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communication and restore a relation major causes of conflict in the family can you whisper to each other and tell each other what are the top three reasons why you have conflict in the family top three reasons those of you are married disgust would you like to know the number one reasons especially when it comes to husbands and wives this is based on research it may not apply to you number one it's about money it's always a problem expectations married couples are you listening to me you have to be careful with expectations before you are married you have certain expectations of what the husband should be what the wife should be if you are not careful after you get married those expectations become obligations your relationship with each other is no longer romantic you know why in your mind well I expect you to do this the expectation is now changed to obligation you are supposed to do this imagine a relationship that is based on obligations how can there be romantic love so be careful with expectations remember that compassion increase your appreciation lower your expectations selfishness this is a real problem what about in-laws you a problem with in-laws now there are lotsa infidelity different values poor communication when our children were growing up we taught them values because we have the same values our country for minimize one of our values is family time together one of our values is duty before pleasure pay before you play so if they want to go out on Friday night Saturday night it's so easy because our values are the same so they will check do we have any family activities Friday night none do I have any assignments that I need to finish done so they come to us our answer is very simple what will be my answer yes we see a lot of yes why because our values are the same so may I suggest if I have plenty of time with you guys if we're in a retreat but you know what I'm allows you to do I'm gonna let you write down what are the values you want to have in your family top five values you want to develop in your family example do you want to put God first what does that mean you discuss do you want to put value on family time together can I give you a secret on dealing with in-laws how much you like to hear how to deal with in-laws raise your hand the Millennium problema okay I'll give you the secret here is the secret never ever badmouth each other in front of your parents for example if I don't like something about what Diana is doing I will never tell my parents and I will never tell their parents you know why that's husband and wife rule number one rule number two if it has something to do with her parents I'll give you a secret example I can talk about it now because their parents are now at home with the Lord gets to them it's okay even my mother-in-law is very thrifty she's very good cook but sometimes our lunch in the States is really all the leftover food she will combine them and let them into his - okay just mix it together now I am not about to tell my in-laws please don't fix that kind of lunch for me you know why I will never do that that is first John my wife see anything to do with them is gonna be my wife now my father it's the traditional Asian way of parenting my mother they will never like to see my children naked when they visit us you know what it's hot so when it's hot what will my wife do my wife does not mind if my children do not wear polo shirt or not wear t-shirt do not wear any sure you know why underwear is good enough but when my parents will come and my parents will see them without any shirt but will my parents do she will he or she will tell us you got to have shirt now I am not about to let my wife argue with my father you know why they are my parents so what do I do that's my job I have a simple solution I tell my wife if my parents are coming butchart if they lived remove the shirt you protect its honor understand so these are basic rules speak well of its other in front of your in-laws parents and you will minimize country and then you scheduled visitation time because if it's if you are not secure with each other you feel bad when your wife is visiting her parents because you are insecure and if the wife is insecure man your wife does not want you to be visiting your own parents all the time because they are insecure but if you are secure with your husband with your wife you don't mind in-laws they are most welcome so these are just some guidelines common ways of dealing with conflict number one you ignore them you pretend it doesn't exist that's the Asian where you sweep it under the rugs number two you fight number the other ways you manipulate each other or you withdraw from each other now let me ask you are these the right ways of dealing with conflict no now many Asian families pretend so you ignore or you withdraw worse if you fight that's not the way may I suggest the following how do you deal with conflicts conflict is inevitable meaning sooner or later you are going to have conflict because you are different unresolved conflict affects relationships conflict can become a blessing when handled properly you know when I first learned that conflicts or conflicts inevitable I was about to raise my hand because I was afraid of conflict I remember when I was a younger leader when shishya was started I was afraid of conflict I don't want the elders to disagree with that's my culture we don't want conflict but then I discovered something conflict is not only inevitable conflict is good when handled properly you may not believe this conflict is very good for an organization but you have to handle it properly for example when we have disagreements I now welcome it and I tell each other tell me what is the problem why don't you like what we are doing why don't you like this direction tell me so we listen to each other and we have a wave a principle in CCF among the elders among the leaders among the pastors in the meeting you can express your opinion and you must express your disagreement you cannot keep it but once we discuss and once we agree on something you can no longer discuss it with somebody else let me repeat you cannot have another meeting after the meeting however if you refuse to discuss during the meeting you don't love the church you don't love people why if you disagree you better speak up because your ideas may be better than mine so don't be afraid of conflict so turn to your neighbor tell your neighbor don't be afraid of conflict don't be afraid of disagreements and the loudest voice does not always win it does not matter if your opinion is from the highest ranking officer of the organization it does not affect us to me as long as your suggestion is correct we will follow you we don't pull ranks we don't say well I'm the boss you do it this way however when after discussing we heard every anger right or wrong after discussing everything then we come up with a decision now that's where leaders comes in the final decision has to be made by somebody after discussing everything now usually the majority will arrive at a good decision well it's a moral decision it is never by majority when the Bible says something that's it we don't even discuss because it is something you're sure however should you pay this trip on a Saturday should you have a little bit on a Friday these are issues that you can discuss and debate what is communication communication is a process for two or more people share in a meaningful exchange of ideas for mutual understanding in other words you want to listen to each other communication is not what it said it is what is heard and understood remember that joke that you saw see they are communicating but they are not understanding you need to learn to listen very well so if I were to give you one piece of advice the best way to communicate is to listen communication helps you to understand the other person better good communication helps resolve conflicts good communication Foster's intimacy so don't be afraid of conflict communicate when you communicate you listen somebody was telling me I'm afraid to talk to you I said why are you afraid to meet he said because when I meet you you will probably disagree with me I said so why don't we meet while these women you will convince me that you are Corrigan I am wrong have you heard of such argument you are afraid have you heard that statement don't confuse me with the facts I made up my mind have you heard of that don't confuse me with the facts I made up my mind that means crazy I an insecure leader is always afraid disgust if you are insecure you're afraid of conflict can I tell you why we are not afraid of conflict because the point is not who is Right who is wrong the point is what is the best direction we are going to take I have nothing to prove I want to do what is right for the kingdom of God by the vibe self is private agenda I'll be afraid of conflict all right what's the hindrance to communication well number one not listening no time media how many of you spend at least 30 minutes in social media everyday raise your hand why should I be honest you spend at least 30 minutes a day in social media okay I don't feel guilty my suggestion is this before social media will you promise to read the Bible first louder and will you promise to pray first and will you promise to listen to God first so you're making three promises before social media what will you do read the Bible let God speak to you huh read the Bible number two what will you do pray you talk to God and number three you listen again you pray then you listen after that's what we do do with social media okay but don't be late for office social media is a real problem today so don't be addicted fear of conflict wounded spirit gentlemen if your wife is suddenly choir you are in big trouble if your children stop talking to you and during dinner time your children or one of them is cold you know something is wrong do not pretend it will go away you take time you talk to them and resolve conflict now how do we talk to each other many times we use cliche you know what's cliche for us men we the men are expert in cliche can I tell you how men speak to each other ladies would you like to know how very simple how's the weather Oh amber that's men cliche we discussed very important things the temperature the weather the traffic sharing what you know men are good at this also we don't mind talking about facts we don't mind talking about politicians whatever opinion sharing what do you think the men are good in this all sir now you know where we are poor ladies emotion but ladies do you want your man to talk about their emotion also would you like people to ask you how are you you know why men are afraid to us women how are you do you know why you know why because them they might start crying and when a woman begins to cry the man does not know what to do I tell you men so easy when your wife begins to cry or a woman being to cry in front of you get Kleenex just give it to them and then just transparency sharing who you are okay have you ever asked somebody what's your dream what's your ambition so practice that okay in fact tonight when you go home with your wife you tell your wife honey what are you really afraid of what makes you anxious have you asked that with your children you should try talking to your parents mom is anything causing you to be anxious she that's kind that's the kind of conversation that goes deeper we practice that okay so what's the secret of communication you go to the deeper level have time be intentional okay so make time the top you will never have time you have to schedule time let me repeat you will never have time you got to make time for what is important timing is important have you heard of people saying I don't have time have you heard of that louder I have somebody I know very well I've been inviting to Bible study he said I don't have time I don't have time one day the doctor told him I think you have cancer no seriously the guy suddenly had time to visit hospitals he had time to x-ray he had time to do what is important and guess what he had time to attend Bible study you know I realize time is a function of values if you value somebody you will take time if you value God you have time for him so look at how you spend time the evidence of what is important what is very important is how you spend time so don't deceive yourself I guarantee you once you realize life is short once you realize you have 30 days to live imagine you have 30 days to live I'm gonna ask you what will you do for the next 30 days you see everything will change so time is important make time and number 2 listen listening is a habit that needs to be intentionally develop listening shows genuine interest in what the other person is saying so this is something I'm learning and I'm still learning so I want to listen to people listen to my children look at them in the eyes ask them questions so listen listen listen attend to your neighbor each other just a decent listen listen but can I tell you most parents parents levena most parents top top top not listen listen listen parents do the opposite listen listen listen have you ever imagined why your teenagers would rather spend time with their teenager friends and not spend time talking to you do you know why because when they talk to you you'll give lecture you'll lecture I will eight of their friends they talk nonsense you know why they just laugh even though there's nothing to laugh you know why men go to happy hour men deal what's happy hour do we sleep happy hour today or no more maybe I'm out of fashion already happy hour is the time between office and you go home so you go to a bar you go to a place where you drink it's called Palma happy hour comprende now you know why men talk to each other and they talk nonsense either way they feel accepted they feel loved and they're afraid to talk to their wife can I tell you why because when they share with their wife no wife will tell them this is what you must do tell your boss this tell your boss that so the men will realize why should I talk to my wife everytime I talk to my wife she'll excuse me how to talk to my boss so when you are having a problem you will not talk to your wife anymore you will talk to who other men you know what well you talk to other men the other men doesn't care really you know you talked enough listening to you laughing huh Aparri it's crazy it's a crazy culture okay put yourself in the position of the other person to better understand them okay so that's what we are learning as leaders listen listen listen now the Bible is very clear here is the Divine Principle everybody read this together this you know my brethren everyone must be quick to hear slow to speak slow to anger for the anger of man does not achieve the right of God so that means you listen look be quick to hear slow to speak how many years do you have - how many mouths one so what is the ratio - the one for the girls it's different I'm sure the Alvarez girls speak you want to know how many words and this is based on the research I don't know it's true for the men is around fifteen thousand words a day for ladies is 25,000 I don't know why but I think they are smarter yes smarter it takes intelligence to speak okay ask questions clarify is this what you mean regularly as family members how can I improve humbly listen to their suggestions and commit to change I tell you the best way to talk to teenagers would you like to learn my parents listen to me teenagers are interested of what opposite sex so you talk to them talk to them about their boyfriend girlfriend ask them questions young people young men they like to play computer games ask them about computer games you first start with what is of interest to them not what you like to talk about and then from there lead them to what do you like to talk about okay so that's how you communicate ask questions so turn to your neighbor tell your neighbor ask questions ask questions ask questions and don't ask question that can be answered by yes and no now this is important for communication be aware of your tone body language and words you know I discover whether you believe it or not in communication only 15% is words I'm surprised 85% absolutely tone body language really think about it your tone of voice is very important your body language and your eyes if you tried looking at somebody's eyes and that person is angry can you tell atop a television you know why the poison is coming out of your eyes and then the body language you know when I conceal people I look at their body language when they sit like this what are they telling you tell me they are not open that's why I tell people you want your husband to see me does he want to see me or are you forcing him to see me many ladies are forcing their husbands to go through counseling I say don't do that your husband must want to go to counseling if not you're wasting his time and you're wasting my time so you got to pray that your husband wants counseling like people wants counseling they'll be counseled if they don't like honestly I tell you just look at their body language how they sit how they look at you in any retreat I noticed the first session the first day I look at everybody one style on the second day they begin to change even the music they begin to sing on the third day I tell you the whole body language has changed you know how the Spirit of God has begun to work in their hearts amazing you just watch body language speak the truth in love now this is something hard especially in Asia because we are afraid to hurt people but I tell people if you love somebody you better tell them the truth so I speak the truth in that some people just speak the truth truth without love is painful but if it's all love without truth is horrible you got to combine truth and love so be careful speak the truth in love so I evaluate myself if I'm angry I will not correct somebody because it will come up so I time it when will I talk to my kids well when I talk to my wife and when I talk to my stuff why would I talk to anybody I want to make sure I am NOT angry so I speak the truth in love everybody let's do this together everybody let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth but only such a world as it's good for edification according to the needs of the moment so that it will give grace to those who hear here are some observations in communication number one no exception no unwholesome word should proceed from your mouth what is the word for unwholesome garbled anything that's negative that's unwholesome so what is the opposite of unwholesome well the opposite is this such word as is good for edification that means encouraging something that will build up people now imagine if I think what I say encourage this person or discourage this person do you know I can correct somebody with the result of encouraging the person remember the sandwich approach the sandwich approach start with positive and then in between what you do tell me and then at the end sandwich again a positive so you tell people I really appreciated what you did you are good however and then but be careful this not too much you know why because it was too much you won't be effective you want to be effective and then end with encouragement do you know I need to practice this all the time I'm still learning but all these such word as is good for everybody edification number two look at the timing according to the need of the moment so it must be timely so timing is everything what else it will give grace so that's how you communicate I've discovered a lot of husbands and wives hurt it's either with words yes or no why are you careless with your tongue I was talking to a man I said I notice you're very nice with us you are so nice with us but with your family with your kids I notice you are not so nice why and I discovered something we take our loved ones for granted you become careless so I suggest you change your mind my family members my office staff my D group members these are important people I didn't marry father I said why do you shop why do you lose your temper he said because my children don't respect me I said do you realize by shouting at them the more they will not respect you and there's another father why he loses his temper I said I cannot help it that's me I said I bet you you can have it I said I won't be mad you know I am your guest in your house they were having dinner and your wife does something that will make you shot would you shot in front of me if you said yes I should not imagine I will now offer you 1 million dollar that you were not shot at your wife for one month we accept the challenge everybody loved me I offer you 1 million dollar you will never say anything negative you will not say any bad words you never shot at anybody for one month can you do it really comparable adaiah my whole point is this you can read you can be in control but you must assume responsibility you don't realize how much you can allow God to control your tongue in your life the truth is we refuse to assume control and responsibility yes or no all right so why should we focus on restoring relationships why the Bible tells us everybody we are to love one another that's basic that's why we restore relationships you know what the Bible says if you are presenting and offering at the altar everybody will remember that your brother has something against you in other words your relationship is not right what must you do leave your offering there before the altar and go first be reconciled your brother and then come and present your offering remember I showed this video in CC upon a Sunday the culture at that time only one place of worship Jerusalem I imagine you live in Bursa or you live in the northern province it will take you 3 4 days to go to the temple and when you're about to enter the temple boom you remember something or my wife is angry at me what will the Bible say the Bible says what live [Music] remember your brother your or your wife or your loved ones as something against you leave your offering there before the altar and go now to balance it many times I tried to reconcile with people they don't want to see me I'll do my best after I've done my best I now follow this principle everybody I take the initiative after I take the initiative look at this if possible so far as it depends on you be at peace with all men if possible meaning sometimes it is impossible so I do my best to initiate restoration of relationship so you pray for me and pray for me by the grace of God are so many million people in this world now I think I just have one person left or two that will not want to talk to me but I pray before we we die together we can talk to each other you know why because if we become neighbors in heaven I don't know what he will do I've tried a lot of moves for people to talk to me but if they don't want to talk to me look at me I will keep trying is it okay with you guys so that's the meaning you must initiate now when you initiate remember if possible as far as it depends on you be at peace with honor now how do you know if your wife or your husband does not want to talk to you anymore what do you do gentlemen ladies what do you do you pray are you ready all right you listen I'll teach you how you ask you initiate and then you ask for forgiveness the wrong way to ask for forgiveness this is the wrong way sorry forgive me no effect this is how you should do it we would like to learn all right I was wrong for whatever that is gentlemen have you listened to me welcome at malabo I was wrong for and for my whatever attitude please forgive me for the pain it has caused you I will improve show genuine repentance okay so how will you ask for forgiveness now let's practice I was wrong for I said that with me I was wrong for whatever you want rod are not thinking okay whatever you are thinking you go home fix it up I was wrong for blood and for my if there's no more for me I don't have to add please forgive me for the pain it has caused you please forgive me you know many times you don't tell them the offense I always tell people what are you asking me to forgive you for then you share it be humble be specific ask them to please forgive you give them a chance to respond it is important to let them see your repentance by your willingness to improve so notice the magic word be humble be specific that will restore relationship now what if you have children who are grown up and they have not spoken to you for the last five years what do you do ten years okay but this principle one initiate number two try to approach them may I suggest the following major on the major major on the major don't fight over every issue give in to minor issues learn to adjust us is it a moral issue will it matter ten years from now okay so my advice is major on the major some men are like women even small matters they make it into a big thing gentlemen listen to me is a small thing don't sweat have you read that book don't sweat over the small stuff now it's major then you bring it up ask how you can improve now this is magic as how you can improve may I suggest if your husband or your wife asked you that question how many suggestions will give maximum to don't come up with a piece of paper that has ten suggestions on how you can improve they will be demoralized so you saw in our family just one how can I improve give me one suggestion maximum to invite one or two only so that after three months you ask again do it regularly do not rationalize or defend yourself listen change for the better I remember doing this with my family and my son was telling me something and I was about to answer my wife kicked me like when my wife kicked me I knew already that means shut up can I tell you why plus the moment I start explaining the moment I start defending myself that son of man or that daughter of mine will no longer give suggestions in the future because they realize all you do if you want to defend don't defend even if they are wrong at that time this listen I was criticized last Sunday for something and because my time is also on schedule need to make sure I don't give too many examples but when I was listening to them one of them was telling me how I can improve would you like to know what they told me how I can improve would you like to know really you asked me later okay within question answer no I'm serious you asked me later and I'll tell you demonstrate trust avoid the one mistake syndrome avoid recalling their past mistakes do not jump into conclusions believe the best about the present I'd like you to emphasize this avoid the one mistake syndrome you know just because they made a mistake don't say one more time you are finished don't a lot of people to make mistake then allow God time to work give them time and space allow God to work in your life and their lives pray and then trust them to God so example I have somebody I wanted to meet he doesn't want to meet me so on this birthday I present a gift there wait for response Christmas are presenting gifts nothing happens that's okay give them time give them space be forgiving forgiveness is to set a prisoner free and to discover that that prisoner was you now some of you are holding on to bitterness holding on to anger you need to learn to forgive I don't know how to overemphasize this the key to reconciliation is forgive forgive the others if you have somebody like your son or your spouse or parents you have not spoken for the longest time be prepared to forgive you must forgive before you see them and then take initiative go see them forgiveness is a command it's a choice it is not based on feelings it is based on God's forgiveness so most women especially women are confused in their minds it's a feeling no no don't be the same forgiveness is a command it is a choice I choose to forgive you and it's not based on feelings it is based on God's forgiveness now how did God forgive me God forgave me for all that I've done I've done a lot of foolishness for example how does God forgive us how does God want us to forgive each other just look at some Paul verses sample be on your guard if your brother sins we book him if he repents forgive him if he sins against you how many times seven times a day if it turns to you seven times saying I repent what must you do forgive him now what if he does not repent what do you do well let's see what Jesus has to say Peter came and asked Jesus how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him up to seven times on suffering Jesus seven times seven now what is seventy times seven how many times do your math seventy times seven is 490 times what is Jesus saying Jesus is saying keep on forgiving so don't have a limit to forgiveness now I know what you will tell me what if they abuse me if God is not real then it is not realistic to forgive but because God is real it is the most realistic thing to do you know what God will protect my interest God will be the one to take care of our others will take advantage so me look at me my job is to do my part and God's job is to take care of me yes or no so if you keep taking advantage of me I was telling the wife if your husband keeps taking advantage of you you leave it to God God knows how to protect you God knows how to bless you but my part is to do my part of a gun it is the evidence of genuine salvation my friend if you cannot forgive you better check your salvation have you experienced forgiveness who are you not to forgive people so may I suggest as followers of Jesus you have no choice but to for give because we have been forgiven by the Lord forgiveness is not forgetting forgiveness is a conscious decision not to hold the offences against the person anymore so it is not forgetting but it is a decision I will not count it against you anymore and many times believe it or not once you make a choice God will help you they moved the pain God will help you overcome those struggles that you may have I love this verse please read this together as far as the East is from the West I see removed our transgressions from us you know God forgave me I've done many foolish things but God forgave me can you forgive others this man betrayed his wife eighteen nine times he was unfaithful eighty nine times ladies imagine your husband betraying you many times what we see forgive him what I tell you praise God this lady understood God forgave me I will forgive him but if she found it so hard to forgive him and I told her initially you will find it hard but you make a choice to forgive and trust him to the Lord she said what if he will do it again that is God's department can I tell you this couple is happily married serving the Lord and you would have no idea they were on the verge of separation now when I say 89 times I do not mean she discovered it today and then after one week she discovered another woman no in other words she discovered a few times but when she finally interrogated him how many women did you have in your life but I can batter because the man is now a follower of Jesus and he was asked a horrible question what was the horrible question how many women did you have in your life after we get married now he's a Christian what did you do it's called confession time I mean my heart goes out for him I can just imagine my goodness the pain the embarrassment and then the wife with all her fingernails but you know what today happily married now ladies maybe you don't want to ask that question to your husband tonight a faint on us just fall deep okay really my advice let the pass play dead okay no record it is accepting the consequences of the offense it is trusting God to cause everything to work out for your good and the good of others so praise God when you forgive you must accept the consequences sometimes the consequences is worse than the offense itself let me repeat sometimes the consequences of a wrong is worse than the wrong itself in why it costs you so much pain but you must forgive the consequences and this is the key trust God to cost everything to work out for good everybody let's read it together we know God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God to those who are called according to his purpose I believe one of the reasons why my our family my daughter we were able to forgive people especially those who rape her is because my daughter believed in this verse what happens to you is one thing what you do with what happened to you is everything how you respond the pain and trials does not automatically make you better you must respond properly by assuming personal responsibility your responsibility is forgive and trust you