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hello I'm Angela poblet with choosing home adoptions and I'm here today with Ashley Mitchell the president of lifetime healing and she's taken the time to go through our adoptive families are waiting adopted families profile books and we are excited to kind of take a step back and and take steps towards making these profiles books better and more ethical and she's pointed out some things though that we have not been doing well talk to me about what the profile should look like so first of all I think it's really awesome that an agency is willing to come in the table and say we haven't been doing this well how can we do it better and we've had the opportunity to really go through your books in great detail and to see where we can make some minor adjustments one of the things that you need to understand about the profile books is that there is an actual pregnant mother on the other end reading the book I know that sometimes it's all paperwork and it can all seem hypothetical but on my end it's very real and I'm in an impossible situation and trying to make a decision pick a stranger off of a bunch of a bunch of books to to potentially be the parents of my child and it's a really big decision and so the language and the way that you're speaking to her through these books it really matters and it's going to affect her decision and whether she chooses you or not so one of the biggest issues that we're finding is in the hello letter the very first letter of the book when you're actually talking to the mother you have the entire book they have the whole book to talk about themselves and share about their kids and their jobs and where they live and all of these things because they really are that's kind of a sales pitch in a way they're trying to put their best foot forward and show who they are they have one opportunity to emote they connect with the mother and that's in that first letter and it needs to be acknowledging her and her role her making considering an adoption plan she has not chosen adoption until she really wishes she is considering adoption all the way through even into the hospital she's still just considering adoption and understanding her role and right in this is going to be so huge for your emotional state and being able to handle it if something falls through or changes but being able to meet her where she's at in these letters inducing and language and that's not offensive or condescending telling her how brave and amazing she is we don't feel that way in this space we feel very disappointed in ourselves we have family and friends and church and society that's disappointed in the fact that we're unwed mothers we have potential rifts in our relationships we feel very embarrassed and ashamed of ourselves that we aren't that we don't feel capable of parenting and so when parents talk about how brave we are an amazing way or it's kind of a slap in the face for her and that's the opposite that we want yeah and I remember from my days of as being an adoptive parent struggling with a letter and looking back now I know that we likely did that the other thing is I noticed you call it a Hello letter yeah instead of a dear birth mom letter or a dear expected letter or dear friend like tell me like a little bit about why just hello so the title is really hard because first of all you never want to use dear birth mother earth because she's not a birth mother right fun that's a very coercive way to say that she's already chosen adoption I'm not a birth until everything questioned so calling her that at any time before would be considered coercive language and when you say expectant mother you really eliminate the potential of a father being there with her reading the book and it's just easier to just simply do hello because then you're including grandparents that might be reading the book fathers that are reading the book and the mother and so it just it's a very safe language and it doesn't eliminate anybody that might be included in this process because we don't want me to do it alone yeah whatever cross him yeah I mean I cost up I love out that she has someone with her okay absolutely where we are you know we're committed to doing it yes and we're excited to have you like give us pointers and I'm excited to work with you in your profile box yeah [Music]