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Does she get cold feet every time you get  emotionally close to her? Was she love bombing   you last week and breaking up with you this week  and even though you know you'll probably be back   together by next week you're still in a deep  state of anxiety grief and emotional distress   you're not ready to give up on her yet but you  can't take much more of this hot cold Push Pull   I'm staying I'm leaving she loves me she loves me  not I'm Lise Leblanc, therapist, author, and life coach   and in today's video I'm talking about 10 ways to  respond when she's pulling away from you so that   you can put an end to this destructive approach  avoidance pattern or at least significantly   decrease the frequency and intensity of it if  these responses and strategies don't work there   may be a deeper seated issue such as a personality  disorder complex trauma or a serious attachment   issue in this video I am using the pronoun she  because I find there's just not enough resources   geared to men but these strategies apply to anyone  in any type of intimate relationship regardless of   gender or sexuality if you like this video please  subscribe and hit the notification Bell okay so   number one call it out gently if you've identified  that there is a push-pull pattern it's not the   first or second time you've experienced it calmly  let her know that you're seeing this pattern ask   her if she wants to talk about it if she denies  that she has walls up or that she's pushing you   away don't argue just let her know that you'd like  to talk about it when she's ready to be supportive   in your approach not aggressive not pushy not  confrontational don't be all up in her face   letting her know what you need instead recognize  that one she may not realize what she's doing or   why she's doing it two if she knows she might  not have the ability to talk about it or manage   it and three the harder you push her to tell you  what's going on the bigger the threat you become   at a minimum if you call it out and she is doing  this intentionally as a manipulation tactic now   she knows that you're on to her and if it's  unintentional you will create some awareness   and hopefully a sense of safety for her to talk to  you about it before I go any further let me just   say that you'll need to use your own judgment when  applying these strategies because you know based   on where you're at in your relationship it may not  make as much sense for a brand new relationship   as it would for a 20-year relationship and vice  versa and it also depends on whether she pushes   you away completely ending things with you or  if she distances herself emotionally without   leaving physically okay so number two don't be  a fixer if she's pulling away don't get frantic   and start desperately trying to fix whatever you  think is causing her to push you away her push   may have nothing to do with you she may just need  to regroup and process her thoughts and feelings   she may be scared and that's not for you to fix  that said if you actually said or did something   to cause her to push you away address it apologize  and give her some space if she's not ready to talk   about it or forgive you if she does want to talk  about why she is pulling away don't go straight   into problem solving instead of jumping in with  Solutions just listen let her know that you are   hearing her and considering what she's saying  check for accuracy ask open-ended questions be   non-judgmental number three don't get baited  yes be open to hearing what she's experiencing   including things that you may have done to create  some disconnection but if her MO is to launch   a tax on you while she's dysregulated or in the  devaluation stage don't get baited into arguments   or long drawn out conversations any defence or  counter-attack when she's in this state will   quickly escalate things intensify and strengthen  her fears or other negative emotions so calmly   step away letting her know that you'll be ready  to continue the conversation once you've both had   time to regroup mentally and emotionally now she  may not like this that's okay you're allowed to   have boundaries number four when she pulls away  you will likely feel rejected abandoned and you   might start putting up your own defence mechanisms  you may reactively start pulling away too   I personally believe that a slight pushback on  your part is appropriate in some circumstances   for example if she breaks up with you then starts  texting you a day later it's okay to be slower to   respond and not jump In Too Deep right away don't  send the message that you were sitting at home   crying waiting for her to come back around even  if you were so just to be clear I'm not talking   about deliberately giving her the cold shoulder  or ignoring her messages all I'm saying is don't   reward her for pushing you away and don't be  punishing her either because I assume that if   you are still in this relationship a big part  of you believes that her push-pull pattern is   not a deliberate manipulation tactic being used to  harm you number five examine the underlying reason   so is there an unresolved issue that needs to be  addressed is she pulling away for the same reason   each time if so is this issue resolvable and why  hasn't it been resolved if it's unresolvable for   example she has a severe personality disorder  and is refusing treatment then you can't fix it   if she's complaining that your kids are  horrible monsters and she can't stand them   you can't fix it so you need to ask yourself  how long are you going to go around and around   the same Loop getting the same results number  six do not submit I get that you're emotionally   distressed in that one smile One Touch one word  from her can make you feel better but think about   the power that you are giving to her if you do  submit what do I mean by submit what I mean is   that you're always the one that has a compromise  and sacrifice on your wants and needs or you're   always the one to apologize and take full  responsibility for everything that goes wrong or   you're giving her everything she wants just to get  her rewards back recognize when you are attached   to a pattern rather than to a person if you're  addicted to the rewards you get when she pulls you   in and find yourself working really hard to avoid  her punishments or the withdrawal symptoms you   get when she pushes you away then you need to work  on releasing your attachment to the responses you   get from her you know you might think there's only  one woman in the world for you and that makes her   your be-all and all and that's too much pressure  for anyone it becomes suffocating and scary and   your submission will cause her to lose respect  for you and you'll lose your own self-respect   number seven if she keeps pulling away from you  despite you taking healthy measures to communicate   and stay connected then take a moment to honestly  ask yourself if your adult needs are being met   the push-pull cycle is a pattern of intermittent  reinforcement whereby you don't win or get   rewarded all of the time but you get just enough  wins and rewards to make you feel like you've got   a chance to win big and it keeps you in the game  even when your losses start to outweigh your wins   so don't wait 20 years don't wait till you  lose everything to take a rational look at   your situation number eight if she's pulled away  completely and wants nothing to do with you she's   ghosted you she's gone no contact she's told you  I don't want to see you or hear from you again   stop trying to get through to her when someone  makes it clear that they don't want a relationship   with you then stop trying to read into it stop  trying to bump into them just don't be that guy   because even if you did get her to come back your  desperation will disgust her she'll have zero   respect for you and she'll know that she can throw  you away and pick you back up anytime she wants   while you get more and more addicted unbalanced  and lose all your power number nine along similar   lines if she breaks up and tells you that she  wants to be friends but you're totally in love   with her don't agree to it allowing yourself to be  friend zoned when that's not the relationship you   want with her that is a true Catch-22 because you  will either one invest a lot of time and energy   into a relationship that ends up going nowhere  while being endlessly confused desperate and   heartbroken or two you'll betray her trust by  breaching her boundaries and becoming an even   bigger threat so don't pretend to suspend your  true wants needs desires and intentions then wait   for her to let her guard down and then you know  push your own agenda and push her boundaries at   every opportunity you get this will be experienced  as an emotional betrayal and even if she does   recommit to you for a while it won't be long until  she sees you as a major threat again and starts   pushing you away so instead of allowing yourself  to be friend zoned which in my opinion is one of   the worst possible positions to be in if you're in  in love with someone be honest let her know that   you want to need more and that you're not able to  put romantic feelings aside just yet be honorable   unfriend yourself and back off let her feel the  loss don't be there to cushion and support her   while she finds someone else don't make it easy  for her by letting her know that you're always   going to be there waiting for her don't let her  pause you whenever she wants number 10 don't   chase now this might be the most important advice  no matter how badly you want her no matter how   much you may believe she's your soul mate the only  woman in the world for you the most unique person   you've ever met in your entire life if you have to  chase someone if you have to convince her of your   value or why she should want to be with you she  will never see you or treat you as worthy of her   and if she breaks up with you don't reach out  you know don't reach out through your friends   commenting liking showing constant signs that  you're still thinking about her that you're   there waiting don't make any direct efforts  to con contact her by text email or whatever   staying away gives her a chance to realize  what she's losing and to reflect on whether   she wants to lose this it allows her to make  some adjustments and it shows her that you   have standards in terms of how you will be  treated and in what you believe you deserve   unless you want a relationship with someone who  is settling with you and not really excited about   being with you who doesn't respect your value or  love you as much as you love them then you owe   it to yourself to walk away now maybe you want to  prove to her that you are worthy of her love that   you can protect her provide for her make her feel  safe love her unconditionally but if she continues   to push you away then she has some deep seated  issues but you also have a serious one if you   are chasing someone who doesn't feel the same  way about you who has no interest in fighting   for you I realize it's hard to detach from the  person you thought was your perfect soul mate   but you deserve more than a lukewarm one-sided  relationship if you like this video please   subscribe to my channel and to find out the top 10  reasons for pulling away click on the link above