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here's your side you need to turn left here this you going to see what it looks like I'm not in right now eating sleeping sex that's it all right kids put your sports down thank God you're here please welcome Mr Bill engall thank you very much oh you're too nice thank you very much it's great to be here at the Grove waited a long time to play this place and we sold it out thank you for coming out tonight we're going to have some fun here tonight I uh I've been married now for 21 years now that being said if you had a job for 21 years you'd know that job inside and out backwards and forwards wouldn't you I can honestly stand here tonight and tell you after 21 years of marriage I know no more about women than I knew the day I got interested in them I know one thing before I got married I had a backbone and I had testicles I know I had a backbone cuz I had an x-ray and I know I had testicles cuz I used to make my own decisions I could go the whole day without help from a woman all of a sudden I got married and my brain is went I can't even leave the house now without looking at my wife going do I look all right and I love when I get this response well you're not wearing that are you no no see I was in the closet and you weren't around to help me so this must have been hanging right next to what you wanted me to wear and I'm going to go change [Applause] now I figured out when you're involved with a woman it's like being shot at by a sniper but you don't know where they're at it's like you got this grassy null that just follows you around see ladies I would love to stand here tonight and tell you that as guys we think about stuff that we mull it around in our heads we just ain't that deep guys got three basic needs ladies eating sleeping and sex that's it see and that is our whole day our whole day is consumed with getting to that next basic KN you ever watch a guy around a campfire watch him sometime just stares at it pokes it a little bit flips some sticks up on it he's thinking he's thinking how can I get sex see guys if we could go without sex women would be in so much trouble and they know that but they also know this they know we can't and women good God y'all are like camels hell you'll go Munch you may not want to but if it's don't prove the point by God you will go the distance [Applause] I tell you what I'm about decided if it wasn't for the sex I could be gay hell then you're just hanging out with your buddies it's just when they get that look in a deer camp like hey like all right I'm out of here women will set you up too do not think they won ladies I really don't think you do it to be mean I honestly don't I think it's just part of the game like you ever watched a cat play with a wounded Mouse they won't kill it cuz then they got nothing to play with it's just women women are in control fellas and I'm going to tell you this and I tell you this not to get a Hoot and Holler from the women women have the power and that is okay because when you relinquish the fact that you have no control fellas then you gets to be a guy you don't have to be the man and I'm head of the household forget that mess you can just be a guy which is great cuz when anything goes wrong you just go sorry I'm just a [Applause] guy a long time ago so when my wife and I got engaged I said to her baby I think I know what the key to a happy long marriage is she said what is that and I said I'll handle all the hard decisions you handle all the easy ones and to this day 21 years later we ain't had a hard decision yet now back to what I was starting was the women will set you up and this is just part of the control thing my wife was going through my car one night she said looking for a map I know it's bogus CU every time we drive anywhere she knows exactly where we're going has no problem telling me how to get [Applause] there we could be driving back to our own house and my wife will turn to me go you need to turn left here thank God you're here hell I'd have been lost in a field somewhere just driving in circles cop comes up what's the problem here my wife ain't around I'm going to give you a warning this time don't be driving without your wife anymore we could come up to a stop sign my wife will go you're going to have to stop W you saved my life [Music] again how can I repay thee princess which brings up another Point how come whenever I'm driving and I barely touched the brakes out of the corner of my right eye this what I see what if Dustin Hoffman couldn't act that good and like that's going to stop him from going through the windshield let me let me tell you something you are never going to hear this on the news and the woman would have survived the crash but she didn't grab the dashboard in time back to you Jim so see a lot of finger pointing going on right now so she's going through my truck she finds a pack of cigarettes and you know she's been on me to quit and I know I should CU it'd shut her up so she walks in the house with a pack of cigarettes now instead of saying what a guy would say which is hey found these in your truck you're busted my wife walks in and goes bill are these yours that my friends is what we call a setup question she has given me the opportunity to lie and I always figure honesty is the best policy right ladies oh yeah kind of like when your parents used to tell if you just tell us the truth you won't get in trouble hang on to that dream so I said yeah baby they're mine now this is the leap that a woman can make that a guy just cannot follow she looks me right in the eye and she says well Bill if you're lying to me about smoking how do I know you're not sleeping with other women what evil Canal couldn't have made that leap and of course being a guy I don't think before I talk so I go well I guess you don't come make your little mouse come here and if you've been involved with a woman long enough you know that periodically we have to have what they like to call the come to Jesus meeting and this is where they've had it and they want to talk we had one two nights ago we were sitting at the dinner table me and the kids and my wife we said Grace our Forks were up and my wife goes all right I was like oh hell all right kids put your forks down Mama's fixing a lose her mind I said what is it and she goes I am not the only person in this house that knows how to load a [Applause] dishwasher and I innocently said well apparently you are now wait cuz she had kind of the same reaction she said what do you mean by that and I said baby we put our stuff in the dishwasher and then you come in behind us and rearrange it see nobody told me that there had to be a pattern to the dishwasher you know guys I'm going to inform you right now it cannot go play full saucer Bowl plate saucer all right that just don't work it has to be a plate and all his buddies in a row then you have to have the Brotherhood of bowls all together and apparently food will just stick to a fork in Thousand degree water if there's a spoon anywhere near him laundry room not even allowed in there anymore apparently some of you aren't either because I looked at the dial on the wash machine and it said cold warm hot warm is right in the middle that's where everything gets clean no no no no Bill the whites go in the hot water and the colors go in the cold water and then I found out that there's a whole another group it's called Delicate things and there's a whole cycle just for that see you can't fellas you can't just put a pair of jeans in with a pair of panties cuz it just slaps them around the whole cycle and they're feeling get hurt they're delicate tell you another way she set me up one night we were lying in bed we're kissing we're making out things are starting to progress and one of my three basic needs is about to be met well I've had dinner and I ain't tired I'll let you do the math and she just stopped just stopped ladies guys can't just stop it it's like peeing all right it'll cause bodily injury if we just stop and I said what's wrong and she looked me right in the eye with those big brown eyes and she said is there anything new you want to try in bed tonight oh God think think what is the right answer cuz I know as soon as I come up with something I think could be a little fun I'm going to hear this where'd you learn that oh yeah what your little [ __ ] smoking girlfriend teach that to you did you 21 years on our 21st wedding anniversary we got talking about the difference between that first year marriage and that 21st Year boy there's a little difference isn't there remember that first year you'd pick a fight with your spouse just so you could make up and have sex 21 years later you pick a fight with them just so they'll sleep in the other room my wife never snored our first year of marriage gez now 21 years later sound like somebody starting up an 18wheeler and they never believe they snore do they men no they're like I don't sore there's a pack of bears in the backyard baby my wife never had morning breath our first year of marriage God she used to roll over and go hi baby and I'm like oh God I love you 21 years later they roll over hi Baby [Music] Woo jeez when you eat the [Applause] pum I don't remember seeing it on the highway remember that first year marriage you go swimsuit shopping together your wife buy those little sexy string bikinis oh yeah 21 years later we don't swim remember that you go shopping with them maybe trying on that little sexy bikini and then from behind the dressing room door you hear this you going to see what it looks like and we're like God dang right 21 years later buddy you sitting in a little chair of the store gives you holding her purse and from behind the dressing room door you hear you have got to be kidding me and our brain's telling us don't ask but we can't stop it can I see it no I'm not coming out in this day all right I'm going to go look at tires now here's something I didn't know fellas when women try on bathing suits they leave their underwear on and then complain it doesn't fit right well take your dang panties off who who wears P the last time I had underwear on underneath my swimsuit I was a year and a half old and that was strictly a safety precaution I said dang baby take your panties off and she goes oh that's gross and I go you got me on that one what she goes Bill other women might have tried these on without their panties on I'm like really she'll stop it I'm like sorry I'm just a guy name me that first year marriage Fells you come home from work had a bad day on the job you walk in that front door just beat down like H what a day at work and your new bride of one year be like oh baby they shouldn't be mean to you you sit down I'm going to get you a cold beer 21 years lady walking in the front door oh God what a day at work your wife screams you want to hear what went on at this house today while you were at your [Music] [Applause] job remember me that first year of marriage if you had to go to the bathroom oh dear lord shut the door lock it turn the faucets on turn the shower on cuz God forbid they knew you were going poop 21 years later that bathroom door is wide wide open you're screaming bring the camera it's [Applause] alive my wife still w't shut door and she's going pee that just bugs a hell out of me I've seen her naked I've seen her give birth to my two kids but she will not cut that bathroom door I'm like baby please shut the bathroom door and she goes why does it bother you and I go you want to know why cuz you look so helpless guys we're peeing we're hanging on to something we're doing something you women go pee it looks like you're waiting on a bus it's [Applause] just Christ get a Game Boy or something man see and there's another difference woman walks in the bathroom on a man if he's standing up she knows what he's doing if he's sitting down she knows what he's doing fella walks in the bathroom on a woman she's sitting down we don't know what you're doing and you don't want to walk into that invisible wall do you fellas yeah you know like hey baby my mouth my mouth's watering a little bit I'll be all right hang on Hell the first year of our marriage I didn't think my wife pooped 21 years later buddy she learned how fellas you remember that first year marriage when your new bride was do laundry for the first time and you freaked out cuz you thought you might have dirty underwear so you just threw him away 21 years later you just hoping to hear a scream oh my god did you hit a deer that is my favorite joke only because I don't care what city I'm in I do that joke I see some woman do this of course one of the products of a marriage is children and I have two lovely children I have a 17-year-old daughter that's fixed to graduate high school and go off to college dang I tell you what man you want to talk about a slap in the face that's when you walk on a college campus with your daughter and you catch some guy checking her out yeah then I realized it was a slap in the face my wife caught me checking out college chicks sorry I'm a guy where were those girls when I was in college my friend goes they were there hey I got the yearbook my friend my college yearbook looks like the program from the Yukan nuba dog show all right and not even the winners you know just just not ready for her to be so grown up you know God Almighty you these girls now they're wearing these jeans that are cut down God one sneeze the surprises out just not ready for that man it's you know my wife and I were standing in the bathroom the other night talking my daughter comes in goes hey Mom can I borrow you your razor and I'm like for what she goes I want to shave my legs and I go why ain't nobody going to be touching them yeah you think I'm joking I want my daughter to have those big old monkey hair legs you know what I'm talking about that kind of hairy leg when they pull the socks up the hair sticks out of the socks I'm just not ready for her to be so grown up man I'm still getting over just a few years ago when I had coming home for my son's baseball practice my cell phone rangs my wife she goes hey are you on your way home for practice I said yeah and she goes stop off the drugstore pick your daughter up some pads like I'm not in right now if you'd leave your name number bill please don't make me do this she goes I can't get away just make sure they're narrow oh what is that narrow can't she use one of yours and fold it in half so now I got to take my son with me who every five minutes like what are we looking for Dad I'm like a gun to kill myself so I go to this drugstore I walk up this woman who works or who I don't know and I said hey um listen do um do you have any and if you don't it's cool um any little girl narrow P the woman said are you her father no princess I'm on some kind of sicko scavenger hunt [Applause] said yes I'm her dad and she go honey they're over on aisle 17 so I go to aisle 17 there are like 5,000 of these things none of which say narrow I'm on the phone with my wife I'm going baby please let me come home no listen to me honey there's no narrow this one has butterflies on it this one plays a little tune who finds him my son who proceedes to scream out here's the little girl n P [Applause] Daddy thank you son listen honey I don't think they heard you in Scotland I bought 2600 she's just grown up on me man she's she's a woman see she's Scot she's smart she took her SAT scores didn't take the preest stayed out till midnight the night before 1390 now I tell you that for two reasons one to brag and the other to tell you she wants to retake the test I go what are you stupid if I have scored 1390 on my SAT scores I had have spray painted it on the side of my car the SAT score right there partner I wish my SAT scor had four digits in it that equal [Applause] 13 my son is 12 now and is really getting into girls a lot but the thing about 12y old boys is this they don't possess what I like to call that discretionary Gene yet he and I were walking down the street going over the ball fields the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was gifted and I saw him and I saw him see them but she was too close for me to go dude shut up she hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes God dang you see the size of those things [Applause] good boy good boy and all I could say was yeah I did we had to have the big talk this year I was on the road my wife called me says well you need to have a talk with your son which I find incredibly amusing that when he's in trouble I have soul ownership and I said what happened she goes well him and his friends were on the internet and they pulled up one of those sex sites and I was like oh Lord all right I said baby um did you write down the name of the site just for reference she's like shut up and I knew this talk was coming and I wanted my talk with my son to be a little more informative than my father's talk with me was I don't know about the rest of you fellas my dad not even have a talk till I finally corned him one night said Dad when are you going to tell me about sex I'm 30 but I also know this that kids day are a lot more informed than you and I were and we were more informed than our parents but what these kids know today is scary so I sat him down I said look son we need have a little talk about the birds and the bees and I said but uh I know that you and your buddies have already chatted about this so why don't you do this why don't you tell me what you think you know and I'll just fill in the blank spots but seem rational till 30 minutes later I'm sitting there with a pen and a pad of paper going they'll do that just got to ask huh who knew now if you've got a young man at your house around that age you know this that they think they know everything and what what happens when that world meets the world that's still naive it can make for some of the funniest stuff you've ever seen in your life and you've all had that if you've got kids you've had that moment where you've got blood in your mouth because you're biting your lip because you cannot laugh and during our little chat one of these moments arrived we were having our little talk and I said you know son I said when you finally meet this girl whoever she is and you fall in love and you think you might do it I go you got to swear to me right now that you will always use a condom I said because it prevents diseases it prevents unwanted pregnancies and he's kind of looking at me funny I said you know what a condom is right and he goes yeah I go all right I go why don't you uh why don't you tell me so I know you know and he goes dad I go come on and he goes a condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that [Applause] hums you've been in Mama sock drawer haven't you oh oh my wife loves that joke she goes why do you do that joke you know I don't have one of those and I go I know that just figured if you kept hearing it she's like Bill and I go sorry I'm just a guy oh man he that's what one of the things I love the best about my son is that he makes me laugh and he does it without trying which makes it even funnier he hadd been playing baseball with his buddies one day and I guess he slid and got a scrape on his rear end right there and he came in the house he was whining about D got scrape got scrape got scrape my wife said well go in your room take your pants off and I'll come in and rub some ointment on it well I'm in there talking to him my wife's rubbing ointment on his butt and he farted I'm laughing cuz I'm a guy and my wife looked at him and went Travis and he turned to his mother with the straightest face I've ever seen in my life and said my compliments to the chef That's my boy every year we take a trip across country going back to the ranch and uh just me and my son it's our time to be buddies or dad and son whatever the situation might call for and so I didn't know this but apparently across this country there's been this popularity of topless steakhouses popping up and they're legitimate restaurants just the waitresses are topless but they don't advertise it like they don't say like Cindy's top of Steakhouse it just says Cindy Steakhouse so we're right yeah we're driving across country and I it got to be about dinner time and I said Son you getting hungry he goes yeah and I go hey look there's a steakhouse so we pull in the steakhouse we walk up to the hostess who's fully dressed and she goes can I get you gentleman at table I said Yes Man that'd be nice there's two of us she seats us at our table I'm looking at the menu and I become aware of the fact that someone else has walked up next to the table and I looked up and my son 's eyes are glued to this woman like my eyes were glued to that woman and she goes can I get you boys anything and I said oh Lord I said ma'am I I I believe there's been a mistake made here and my son goes don't you want to hear what the special is honey I believe we're looking at the special any he goes we could split some like shut up boy all the way across that Park and I was like if your mama asked her we had dinner we went to Burger King he goes there's no I go that's right there are no at Burger King goes how was your think I said great the uh I he's starting to play sports a little more seriously now and I had to take him in the other day to get his real a real physical and we were driving the doctor's office and his only concern about this whole physical was whether he was going to get a shot or not he goes dad am I going to get a shot and I said no it's your sports physical there's no shot two minutes later dad am I going to get a shot I go did you not hear me no shot sports physical two minutes later dad I go son a shot is the least of your worries at this point so we get in the doctor's office and I'm standing right next to him drct Che his heart and his lungs his blood pressure and all a sudden the doctor goes all right son take your pants off what' he say he wants you to take your pants off why it's just part of your sports physical son we we wear pants and sports take your pants off doctor goes right take you underwear off Dad I said it's all right he starts am I in trouble for something just take your underwear off so he slides those drawers down and that doctor reached up and just grabbed him do y'all remember that cartoon where the cat would be asleep on the rug and that little puppy would sneak up behind and go and that cat would scream to the ceiling that would have been my son if that doctor had not had hold of him and he is flipping out and the doctor goes son relax I just want to make sure you got four dad two he meant two it's a [Music] [Applause] joke so the doctor's got a hold of him and he goes all right son cough and my son goes he said no boy cough and he goes I for got out all the way home he won't even look at me he's just straight out the windshield boy finally about halfway home he goes Dad I said yeah son he goes that was weird I said I know I said but you got to get it done man he goes well I know still weird I said yeah waiter you're [Applause] 40 what happens then you see this finger son they stick it in your book what which is amazing isn't it with all the advances in modern medicine this is still the only way to check for that mess you don't got a Polaroid or something I mean I had mine two months ago I don't know what this fell was looking for but after a while I'm like hey Doc why don't you tell me what I'm thinking and he's like why and I said cuz you're touching my brain that's why geez that's my cerebrum there ET if you're checking for cavities got a dentist thanks and they use that stuff that it's like axle graas isn't it fellas you can't wash that mess off with lava soap and a SOS pad and my doctor wants to talk to me while he's doing it shut up just do me then we'll chat all [Applause] right I tell you what the older I get the less I trust medicine I guess it's just getting older man you know God I hate getting I tell you I'm outside of getting old sucks you know you're getting old when you spend more time time on the ointment aisle than any other aisle in the grocery store or commercials that you used to laugh at you find yourself going hm I make noises getting into bed now what is that do you ever find like oh yeah there we go yeah all right there if I get up the M night to go pee which is another sign you're getting older I used to sleep all night pee for 20 minutes now it wakes me up it's like hey like didn't we just do this I start walking to the bathroom my bones are popping so loud it sound like somebody walking on packing peanuts and then I read in the paper that Viagra now has a pill they call the Weekender because its effects last 36 hours dear God 36 hours I'm thrilled if it lasts 3 to 6 [Applause] minutes hey let me tell you something 36 hours you're not making love at that point you're a circus freak you might as well just parade people through your bedroom 17 hours tada 28 hours t i me can I can I tell you something if I took that pill the Weekender with effects that last 36 hours I'd be dead physically Dead from the lack of blood to my brain the only good side effect is they'd have a handle they could carry me out of the building withn 36 hours and knowing my wife at 35 hours and 59 minutes she'd holler I'm almost there it's been three days could we focus just part again then I got a hernia this year I swear I you know what I I talk a lot about my about my wife I do love her death and one of the things that makes us work is that we're just so different she loves to work out she lives to work out and she always wants me to go work out with her he it's like I'm going to go on a two-hour walk do you want to go I'm like or I could watch Law and Order and have two beers H so one day she goes you know what bill you need a trainer and I go whoa whoa I go they're not that big that's muscle she goes g she goes a physical trainer I go don't she goes I already did she hired this guy named Hans and Hans is one of these people who he's the male version of my wife he just lives to work out so we go to the gym and he puts me on this machine where you lie on your back at kind of an angle and your feet are up here on this plate and then there's a bar with 6,000 PBS of weight and you're like this and I go all right what do we do and he goes you push it up go and he goes now let it down Pam my knees are right here and I go Hans I can't feel my back and he goes oh and with one hand lifts these weights up and I go why are we doing this exercise and he goes football players do this exercise every day cuz every day they got 400 lb defensive linemen running at him full speed and I said Hans you need a glimpse into my daily life after my morning Bloody Mary I've never really had a 400 lb defensive lineman come around me down the sidewalk at full speed but let's just say one did I would see him and step out of the way watch I'll do it again I'm not even tired so I go to my doctor and he goes yeah you got a hernia we'll fix it tomorrow a day surgery so I'm kind of flipping about this surgery because remember the oldfashioned way where they would cut you open you were gone five six weeks they don't do that anymore now they just poke two holes in you and in one they stick a camera which is a journey I wouldn't go on and in the other hole they fix it I was in and out 45 minutes no pain but the doctor gave me a prescription of vicadin in case there was any pain oh I had [Music] pain where has that been my whole life Viking you know why I now know why you have to have a prescription to get that mess cuz when you're on Viking and you don't give a rat's ass about anything we could walk out here on the 91 get hit by a semi Pam we're like my fault my [Applause] fault so two days after my surgery we took the kids to the Bahamas on their spring break and I discovered in the islands of the Bahamas that half a vicadin and a Bahama Mama makes for a bitching day [Applause] and I found it out by accident what happened was we went to this Resort where the whole deal was you could swim with the sharks in a lagoon you don't really swim with them they just like on a little fence and you can touch them and they charge you more money well my son is was a shark fanatic at the time you I mean the first morning I'm kicked back in my wife and I's bed just kind of rested he comes bolting into our room and goes let's go see the Sharks and does this Spider-Man leap and in slow motion I watched him as he landed right on my hernia and I'm just like a oh Mr Viking but as I'm reaching for these pills I realize I got to be careful because I have no drug or alcohol tolerance at all I swear to you I'm the cheapest drunk on the planet it takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff yeah s me like that well like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila did it if I get the flu at my house and I take a shot of nyel I'm walking around my own living room looking at my wife going hey baby what's up and she's like go to bed like that's what I was thinking [Music] about so I only ate half this biking him back in the resort because I knew we were going down the beach well it's about an hour before we got down the beach and I'd forgotten about it because that's how they work they don't take away your pain they just make you forget you ever had any so I'm lying this beach chair and this woman walks by with a tray of drinks and she goes sir would you like a Bahama Mama and I said well I believe it's breakfast so I start swilling this rum drink well the rum and the vicadin converged in my system and I was in that beach there just going I'm going to braid my hair and my wife goes oh God she goes Bill Billo look at me both eyes Bill you're scaring the kids now honey I'm going to take him to the pool all right all right now you sit bill you sit here honey don't talk to anybody don't look at anybody you know what just stare at the sand I'm like can do she wasn't gone five minutes and this island guy walks up to me and goes hey man what you looking at [Applause] sad it's everywhere well forget the sand let's go Paris [Music] sailing why that sounds superb my friend I've never seen viket in land from 300 ft in the air and I just climbed in this cat's boat I didn't ask for a driver's license I didn't ask for immigration papers if we're headed to Cuba put the enchiladas on cuz daddy's home [Applause] now you know what Paras sailing is right yeah that's where they hook half an acre of parachute to you 300 feet of rope that's attached to you and this guy's boat you have now become his personal kite so they put me on this platform and there was three guys on the boat there was a guy hooking me up that was his job and the other two guys' job was to drink beer and apparently they were professionals so they get me all hooked up and there was no on your mark get set it was just we took off and I start rising up and I was [Music] just this is righteous look at Viking in land oh oh look at the little fish hello fishes at 300 feet the Rope jerked now apparently that was enough of a jerk to jerk me out of Vic in land and into reality land I'm 300 ft in the air I'm scared of Hypes so my first reaction was I go bring me down bring me down what they heard was let's go around as we are circling the Lagoon for the third time I realize these cute little fish are the sharks I've got two day old hernia scars oh they can smell that they're circling the boat like oh no more stupid squid for me and I have no idea why the shark had a French accent so they start bringing me down all of a sudden the two guys remember the two guys who haven't paid me any attention at all well now they've got a freaked out look on their face and they're poking their buddy who's driving the boat and pointing at me this gets my attention and I looked down and I realized the problem we are going to miss the platform from which we took off oh not by a lot but enough as my toes Touch the Water the guy driving the boat screams at me just poke him in the eye wo the oh my God the Sharks I literally walked on water went back to my hotel room ate the other half of the vicadin and watched the Animal Planet thank you do you guys watch the Animal Planet I am so addicted to that thing and that guy Steve Irwin oh he's like a wreck on the highway all right you don't want to look but you just got to he jumps on the backs of crocodiles and puts his hands over their eyes what is that is that some kind of sick game till the crocodile guesses Who You Are it's like hm Steve oh you got me my turn did you see the one where he was mowing the grass and the alligator pin and the alligator grabs the lawn mower while it's still going and pulls it under water that is a tip from the alligator he's saying no need to mow today Steve little cranky my favorite one did you see where he was messing with the spitting cobras this was his Shining Moment of idiocy he's got this spitting cobra in front of him all right and he's making it mad with his backpack he's going oh look look how he stands up when he's angry oh it's all right little fella I'm not going to hurt you and you could actually see the snag go that's it and he spit poisoning Steve's eyes well Steve freaked out he goes oh my God he spit poison to my eyes and y'all I am screaming at my television set they're spitting C J [ __ ] Jesus didn't you hear the I'm not even a vet and I know that one you hear move and now they got this woman the pet psychic oh God is there no low that television won't stoop to this woman actually had has the coonies to come out and look in the camera and go I can tell you what your pet is thinking you know what princess so can I if I look out in the backyard and my dog looks like this I know he's not trying to jump the fence she had a guy he walked this dog on the set and as soon as he walked on the set this woman went just like this she went oh oh he's not very happy is he he's he's telling me oh good lord what was he it by a car and the guy goes how'd you know and I go cuz he's got three lives EG my favorite guys are the snake Guys these are the biggest morons on the planet because they're always holding some hugely venomous snake like go oh look it's the beautiful black Mumble and you see the snake go and latch on their face like oh the little Fell's hungry I need some antivenom no you need a bullet in the head you should not be breeding see right right there that's why I don't have my own animal show because I'd be like hey look everybody it's a beautiful black mamba why you son of [Applause] a he's sleeping now did you read about that woman in Australia who found the six foot snake in her toilet yes a six foot live snake in her toilet can I tell you something if I found a 6in worm in my toilet I don't need a toilet anymore I need who said underwear cuz I just hit a deer oh God bless my wife that's what she puts up with every day of the year I do love her and I think one of the reason we've stayed together for a long time is because she's a woman and she understands men and she understands that me being a man I don't possess that Gene that tells me when to shut up guys you ever been tting your wife your girlfriend all a sudden you're in trouble and you have no idea why I'll tell you why it's cuz we have said something we don't realize we've said because it didn't go through the shut up filter my wife is as cute a woman as there can ever be on this planet and she's just she went to the hair salon one day and they cut her hair and gelled it and it looked so hot and she came home and she goes you like my hair and I said oh baby how you go your hair looks fantastic and her eyes lit up and a smile came across her face and my brain's thinking oh nice one bill we're going to get sex tonight now just shut up and my brain goes how'd they get that greasy look in it come back Shane I was in line at the grow store a couple months ago there was a woman in line in front of me who had without a doubt ladies and gentlemen the ugliest baby I'd ever seen in my life don't get me wrong I love children this was a Halloween mask with legs all right you could not drink this baby cute all right and I was just mesmerized by this child's ugliness and the woman looked at me and I panicked and I went that's a handsome little man there and the lady said she is a little girl every synapse in my brain is screaming shut up man just look stupid like a guy just look stupid in my mouth goes the money you'll save on prom dresses I don't learn we try to do a lot of things together my wife and I do uh that really hadn't worked out well she don't like to hunt and fish and I don't like to go see movies and I'd go see movies but we have to go see movies you know like the wedding planner and 10 ways to lose a guy I hate those movies and I'll tell you why I hate them because they always got to have that love scene in them I hate that you know why I hate the love scene movie because they don't portray as being real now well I don't mean like o real yeah that'd be cool I'm talking about real life love I mean here's a line that you will never hear in a love scene in movie but every guy has heard this in his once in his life ow God dang it that hurts that's real love and see what happens ladies is you drag us to these movies and we watch these love scenes with these movies and we think we can do that at our house here's my last argument you don't think women are in control of this world a woman can stop any sexual advance from her husband or her boyfriend in a dark room by uttering one phrase and it goes just like this what are you doing there is but one answer to that question apparently nothing right cuz see we go to these movies and we think we can do that like you remember the movie nine and a half weeks okay all right there was a specific scene in that movie where a woman was tied to the bed she was blindfolded and the guy was feeding her strawberries was she griping no she was squirming on the bed like a worm on the hot sidewalk man she's like going oh you're making me so hot and I'm in the movie theater going I'm going to try that in my house well apparently baloni and string cheese is not a big turn on to a blindfolded woman who knew or like the movie Sea of Love when the guy grabbed the woman's panties just like ripped them off [Music] over well that don't happen I've tried it the only way they'll rip if there's a hole already in them and if there's no hole all you're doing is just jerking on their underwear and the women are like what are you doing being sexy well thanks for the wedgie Romeo you want to call 911 now you pop my hip out of joint you want to show me real love in a movie show me a couple making love and their dogs are watching them at the edge of the bed that's real my friends cuz it's hard to throw down your best moves when there's these eyes at the edge of the bed just like woo nice move there Bill jeez don't that hurt your back I take my wife's bra I'll throw it across the room dog brings it back I can always tell when I'm doing really good cuz he growls he's like oh she loves this giy or like when a couple in the movie Just rolling around in bed sheets are flying pillows flying R off the bed boom hit the floor don't even miss a beat well I am sorry cuz you roll up the bed onto your partner what do you hear get off me I swear to God you broke my back and we're like sorry can you go some more we got 35 hours to kill thank you H you guys are wonderful I've got to do some really cool stuff in my life uh and uh one of them uh was recent uh recently I got to shoot a film with three of my good friends called the Blue Collar Comedy Tour thank you for your support on that one the other cool thing I got to do two years ago uh was I got to go to the Winter Olympics with my family and it was so great having in our country and being a host of this and just had the one most wonderful time and I got to tell you a great story uh if anybody went it was right after the 911 thing and so LAX was just a zoo I mean it was an ant farm and I I literally became Jack Nicholson in that movie As Good As It Gets I'm like get off me don't touch me get off me so we get through that we get on the plane they won't let you get up 30 minutes after you take off or 30 minutes before you land I've been drinking I have to pee so we get to Salt Lake City and I've got a bladder like out to here and now I'm in an airport cram with people who don't understand the phrase I'm going to pee on you if you don't move I'm going to pee on you if you don't move and for whatever reason my wife was in one of these moves you would just in my ear just see I guess it was a stretch you go did you get a rental car I'm like yes I got a rental car she goes did you get one with the ski rack I go yes I go with you know what honey some days I go the whole day without any of your help oh that soed it over and my fuse is about that long and I'm slamming our bags in the trunk of this car and I slam her skis up in the rack and the guy R in the car right next to me goes he going skiing I said nope we put him on top of the car in case we flip over on on a icy Road Here's your sign oh we've had some good ones this year friend of mine's wife turned 38 she wasn't real happy about it so he thought as a joke he'd go to the bakery and he bought two cakes one had said happy and had a three on it the other one said birthday and had an eight on it and he said bill I walked up to the checkout stand I set the cakes down a little girl at the reg goes oh do you have [Music] twins yep my wife was in labor for five years Here's your [Applause] sign this year I did something that was really fun I went to I went to Anaheim Angel baseball Fantasy Camp which was just a wonderful time some of my guys are here tonight and they can all vouch for us that after that first day we all like kind of hopped off the bus the first day the second day we all kind of like was like I'm walking back to my hotel room and I can barely lift my I'm just walking like this and this woman goes do your legs hurt I go nope just crap my [Applause] pants here's your son [Applause] I was in an office building a couple weeks ago there's stand at the elevators on the ground floor the up button is pushed a man walks up next to me he goes excuse me are these the elevators that go up no these go side to side the upin are down the hall he walked away Here's your sign my son's playing piano and he's pretty dang good at it the other day I was sit in the den watching TV and he came in he goes hey Dad I want to play your song on the piano and I said oh cool so we walk into where the piano is and he goes I'm GNA play you a song from Harry Potter and I said oh the movie and he goes no the book here's and I [Laughter] [Applause] go I went ELC a couple years ago got me a nice bull elk kind him out on the wall of my den and my neighbor who love to death but he just Dumber in a bag of rocks we had been in the den drinking beer and shooting pool for about an hour before he finally looked up on the wall and saw the head and went oh man I didn't see that I think you shoot that thing I said nope just ran through the wall and got stuck here's your side right out here on the 405 I got stuck behind a big rig that W his trailer up ourne an overpass me and a trucker standing on side the road talking waiting on the tow truck driver and the highway patrolman pulls up he looks at the guy's rig and he looks at the truck and I'm thinking oh dear God he can't say it cuz I'll start laughing but sure enough he goes you get your truck stuck and God bless his trucker without missing a beat he goes nope I was delivering that overpass I ran out of gas here's your side but the best one that we had all year long and I can tell you this one because she ain't here tonight my wife did I got booked on a corporate job in Missouri but it was a Morning Show so I had to fly in the night before on this little puddle jumper airplane into this remote airst strip at night when we landed on the runway we hit a deer with our plane you can't make this up and it killed the deer it wrecked the engine we had to evacuate the plane but the plane was so small it didn't even have slides the flight thing and said just step out so they put us in a van and they're busting us back to the terminal and I'm laughing at this point cuz this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life and I got back to the terminal I called my wife and I said baby you're not going to believe this I go we just hit a deer with our airplane there was a pause on the other end of the line followed by oh my God were you on the ground I said nope Santa was making one last run Here's your sign God bless you ladies and gentlemen thank you very much good night [Applause] [Music] thanks y good show man we go say you can't make that stuff up thanks buddy take yourself want Crea right about now end up right here a great time thanks for being part of this for reason I have a life go I'm from New Zealand do I have to wait in American line on I got a silver pen I'm amazed at how many people think that I would have a black pen for black hat your can you give me can you say Here's your sign no say it h can you say Here's your sign thank you take care y'all thanks for coming out [Music]