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hi my name is dr. Daniel Fox licensed psychologist in state of Texas expert in their personality disorders and in today's video we're going to talk about the actin process of self forgiveness if you liked the video please subscribe thumbs up or great little alarms are great all those other things that that come with YouTube videos and stuff like that if you like my channel and you like stuff I'm doing do it get in there and also I've heard from a lot of folks who say that the videos are beneficial for themselves and they've been sharing it and I think that's wonderful because my goal for this video and all of my videos is so that people can learn strategies to help themselves and not feel so stuck with their borderline personality disorder or BPD traits and and learn how to get over those things so today we're going to talk about self forgiveness and let's get into it what prevents you from forgiving yourself in a lot of ways it's that core component of borderline personality disorder in borderline and BPD traits that keeps this sense of shame guilt fear and doubt in place that feeds your BPD that keeps your BPD in place and it's this this act of shame and guilt and fear and doubt and that becomes this cycle and it feeds what's called the shame spiral and the shame spiral is is that once you experience this issue of shame you begin to spiral downward downward downward and BPD what that is have you ever seen the movie Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom they're on these carts right and that's a lot like what's happening it's going so fast and you're moving so quickly because the cart is you're borderline personality disorder and you're in the cart of BPD's your BPD cart and you're zipping through all of these rails so quickly and you're spiraling downward so quickly it's hard to hit those brakes because you're overwhelmed but your BPD has also taught to you over time that you deserve it and all of these things factored into that inability or that extreme difficulty in forgiving yourself and managing the issues and problems that that you have in place so I did a video on shame and I'll add that here and but I also did a video on BPD lens and the BPD lens is critical here the BPD lens what that does is it distorts your perceptions of the world around you and what it does is it puts this lens of BPD so you tend to see other instances and other individuals and an end factors in your life as supporting your BPD you support your maladaptive core content now there's maladaptive core content and there's adaptive core content and with with your BPD what happens is is that maladaptive core content becomes so strong and sometimes it's abandonment emptiness it's self-hatred its reluctance it's a sense of brokenness for a lot of folks and what that does is your BPD lens then when you see the outside where when you see someone who is perhaps positive and influential and when you when you see them and they're trying to do good things for you resist that because that BPD lens is telling you they're terrible they're horrible they're just they're gonna hurt you all these other things and perhaps what's happened over time is these experiences that you've had perhaps you have wronged other people perhaps you have done things that you shouldn't have done perhaps you've made mistakes but here's the thing whether you have BPD traits or you're borderline personality sorter we all make mistakes all of us and I think accepting that is the first key you have to understand that the mistakes we make are learning experiences I think it becomes problematic when we continue to engage in things that hurt others when we continue to engage in behaviors and instances and that continue to cause problems not only for ourselves but for others and when we look back we look back at those experiences and we're oh I shouldn't have done this this means that I am ding-ding-ding right and you fill that in that's your BPD lens talking to you it's hard to forgive yourself when you're in a constant state of just self blame self guilt and fear and doubt and you're overwhelmed with all of that so what we need to do is we need to recognize that you have to accept that the past is the past now I would challenge you to go an entire day and do nothing but good things for others now a lot of folks even though people misconceive BPD and BPD traits that they think that that people with with with these issues that are BPD and BPD traits of course right that that they're just horrible but nebula t'v you know person who's out hurting others and getting so much satisfaction from it that is such a distorted view so don't buy into that your BPD lens want you to but don't buy into that resist that because that's it's not factual Hey I have not found that to be true I found all of my clients that are along that BPD spectrum are struggling to be good to feel good about themselves to not experience so much shame and guilt fear and doubt and get over it and forgive themselves for it but no one else can forgive you no one else can combat your BPD lens now a therapist mental health provider or others can help you give you the tools to do that but it's ultimately gonna have to be you don't get caught up your BPD lens doesn't like videos like this because it's it's telling you that guy doesn't know or it you're getting frustrated or you're becoming afraid of some of the things that that I'm saying and that's okay that's part of the process but accepting your past is that first step to forgiving yourself if you can forgive yourself that helps you to move forward and it takes the power away from your BPD lens and that and all those aspects of BPD that keep you trapped in those maladaptive beliefs behaviors and patterns so accepting your past is the first component now we also want to realize that do you have realistic expectations for reparations and that is so you wronged somebody so you did something that you shouldn't have done so how can you try to repair that relationship how can you try to repair that instance is it realistic if you say oh I know I'm never gonna hurt them again and that's good but define what that means how did you hurt that person and I think that that also goes to sort of trying to repair that that relationship when going back to that individual and you have to accept the responsibility for it now the r-word is a dirty word a lot if you don't like it but the R word is a reality and I think that taking that responsibility for your behavior is critical your BPD lens is gonna scare the bejesus out of you that's right but Jesus how do you because what's gonna happen is it's gonna start telling you all they're gonna hate you they're gonna make fun of you they're gonna laugh at you they're gonna hit you they're gonna hurt you now of course if you feel like you're gonna be physically harmed then of course then things things change very much and physical safety is critical but right your bpv lens is going to tell you all these things to prevent you from doing it because you have to take that responsibility and that that sense of responsibility it's uncomfortable at first right nobody likes it but it empower you empower when you take responsibility for your choices and your beliefs and your behaviors and your patterns you then are empowered you are empowered to take control of your life and you can totally do it don't listen to your BPD lens don't listen to that shame and guilt fear and doubt you can overcome that now the last thing in one of the hardest things is leaving your past in the past to commit yourself to doing it differently whatever that is that you're blaming yourself for that you feel like you don't deserve that forgiveness for I want you to think about what that is and if it's something massive don't start with something massive you start with something small right the the best architects throughout generations started with little things right there were Lincoln Logs and then there were Legos and then there were sticks before before the Lincoln Logs but all of these things so you're gonna start with the sticks start with the small sticks maybe you're not ready for Lincoln Logs that's okay start with the sticks and start building something maybe do something small someone whom you feel like you've harmed or you've wronged now don't go through your life saying sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry to everybody and I see that in a lot of BPD folks but because what they're I think what they're doing is they get into the situation where they're apologizing for themselves for who they are don't do that and I would encourage you and discourage you I would encourage you not to do it and discourage you from doing it because you don't have to apologize for who you are just do things that help you feel good about yourself positively about yourself and also do nice things for others do kind things for others a lot of the folks that I know with BPD want to do nice things for others but they get stuck in this muck and this mire of all of this fear shame guilt and doubt and that drives them to have so much anxiety that they end up having what's called a borderline episode in the borderline episode is how you respond with all of those maladaptive patterns and surface structure behaviors that cause all of these problems and when you have those problems we have to go back and take the responsibility for it apologize for it and do it differently and that's the critical component so when you're building with your sticks your Lincoln Logs and your Legos what you're doing is you're gonna go back and say okay you know what i wronged Jim or Sally right and what is that how did you do that and then how can you apologize take responsibility now understand you you may have to you may have to take an earful you know sometimes when I'm when I make mistakes I recognize I'm gonna get an earful on this one and and I do and I understand it but that earful is not going to be months long because at some point enough is enough you're not you're not I'm not going to allow myself to be abused emotionally or verbally or in any other way and that's that's our boundaries right and I've done videos on boundaries as well is that what will willing to accept BPD folks that are along that BPD spectrum tolerate a lot of abuse because they feel like they deserve it because of their shame fear guilt and doubt and that goes to that BPD lens so I want you to resist that you're gonna have to take an earful but the earful one instance okay shouldn't be nine hours long in my opinion but you're gonna have to make that determination you're gonna have to be the good decision maker how much are you willing to hear to meet that that's long I think someone telling me you wronged me by doing ABCD okay you know and I'll acknowledge I said yeah you know I shouldn't have done that and you're absolutely right and then we move forward now you're gonna keep tagging me with it as we go forward see then we're gonna have to have a discussion saying you know you accepted the apology if we accept the apology let's move forward but then you have to forgive yourself you have to say that okay this is what my reparation is and this is accepting who you are the good parts of you the healthy parts of you and also recognizing the responsibility for your behavior in interactions but don't take a hundred percent you have to take a part of it and do it differently going forward but I don't think that you have to be the constant receptacle for all the negativity and we've hit on so many topics and so many topics that lead to other topics and I don't I don't want the video to be you know 9 hours long but I think my hope is what you take away from this video is that you have to accept that your past is your past I think you have to have realistic expectations for reparations and I think you try to repair and do things differently and by doing things differently you you can change a lot of aspects but again it's about taking responsibility for for your behavior recognizing that that BPD spectrum and those traits and beliefs are going to be driving you towards more maladaptive police behaviors and patterns and perceptions of self and others as well and I hope that you find this video helpful please let me know I can revisit a topic in the future if you'd like and thank you very much and have a good day take care bye-bye