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hello i'm dr tara pomatier of shrink4men.com if you have a question or would like to schedule a session with me you can reach me at shrink4men gmail.com it's been a while uh been busy hope everyone is okay and hanging in there some days are better than others um the topic of this video is from an article i published a couple of weeks ago on my site shrink4men.com titled co-parenting with a narcissist means being the [ __ ] and that also applies to you know people with borderline personality disorder psychopathy histrionic any any high conflict person um that uh you find yourself sharing custody with so let's get started oh and this is the this will be the first part in a two-part series i'm currently in the process of finishing the second article so let's jump in do you share custody with a narcissist or borderline if so it's time to face the harsh reality co-parenting with the narcissist means being the [ __ ] therefore you may as well get comfortable with it or better yet embrace it don't get me wrong i don't think you're an [ __ ] well i mean i don't know you personally so maybe you're an [ __ ] maybe not nor am i encouraging you to behave like an [ __ ] as most reasonable rational adults define being an [ __ ] before getting into the nuts and bolts or rather the nuts and nuts allow me to clarify a few things first it's impossible to cooperatively co-parent with narcissists borderlines and other high conflict people they neither cooperate nor compromise if you don't want to be endlessly steamrolled you'll need to accept that co-parenting with a narcissist means repeat after me being the [ __ ] second parallel parenting is the most sensible way to manage custody with these individuals for those of you who aren't familiar with the term in brief parallel parenting is a low contact model of shared parenting that typically involves a highly detailed unambiguous custody order that implements boundaries and accountability that's for both parties both people are subject to the same custody order boundaries etc it's not a way to control it is a way to implement accountability and consequences because ultimately you can't control anyone but there should be very clear guidelines boundaries protocols and consequences in place particularly if you are sharing custody with one of these high conflict personality disordered individuals narcissists and borderlines in particular dislike and push back hard at both boundaries and accountability third narcissists borderlines and other disordered individuals see and experience the world quite differently from codependence and neurotic normals therefore the operational definition of being an [ __ ] differs greatly between the two groups in which case have you considered that being the [ __ ] might actually be a good thing fourth relationships with narcissists and borderlines can cause one to see things through the narcissist's distorted subjective reality in other words you become stuck in their backwards logic and quagmire of emotional reasoning and projections in their alternate universe every day is opposite day for example you now believe you're selfish for no longer tolerating the narcissist's anger and cruelty or that healthy boundaries are controlling and accountability is abuse like i said opposite day is it starting to sink in yet okay repeat after me co-parenting with the narcissist or borderlines means being the [ __ ] now here's how i define being an [ __ ] okay an [ __ ] in my opinion and i don't think i'm alone in this is someone who thinks only of her or himself even when they have minor children who doesn't care how their choices words and actions impact others including their partners kids extended family colleagues neighbors employees etc someone who takes pleasure in being cruel and punishing persons with whom they have a grievance this includes people they see as enemies rivals obstacles and nuisances or a threat of exposure what they're really like again no one is immune from their cruelty and selfishness including their own children and on a side note some [ __ ] see their kids as rivals for affection and attention and in some cases as sexual rivals an [ __ ] is someone who lies about things great and small in other words they're pathological liars someone who creates drama and chaos for amusement as a smoke screen by which to manipulate and hurt others or as a form of attention seeking someone who takes no personal accountability blaming everyone and everything for their choices life circumstances shortcomings and failures in other words they take no responsibility someone who has a pathological sense of entitlement this includes grown adults who refuse to work and demand others support them especially the people they hold in contempt because they feel owed or wronged an [ __ ] is someone who plays the victim when in reality they are the aggressor someone who lacks integrity and good character someone who bullies others to get what they want or to avoid accountability and consequences someone who feels zero remorse or empathy toward people whom they've hurt an [ __ ] is someone who lacks a conscience or a sense of shame someone who lives by double standards they have one set of rules for themselves and another set of rules for everyone else in other words [ __ ] are often also great big honking hypocrites of course this list of traits isn't exhaustive distilling it down to the basics an [ __ ] is a person of poor character who only considers their needs feelings wants fears hopes dreams suffering usually self-inflicted and rights not so coincidentally many of the characteristics i just went through describe behaviors and attitudes commonly associated with personality disorders and other high conflict personalities now okay now i'm going to travel to the batshit bananapants republic to identify how narcissists borderlines and psychopaths define being an [ __ ] to narcissists at all an [ __ ] is someone who holds them accountable for their dishonest cruel selfish criminal and or otherwise shady behaviors and attitudes someone who exposes them for who they really are or someone they fear as an exposure threat for example an ex-husband or ex-girlfriend former business partner etc someone who sets and enforces healthy reasonable interpersonal boundaries with them someone who possesses good character kindness compassion empathy a conscience integrity and a sense of fair play narcissists and borderlines often think these qualities make someone a weak sucker who's easily manipulated they think an [ __ ] is someone who expects interactions in relationships to be two-way streets instead of the one-way street that they live on they think an [ __ ] is someone who doesn't enable them and make excuses for their pathology and other immature irrational self-serving [ __ ] someone who doormats themselves hoping to appease the narcissist or gain their love such as it is someone who practices self-care instead of sacrificing their well-being in the service of the narcissists or borderline's bottomless pit of unmutable ego demands to a narcissist an [ __ ] is someone who refuses to feed their sense of entitlement and play along with their professional victim narrative it's someone who isn't easily manipulated by a pity sympathy flattery sex and other forms of seduction fear obligation and or guilt it's someone who insists upon dwelling in the realm of facts and logic instead of circular arguments trivial distractions and disruptions and emotional reasoning a narcissist an [ __ ] is someone who calls them out on their crap and who doesn't slavishly flatter and fawn over the narcissists or borderline's false self or curated social media self that is how the narcissist wants to be seen by others which is typically wildly different from who they actually are for example mother of the year successful entrepreneur super woke or a good christian in many ways comparing the two lists you know how non-disordered people tend to define being an [ __ ] and how narcissists and borderlines define being an [ __ ] it is like stepping through the looking glass if like me you have a strong attachment to objective reality this can be incredibly crazy making that is until you understand what's going on namely their character pathology in case it still isn't clear co-parenting with a narcissist means being the [ __ ] so what the narcissists histrionics and borderlines think makes you their ex and fellow co-parent an [ __ ] and um before i proceed i want to give a trigger warning for sarcasm because there's some straight ahead coming at you so again what do narcissists histrionics and borderlines think makes you their ex and fellow co-parent and [ __ ] for example you want 50 50 shared physical custody you're being an [ __ ] you follow court orders and the custody agreement and want the ex to do the same you're being an [ __ ] you believe a grown adult should financially support her or himself you're being an [ __ ] you find a constant stream of texts to the kids during custody time with you intrusive and disruptive you're being an [ __ ] you want joint medical and educational decision making and to be informed and included in the kids medical dental psychological care etc you're being an [ __ ] you set reasonable boundaries with your ex regarding communication and ignore attempts to control how you parent in your home on your time you're being an [ __ ] you ask the ex why if you're such an abusive [ __ ] he or she texts and phones you constantly demanding face-to-face contact you're being an [ __ ] you insist the ex not schedule kid activities during their time with you as you respect the kids time with the ex you're being an [ __ ] but wait there's more you expect reciprocity when you do the x a favor for example trading days for the x's once in a lifetime very special family occasion because the kids will be scarred for life if you don't trade days with me du jour you're being an [ __ ] you tell the ex no in response to well anything it's in your interest to say no to you're being an [ __ ] you refused to be the co-signatory on the x's new car viking miller ford after years of mistreatment including a false abuse allegation and trying to get you arrested to destroy your custody rights you are being an [ __ ] you don't want to pay thousands of dollars in addition to the court-ordered child support for kid necessities for which the court-ordered child support is supposed to pay you're being an [ __ ] you don't want the ex bad-mouthing you your family or new partner just like you refrain from doing to them because it hurts the kids you're being an [ __ ] you refuse to agree to homeschooling because you want the kids to experience peer socialization and healthy adult role models plus bpd mom already refuses to share information regarding academics and extracurricular activities not to mention the ex's well-established lack of work ethic you're being an [ __ ] you hold the x to the custody order requiring them to pay their share of medical expenses within a 30-day billing cycle you're being an [ __ ] you refuse to participate in the ex's pointless endless text tantrums and attempts to bait you into the same old tired conflicts you're being an [ __ ] and you're refusing to co-parent i'm telling the judge on you i could do this all day but i won't so what's the takeaway believe it or not when a narcissistic or borderline x calls you an [ __ ] it usually means they're angry about no longer being able to deceive bully control manipulate and exploit you and that you have stopped enabling them and allowing them to trample your boundaries so well done buddy also it's often a sign that you're making healthier choices enforcing boundaries and no longer becoming emotionally rattled by their ridiculous behavior and self-created dramas or at the very least not letting on that you're being affected by it and even if you're just like masking how much they are still able to push your buttons that's progress so seriously hats off to you obviously a rational human being should be able to cut through the aforementioned histrionics and determine who is the actual problem alas it often takes teachers physicians therapists and family court deciders longer than one might hope to stop getting things backwards how can you facilitate their awakening or in the trendy parliament's workness well basically it begins and ends with you so how do you embrace being the ass excuse me the [ __ ] especially if you struggle with codependency and are easily bullied and manipulated by guilt threats or sympathy ploys well you're gonna have to wait for the second part of this uh which is at the moment tentatively titled how to embrace being an [ __ ] when co-parenting with a narcissist or borderline i'm almost done probably early next week wow after yesterday it's actually a little bit cathartic to say [ __ ] that many times in a 20 minute period i don't usually do that but hey 2020 isn't over yet okay again i am uh lucy shush uh i'm dr tara pomatier of shrink4men.com if you have a question or would like to schedule a session with me you can reach me at shrink for men gmail.com thanks again for watching have a good day