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hey guys it's dr. May how are you all right well you lucked out today because we're gonna talk about validation and this is one of the most popular skills in DBT so over the years I've seen people go through DBT programs and one of the skills that always floats to the surface that they remember is validation right it goes all the way through DBT it's often talked about in groups even when this module isn't just being discussed it's just like part of the conversation and it's just so helpful that I'm glad to be able to share it with you today alright so um we're gonna go over everything validation everything you ever wanted to know alright and validation is was seen in the Gibbs skill it's the V of gift in interpersonal effectiveness and give is about keeping a good relationship and in my give video there's a portion where we had a brief discussion about validation however and this one we're gonna go in a much deeper and more you know elaborate way okay so you'll get to know a whole lot more when you listen in to this one all right so this is part of the walking the middle path module alright so this one has three main goals so one is about recognizing dialectics and dialectical dilemmas as they come up and to learn to think more dialectically which is kind of like taking both sides of an issue into account coming to a higher conclusion and a truth I am considering different sides of the story today we're gonna focus on working on validation validation and radical acceptance are very similar but there's a whole other video on radical acceptance so I'm mostly going to do validation today so the opposite end of that dialectic is validation or acceptance and on the other side change so while you accept things the way they are and accept someone fully as a human being you can also recognize that it's possible to change and make things even better okay so there's going to be other videos about change but today we're gonna again do some validation a cute picture right I kind of liked it all right so validation includes three major things okay and there are different levels relating to another person's experience so on the one hand they talk about resonance right so think about like a tuning fork if you ring one tuning fork and hold another tuning fork nearby the second one starts to vibrate so we have these things in our brain called mirror neurons so when someone is feeling something let's say I have a friend and she's feeling really sad when I go near her my mirror neurons start firing because my brain can pick up her emotions and so I end up feeling a little bit of what she's feeling so on a physiological level my brain is responding and I start to feel the vibes in a way right it's kind of like physically sensing something like ever walk into a room and you could feel the mood of the room like you know that there's something not right going on or people are a little upset and you didn't hear a word of what they were saying but you could just sense it all right so that's resonance okay so when we're trying to validate something part of it is we have to feel a little bit of what they're feeling on a physical level okay next is what they call a tune min so when you attune to somebody you're consciously tuning in to your inner experiences and reading the meaning of what those signals mean so this has to do with a skill called in Tarot ception which is like sensing your body from the inside so if I feel my emotions from the inside I might be sensing muscle tension blood flow heart beating vibration tingling and when I read those signals when I'm in the presence of another person they might be giving me some information about the feelings the other person has and when I could kind of think about that you know I could then start the process hmm I wasn't feeling sad before but now that I'm around my friend I feel this heaviness inside me you know and I'm feeling a little sad too and he may be like that's telling me some information about her right so that's kind of that's a 2 min so then empathy is getting to be a little bit more cognitive so it's like thinking about well gee I see that she said I wonder why I wonder what's behind that I wonder you know what led her to feel that way and how it makes sense right so I'm doing a little bit more conscious thinking about the other person's experience and then I take the step of communicating that understanding so it's not just keeping it to myself it's actually about saying something and we're gonna talk about different ways we can do that all right so I'm gonna go over four steps of validation and I also went through these in this video so it's not a mistake I actually am repeating it okay so um the first step is to put yourself in the other person's shoes okay so really imagine life from their standpoint um given everything about that person how do you think they're experiencing this moment so this is about getting out of yourself and not just seeing it through your eyes but seeing it from the other person's eyes right alright so step two trying to understand their feelings and inner experiences so how might their circumstances be leading them to feel that way you know what might have been some of the causes for this person based on their life okay um step three then you start to show acceptance about what they're feeling because it maybe it all makes sense because all these things led to this moment for that person and therefore you have to radically accept it because everything is that this should be everything led to this moment and to try to certainly be non-judgmental about it you know when you build more understanding it's easier to drop the judgments when you stay on the surface it's much easier to be judgmental alright then step four is about the communication so once you kind of do that inner processing you know you try to let the person know that you're making an effort to understand them I mean you may not be a hundred percent right you could always check your understanding with the person but you know kind of feeling it out and letting them know you know it sounds like this must be going on for you right well that must be really hard I can see how difficult it is right you're kind of showing them on a deeper level that you're trying to make it effort you're trying to get it okay um so Foundation helps us understand the outside by focusing on the inside all right so this is another way to think about it so an image I often get that I share with people is a television with static right so if I walk in a room and a TVs odd with a lot of static I could just say oh forget that I can't watch this show you know look at all the static on that TV I forget it right but if I was really patient let's say I really want to watch the program this is the only TV available and and it's it's on there right maybe I'd be a little more patient with the static or I'd look at it more carefully and see if I could see the image of the TV show behind the static or maybe you know outside of the Shh sounds I can hear a little bit of the program and I try to listen hard to hear it right so we could do that with other people so instead of focusing on just the surface behaviors they exhibit you know which may not be that appealing to us if we look beyond that we can understand maybe what's going on for that person and we can appreciate that person a little bit more and communicate that we we can see that there's a good TV show under there underneath all that static okay here's another thing we could think about ever um have someone ask you how you're doing and you just say fine but they know something's wrong right if the person senses you and they know you sometimes they know that fine doesn't just mean fine that behind that there's a lot going on you know and someone might be able to validate use by saying you know what I know you said fine but you don't look so good you look kind of sad today you look like you're struggling right so again the validation is about looking beyond the surface another version anger anger is commonly known as an emotion that often covers up more vulnerable emotions so it's much easier sometimes to feel anger because it makes us get a false sense of power it makes us feel like this false sense of being strong whereas underneath we feel really vulnerable you know and if you look at the anger iceberg picture you know there's some common you know things underneath on underneath the surface that people might be feeling so maybe I feel kind of shameful underneath well on the surface I look really angry or maybe I was just rejected by somebody and I'm really hurt about it but on the surface I'm like all that jerk knitted editor right but if someone's able to know me and think about what I'm going through and look beyond it they might be able to validate what's really underneath the anger that I'm using as a defense mechanism and a cover-up okay all right so here's another visual I wish I could do it like concentric circles in a way so on the outside imagine the angry or defensive exterior for example and then beneath that is the vulnerability and even beneath that at our core we are all pin possession of a wise mind that we're truly a higher self a spirit and this beneath it all is a wish to be loved it's you know there's a inner goodness that we all have that's beneath everything and it might be covered up by a lot of static a lot of layers but if you could see into that good core of somebody that's inherently validating there's a guy named jack Kornfield who's a really good mindfulness teacher and you can definitely check him out on YouTube he has some good books and I heard him say quote one time I forgot by who and he said you know seeing the good in people it always pays to see the good in people um they respond much better for it right someone sees your inner goodness behind all your you know your drama and they recognize that you're a good person beneath it all you could feel that you know and it makes a difference it helps so it's our job to do that for other people and this is what they mean by it when they say namaste right so the spirit in me sees the spirit in you right or there's another phrase they say in Kundalini Yoga Sutton um which means truth is my identity right so ultimately with validation we want to peel back the layers and see that truth as the identity see that wise mind okay I thought was pretty deep but we'll keep going okay so how does validation help alright so here's some things that DBT suggests about how it helps and it does it improves communication right if I'm trying to tell somebody that I can see what's really going on with them and I can see beneath the surface also now we're communicating better they feel like someone's getting them and they might respond better to me may be more willing to share with me because I just showed that I cared and I'm willing to see them as a person who's going through something if so therefore relatedly it shows that you're listening and you're trying to understand it builds trust and closeness right easier to feel close with somebody when when that person is willing to reach out and show that they get you and also if you're in the middle of a conflict validation also helps to settle things down because we tend to get very polarized during conflict right it's like I'm right and no you're right no he's wrong and I'm right and this one right but when you reach across the aisle and you show the person you understand their point of view or that it makes sense even if you disagree it starts to settle things down because if someone's not listening to you in an argument you tend to get more and more intense just to try to get them to listen once they start showing they're listening and they validate you could calm down right it helps a whole lot okay I found this online just today so this is fresh so there's another one other other ideas about how validation helps okay in a certain context that help you negotiate right so instead of me just telling you what I want maybe I could show you I could listen that I'm listening to what you want to and why what your request is makes sense or your suggestion and we could put our heads together and come up with a solution right so negotiation and collaboration kind of similar all right if we work together on a project product or a project rather you know we both might have different ideas about it and if I let you know that I understand why your ideas are coming out or why you think something should be helpful you know that helps us work together better rather me know I just wanted my way right you're polarized I'm helps me be creative because validation encourages more flexible thinking and you have to be more flexible and going to see other points of view when you're trying to be creative so when you exercise that muscle you can bring that with you during your creative endeavors okay and it helps you feel safe like we were kind of hinting before you know when someone understands you it's easier to feel safe with them and I'm more connected as it's emotional connected here and the last one um identifying needs right so if I feel validated by you and you reflect back to me when I was trying to communicate you're reflecting that back to me helped me understand what my needs are better right we understand ourselves in relationship when other people reflect us back to us we kind of get to know ourselves better so that's why it helps us tune into ourselves okay so mindfulness what being good at mindfulness and tuning into yourself helps you understand other people because you feel a little bit of them but when they can do it to you their reflection helps you understand you right that's not too confusing is it okay sorry I don't mean three talking in circles here but anyway hope that makes sense okay so there's some myths about validation all right so these are things I seem to come up from time to time so we'll just address these so validation is not necessarily agreeing with something right it's just showing you understand it like where I work in the hospital there's always some buddy that goes around who's very symptomatic and agitated and might be yelling and screaming and interrupting people and making it hard to sleep and you know making a lot of noise it's very unpleasant and I might not like or agree with that behavior but I might be able to understand it right maybe that person is on the right meds yet well that person didn't learn too many coping skills yet and that's the best thing you do in this moment so the validation helped me understand the person but I don't really say okay well good job now um keep keep going keep screaming it's great I love it right know right you could disagree with the outer behavior but still understand the inner intention all right okay and all right so the first two a kind of interrelated the last one validating someone is not the same thing as being nice to someone right so sometimes when I ask my groups for examples people will say like yeah validate my friends I'm gonna take her out to lunch well it's being nice to somebody and maybe while you're talking over lunch you could show her that you understand where she's coming from a next validation but just like socializing with someone or doing someone a favor you know sending them a card that's not necessarily validation validation is just about the demonstration that you understand their inner world right all right next who are what can you validate right so you could actually validate yourself and we'll talk more about that later others obviously you could validate relationships the fact that maybe a relationship is important to you or to the other person and how that's factoring in someone's thoughts and feelings which is you know what's usually underlying the outer behavior you're observing someone's behaviors you could say why the behavior makes sense maybe someone struggles what well why the struggles might be a challenge for the person um good intentions so let's say something didn't turn out that great but the person had good intentions so let's say there was a little kid who wanted to surprise her mom for Mother's Day so she cooked up some eggs and toast and orange juice she brought it to her mom on a tray and breakfast in bed but you know the toast was burnt and the eggs were runny and you know there are seeds in the orange juice and she made a mess in the kitchen but the mom understands that the kid meant to do something nice so the mom could validate the kids intentions by saying oh that was really really nice of you to do that I appreciate it right she just looked at the outer behavior she might totally rip the girl's heart out and be like what are you making a big mess in my kitchen room right so you have to understand the intention and that makes a lot of sense for validation you could also validate someone's effort so maybe I just got a C on the test and that which is not maybe the best grade for me but maybe my teacher can recognize that although I got a C it was a challenge for me and I tried really hard right so even if the outer product isn't perfect you could still admire the effort somebody puts in okay so it's six levels of validation that they talk about in DBT so we're gonna run through these so you can understand the different ways that are available to us to validate other people so level one is being a good listener so this has to do in some ways a just being present for the person being mindful being in the moment with the person undistracted and being a genderless listening meaning I don't have an agenda of something I want to say and I'm not interrupting necessarily and I'm not jumping in with you know my opinions I'm just kind of being there for the person listening right how great is that it's simple but it's so important okay that's number one number two use reflection may have heard this term before um it's basically when you listen carefully to somebody occasionally just to show you're listening you might reflect back or repeat a part of what they said so in the picture example I have here so let's say the woman on the left is talking about something she went through today maybe she had a rough day at school or work or their family and you know and she said oh man I'm really having a hard day and at some point her conversation and then you know her friend on the right and some point reflects back so you're really having a hard day huh right so it she's using the same words her friend used but she's saying it back to her and it shows that she's listening and trying to understand and the person who said those words originally feels more hurt okay so number three putting words to things outside the person's awareness so this might have to do with body language and the way the person's coming across and sometimes when your emotional mind you don't even realize the signals you're putting out there so let's say that football player is on the bench and he's kind of bummed about something that happened during the game maybe he screwed up and he's feeling bad about it and the coach notices his body language right he slumped over has his head in his hands you know he looks kind of sad serious right so maybe the coach comes over and starts to put words so things outside his awareness so maybe he's like hey you know what's happening you look really sad you know what's going on did you have a rough game today you know you've said about that play that you missed right so he could tell from his body language is something's going on and then he's going to comment on it so again going beneath the surface and articulating it number four note how the behavior makes sense given the person's history so this might involve knowing something about the person's history so for example if your friend had a rough childhood or upbringing or abuse that might impact the way they're responding to something right now and maybe an extreme reaction the persons having nap now has to do with the fact that the current situation is reminding them of a past situation and that's fueling an a more intense reaction now so it helped me to understand that and I could even communicate the person if I had that kind of relationship with the person okay so same thing with the past relationship maybe they're suffering now from a breakup because they had a past breakup and it's even worse than them now because I happen again with a different person you know so knowing that relationship history might give me some info about that okay and just in general any challenges or hardships a person might have been through in the past might impact the way they're handling stuff now and even the fact that you know the person might be struggling with some bad habits you know maybe even target behaviors or an addiction and just understanding that habits are hard to break right sometimes that work when patients get caught smoking and they get in trouble you know I can empathize with them that you know sometimes it's hard to quit smoking I know you don't want to get in trouble but and you snuck one you weren't supposed to but I understand how much you've been struggling with breaking that bad habit right because you've been smoking for twenty years okay so the past is influencing the present and what's going on right now okay so here's an example the girl on the right saying your uncle's death must be so hard for you considering how many losses you've had in your life right so our reaction right now how sad and you know upset you might be about this current loss it's fueled by a past loss so when you put that into words really shows the validation the understanding okay so next note how the behavior makes sense given the current circumstances okay so that might be someone's financial situation maybe they struck with money housing your living situation sometimes it's hard living in a big family with a lot of people or you know when this tension in the house for example or some people live in a community residence with a lot of other folks or there's drugs in the house and you know you don't get along with everybody all that could influence someone's stress level and therefore their behavior so you can understand that current behavior by tracing back okay if someone struggling with a physical or a mental illness kind of like I said before if a person is really mentally ill and then they're acting out you might be able to understand the behavior you're just knowing that they're sick right a lot of patients that where I work validate each other because they know well I don't like the way so-and-so is yelling and screaming all the time but I understand that he's sick that's validation someone supports system or lack of right the current relationships affect their behavior someone's current life demands they have a lot going on and they're stressed out or they're up to here with work that that affects everything or their coping skills are lack of maybe the person at my job the patient is yelling and screaming because he never learned anger management skills maybe he's you know still early in the game and figuring out right so I could validate that maybe he's just not there that there yet okay so here's an example so you got a woman here supermom so to speak trying to get it all done all right so let's say that's a friend of mine let's say when we both were single we used to hang out every week we used to go out to dinner we still go the movies we used to go to the beach but now I barely hear from her right maybe my first emotional my reaction is what she doesn't like me anymore she's rejecting me you know what I'm not good enough for her but it's not personal but if I thought again and I start to validate her and I said you know what she's got a whole lot going on he's got two kids he's got work she's got home life she's got all kinds of stuff she's really busy and that's why she's not calling back I could understand that I could understand why she can't text me that often she's you know he's doing a whole lot of stuff okay see how that works okay number 6 radical genuineness so this is when you have to say a difficult truth somebody okay so this takes a little courage so let's say I sense that something's going wrong like on the picture on the right maybe this woman's sister seems like she might be relapsing into drugs or alcohol you know the little signs are there based on her behavior and some some other things and there's some hesitation sometimes to confront somebody when that happens so it you buddy really don't be a courageous a radically genuine thing to say you know what I'm worried about you I think you're relapsing you're showing signs of relapse you know and just put it out there in a very genuine way okay and that could be hard to do but sometimes it's really important you know I know you've been drinking again right maybe you should go back to a a it's been a while right the important thing to remember about radical genuineness is that it's done with a kind intention so it's not being honest in a in a nasty way it's not like oh I'm keeping it real and I'm telling them like it is and I'm just gonna say well what the is wrong with you right it's not like that right you're not judging the person you're not telling it like it is in terms of throwing your judgments around you're being honest about something that's going on that maybe the person doesn't want you to see but it's important to call them out on it all right okay other validation tips showing respect to the person taking the person seriously so this is like just at a deep level seeing the person as a you know good real human being that's equal to you as a human being and we're relating to work to each other as equals so we're not one upping or one doubting the person or saying try to talk down to them in any way we're not trying to belittle them or going through what they're going through you know we're trying to just be authentic okay and of course non-judgmental and as I hinted before showing tolerance and understanding for their behavior even if you don't like it okay so all these things are really important in some cases it may not be appropriate to actually articulate the validation even though part of validation is putting it into words and communicating it but sometimes it may not be appropriate like if it's something going on in a public setting with somebody I don't know I may not approach that person and validate them or if it's a patient at work who's very agitated I might validate the person in my mind understanding they're sick but that may not be the time for me to communicate to that person the person may not fully get what I'm saying anyway right but it can help us on our own to think validating thoughts so instead of thinking judgmental thoughts but you're just going to make you more upset about what they're doing try to show some understanding in your mind try to imagine what led to that behavior for that person within yourself and that is served to help calm you down help you see in a more wise mind balanced way and perhaps react in a more effective way and you might have if you just stuck with some judgments ok all right so validating yourself I did say before we would get to that so here's a slide for that so this can be hard sometimes especially if we grow up where we weren't really validated by the people around us or at least to the extent that we needed to be so if it was never done to us it could be hard to do it to ourselves so sometimes if we were invalidated by others we start to invalidate and judge ourselves so we really have to practice this as a brand new skill sometimes ok so it takes some conscious effort so it involves tuning into yourself recognizing what you're going through and then relating to that part of yourself from a higher place maybe from your wise mind place and offering a struggling part of yourself some validation right so maybe you have a suffering emotional line part that's feeling really shameful but your wise mind self is able to say I get it makes sense I understand that and offer that part of yourself compassion and understanding I heard another phrase that I liked from somebody and it was I honor your power right so recognizing that our emotions can be really powerful over us and or maybe just try to communicate something to us so instead of just telling them to go away we're trying to accept them validate them and say you know what you do have power over me and I recognize that but you need to step aside and let my my wife's my handle it okay it also can be inherently validating to remind you that you're doing the best you can so given your history your current circumstances and everything else that's going on with you skills that you know and don't know in this moment you're doing the best you can and that's that's something that could help with the validation next coping with invalidation okay so as much as we would like other people to validate us no matter what inevitably we're going to be invalidated right it's just gonna happen and it's probably been happening so we need to know how to cope with it because we can't control other people we can only control ourselves so the first thing is remember that it's not personal that the fact that the person's invalidating you says more about them than it says about you they may not have ever learned anything about validation they might have been invalidated and only know how to invalidate people right so I'm validating their invalidation if you think about it okay um and if you're with somebody in you know you know a close friendship or a partnership and they're invalidating you on a regular basis and they don't change when you try to work with them on that it starts and you might want to reevaluate the relationship you know do I still want to stay you know do I want to hang out with somebody that's constantly putting me down or showing that they don't care or they're defining me in some way alright so something to think about um make friends with people that do understand you that are capable of validation right have those positive people in your life super important practice validating yourself right so someone who validates you it's you could still validate yourself if you can't get it from the outside you could give it to yourself from the inside right we can't you don't have to just wait for someone else to do it we have the power to do it also and finally there might be some other DBC skills that we might might need to UM to use to cope with the invalidation especially if it makes us upset sometimes we can't help but just feel bad about it so you know you might want to pull out some of those distress tolerance skills or emotion regulation skills and just help yourself get through the situation while you're reminding yourself not to take it personally in validating yourself okay so that's it that's um that's validation oh you wanted to know about validation right it's a whole lot but seriously it's a really helpful good skill you can use it anywhere use it on yourself for sure okay and I hope you could reap all the benefits that validation has to offer all right so good luck with everything try it out and see you next time okay bye everybody