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Contract autograph

oh anything you'd like all right if you can see me it's because they gave me a chair that's four inches higher and there's no other chair in here to decide wait let me see if i can i can fix that is that the question no no oh no it's much worse [Music] no in all seriousness when celebrities come in here people of you know of of some fame do you have to have guerilla chase after them with pieces of paper to sign what is the problem well it's just it's just sort of annoying and embarrassing that we have to that we have to have like people running around with pieces of paper for people to sign you know how we've told the interns that they shouldn't approach these people for autographs and so forth jackie has one of the interns running around with pieces of paper like little jokes and stuff he writes and having him sign it yeah and of course he sidesteps me or anybody in the issue he just has one of the interns running around and it's a r it's r everyone has come up to me that more than one person had said it's a really awkward moment well why didn't you say something before this you have a problem i just found out about it no you never talked to me about it wait you just said that more than one person has come up as of yesterday so i just totally contradicted yourself but yes no i don't did i contradict myself no more than one person came up to me and told me about it i assume it just started wait you've been doing it for a while i've been doing it for a year oh my god no who was doing it which intern was was put up to it i would ask somebody just that have him autograph one of the one of the notes that i wrote and just have a guest autograph what's the big deal the big deal is that we don't want to hassle our guests and especially this happens when they're leaving because yeah yeah yeah so they're being chased out the door it's just people trying to get out the door and we have interns asking them for autographs all you need to do is say all right thanks well that's what i'm saying i just said i will jackie's always up to something he's always got something going on you get the autographs you want joe cards give me your address i'll send that yeah i mean just like you don't have to pitch him like right there at the door jesus oh you've heard you know because he sat right in here and been in on the fun of of giving the interns hell yeah and then he goes out and does the same thing yeah he he knows he's doing he knows the interns aren't supposed to do it but i can do it what's the big deal do as i say no that's a problem what's the problem so what what's people doing you have to do is say don't do it as people are leaving you have to just sign little pieces of paper for me jackie what's the big deal who cares what's the big deal if they sign a few pieces i know signing dumb pieces of jackie paper that piece i said yeah it's a piece of trash yeah when i did the gary shandling show all the writers came up to me and had me sign little things that they had written didn't they corner you in one of the rooms it was a lot of fun you spent all day there signing stuff just as i was trying to get out the door jackie's wacky what's the big deal here boys get this piece of paper signed well anything else we got them in trouble you did okay i apologize to them where is gorilla that he where's my my the one vying to be my assistant that he he doesn't come to me with this you can't blame him this has been going on for a year and i don't know about it i just found out about it yesterday why why are you busy running around with pieces of paper i told you not to bother our guests because jackie asked me yeah but i don't care if jackie asks you if jackie asks you to jump out a window are you going to do it no but he's also like and he's an odd way he's like there's superior he's been here long he is not superior to you jackie thinks he is but he's not okay i must take umbrage with this position don't do everything jackie says he's going to get you in trouble how often is jackie right about anything well faffafuli came to me even and said well hi hi ralph do you know you know jackie asked him to sign two of them not just one ask you to sign no no when when he does that he asks him to sign i know it's not even one piece of paper can you sign two pieces for the archives yeah i mean i don't know the other one for i don't know what he's doing but these are my guests i can't have my my my closest allies bugging the guests and not telling me about it sorry i mean it's a professional operation it's so tacky you can't have jackie here no jackie's like hey what's the big deal i'm shocked that he's not you know he doesn't have little packages of uh you know the joke central products yeah right i give he does it's insane that's insane just jackie please no more signing little pieces of paper about five minutes ago ten minutes ago i said okay all right okay enough said a gorilla use your brain is that how you're gonna be my assistant on the movie set no ed jackson who's going to come up here well he's in the middle it's not no he's not in the middle he's got to start using jackie doesn't think for you i thought it'd be okay because jackie tells you to go out and murder someone you're going to do it no but if the other intern said to do it i wouldn't do it but jackie's not an intern jackie's when jackie comes to you with a request that seems bizarre in other words hassling my guests haven't we i only thought it was okay what did you do who have you done it too have you done it to tim allen yeah have you done it to uh pamela anderson yeah holy cow i don't even know what's going on i trust my guys we can't see it i can't trust jackie i'll tell you the problem when i go to do interviews i go on the tonight stuff they have their staff leave me alone so that you can function people don't want to sit there and sign your pieces of paper maybe they do jackie but let's go out and go to their book signing and have them sign it i don't ask them to sign anything i don't want to bother these people i'm glad they come in and do the show i'm sorry if i mean you only what's the problem the problem is what if there's 10 jackie's here and now they're signing 20 pieces of paper and what if i have the receptionist asking them to sign books and what if i i got it you know it's just you can't do it a gauntlet to get out of it yeah i mean you know if you get a hop over uh uh uh uh obstacle course just to get out the door it's absurd okay and gorilla i just thought i thought it was okay because he thought it was okay if he's giving you something to do it means he's doing it behind my back you know jack jackie have to watch him like a snake but if we say we don't want the guests hassled why is it okay for jackie to hassle him right because jackie's part of the show no he's not i i only thought it was okay you know jackie jackie's running his own show i i didn't mean that online i'll tell jackie will tell you that jackie stabs me in the back it's okay i know that about jackie he's a good example of it i know jackie says stuff about me behind my back but i i deal with it but you don't have to be a party to it oh it never happened again just cause jackie doesn't like me doesn't mean you have to stab me in the back i didn't think it was stabbing you in the back well you stabbed me in the back i'm very sorry i'm deputy joy i don't blame jackie jackie's evil i guess he's not you're up here i can't help myself but you could do something about that right exactly you don't have to do his bidding [Laughter] hypnotized me jackie only likes losers i wouldn't ask it for myself but i thought it first and he's trying to drag you down with him don't you get it oh shut up why wouldn't he ask his uh people to do it why don't you go ask himself no he's got you running after him okay he's checking he's in here with the people he could slide those little jokes over and say jackie knows he's he's doing wrong but he has you do it for him i know i'm doing wrong yes of course please otherwise you test you do it out in the open i love how all of a sudden he's ignorant yeah i'm stupid what do you mean i'm doing wrong you should also be carrying poison apples all of a sudden he knows nothing everyone's innocent but gorilla you're the one i'm most disappointed in jackie's story i know already i'm hopeless but you yeah you're supposed to be on my team i honestly i thought we're all on the same team no no no you don't you don't know how to read people i don't know if you're qualified to help me on my movie it's jack i don't know how to read people fred is on my team robin is on my team jackie is not on the team oh you know that everyone here knows that so jackie will take jackie yeah thank you thank you jackie's telling you jackie tell him teach him will you you have no team jackie tell him he's on team jackson he's probably confused because we work so closely and i do so much to make you funnier that he probably thinks we have a relationship exactly yeah a lot of people here's uh here's basil what is a basil i was sitting in here to talk about how gorilla used to hate he'd be back in there in the office and he and then he'd get the piece of paper and would just be like of course it's totally embarrassing and why would why why did gary not even know about this why didn't gary saw it for the first time last night and gary goes holy cow gary comes to me yesterday he goes you got to see what's going on out in the hall gorilla was going around having signing pieces of jackie's papers and bombs in people's cars uh this is this is about it to be gary thank god you found why didn't you ever see this going on i i've known about it for uh probably about two weeks i just haven't had a chance to talk to you but i got to tell you i know jackie's going to hate me but i knew that if i didn't tell you and you found out about it it would be my ass as bad as his well i know you came to me you were pretty upset about it genji videotaped him doing this yesterday well yesterday was the first time anyone saw it yeah jackie despite what you may think i don't get to watch those tapes i don't see those tapes just like this we behave i don't get to see those i haven't seen one of those tapes ever i just want to say that he thinks i sit at home when we see every everything he shoots piece of footage i would do it in front of the camera hoping someone would see it because i didn't you wanted to be safe hey gary don't walk out of the room tell explain to jackie why it's inappropriate gary came to me in a panic well he was really in pain he didn't want to have to say yeah it's just it's no seriously jackie it's just it's weird to the guests i know that you're i said ten minutes ago all right well here are you gonna do explain he told me to explain it go ahead explain it to him though he just said to me what's the big deal he still doesn't he still doesn't understand it you admit you don't see the big deal admit it i absolutely don't okay explain it to him it's weird to the guests because some of the guests don't like to be hassled and it does you know it does put them in a weird spot it's hard for them to say no but they may not want to do it but so why ask when there's a camera on them they may not want to say no because then the camera's going to have them looking like jerks but they probably rather just walk in and walk out and be unencumbered the last experience they have here should be positive they walk out smiling it's not being asked to sign papers and stuff on camera because it just is one additional thing where you leave with the impression that like hey you know it's about setting me up or what and jackie doesn't see it i know that but you know you just it's got to take my word for it when they come in here and then leave yeah it's hard enough sometimes for gary to even approach them about doing an idea in other words in other words you ask him to do a problem a lot of them say no so if you pile it on at the end where hey can you do a promo can you sign pieces of paper can you do this for us can you can you cut a birthday message for howard experience all of a sudden it's hard enough to say something to a birthday message capisce no no no no no just being selfish he just doesn't want me he just want me to have their autographs i wanted him to build my nest i wanted it for nancy i liked it it's not even like he's having him sign something good he's having him sign his pieces of paper that he writes well that was the other the other part was i don't think that the guests even fully understood what it was that they were signing i know and it would always becomes a whole schtick yeah they sign it garbage jackie wants to prove to them that he's doing something so he has to show him you know what i've done i had to explain to a lot of people what it was yeah right so jackie gets his now yeah so jackie gets his process revealed now go get to the guest now howard now go back and get the tape of gorilla trying to explain to them what it is yeah because we have that two or three times and it's very funny [Music] take care good luck all right roger these are the jokes that jack you signed he said you know put something nice on him [Music] yeah and now they have to know what jackie's process is these are the notes of jackie rice could you sign him back people just don't know so they're just fine here's jack jackie doesn't want the pieces of paper signed he wants somebody out there explaining to the celebrities what it is he does did you understand that's jackie see jackie writes i love jackie but that's jackie jackie jackie jackie remember that hey jackie jackie jack jackie's pieces of paper last name before they walk out his jacket like gorilla go to jackie uh they don't understand what they're saying explain to him show him a jackie jackie paper it's a t i'm i'm a genius it's a cd jackie everyone appreciates sorry can you go out and be my advocate gorilla gorilla don't let him leave without saying yeah i got to see i really had no idea that i was having anybody's mind anymore yesterday was my first time that's my fault how would i know jackie everything's done behind my back that's your fault this is a big place and you know there's a lot i mean you see me every day you never would mention it why didn't you show him one yeah why don't you ever show it to me he's so excited about him because he's not excited he probably he's got him he doesn't matter they're worthless now it's going to go hey look look anybody'd like to see these pieces of paper they'll be at jimmy's comedy alley tomorrow night what is it bowser word has it that jackie's been promising gorilla lunch for the past year that he's been doing this and never taking it up on it you get pilot on a little thick there pal yeah well the way this works is john's too afraid to come in and say all this so he's been sending basil yeah hey gorilla i'm emotional to be honest with you forget jackie i know jackie i got jack i couldn't i could tell you i could he lost his job oh he might have been he might have you know this does show you're not thinking on your feet yeah he's thinking he's no he is thinking honestly he's thinking with his feet is exactly the phrase i was looking for he thinks with his feet really not with his head if you lose the gig on the movie i'll take you to lunch yeah he's lost a lot more than that you should see the salary they were going to pay him jack he's real helpful too i was doing he all but had the job yeah he knows it's not your fault relax i don't know it's not his fault jackie honestly i mean the guy's got to come and tell me everything that's going on when you're doing something as when you feel when you have a weird feeling in your stomach every time i mean you felt bizarre asking these people to sign these pieces of paper and explaining to them who jackie is but i just i thought you know we just had a wonderful interview with pamela sue anderson or pamela anderson she walks out and now gorilla's explaining pieces of paper to her and having her sign them papers stuck in there but nobody sees the what's the problem i i thought it's jackie so it was okay like if gary came and said to me to do it no no no no no no we're on the movie set okay one of the producers of the film come and says i want you to smear duty in howard's underpants and when he puts him on it'll be a big gag what do you do i would never do that you wouldn't do that no okay all right look one of the producers comes to you and said i've just had one of my good friends uh a close friend comes to see me uh my close friend alec baldwin comes to the set to see me and alec baldwin is leaving the producer says i want you to have 50 books signed by alec baldwin don't bother howard with it would you bother me with it no oh you wouldn't bother me with it i would tell you that this is what this guy wants and i wouldn't do it now why are you for a whole year out there sitting and explaining to guests and you're getting this nervous feeling in your stomach why do you just go into why don't you talk to gary about it and confide in him why don't you tell somebody for one because it's jackie and i don't know because exactly he's asking me to do this who is jackie does this say the jackie martin show on this on this radio program i took it as jefferson howard stern program gorilla that is the worst argument you can ever have stop saying it who do you who do you work for i work for you oh you work for me but it sounds like you were working for jackie because it's jakey because it's cause it's because it's jaggy but you see i thought that he was part of the the big i thought we were all one family and then we're one family we are not one family i am the only family you have now i know that that's right and that's good now we know he always knows it a year later after the fact yeah i pamela anderson hasn't been back here actually think about it yeah neither is tim allen he was such a joke what is it john but you definitely thought like you know that jackie knew he was doing something wrong because he would run out oh of course of course he knows he knows he's doing he's a i don't get it it's passive aggressive behavior this is just it's me it's me it's me i've done something great it's not enough that i hey i recognize my hey look look him allen look i just wanted you to see what i was throwing up there you know what it is doing it so gorilla was on so why doesn't gorilla so if you knew let me ask you something you're another genius because i i i i i yeah and what would you do i would say everyone sits back and doesn't do anything no well you know what why doesn't someone tell me that's one person talking to me all the time why don't you say something to me you talk about everything everyone does and no one tells me please give me a break john if you told me that you think it would have still been going on because it wasn't it was like the biggest point in the in the show that i was like you know it is right now john well it is right now you ever see fred do something like that do you ever see fred do something okay what point we'll take i would never have someone for an autograph at least you do some things right maybe i do ten things and one of them's wrong right i would never ask someone for an autograph yeah i mean do you see robin doing this i don't even see ralph doing personally be embarrassed by asking again autographs that's why i'm doing it yeah but i would never do that so it's just what is it ralph you know the like the first week i was here and i saw that going on why didn't you tell me i needed to and he said you guys know about it you knew it i did it so now he tells me he tells you i knew about it is that right i was shocked by that and i said i can't believe does howard know that he's doing this and he's i don't know bull crap i never said that i would never say that he said that's a lie bull i never said that that's a lie exactly i said no disappointment to me no disappointment well if you knew it just as long as anybody else did yeah i knew it and no no no bull crap i did not tell you that howard knew because he didn't and i wouldn't say that you're wrong why didn't you tell allah yeah why didn't you tell howard i would have oh yeah okay i would have told him as weird as the situation got you never went and told him anyway you know this is like this is like when the uncle uh rapes oprah and nobody talks about it when i'll wait that's what it's like i didn't hump anybody hey jackie jackie seriously man you you know what you're doing this way too light look at poor gorilla down he's uh being held up in a bad light to tell tell on jackie because he's got the pen and they're afraid he's going to write something about it oh please that's some [ __ ] that hurts me i don't care you're going to write something about me oh for god's sake he's never stopped seriously man give me a break huh i mean use your brains jackie doesn't know what he's doing no i'm out of control right now no you want you're not out of control you know you're exactly in control you know exactly what you're doing yeah i gotta ask you something but don't facilitate it jack jackie would you ever do it yourself no and not only that wouldn't you do it himself if you want to tell me about it steve that guy stephen what stephen bogart autographed a couple notes for me it was no big deal you want to grab my notes for me sure oh i see so this goes some of the lines that jackie's you know writes oh and that goes to howard yeah he slips at the house you know he shook my hand he's nice stephen bogart's a little bit different than but but i'm just saying in general don't annoy people who come in here can can i just ask it's a professional show jackie why do you have two what's the point of two like how come it's not just one what's the one so we can sell one so we can keep i don't even know what he's doing what is the what is the purpose of two pieces of paper the funniest things that i write about whatever happened on that day with that guy i just have them autographed one or two and i they're souvenirs and they're fun and what are you doing and they're fun where are they where can we see them oh you haven't been home what do you do you keep them in a pile they're in the museum right you can see them in the book that's coming out anything else i can i can accommodate you with maybe we can get them to do other things for you maybe cut special jackie ids you can run them on your phone machine but he'd probably like pictures hey that's a good idea jesus you guys there's a story apologize of course you should i was at letterman with you once yeah and of course i can't even bring him with me so i listen i like bringing jackie with me i'm always into helping anybody i can help and i think that's true i think everyone knows that sure never stood in anybody's way i never say don't do something i said you got to do something do it if i can help you promote it but but do me a favor when the show is on and we're conducting ourselves stop thinking about yourself for a second yeah just put the show ahead of yourself for two seconds just one time i was at letterman once wait a minute with you go ahead yes oh please yeah i was at letterman with you once and this guy followed me into the bathroom and he said can you get howard to sign something and i want to give it to jackie and one of the one of the pages there came up to me goes does that guy ask you to sign something we told him not to sign i think the guy lost his job of course good what is it not only does does jackie just ask for an autograph yeah he asked him to write something funny oh my god oh can you explain this to the you are hassling my guess with this nonsense the weird gains you get that [Music] these are the jokes why are you anymore you tell the guests do you you listen to this guys don't listen to anybody they don't have to be real funny what was that they don't have to be real funny just a little haha hahaha okay you're pushing them jackie you push this kid right over the edge he's gonna be in a fetal position sucking his thumb in the corner he's gonna be he really is you ruined them listen jackie see how much jackie cares about your anguish you're running around jackie is never going to advance your career he's only going to get you in trouble it's a shame now that i realized that well yeah i just thought i was doing something nice for the guy that's it and you absolutely were again it's harmless why is it harmless because jackie doesn't care you see hey could you sign these things before you do the birthday i made a few jokes yeah am i a joke or two on the paper and check out your fondest memories yeah yeah can you sign my yearbook just a short paragraph hey i still can't you know i'm now a bad guy i'm the bad guy howard doesn't let me right why can't i get my autographs hey nancy oh you see what i mean you can't do anything no matter how many times i tell the interns not to listen to jackie they listen to jack i know every i want get all my interns in here now i'm going to issue an edict because the rules object they don't know vipers like jackie i know and jackie's like what's the big deal if it was such a big deal why isn't jackie doing it himself all interns come out here's chris and basil and gange hey stuttering john where's the stuttering vic all right look at my crew somebody vic just walked into a camera holy crap all right listen you guys repeat after howard no no no no come on if jackie asks you to do anything you're to clear it with gary don't listen that goes for you especially gorilla because you're the dimmest witted of all the interns thank you all right you get that you get that chris might be annoying but he's smart vic is a computer genius forget ganji but ganji knows how to do his work stuttering john has a talent he stutters and basil seems to be convicted [Laughter] are you an ex-con tell the truth what am i doing with an ex-con oh we got to talk to him about wanting to beat up mark harris i found out the reason he wants to beat up mark first of all martha ray died yes it did how come he wasn't the next con when he was testifying against me hey let me tell you something hey basil this is really weird why basil hates mark harris you would think it was like he was anti-gay or something it's not why do you hate mark harris i just it's it's amazing it's being a man of principle i don't think tell me about what you martha ray is one of your biggest heroes is she really yeah i really she's watching martha he said this morning really i said he was oh man she was so damn funny where did you get that i used to love watching her you're a big martha ray fan well it was yeah well she died you do you still like her oh he's weird how'd you end up in jail well i had someone at boarding school you know it was boring there we had nothing else to do so we sold coke is that right it wasn't like that yeah there was this little scene going on there but you're all your reform now right yeah yeah can't you tell why oh no don't don't even get me started man don't even man this is ridiculous i'll bring up stuff right now that you're being framed yeah i know exactly just like he's like go in there i don't want to get involved go in there and say this stuff for jackie nobody knew about this no i had no idea if someone would just tell me you are now we are sitting in here john we're not out there do you remember the hitler youth movement you know you guys think that i know everything that's going on i am so busy working on this movie and and the and the television show and the radio show i don't have time to watch what jackie's up do i just trust that everyone's the show howard we can't be out i'm not out in the hall why would you think i know this because i you know i i just assumed everybody did i mean gary knew freddie did you know be honest no i never know because i'm not usually out there during that what is wrong with you john you don't know we're in here i don't know i i i could have sworn i told you about this you could swear you tell a lot of things but you didn't you tell them tell me everything else this you don't tell me listen gorilla it falls prey to jackie that's why jackie prays on gorilla he he chose him out of all of you he makes me worked on him he knows it's like you know dracula used to be able to look in someone's eyes and the dim-witted would the seagulls would go off i was just being nice man yeah you were being great well that's what jackie could count on yeah he counts on the dim weighted being nice it's like the master yeah we'll follow your bidding here he's like going oh i hear that voice again tonight the dim-witted he takes he falls prey on the dim widow it's the only way to go he finds the dimmest of the interns and corrals it right chris absolutely all right it took some scrutiny to figure out who was the dimmest yeah and then like like chris wouldn't want you the chance to go do that can i just say something yeah go ahead chris feel free to say now's your chance to talk don't talk to me yeah um as soon as he came out of the studio i was standing by scott's um you know he came out and you were gawking at him going on i was looking at it but there's no way no problem with that go ahead i felt bad for steve because he had like a piece of paper in his hand going for the uh you know this oh for god's sakes i'm so embarrassed but i would never think about that celebrity because that's the first thing you're told you don't bother people all you gotta do is tell us you're not in this alone why did you think you couldn't talk to somebody if you were upset about it because this reason alone that he's gonna like get dreamed of whatever he cares if he gets reamed yeah better him than you don't you're not gonna be fired because he gets reamed he can't fire you only i can't what were you thinking of protecting jackie or yourself i guess protecting jackie oh that's a you're real i don't know howard i don't know if you can use him as an assistant that's what i'm saying every time i started building up confidence in them because they were talking pretty high over him about him i said do you really like gorillas yeah they i said yeah but you don't know he screws up i'm sorry stevie relax i said this is a prime example you're telling him to relax i was in the room when howard went off yesterday you don't know what happened jackie oh shut up i went in ballistic who needs to go ballistic yeah why is jackie irritating you i don't know all right here is the rule and to all interns jackie asks you to do something you say what let me ask gary let me ask you ah chris you win let me ask are the most beautiful gary i ever heard who's gonna help gary i don't know making the decision but at least we can hold gary responsible right gorilla doesn't have to feel responsible stuttery vic or chris or basil ganges these guys have to feel responsible all right repeat on me better jacking on the arm before we all get fired jackie is a loose cannon jackie will ask you to do things that are wrong jackie will ask you to do things that are wrong when jackie asked me to do something when jack jack asked me to do something i say duh all right good that's good all right guys thank you guerrilla did you i didn't hear you repeat oh believe me it's repeated all right it's echoing in your head very good all right there it is all settled jackie knows now everyone knows okay it's all out in the open done deal all right it's been exposed thank you gorilla for your help jackie is his friend jackie his buddy the jackie show that's the worst thing that could ever happen to you jackie befriending you when jackie comes up and goes i want you to sell coke to four young boys gorilla will ya i really don't want okay okay okay i'll do that for you the threat is hey come on let me take you to lunch would you hey i'm gonna get to go to lunch with jackie's cigarette now i want you to take these pieces of paper and run after the guests and get them to sign and ask them to write something funny two times for a whole year and don't tell anybody just go break right before it go go now no big deal hurry hurry hurry get tim allen before he leaves the door i don't know what to do with it i was really almost going to use him on the movie boy am i actually jackie did me a favor you exposed him he was the kid on the movie yeah you use him what do you have him doing on the on the set yeah maybe you'll have him signing maybe he'll sign uh what have you already assigned him a task for that but during howard's movie gorilla i want you to go on there and screw things up i can't tell it to be a success it'll drive me over the edge now here's what i need you to do yes master the fever is in my blood i can't help it oh what do what do i need you to do sabotage get the autographs get the autographs he doesn't come to me for two weeks he's sitting there did you see how he came to you yesterday yeah and oh man i really feel like a traitor a traitor can you imagine i feel like a traitor what is this traitor routine inmates here baba bowie is the world i can't wait to fire bob a boy so he has a real job somewhere where he can feel like a traitor i feel like a traitor oh man i really don't want to say this why don't you really want to say it if something in the office is running wrong tell me this is a really sticky situation yeah sticky sticky situation i don't care this is baba bowie i feel like a trader both who do you work for this has been going on for a while he sucks man he sucks papa bowie is a [ __ ] he's the worst hey did you hear his answer i knew about it for two weeks but i didn't know how to tell you i didn't get a chance i can't he sees me every day every day locks me in a room and it shows me porno tapes with tracy lords and uh but but he has no time to tell me that people are being hassled in my hallways for autographs in the in between those stories about his house yeah he could tell you about jackie mary's doing very well with the baby who cares who cares about your wife and your baby oh man we just ordered all this furniture what about jackie we just ordered a lot of fun john's doing real good for me in the stock market stupid ass yeah we're doing the muscles mary wants to do it howard gary lamaze is crap oh but mary wants to do it who cares what you say vault i got out of those breastfeeding glasses though who cares about it who cares about baba boo in his stupid life just run my office for me i feel like a traitor both a traitor man this is difficult i feel like sitting there stuffing his face with nathan's during my whole show this is so uncomfortable it's getting uncomfortable big shiny teeth get in here i saw that coming i gotta straighten everyone out every day on this show i feel like a trader why do you feel like why don't we feel like a tree can we just skip ahead and just have me repeat no why do you feel like a traitor why do you i don't get you man i don't get you i shouldn't have to feel like a traitor but it's a weird scene right here because i know why is it weird what is it me against everyone no am i am i the not to be here no no it sounds like it do you care about guest relations on the show of course i do so why would you wait two weeks why is it an emergency to you you knew it was wrong it happened because i wasn't sure it was going to keep going on i only seen it then i came to you no just come to me don't my hair too late but i'm sorry i'm on the hair uh you know i hate to differ with you but it it really shouldn't have required coming to you it shouldn't have he should have stopped it now now i you know what you're damn ass right why do i have to have uncomfortable feelings no you know what thank you robin why do we have to have uncomfortable feelings between me and jackie you should have put a stop to it i would have but jackie i don't know jackie why did you come to me on that did you actually direct my relationship with howard jay he is jackie wouldn't you say give those papers to me and i'll take them back so howard's the bad guy again now i'm the bad guy i put a stop to jackie's little pieces of paper you could have just as easily when i told you yesterday said don't involve me and just put a stop to it why do you but you came and told me already right you told me i got to react to it i'm involved you know i don't want you coming to me anymore you have to react to it to jackie don't tell me about your house and your wife either i could care less just run my office and don't tell me about jack gary again use the gary shandling show as an example because that's the closest thing i have oh and you because that's he needs a visual aid when you see artie he handles people i don't know i'm not supposed to know that jackie would pieces of we almost understand that you can't talk to tom but when you can't handle this situation yeah yeah he always comes to the excuses i can't tell because tom doesn't give me any respect i don't give tom doesn't give me any respect robin works gorilla now doesn't give you respect works in the only radio station in the country where she actually gets to talk to her boss like she's in charge nobody gets it you can't understand why i can't boss tom around no no gary we i don't care about robin right now i care about me and you let me explain what i meant no you can't have any conversation with tom where you get anything done that's ridiculous no no you're almost right he can't have any conversation that doesn't involve me because i have to end up disciplining everyone but you don't have to discipline tom and there are certain administrative things that he should be able to handle with tom but again gary gets no respect and of course well of course you don't because every time tom likes me but it doesn't mean when it comes to issues between you two guys mom wants it to be between you can't handle he doesn't want to talk to him you can't handle gorilla with jackie's pieces of paper without coming to me why do i have you that's fine why i don't understand it you just run to me like a baby because you don't want to be the one to tell jackie i would easily tell but it's not my place to say it just say to gorilla don't hassle my guess ever again i don't care if it's jackie fred i don't care if it's robin i don't care who it is i don't care if it's not in charge of guest relations like getting them in and getting them out that's what you tell me you're so good at they're treated while they are here and now i'm sitting here and i feel like a bad guy with jackie i gotta work with jackie every day i'm the one who stopped him from doing it meanwhile you recognized the problem you knew it was a problem go handle the problem for me i'm in the middle of movies you know think about my life how what it's become i got all this important stuff and i got i got a i got uh mama toothy here he can't handle the interns because he's afraid of jackie jackie if jackie has a problem you're not telling me i could handle the interns no it had nothing to do with these who couldn't you handle jackie so when did jackie come to you will you tell the intern what you want you don't want to hear the paper i could easily tell the intern what to do yeah and then when jackie comes to you say jackie we have a policy it's inappropriate you knew it was inappropriate gary just deal with it the weirdness would have been between jackie could no it wouldn't be weird it would have been weird what if jackie hates you explain what if jackie hates you who cares you don't want to listen no of course not because i'm i'm incensed but you just said why can't you handle the interns and i've explained it to you yes i was wrong no it doesn't have anything so now i've handled it with jackie you're satisfied i took the dirty work you're not the bad guy i am of course again i'm the bad guy you didn't have what do you want me to do what other dirty work do you want me to do didn't have to do this on the air what should i have done it off the air yeah you could have said to me yesterday tell jackie to stop doing it it would never come up no no no no here's what you do you shouldn't even bring it to me granted but what is your job best relations don't have interns handling don't don't blame me because you wanted to yell at jackie no no no i've taken care of jackie i'm not afraid of jackie neither should you be you're right i shouldn't be but i am stop it just start acting like management you're at my manager you run this show the gary puppet has something to step up to it no i don't want the gary puppet in on this because i'm dead serious yeah good thanksgiving you're afraid of fred i'm so sick you know i get such trivial crap like ralph's been trying to get a hold of me for three days on the phone i know what he wants he now wants to run all of the makeup all of the hair all of the clothing you understand on the movie oh jeez and we all know he's an imbecile we put him on i put him on the movie he's in charge of like finding glasses and he's in he's in there he's making and he can't just take that job i know what he wants move himself but if he bothers me one more time he can't prove him everyone on the movie thing hates him already i've already already wanted to fire him excuse me one second they've already wanted to fire him but i've saved his job again i should never bother me again with ralph and i'm not ralph you are not to bother me with your incompetence that's not what i wanted to talk to what about what i'm not going to talk to you about what do you want to talk to me about just deal with people work with them they're into you they want to get your advice on things you can't run everything coordinate you're the overseer i know that i know that i just think i just have to get some input i'm gonna have a breakdown from incompetence i need people who are competent gary's a [ __ ] i thought you had more brains than him you told me you took his word i'm not i'm gonna have you both tested so i know who has more brains all right get out of here bone [Laughter] on a bright side at least i wasn't hassling you right you don't have somebody at all uh you just go around him you just go around me and do everything behind my back we have to find out about you sinister i was hoping that that wasn't lost on you that really that was no problem for you to have to handle oh that wasn't lost on me at all robin thank you thank you for opening my eyes my sweet angel my one beacon of life he could have just handled that and then he keeps saying well you could have told me just what to do hey fred let me ask you something yes you would know that i mean seriously if you were gonna now have people signing two pieces of paper a day and having interns hassle to guest you would know that it was kind of bizarre right i mean even you know as an intern or as the person asking is the person asking i think it would be inappropriate yeah thank you why is that so unbelievable to jackie i don't know but jackie's got a different mentality yeah yeah that's for sure from everybody [Laughter] where's the jackie puppet when you need him he's broken tom ripped him tom ripped his arm off all right listen i apologize to my audience for having to for the last hour conduct business but i have been so busy i would normally conduct this off the air yeah i would like to apologize to all the guests that were so incredibly hassled by this i know you don't mean you don't mean it at all you don't mean it at all but what can i do that's you you're encourageable i just wish my man my office people could tell me what's going on out in the halls no they want to protect jackie i told you i don't blame you you don't have a clue everyone's a hippie hey come on what's the big deal let's sign pieces of paper we want to be i don't want to i don't want you to yeah i better not tell anybody and gary is such a dope he can't even see the he sees gorilla doing it two weeks ago he don't stop him i feel like a tree gary used to have people cutting answering machine messages for him and we stopped yeah i stopped him because he's a [ __ ] do you mind uh grandpa always do you mind cutting a personalized answering machine mr schwarzenegger in all truth isn't that a little different it's horrible i thank god i found out about it i what i did was wrong with the answering machine messages i'm sorry i had to get up two people cut answering machine messages i did not torment every guest that left you every single guest that left here and asking to be witty while they were doing it yeah nobody asks them to be willing i don't know but gary gary sorry pal but it's a it's a tie thank you it might you might even be worse in other words for your personal answering machine only i i only asked asking the guided people i only wanted jessica han a friend to do it okay she was a friend and that that was an important message you had on better on your own it was unbelievable he met her on his own were you a personal friend of jessica hans i had a friend do it you want a friend do it have greg do it he's your friend he did but it was dull good hi this is craig his friend jessica hahn yeah he didn't meet her through the show i could have i don't know what stupidity that was good oh you pulled out a good one reach way back well i'll tell you one thing everybody have a good laugh because i'll tell you one thing guerrilla ain't working on my movie oh i don't do that sorry so you guys laugh it up with a gorilla in a row don't take this stuff seriously now you will getting them in i'm going to use that as an example you know you could give now you got now you're all going to think before you ask anybody to do he pays that's not fair that's the brace i'm the bad guy i'm going to be the bad guy because gary's got no balls to talk to you and uh everyone's a good hippie i'm going to be a hippie now hey man i'm if everyone's my buddy i'm at our buddy well now they'll all sit around how it's a bastard i don't care because i don't know that anyway gary plots against me i don't know how to tell you this both i don't want to be a trader no how is that a video robin's a c word would you sit around say that yeah well i'll tell you something i'm becoming a real class a number one bastard and uh he was a bastard you guys you guys can make up the money that gorilla would have made getting his first entree into the field collection yeah i am paying him tonight that's good okay let's see if i'm not sure you guys laugh it up see if i'm not serious see if i'm not serious well that's your decision that's right that's right everybody's got to make their own decisions there's an absolutely no one run my office and i tell you what i'm almost at the breaking point there's absolutely no way now right here about something going on [Music] i noticed gorilla doing it a couple of weeks ago and i was really uh i was really nervous i didn't want to turn you know this is what this guy wants jackie's my friend i don't want to turn him in but i gotta you know i gotta think about the show and i sort of knew it was wrong and i knew that i also knew that if howard found out about it not through me and he knew that i knew about it i get in trouble so i had you know i had to do the right thing for you know for the sake of the show but but i also do a couple i saw it happen like three times and i felt very uncomfortable because i could see that the guests were uncomfortable and i told gorilla as of yesterday to stop doing it until you know and then i spoke to howard about it where's the argument