Closing the deal in vendor negotiations

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landlord tenant tenant is an MBA student gets an outstanding internship opportunity in another city however he just re-upped on his lease you can't afford rent in Two Cities he's got a subletter lined up he approaches the landlord and the landlord says I don't renegotiate and I certainly don't allow subletters the landlord says I don't have the time or the inclination to deal with the problems that subletters bring they're not vested they don't have an interest in the property I've heard horror stories about how they don't take care of the property they'll trash it they won't repair it and then it takes an act of Congress to get them out um and I don't want to be worried about after the fifth of every month when I haven't received a check from them wondering if I'm going to get paid for that month I know several people who have allowed subletters and the risk versus the reward is just not worth it for them So based on what I gave you out of that fill in the blank for this label if you were talking to the landlord it sounds like he likes what sounds like you like a stable income is that what you said okay thank you number two seems like you appreciate what put it all together me as a good tenant put it all together seems like you appreciate me as a tenant sounds like you or it looks like you hate what we're all together give me the flip side of number one number one it was it sounds like you like stable income what would be the flip side sounds like you dislike what what put it all together sounds like you dislike sounds like you're just like inconsistent I think I didn't catch the last part of him income flip side of number two number two was number all right so number two well it seems like you appreciate me as a tenant so what would be change what would be the flip side of that I can't stand the idea of losing a good tenant boom seems like he can't stand the idea of losing a good tenant what he hit it with early in the conversation sounds like you're not too big a fan of subletters that's a terrible label because that's almost Verbatim what he said very surface level and then the uh the the landlord laid out a few more reasons as to why he was not in the mood for a sub letter and so they're at an impasse what do you think the label was that the tenant hit him with before it was all said and done at an impasse sounds like there's nothing I can do to change your mind and he says you know what you're a decent kid you've always paid on time you're vouching for this guy if we can meet these four or five criteria then I'll allow him to sublet second of the quick two plus one the mirror this is not mirroring body language this is repeating back the last one to three words that the counterpart has given you we use this to tell them please give me more information please go on what did you mean by that how do you convey that by inflecting upwards or downwards a mirror is you repeating back the last three words last three words turns it into a question last three words turns it into a declarative statement said the same thing two different ways to elicit two different responses be very careful with the mirror because the mirror can make you sound distract it can make you sound disingenuous pick your spots think of the conversation between you and another person as a soup or a stew and these skills are the seasoning no one uses too much pepper no one uses too much salt if you hit me with three or four labels in the row I mean mirrors in a row you and I are probably gonna have a problem because I'm going to think either you're playing with me or you're not paying attention you're distracted and the only thing that you can do is figure out how to pair it back what I just said so be very very careful with how often you use it and the plus one is shut the front door stop talking if you are talking you are not learning you're not gathering information it should be the easiest skill to employ history has shown me that it is the hardest I don't know why it's so hard for people to shut up but this is where you intentionally create a void in the conversation it's not because you're stuck um Ryan Cody more than Ryan a lot of Silence when you and I were interacting was it deliberate okay it felt deliberate to me because of the length of time that he went I said I'm just going to outlast it I'm just going I ain't gonna let him beat me on the Silence game right deliberately creating a void in the conversation to get the other side to fill the void silence makes people uncomfortable it's been referred to all of our Lives as awkward silence that awkward silence makes you feel terrible but we are creating a void in it intentionally to take advantage of that awkwardness because I want them to jump back into the conversation how do I know I'm doing it deliberately I will actually count in my head that's how I know it's delivered before or after saying something important let it sit before or after a label let it sit and count to yourself one one thousand two one thousand three one thousand probably won't get past three before average speaking before the other side jumps in the longest that I've ever counted the longest I've ever counted is 10. the longest branded Voss ever counted was 12. have you guys gone past 12 . so let's just say for the sake of this discussion 12 is the longest that you're going to have to go before the other side jumps back into the conversation now having said that if you start to get around 9 or 10 and they haven't broken that silence you got a problem it's much worse than you thought you're missing something significant and that's why they haven't jumped into the conversation so what do you think you're going to do with that boom he said label it how are you going to label it feels like I'm missing something it doesn't it's not rocket science that's what they're telling you it seems like I'm failing to be sensitive to something that's really important to you I'm sorry and just let that sit that usually is enough to push them along to give you exactly what it is that you're missing seems like I'm failing to be sensitive to something that's really important to you all right here's what we're going to do now what time is it how much time do I have left 319. all right here's what we're going to do now I'm going to break you up into groups of three uh at your table some of you will have to move to a table adjacent to you if you don't have the right number but I'm going to break you up into groups of three in these groups there will be one negotiator one talker one coach right now before I go any further I want you to write down write or get get in my keep in mind come up with conjure produce two things that you're passionate about I don't tell me your your family and I want to hear husband wife significant other brother sister son and and I don't want to hear your job two things that you're passionate about and activity a hobby it could be it could be training puppies it could be making kites it could be building churches in third world countries it could be uh travel it could be scuba diving uh it could be astronomy something that if you could get a paycheck for it you would leave whatever your full-time employment is right now that's how much you love it think of two things that you're passionate about in the room or at the tables there'll be one negotiator one talker and one coach The Negotiator when we start this exercise will be able to ask two what questions what are you passionate about and then what about X makes you so passionate that's it from that point on labels mirrors Dynamic silence only to uncover as much information about the passion as you possibly can the coach is in the room or at the table I usually do these in breakout rooms the coaches at the table to make sure that everybody stays in their Lane to make sure that the negotiator does not ask any questions does not make any statements does not get involved in any self disclosure so if the coach does hear The Negotiator ask a direct question just put a stop to the exercise and say label or mirror only when you hear talker when you hear the appropriate skill being used don't be a jerk reward them with more information what I don't want you to we're trying to make each other better so when we're in this exercise and you hear the appropriate label don't give them yep nope yep nope that's what I said yep nope if you hear the appropriate skill give them more as a reward don't change roles until I tell you to change roles the inclination is going to be okay I went for 30 seconds your turn stay in whatever chair that you're in for the duration of the time to give you an idea what it's going to what it's going to sound like um we'll start here with Tim he's going to ask me what I'm passionate about I'm going to tell him what I'm passionate about and then from that point on Tim is going to label and mirror me to get more information about me and my passion as she's doing this you all need to be paying attention to my responses because then I'm just going to point to somebody else and you will have to pick up the conversation exactly where Tim let it left off got it so that means you guys have to stay engaged in this it's not just Tim up here and you you're just being wowed with his talent you got to pay attention to the story so that you can pick up the conversation right where he leaves off when you're ready Derek what are you passionate about I'm passionate about coaching basketball about coaching basketball coaching basketball what is it about coaching basketball that you guys okay so so hold on hold on hold on I appreciate the enthusiasm all right so he's here now I'm gonna answer this and then after I answer this labels and mirrors only you ready all right so uh what about uh basketball makes me so passionate uh it provides me an opportunity to be a positive role model in the lives of young men that don't that don't necessarily have it so it sounds like you really care about young men I do I think it's incumbent upon all of us as adults to reach back to the generations behind us and provide them with some of our knowledge and experience to make them better prepared for what the world has in store for them uh interesting that you say that because uh yeah I did and I didn't have it all right so I grew up in a a single parent household headed by my mother she did the best she could but she wasn't my father it was me my mom and my sister and my mother was out of the house probably 17 hours a day holding down two jobs just to keep a roof over our heads but to the left of me to writing me I had full nuclear friends of mine full nuclear families that had mother and father in the house and you know it was something I always yearned for I always wanted but I never had it luckily I was in a neighborhood where these these gentlemen knew what my mother's situation was so whenever the opportunity presented itself they would take me out and show me how to fish show me how to throw a spiral show me how to play baseball show to me how to be a decent human being and if it wasn't for them I could have gone left instead of right and who knows where I would have ended up yeah don't really father figures male influence figures and you know they were teaching me things that that you know my mom just couldn't do and God bless her she did the best she could but again as I mentioned before she's not my father but she did what she could now my father never knew him he could walk through this door right now today and I wouldn't know who he was but there were enough men in my life to keep me from going down the path that was either going to have me wind up in jail or or worse and no I'm trying to get back trying to give it back to these young men because in the in the place that I coached the last place that I coach this was a primarily immigrant Community right you could spin the globe and you could punch your finger on the globe to stop it from spinning and the chances that you were going to land on a country where one of my kids was from pretty good and so I only tell you that I'm coming to you next I only tell you that because they're already behind the eight ball they're already they're viewed as second-class Citizens if they're viewed as Citizens at all uh the resources that are a lot of this community were just they were just awful and then there were so many other I don't know what the word is but there's so many other things out there in the world that are already and willing to to suck them dry and either send them down the path to criminality or send them to a morgue and my job is to make sure you know Sandy and I come from a profession where we saw the worst of the worst and my job is to make sure that I do whatever I can to keep these kids out of the system to make sure that I don't create another surely yeah and so that means providing them with for example life lessons just using basketball as as the mechanism none of the kids that I coach were going to play college ball I had one kid I'm claiming him even though he left me in the in the eighth grade I'm claiming him he's one kid that went to D1 to play D1 ball one two kids went to play D3 ball and the rest of them nothing so which means what they're gonna make their bones in life somewhere other than the basketball court so I got to prepare them for that and there was one time when they came over to my house we never touched the ball we sat in front of mirrors ate pizza and tied ties all day because they didn't know how to tie a tie yeah I I think it's incumbent upon all of us to convey those messages coming to you next I think it's important for all of us to convey those messages because we have a responsibility to reach back to these Generations behind us and not necessarily prepare the road for these kids but to prepare these kids for the road yeah that that life's path that they're going to have to travel and equip them because at our age well you're you're a heck of a lot older than me you're probably what 85 90. um at at our age you and I have a plethora of experience Real World experience that kids could benefit from you we have seen and screwed up so much in our lives that we can provide that information to other kids so that they don't do the same thing and that's what I used that's what I use basketball for seems like you're aware of this passion that you have oh it's it's a driver without question with without question because at the end of the day I don't coach these kids to make money I did the math one time right on how much I actually make as a basketball coach versus the time that I spend with these kids I think it's like 10 cents an hour it's like 10 cents an hour you know they say bad the basketball season is November through March I'm with those kids around the entire calendar with camps and Clinics and and the like and so no yeah it's a passion of mine and I know I'm not going to get rich but that's not what's driving me you um yeah I think it's like I said I just think it's it's important I think I I made it out of adolescence into adulthood and I didn't do it by myself and so I'm paying it back all right let's stop there for a second the X on the floor represents I like coaching basketball how far off of that X did you move me you'll be pretty far right how much basketball did we actually talk when I first said when he asked what my passion was and I said I like coaching basketball however you were like ah another jockhead they can't can't play anymore so he's living vicariously through these kids and then what do you what do you what did you learn about me what do you know about me now that you didn't know before I started talking one thing by yourself well I grew up without a father okay what do you know about what do you know about me now that you didn't know before I started talking the passion really has nothing to do with coaching basketball that's just my vehicle for life lessons what do you know about me now that you didn't know before what do you know about me now that you didn't know before one thing that hasn't been said already what did I tell you about my character huh I'm grateful what else about my character yeah want to make an impact what else do you know about me and my character be a giver instead of a taker do I sound like somebody you could do business with did we talk business you know more about me now than most people do we talked for seven minutes and you got all of that out you know about my character you know about something about my history my makeup how I was brought up Tim how much did I learn about you nothing how much did I learn about you nothing how much did I learn about you nothing how much did I learn about you nothing there was no common ground I put you guys in a box but there was no there was none of this Tim was not going oh I like playing basketball too I like coaching basketball I cook my I coach my girls softball team there was none of that nothing about you and you got it all out in seven minutes for those of you who golf how many rounds of golf would that have taken you to get that kind of information how many steak dinners would you have to have entertained me with to get that kind of information just using labels and mirrors and if I took the handcuffs off you and just let you roll with the conversation how much more information would you have gathered that's how powerful this stuff is that's what it's supposed to sound like at your table so what I want you to do is get into your groups of three right now assign who's going to do what role you should have your passions already in mind and then I want you guys just to ask those two questions what are you passionate about what about X makes usual passionate and then label the mirror as much as I hate to do it I'm going to ask you to stop oh yeah all right so if if you guys can hear me clap one time if you can hear me clap twice you can hear me clap three times all right who's The Negotiator who's the talker who's the coach all of the negotiation you're a negotiator coach that means you were the talker what's his passion learning new language and negotiating what about that makes him so passionate um as in like meeting the people and connecting the connection with new people uh does he sound like somebody who has is narrow-minded or who does he like to broaden his Horizons brought in Horizon did you label that for him what you know you either did or you didn't I didn't quite use the words brought in Horizons but I did say that you know he likes to be adventurous and explore okay all right all right I'm I'm I'm with that and um intellectually smart guy dumb guy um does somebody how many languages does he speak Russian Chinese 17. I speak English all right so does these does yeah does does does learning that number of languages take a lot of work or a little work a little I told him I labeled him as being a dedicated person because he knows all of these languages uh yeah it's more than dedication though isn't it it's it's it's it's Uber intelligence I barely speak one um what else did you learn about him he really likes that because it allows him to kind of be a problem solver and um um does it sound to you like uh he's done with negotiating broadening his Horizons exploring getting better no no and so he's not somebody that's going to wrestle their on his laurels and what else did you learn about them that you didn't know before um that he's a little shy and kind of shies away from confrontation so that's why he likes it to be better with negotiating interesting all right so he shies away from confrontation but you mentioned earlier that he likes you said something else earlier about him in confrontations gotcha gotcha and so his journey is still him learning trying to get better um and it sounds like he's spending most of his spare time either learning a new language or learning how to negotiate better doesn't sound like there's a lot of other extracurricular or activity or athletic Pursuits that he might be engaged in he's always in a book or on Babel or did you label it okay you hear what she said there she said that's kind of what I took away from it meaning he sent her the signals she did nothing with it the only way that he knows that you truly get him is when we give it back to him it even if they don't say it out loud all of you that are participating in this exercise are picking up things from your counterpart that you're failing to acknowledge and that's that's the way you send that message that I'm dialed into this thing not when you start giving me back stuff that I say when you start giving me back stuff that I'm not saying that's where your true power and influence is revealed not when you start to mirror back exactly what I say or label exactly what I say but when you label what I do not say because every time your counterpart opens their mouth there's something that they're not saying with the words that they used you want to impress me give me back the words that I use you want to wow me give me back what I didn't say because when you start to articulate for me things that I don't say there is no clear demonstration that you are locked in when you start giving me stuff you start you start to look like a mind reader and I say well I didn't say that but they picked up on it and then you show me that you are interested and as a result you become interesting go ahead and switch roles I don't care where you go now just sit in a different seat I mean don't don't physically sit in a different seat just adopt a different role if you think Troy's the handsomest guy over six seven that you've ever seen clap loudly [Applause] all right listen here's here's an observation from me some of you guys are struggling and you're struggling because you're trying to think of what to say next stop it you can't think of what you're going to say next because what you're going to say next is predicated on what they say so you can't think of what to say and that's until you hear it come out of their mouths you're at bat for those of you who know or follow baseball in these conversations you're at bat the whole time you're waiting on the pitch you don't know what pitch is coming so you don't know how you're going to make your cut or your swing wait and see the pitch first take this burden off of you of oh I've got to think of what to say next well you don't know what you're going to say next sit back let the conversation come to you when you hear something appropriate hang a label on it let's see if you got it right if you got it wrong they'll correct you if you got it right this is the only this is the only area in life if you will where accuracy doesn't mean as much as they attempt the attempt is what we're looking for not accuracy because if you get it wrong what happens they correct you so you're always on Solid Ground because you're not making anything up out of whole cloth you're taking what they give you you repackage it you give it back to them and so stop worrying about what to say next if you just let go and just listen on a deeper level your other side is going to tell you exactly what's going on with them what's driving them we got into a conversation over here about food sovereignty and making and making sure that people have uh the response I got when I was speaking uh with what's your name against sir I'm sorry when I was speaking to George was he said that the Creed was talking about making sure that his family ate healthy and made sure that the the foods that he was putting in his family's body his body were going to lead to a long a longer life some longevity and when you started to pull it apart it was more than just food sovereignty for the family it was he was talking about the inequity in society today this trickle-down resource allocation where there's a lot of haves and very few there's a there's a few halves and a lot of have-nots at the bottom end of this thing and how much discretionary time he puts in to helping people who are disadvantaged out when it comes to food shortages or food insecurity and all of that came out of I like to provide decent meals for my family and so if George would just sit back and just gotten out of his own head that's a problem that was the problem George is that George was a schizophrenic and what I mean by George being a schizophrenic is George is listening to Creed and he's listening to little George in his head and they're both talking at the same time and 50 of his brain is offline because he's listening to his own internal monologue let your little George go [Laughter] let your little let your little George go and just listen to what the other side is giving you switch your roles for your final time oh hold on a second hold on say one more observation so what I'm seeing a lot of you do is double up on your labels you you get nervous because you're not sure what to label and then you think of something else and something else follows it and you're going it sounds like you blah blah blah blah blah well it seems like that you're in your own head when you do that and quit working so hard you're the person who's just listening and feeding back off the other person so in your mindset when you say what are you passionate about and they say playing tennis you say what about playing tennis makes you passionate and they start talking think why why is playing tennis so important to them why that's how you stay curious wow you like to play tennis okay and then instead of staying in your own head just feed off of what they give you make yourself a blank slate and just soak in what they're telling you and don't forget to use mirrors your a lot of you are not using mirrors and you're not using silence you're doubling up on labels because you don't think they're answering you quick enough just sit there for a second let them think about it they'll start talking and use mirrors the way you get more information is is stick a mirror out there if they're talking about playing tennis and they're talking about serves involved and I don't know anything about tennis so you know just take this for what it is pick a word and upward inflect and send them in a different direction the example I'm going to give you is when Derek was doing the example up here he talked about Shirley anybody hear him say the name Shirley okay yeah I'm not going to tell you now it's too late so when you guys were talking to him all you had to do was a simple mirror surely and he would have gone for five minutes another Direction he would have heard a whole different side of him so think about the little things they're throwing out there that you can mirror very easily to get a ton of information quit making your mind I mean you got smoke coming out of your ears in this room because you're trying so hard to come up with good labels throw a mirror it's okay you don't have something deep enough until you hear some more information to go to do a good label yeah can you go back to something like Shirley I mean if he called on me like can I say surely because I heard it but nobody's asked about it you could go back he knows who Shirley is so you can say surely you can say it sounded like you said Shirley yeah you can make it a label form if you need to if you're going back especially and then he'll he'll he'll go forward with it then trust me people like to talk about themselves people like to share information you just have to push the right buttons again to say more you're looking for more yes I know you guys were talking about taking the like the the last words so let me tell you a little little secret about mirrors we teach mirrors as the last three words because you usually remember the last three words that someone says we're just making it easy for you one of the easier ways to look at mirrors is what important thing do they just say in that sentence that you could upward inflect and send them in that direction because that's going to get you more information okay and I'm sitting at this table and I'm and Joel did a good job I'm not picking on it he did a good job but I'm listening to you talking all all of a sudden I'm thinking is why why do you listen to so many podcasts why are you now listening to YouTube and all the things that came was you have a very large thirst for knowledge that would have been my label and then when you talk about podcasts and switch to YouTube I already said YouTube like why'd you go there without saying that and let you talk about that it's innocuous okay you really don't have to work that hard you just have to feed off what the other side gives you and throw a mirror out there what'd you say yeah it is all right I'm gonna stop now I'm gonna because I can go forever clap three times if you can hear me [Applause] all right it's getting better it's getting better we're still not quite there yet I'm hearing the talkers give a boatload of information and quote clues about where you should go in these conversations and these conversations and some of you are ignoring the clues they're spilling out and giving you a treasure Trove of information you're hearing the same things that I'm hearing and yet you won't step off the diving board into the deep end deep conversation over here in the corner I'm sorry what's your name again sir Victor is dropping nuggets into the conversation and my negotiator was and Nick heard those nuggets and ignored the Nuggets maybe not intentionally but he ignored the nuggets and Victor was trying to convey to him what motivated him to pursue emotional intelligence as uh vociferously as he does and it had a lot to do with some of the things that cropped up in his background as he was a young man getting older and people want you to be able to listen to what they're saying and figure out what they're not saying and so once I told him or the talker once I told the talker here's what I'm hearing you should have seen the look on Nick on Victor's face when I told him these are the things that that I'm hearing and after I Gave Victor that information Victor all of a sudden did you notice what you did you started to reminisce you took a walk down memory lane and you started to share with me some deeper things that were going on with you as a younger kid and that was one or two labels that I threw in to unlock what he was really trying to say it doesn't take a lot and here's the other thing is that Nick Nick heard the same thing that I heard he just was tentative about going down that road folks if you don't demonstrate that you understand them on the deepest level you're not going to move the conversation it's just it's it's just it's as simple as complex as that what did I have you guys do how many passions did I tell you to think about so you should have one in advance yes hey Derek what would you be opposed to me said adding something no I would not okay one of the things that I also noticed is that once you became the coach you started thinking more clearly just like we've been telling you that pressure wasn't on you anymore so you started thinking more clearly you're hearing the things that that the the negotiators not hearing and I asked I said so what are you hearing and she started telling me because the pressure wasn't on her any longer we're finding that out even in these three in these three man three person scenarios all right you were asked to think of two Passions so here's what we're going to do next now we're going to get into your second passion and I'm going to show you how you can use labels and mirrors to defend your position so we're going to attack each other we're going to attack each other's second passion you got to pay attention to this because it gets a little tricky the roll is slightly changed The Negotiator The Negotiator is going to reveal the second passion The Negotiator not the talker The Negotiator is going to reveal their second passion talker is going to attack that passion negotiator is going to use labels and mirrors to determine what is the true motivation behind the attack does that make sense I will speak slower then Derek there there is there is a negotiator there is a talker there is a coach coach your job Remains the Same in the last round who revealed the passion in this round who's going to reveal the passion the talker in this round is going to attack the negotiator's passion if that is what you deem as an attack then yes so for example what was your first Passion not your second one traveling all right I'm going to attack that passion and you're going to use labels and mirrors to determine what is the true motivation behind my attack are you ready all right what's your name Nancy when people travel extensively I think it's one of the dumbest Pursuits on the planet in fact it's self-serving and it's selfish and people like you who do it often look down the nose at people like me it's selfish because you're putting your needs above the needs of everybody else you get on these vehicles that belch carcinogens into the air just so you can go and have a good time on some beach somewhere seems like you haven't traveled oh so now you're going to call me ignorant that's your move seems like I haven't traveled a lot meaning I'm unwashed I'm uncouth I'm uneducated I've traveled before and I know the carbon footprint that you leave when you do that but that doesn't seem to concern you as long as you're okay sipping your Mai Tai on your Beach the the hydrilla and the ozone be damned oh so now you're going to call me uneducated again uncouth unwashed not worldly you see what she did there that's twice she attacked me back because I'm attacking her passion she's attacking me back by calling me stupid and by saying that I don't have the resources to travel around the globe okay um yeah you you and your ilk imagine if you will how much money you've spent on these excursions that you go on probably twice a year and imagine if you took that money and I don't know donated it to a Food Kitchen how much better would the world be then Nancy seems like I have problems with money so I'm under educated unwashed unworldly and broke is that what you're saying it has nothing to do with travel it has everything to do with the selfish nature of people who engage in that Pursuit that's that's pretty accurate and what drives me even crazier is that they're not important to you or else you wouldn't do it to the extent that you do to the extent yeah you're probably traveling three times a year aren't you you're probably traveling three times a year you're probably getting on a plane going to different countries at least three times a year and then you probably you you probably shop at a farmer's market where you buy all organic because you're so supposed to be so healthy you want to tell everybody else how they're supposed to live um me no it's you that's not conscious about the environment what are you talking about all right so you can see she's struggling a little bit it's hard to do she lashed out she attacked back with it but your job is to stay seated don't rise to the bait of that emotional attack and find out exactly where it's coming from because you will find that what you're being attacked over really is not the issue my issue with her is not the fact that she travels what am I talk what did I say what is what is my issue the environment the environment and the hypocrisy of people who travel often and then you know look at me because I don't have an electric car or look at me because I don't shop at a farmer's market and and I'll buy all organic uh produce and I don't compost and I don't do all of that stuff you know it's like Leo DiCaprio talking about the hole in the ozone layer from a yacht in the Mediterranean what how'd you get there you swim and so that's my issue so here we're gonna we're gonna use the skills to determine what the motivation behind the attack is resist the urge to attack back and let's really be curious in the conversation to determine what's really going on with the other side