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why am i single when I'm doing everything right different forms of this question pop up how can I heal myself so that I can be healed enough for a you know a partner that I want to come into my life so another way this question pops up is is it possible to go from avoidant to secure or from anxious to secure or from spice of life er to secure and can can attachment Styles change that kind of thing now you might think these are all different questions but they're actually all the same question and I'm gonna explain how and why looks let's just take an open-hearted anxiously attached individuals example because that tends to be the majority of my audience but I would add that this works for any other insecure attachment so you know so we think for ourselves I'm an anxious person because I worry a lot but a secure person must not worry as much as I do so when I learn how to worry less then I'll be more secure the thing that I want to point out here is that the difference between let's say you and a secure person is not the worry that you're experiencing okay the difference is how identified you are with that worry because the presence or the absence of an identification amplifies or D amplifies the effect of that worry so let me just explain this in more basic terms so the more identified you know that we are with a worry the more we allow that worry to color the lens through which we perceive the world our partners and any other possibility for you when that happens now we start behaving in ways that tick off the boxes for an attachment assessment that tells you you're anxious okay but the less identified you are with that worry the more you're likely to take a pause sift between the sensation of worry and then how you're gonna act upon that worry we start to question it so for example anxious and the attached individuals are usually very accurate in reading emotional cues that hyper-vigilant about it then however they make a misinterpretation and assume it's about them or assume they've done something wrong but someone who has a more secure attachment might say okay let's do a little bit of reality checking before we go making an assumption that's gonna lead me down an unnecessarily painful path or make me feel rotten about myself when it might have nothing to do with me does it mean that I have no agency or that I'm not special and deserving of love it just means that they may have a problem and they have to work it out that's the other thing is sometimes we have a tendency to want it to be about us because then that means that we feel special that means that they must be as preoccupied with us as we are with them and that makes us feel safe but on the other side of it then we take on too much responsibility for them and then someone suggests well you should create more boundaries to feel more healthy and secure and you reject that because then then if you create too many boundaries you're not gonna feel special anymore and then you assume you're gonna feel lonely and then that's gonna feel like well if I could meet my needs why would I bother being in relationship nobody will want me I have a video on my youtube channel that also addresses that if I can meet my own needs what's the point of being a relationship in three steps to reduce suffering and love and that because that is fueled by a notion that we must suffer for our love and if we are not suffering then we are not loving and if they are not suffering for us then they are not loving us either so being secure does not mean that the worry isn't there but it does mean that you have more free will and spaciousness inside kind of buffering the effect of that worry because when you immediately act on a worry that compels you you are going to receive a reinforcing response from the environment for example a triggering response from an avoidant partner because they are operating in the exact same way that you are in the equal and opposite side of that coin so moving towards security means that you are not the worry anymore you are the part that observes the worry and makes decisions about it I know it's there I know that when they don't you know text me when I want them to I want to send them a barrage of texts until they respond to me but I'm aware of the impulse doesn't mean I have to act on it doesn't mean there aren't creative ways in which I can turn that energy in on myself and explore the ways to explore the things that make me feel good about myself and and move that energy and focus in those directions instead and with that ambiguity until the environment reveals more imporant to meet or until an answer emerges from the depths of my soul that let me know what next step I should be taking and that's step one so a lot of like spiritual circles will tell you you just have to observe you just have to assume the observer position well I'm gonna call the moons I've you get spaciousness around your worry and then you can be in charge yes and no accomplishing that is a big step because even though you may still feel the anxiety and you're trying desperately to escape it at least now you're in dialog with it at least now you're in conversation with it and at least now you're making a choice to stuff it down if that's what you're trying to do as opposed to just letting it take you over step step one right but I think we can all agree that stuffing things down isn't working either and so but then what happens is now we are in the observer position we are in a moon's eye view and now we see how anxiously we're acting now we see how much we're worrying and now we start worrying about how much we're worrying and how are you just about how anxious we are and we think we're doing such a good job of hiding our anxiety the more I can figure out how to get rid of this feeling the more secure I must be and thus the more I can earn a good partner you're stuffing it down you're stepping it down I'm not needy I'm not anxious I don't need these things and someone says to you or are you okay and you say nothing's wrong I'm fine but on an effective body level of communication or let's call it an energetic nonverbal level of unconscious communication they can tell you're not okay they wouldn't have asked the question they would not have asked the question if you were not emoting that in some fashion or they were not sensing that from you in some fashion they are perceiving you as your words not matching up with what they are sensing from you and when we are in love and when we are in a romantic relationship our communication is primarily on the level of the body it's what we sense and feel from each other it's a feeling place and because your words are not matching up what they are sensing and feeling from you and because as a society we are not actively taught to label and sort and trust our own feeling States let's say above an external level of validation they get confused their canoes because they're sensing this you're telling them no they're like am i sensing myself correctly and I say them correctly now there's a whole bunch of confusion and when there's that much confusion you cannot trust someone you can't you can't trust them you don't trust yourself with them because you think you're not reading them correctly and so in the end they don't feel safe with you they think there's things you want that you're not expressing and then that makes them feel like they can't trust you you're not being upfront and if you sat think well that's what avoids and partners do oh yes they you do oh yes they do everyone's doing it everyone's doing it and so no one's trusting each other and so now we end up in the Annoying trap because you're both doing the same thing and then you know seemingly out of the blue let's just still stay in the more open-hearted perspective let's say you've been doing that for a while and you're suppressing things but your energy is actually lighting you up like a Christmas tree and then seemingly out of the blue three or six months on the line of the relationship this person breaks up with you suddenly wants more space and you have no idea what you did wrong you were doing everything right you were doing everything right you were saying all the right words you were doing all the right things what went wrong maybe they say something like I don't know the chemistry's off it's a mismatch I can't tell you or maybe they ghost you because they you don't know how to explain that and maybe they have a fear of conflict on top of it and they don't want to see the disappointment in your face and this is what I call it double trouble right it's a double trouble because when you have an experience because your body is the first you know organizer of experience and in your life when when you have received messages and information and stimulation and observed and taken in by osmosis the way that other people emotionally respond to and act with one another which is typically the ways that I had just described then you take it in and that's how you are and your body has a certain programmed response especially attachment system limbic part of the brain to how what it's going to be attracted to and how it's going to respond so you could have all the insight in the world around something but if you have a synaptic groove in your brain that is wired towards being anxious or wired towards being avoidant you have on a body level deep-seated beliefs and responses that are tied to your survival okay so so security is your relationship to your own insecurities if you can shift your relationship to that and you can learn on a body level how to connect to your own securities how to be in dialogue with the parts of yourself that those insecurities represent if you can have an active practice and process for being in communication with that part of yourself in the inner space then all of the momentum you've got tied up around pushing or pulling against that part of you starts to relax and titrate that is security that is security okay so it's a form of acceptance and I think I don't think it happens all at once I think it starts by witnessing observing being tolerant of it then being accepting of it and then once you are accepting of it you will feel what's you're accepting of it on a body level and you've engaged the body and being in dialogue with it then you will start to feel compassion for it and once you hit the level of compassion now you're stepping into felt security you