then like you know what i mean yeah no 100 i agree with taryn i think um i think what's gonna have to happen is you i think you need to sit down and decide like what you're looking for figure that out first are you looking for a casual fling or are you looking for a relationship decide that first it sounds based off of what you wrote that you shouldn't be with jay because you're saying that you like him you know he knows your friends now i think it's very clear that he doesn't feel the same way and i think i would i would back out yeah i would just be like cool like you do your thing no no hard feelings you guys had like an understanding and that's fine i would just personally be like i'm clearly too invested which you already said you are and i would pull i would pull i'd pull away protect myself and um start start focusing on the future like the possible moves sounds incredible and um even colorado boy that's adorable like i love that and it sounds like he could he could be like like an actual like possibility for like a good either good friendship or like amazing relationship um but don't worry about like trying to further it and like flirt or morning to like just be genuine with where you are and i think too jay it was like i get it wasting time whatever but the second he started being like oh i'm gonna bring another girl that for me like he's gone gotta go and like i said us twos we love to think that we can do casual flings yeah i'm like i'm the queen of being like oh yeah like fling your hair flying here or whatever but at the end of the day i know like i can't like we care about people too she knows like she actually wrote that yeah one of my favorite uh pastors from transformation church mike todd gave this whole relationship series that i mean taryn and i dove into um we'll link it in our stories for you guys if you are interested in watching it um but he wrote and spoke about how as a single person you have to live your life in your own lane and do your own thing and focus on you and what's good for you and your goals and your interests and then one day you're gonna look to the look to the left and there's someone in the same lane focusing on their goals doing their interests and and trying to pursue their dreams yeah and you guys will be in line with each other whether that's california or it's utah yeah or or whatever i think the main goal here if you're looking for like a more long-lasting relationship which it sounds like you we are which you can decide still um but if that's the case i think focus on you focus on your dreams and then yeah one day he'll just be there yeah no i like ash said i loved about the series that it focused so much on the gifts of being single and the things you learn in that that are so crucial for a relationship yeah so eating a healthy individual yeah even in singleness focusing on yourself and focusing on being single is actually gonna be beneficial for who's to come like you're actually laying the foundation for your future relationships like motivation of like yeah i want to be with someone and that's the end goal but i know that like this time is valuable yes so that that's what i feel like we wrapped up our advice and we were very uh what's called straightforward blunt blunt sure because you asked for it she said she give it to us she said i will listen to any advice you give but i'm so pumped for you jamie because i really do think this big transition i'm always jealous of people who like move somewhere and get new jobs and all that stuff like there's so much potential which is why like i just really i whatever it looks like this time should be focused on building you into like the best version of yourself so that way you can go into this new place and like freaking paint the town red you know what i mean oh my gosh when me and my sister moved out we moved to orange county together for the first time for college that was the most amazing time of my life the most transformational time of my life i feel like i was i became a different person and it was i still look back with like the most amazing memories there in my first apartment when i couldn't afford groceries and i was like trying to figure it out you're about to head into like the best time of your life and i don't want any of these guys like tainting it for you yeah because it's such a great time to be alive yeah heck yeah well thank you jamie so much for writing in i loved the story if you have any updates later if you decide anything please let us know because y'all already know taren and i get super invested into your life sometimes we have to like pull back pull back we can't fix everything i mean guys i feel like this has just become a staple we again are so i'm honestly honored want to partner with better help i i feel like you know when you've arrived when brands reach out to you that are literally you're like the heart of your podcast yes and we've been working with them for so long so long because it's such a good fit committed relationships let's make it official unsolicited advice brought to you by better health yeah but you guys know we are such fans of counseling and the fact that we should not be ashamed to go to counseling and counseling should be easy to find yes guys betterhelp has licensed professional counselors who are specialized in depression anger stress family conflicts anxiety lgbt matters relationships grief sleeping self-esteem trauma and literally so much more the best part about better help is you can reach them in any way that you feel most comfortable if you want to talk to them on the phone you can do that if you want to facetime you can do that if you feel like texting them guess what you can do that also one thing that i think people don't realize is that the service is available for clients worldwide i think a lot of people forget about that so it doesn't matter where you are where you're listening from right now better help is available their services are available to you and then mine and taren's favorite thing is if for some reason you feel uncomfortable or just aren't clicking with the counselor that you have you can change your counselors for note no rate no change in rate whatsoever at any time for free and um taryn and i have talked about this multiple times how finding the right therapist is is kind of a kind of a flow you kind of have to like try one try another until you find the right thing and i think betterhelp has done this um done this right we definitely want you guys to be living just a happier life today and as one of our listeners you'll get 10 off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com advice join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health again that's betterhelp help dot com slash advice so fun fact about me and ash i feel like one of our many things that we've bonded on is our love for jewelry oh all the jewelry like literally jack it up jewelry is our go-to we buy each other jewelry constantly and um knocking alive my heart fluttered a little bit when i saw we were getting this sponsorship with anna louisa because i was like jewelry uh i'm sorry guys if you didn't know anna luisa offsets 100 of their carbon emissions starting with the sourcing of their raw materials all the way to the disposal of their pieces we love to see it incredible we love that anna luisa has limited batches ensuring the highest production standards while eliminating excessive waste anna louise's long lasting pieces are crafted with care from the best noble medals they also offer a 365 day warranty to replace or refund any piece that doesn't meet your expectations me and ash actually receive some jewelry and i think both of our faves is we got this really cute gold stacked chain and that's like both of our vibes right now it's like chains we obsessed with jeans always have at least three necklaces on yes it's perfect yep and i feel like you can tell just by the feel of jewelry lik when it feels like solid you know what i mean you mean when it doesn't leave a nasty green stain around we love to see it so that's our i feel like if i were to recommend a piece their stock chain necklace is like sex chain they also had these gold i got these gold hoops with this little pearl dangling at the end so pretty precious so precious hair in a bun with those on oh my gosh solid so cute so basically here's the point where we send you guys where you need to go to get on this and that is annalouisa.com advice go treat yourself and your loved ones with a unique gift and use our code advice to get 10 off i absolutely recommend them they are such a great brand making beautiful sustainable jewelry so go check them out at anna louisa.com advice well like always ash we have this like connection uh-huh because guess what mine's about f-boys no it's about this person well it's basically the opposite of yours but like in a great like this is going to be great oh okay i'm just going to go yeah how do i find love after finding self-love it's literally awesome i know i know i know okay hi taryn and ashley ashley and taryn she said hi to mark hi mark she said hey mark and unsolicited advice listeners had to include everyone of course i love that a gem my name is samantha i live in texas and i'm about to turn 26 years old in a couple weeks i've been a qualified mental health professional for about three years now after studying psychology and might i just say you two give excellent mental health advice i literally read that and was like i'm sorry thank you now i'm so confident to keep just shoving back to change our like trailer where we're like we're unprofessional now it's right now we'll be like mental health experts everywhere we got one um i do it on the daily so kudos for that on to my very solicitous search for advice how does one find love after finding self-love like many women i too am single and have heard this over and over love yourself first and love will find you i have personally worked on myself for several years now and feel like i'm at a point where i genuinely love myself i focused on my bachelor's degree while working so no college life i focused on my career for three years and still learning every day i focus on loving my body the way that it is and i recently moved out of my parents house for the first time which feels great look at you all right now let's just take a second check check acknowledge that cause get it love it proud of you i feel like personally i'm doing great here's the thing i'm an introvert and never made any attempts at finding love because i just focus on those other things and depend on the love will find me when i least expect it so no dating apps like i said i had no college life and the fields of caseworkers is primarily female so no male co-workers that i'm interested in i'm at a time where i feel like i shouldn't be picky but need to be picky you know what i mean yep yes yes i know we all have a checklist for what we want in a partner and i'm left wondering do i have to loosen up my standards i live in a region in texas where most men don't have college degrees have children are divorce separated and the good men don't use dating apps maybe because they're taken literally it feels like the window to have met someone appropriate for me has already passed because the older i get so do they yeah i am very much a believer in that god will introduce the right person at the right time but it's just so frustrating to think well how much longer do i have to work on myself how much longer do i have to wait so my lovely educated and independent women like honestly samantha um how do you do it do you feel like you're ever going to find love do you feel like self-love makes it harder to find love because you know you're worth like how can a guy love me more than i love myself and if they can't is that enough p.s clearly i'm an enneagram six and a pisces what a lovely combination your friend sam sam sam sam can i just say you picked the best two women on the planet serious event too just now seriously and that's girl theme i freaking think this is a perfect coupling of stories yes because like i think jamie's gonna hear this one and be like cool and then sam's gonna hear you know what i mean to see like the importance of self-love and also it you're not missing much because the guy is not that guy yeah because jay um okay i think like ash said we are very too very qualified wow wow wow um i just want to go get coffee with her i feel like seriously we're like in the same seriously same place seriously my self-love is so strong mine goes up and down i think i genuinely love myself but i also can be like my worst critic at times too i i think that self-love is such a it's such a hard thing right because i think sometimes we can give it too much focus in a way of every we we lose the ability to just sit back and genuinely live our lives because we're constantly thinking about like what should i do for myself am i like it becomes almost this obsessive way of thinking and i do think that it can kind of morph like motivations for things so i i don't it sounds like you have a very healthy way of thinking and i think that we should always be like no we know our worth and anyone who loves us is freaking lucky like that should always be but i do think if we it sounds like you self-love is something that is very much involved in the way that you think and i think that you should too take time where you like sit back and make sure that you are living your life and not just purely thinking every single step you take if it is a way that you're like you know what am i making sense yeah no i know what you're saying i think i think what's happened is i think society has has really and i love this has really taken self-love like the commercialized version of it and really pushed it to where now it's like a trendy thing to like love yourself and like focus on yourself and and screw him or screw her like i'm going to focus on my dreams i'm going to go focus on my career and i think that's incredible but at the same time this is something and i am preaching to myself here because i had to do the same thing a few years ago um it is self-love to like put yourself out there too yeah and allow yourself to meet people and i think that can be really scary yeah um especially when when you know you're looking for something more serious because dating is fun period but when you're in a place where you're like kind of ready to settle down and like kind of actually looking for like the one and you know like that becomes a much more serious thing so i think it can be scary but it is just as important to give yourself the opportunity to put yourself out there and give yourself the opportunity to meet people um as it is to do to focus on yourself and love yourself because um if you don't put yourself out there like no one's gonna find you yeah you know i know okay okay i know what point i was trying to make i have an a i have uh what's called example okay okay i wasn't sure i'm not too confident about where this is going just because i can't talk right now okay self-love has become something that is easy to morph and it is easy to morph in not necessarily a healthy way so for instance i might be feeling low and i'm like i want to go eat mcdonald's right and i tell myself well i love myself and i love my body and i love my curves so i'm doing this because it makes me happy and that's self-love because i've morphed it into whatever makes what works for you yes whatever makes me feel good in the moment is self-love because it's making me happy when in reality for me i know that if i'm getting into an unhealthy place the best way that i can love myself is by making choices to make me feel healthy and to make me feel good and sometimes i have to sacrifice certain things because it's best for me not because i'm trying to look skinny not because i don't love my body but because i know like at the end of the day like if i go to the doctor and they're telling me my levels are off and i need to start eating healthier i can't be like well i want this donut because that i love myself and that's what i want because if i really am loving myself and caring for myself i'm gonna do things that are healthy for myself just like in our earlier story like it might sound like well i'm doing this because i like the attention it makes me happy but at the end of the day is me doing this a good thing maybe not because it is hurting me so self-love might look like me being sad and me making a choice that i don't want to make because i know that's what i need you know what i mean yeah so i think sometimes we have to sit back and not just do like the in the spur of the moment whatever i want to do because that's just a recipe for living a reckless life and actually sit back and assess like what we really need and then go off of that yeah it's not that you don't deserve it that's what's best for you what's best for you and in the end you kind of have to to plan like for the long haul also and if we're talking about dating yeah that means along with the list of other things that you're doing in your self-love routine whether it's skin care working out eating healthy devotion time walks by yourself maybe yoga whatever it is that you're doing for you there should be somewhere on the list where you go on a date regularly and i don't mean like it has to be at once a week kind of thing but like and it doesn't have to be a date because i know like right now things are weird but like put yourself in a position in a position whether you're going and sitting at a coffee shop by yourself or you are hopping on a dating app or you're going to go hang out with that group of friends that you you know there's a guy that you're possibly interested in like i think you need to start doing those things now so that you're in the flow for it later if that makes sense yeah i will say i was very similar to you as the whole like i'm not gonna do a dating app because i'm i too believe in god like i'm a christian and i always have thought that too like i it's just gonna happen at this perfect time and i think that still is truth but i do think like have you ever heard that one story where it's like this guy prays to jesus or prays like every day to win the lottery like every single day and then he never went in and he dies and he goes to heaven and he asks like i pray to you every day to win the lottery and you never answer my prayer and then jesus answers well why didn't you buy a ticket yeah and it's that whole thing of like you have to take we put so much faith in these things of like it's gonna happen it's gonna happen and it will and i believe that but i think too like we can't just sit back in that but we have to also make steps so like ash said like reaching out to friends and being like hey if you know anyone you think i'd be good with like let me know or put yourself out there in this time like i did go on dating apps and yeah i did not find true love but it was good for me to just interact with people again and to talk to people and i think that right now we're in a time where like that's the only way a lot of people can connect right now i was just gonna say i i feel like dating apps get a bad rap i was wondering i mean i get it i hated it i would i would much rather meet a person in real life and like you know i say real life i'd much rather be a person in my day-to-day life and spark up a relationship with them um but never have we ever been in a better time to meet on a dating app because everyone's on a dating app yep so i i feel like you feel like you're like letting yourself down or dropping the bar down to a lower level when you hop on a dating app but it's like no it really isn't your standards are so needed in dating absolutely like you can still fold those up their eyes yeah yeah and also like i know you i know you mentioned like all guys have like these things that you're not looking for and do i need to change that i think they're honestly the older i've gotten and the more i've seen my friends go through things like i used to be like oh i couldn't marry someone who's been married because that would be so weird because i'm just experiencing it but now i've seen some of my friends be get in just horrible relationships and now are single and i'm like they're no less of a person than they were before and if not like they're even more ready to like love and be in a genuine amazing relationship so i don't think you need to like lower standards but i think some of those things are very like very broad reasons to look at where i think you need to focus more on the individual person like you might meet someone who has just had a lot of hard cards handed to them and maybe they didn't get a college degree because they went straight into their dream job after high school like that's what i'm saying like i think i think you are very focused on self-love and your standards and i think those standards are great but i would just re-evaluate like what is really important to you at the core and i wouldn't shut people off based on those broad descriptors like i would get to know them individually and get to know their story and then from there you can decide if they're the one for you or not yeah and i think the cool thing with dating is i think it's best to just kind of assume that this isn't going to be the person that you end up with assume like this isn't going to you know be this like groundbreaking love at first sight moment but like just sit down and get to know the individual yes kids sound scary i'm not saying jump into a relationship with someone with kids but i have met plenty of amazing guys who had a fling they got pregnant and they have a kid but he's grown so much since then and like they're they're an amazing individual yes they have a past but like don't we all you know so it's like yes obviously be careful because that puts you that's a very serious relationship to enter into yeah but that doesn't mean that he's not an amazing guy or that she's an amazing mom you know yeah it's like um we all have our baggage and if you are willing to put it aside for a second for one night where you sit and have drinks or you sit and have dinner like just get to know the person and put yourself out there and it's scary but um if you don't put yourself out there he's not gonna come just like show up on your doorstep one day you have to you have to take those steps towards um those goals it's just like anything in life whether it's fitness um i say fitness because i just worked out this morning it's like the first thing in my head but like if i don't get my ass on the bike i'm not gonna work out today you know i have to actually take physical steps downstairs and get onto my bike to make it happen it's the same thing with work like if you want a promotion you got to do the work like whatever you're trying to strive for requires really hard work and you have to oh my gosh i'm gonna scare the crap out of me you look down like there's a spider on your head i posted something yesterday because my peloton instructor said it and it was the best i thought you wrote i thought you were literally saying that to me because i was still in bed and you were working out no it was the best quote of my life and i posted it because it was it was genuinely game changing and i'm going to say it to you he said why do you keep doing the same thing expecting different results that is the definition of insanity insanity which we're not and so it doesn't matter what it is if it's working out if it's trying to find a relationship if it's your career goals if it's relationship goals family goals whatever you're trying to like get your kid to like respond a certain way this applies um if you're doing the same thing expecting different results why that's insanity whatever you're striving for requires hard work so just accept it and buckle up yeah and that hard work in this case is putting yourself out there yeah i i definitely i feel like i can relate a lot to you because i know like i've only been in one serious relationship and then i'm just not a dater like ash is like a dater i'm not like i've i never have been like i'm i'm very ol school i get very like if i don't see a future with you like i'm not going to waste my time and even ash like had to like encourage me and be like but you can still go on a date and just talk to someone and get to know someone and it doesn't have to be this serious thing and so i forced myself and it felt very unnatural to go on a couple dates with guys from dating apps and i will say like i walked away being like i'm definitely not going to reach out to him again but like it was such a good reminder that like one i am a desirable person two i can carry a conversation and like talk to people and it just like it helped me to learn so much more about myself than like anything and then the next guy that i reached out to i my confidence level and like my anxiety my anxiety was gone about it and my confidence level was so much higher because i had just got it the first one out of the way if that makes sense so i do agree i think you should not lower your self-love but i think you need to assess what is self-love and what is just that kind of word taking over everything um do not lower your standards but be more open to like what really is a standard that you should set and then i think also um it's okay to like get a dating app or reach out to a friend to set you up on a blind date whatever like it's okay to make those little steps because maybe like that's what god is waiting for of like you take a step and i'm gonna provide you know what i mean so that is what i would say but i girl we need we need more women that are just obsessed with themselves and waiting for someone to fall in line with that because i do agree like i love myself so much and i refuse to accept anything less than that you know and so i think we all need that but like i said sometimes i know the decisions i make for myself out of what make me happy are not always the best so i think i have to like always be assessing like what what is the best for me and sometimes making a sacrifice is my way of showing like i'm worth that to like go through a sucky situation if it's gonna make me a better person yeah and like a first date is not a marriage interview yeah you know it's like it's a first date it's so casual nothing's gonna happen like you you obviously keep your standards up but i don't think those extreme standards need to be held on a first date when all you're doing is chatting yeah you know yeah go have fun get a free meal a lot of them are weird it'll be entertaining it'll be a story to tell your story it's a great story have fun i'm excited for you well i love this i loved the flow of this episode and i hope i know everyone listening is probably either in that state or yeah if you're single you wouldn't want to pick one or they're married and happy and are like oh i remember this there's a good time there's hope the drama okay i have a dog we're both just like huh at the same time cause we just now like as you guys know we end every episode with a dad joke um normally sometimes you guys send in some pretty serious stories and that's where the dad joke came from um but these were all pretty light-hearted so but then i took it and ran with it and made it now we always and they made it a crucial part of every episode yeah sourcing it forced it in there welcome to taryn renee's favorite part of our podcast ready yes how do you organize an outer space party i love your glasses how do you organize how do you organize an outer space party outer space martians there's your one word spaceship arrival ready go you plan it how can you tell if an aunt is a boy or a girl i'm just gonna say it it's an aunt so duh female aunt they're i mean kinda yeah pretty much not an uncle they're all girls otherwise they'd be uncles at least i was kinda close the spaceship was bad marsh thank you guys so much for uh listening to today's episode if you're still here you guys know how much we love you you guys are the best um be sure to follow us on all our socials and we'll talk to you later love you bye you