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hmm [Music] uh [Music] um hello everybody uh the please very shortly so please so [Music] [Music] [Music] um uh hmm hello everybody we will be starting shortly so and and there is a question regarding uh the certificate in certificate so wait um it's okay hmm so so oh hello everybody so uh [Music] general is and litigation here our organization comes into the picture we are creating a social awareness campaign mediation as the future of alternative resolution hello everybody welcome to the international webinar on mastering the psychology of mediation university and i will be the mediator for the day crisey knows that the certificate will be provided only after your completion of feedback form provided at the end of the session the sale will be available only for 15 minutes we are so privileged to have a wonderful speaker with us today miss esque is the mediator to resolve wealthy and business conflicts in the conference and enforcement aimee was [Music] [Laughter] professionals in various universities mediation and enjoy over 1000 employees and related commercial matters including lawsuits class actions eeoc related commercial matters charges internal drp matters clearly professionals and senior level executives on employment resolutions recognized both locally and internationally for her professional skills in resolving the issues she has repeatedly been selected by her peers as one of the best lawyers in america in adr thank you very much very pleased and honored to be with you and to help media guru increase the social awareness of uh mediation as an available option to resolve disputes both in india and around the world and uh thank you also to all of you who are joining us today to lloyd students and mediators and psychology [Music] and a lot of people are really wondering why psychology behind mediation for those of you who are either mediators or advocates represented clients in mediation what is this what i call the river so there are three aspects to resolving the conflict through radiation position process and psychology so the position is what you think about when you're you're in a conflict in a court case in a litigation case it might be a financial domain about 100 000 um um in a divorce situation it might be you know i want um i want the house and i want the retirement you know well i want the kids full-time so those are people's positions right so what i've come to know is three different aspects um to keep in mind in the training resolution position process and psychology and uh when i talk about process i'll talk about that a little bit more as we're going but the important thing about the process is it influences how you feel okay so that if you are an individual or a party that's participating in mediation if you feel that the process was fair if you feel that you were her you are more likely to be willing to reach a resolution and to agree to something that is different and maybe not as good as what you had planned on before because you felt that the process was fair and the role of the mediator is essential to that so we're going to be confirming that we're also going to be talking okay the other aspect of the resolution triangle the bottom of the triangle you'll notice psychology and that's really what we're going to be talking about today the psychology of mediation what influences psychology what makes people feel better about it and what you can do to help with those psychological issues some of you might recognize that fellow on the left-hand side of the screen that's sigmund freud okay um right okay we're gonna i think me as i mentioned a moment a separate session right so we'll be together we would talk about the process and um ground rules or ground requests as i call them allowing one person to speak at the time and being respectful and um a few other things that i generally cover uh and some oklahoma remarks and mediation just set a stage for so some of these things will come out in a joint session as well um so it depends on the kind of mediation that you're doing maybe your work is going to be mostly joint session work or separate session work and then they come back together but regardless of the content and the substance and the type of mediation that you're doing regardless of whether you're in a joint session or separate session these are the driving force of desires that repeatedly show themselves the first and the most fundamental lead that anybody has in any conflict situation is the need to be her okay the need to be heard so that is one of the most essential roles that a mediator can fulfill is to ensure again whether it's a joint session or separate session that the person is feeling her the second and most important thing that people often need is the need for acknowledgement right and acknowledgement comes in two forms the need to uh have acknowledgement that um and an acknowledgement that they have been that they've been wrong they feel like they've been wrong in some way and uh that it's legitimate for them to feel that way and acknowledging if the other person has caused them some harm they really need to to make sure that that is spoken and that's really the way that you acknowledge uh how somebody is feeling is basically the concept is called affect labeling which is a fancy way of simply saying speaking what it is that they're feeling i can see that you're really upset i see that you're really angry these are things that we see as mediators we recognize this and yet we we don't state the obvious and it's very important to be able to do that because we have a fundamental need for apology as many of you know who are practitioners the need for apology is key it is uh essential to the resolution of conflict and so if they've only said they were sorry i never would have filed this lawsuit if they'd only tried to make it right i never would have gone down this path so sometimes it's immediately a genuine apology better okay the need for fairness sometimes people they just want to get even right they just they want the other side to hurt as much as they do interesting thing about the desire for revenge what the research shows is that we are we get more pleasurable feelings from the anticipation of revenge than we do when we actually extract revenge [Music] a lot of times for example in my world employment disputes uh people get fired and they don't know why why was i fired what did i do that was so bad what happened uh or simply to know what is the other what's behind the other side's position why are they taking the position that they're taking i just want to know why sometimes you know be careful what you ask for because you might get it and it turns out maybe we didn't want to know but they [Music] um but the desire for justice is also really important and sometimes uh mediation may not be the way to go for someone because really what they need is vindication or validation through reported law um as many of you know 97 or so cases will ultimately resolve short of trial uh but if what they need is a public vindication or public validation again they may lose they may not get what they're looking for but that is a very strong driving force behind what a lot of people are may want dignity is critical the need for dignity and showing respect and mediation is a way to some times try to walked out of the building that's humiliating and so it's really important to be able to take steps to try to restore dignity sometimes the driving force of desires what really angers people when they come to mediation the litigation in court might have gone on for years or the circumstances leading up to the situation might have gone on for years and they're just so ready to be done and what really mattered to them way back when is sometimes people just want a realistic result no i'm not going to pay you a million dollars that's not realistic i wouldn't even lose that in court that's not realistic people don't want to pay something that they don't think is realistic and oftentimes the last thing that people really want in mediation is to get or to do better than what was expected of them going into the mediation so that they can look good to the group that they're representing when they're done okay i'm gonna actually uh skip a slide and i'll come back to this one in a moment because i want to talk to you about expectations and the importance of expectations the greatest source of anger and frustration is unmet psychological point so the greatest source of anger and frustration is unmet expectations you know how can you help influence the way they feel psychologically about the outcome uh the goal is realistic expectations so as advocates uh who are working with your clients to help prepare them for mediation you want to talk to them about what might be realistic expectations going in okay now of course what one side uses realistic isn't necessarily going to be the same as what another side views as realistic so let's go back to um sources of expectations for plaintiffs for people who are bringing lawsuits that source could be councils analysis analysis it could be the internet right people go online nobody expects that to go down when you get into the mediation for defendants for people who gets get sued where are their expectations coming from there are lawyers analysis um they might have if they're a big company they may have a past and so that will inform them if there's jury verdict research on certain claims you can access that on the internet that will interfere with people maybe you met some new people and you had a great time and you left when uh were sitting down in the beginning of the mediation right it's all perfectly legitimate it just wraps up into each person's perspective that they bring to the table and so while you come here today knowing where you're coming from and maybe you think you have an idea where the other person is coming from typically what happens in mediation is that there's some new information that wasn't known before and while we don't necessarily that comes with resolution so because i find that out come to be realistic it's reachable and that's my goal for you and for the process today and when i share that with people they tend to nod their heads and and agree even though i'm not asking them to agree that that seems to make sense as an outcome so that later on in the process a few hours into it when one side says you know i can live with that and you know you know all right um let's not talk about an aspect of you know 100 000 to 10 000 90 000 20 000 70 000 25 000. your positions and your whys and the reasons behind it and working for half a day or a day to try to reach a resolution when you get there it feels good okay because you were able to not only explore the substantive when you work with a mediator if the mediator is a neutral party as experienced and is respected then you will not have an automatic devaluation to whatever the mediator might convey to you in terms of information or guidance or suggestion that is one of the reasons why the process of mediation works okay a trust a relationship develops with the mediator and a rapport is built and the mediator also can help you reset your expectations uh once the trust and report is established uh if necessary can share some information with you whether it's coming from the other side or the mediator's experience and can help people feel better about the process okay a few more process points okay we talked a little bit about the norm of reciprocity okay the given the take and why it works demands if someone just makes the demand and there isn't a given take for example let's say they made a demand for for either full custody of the kids or they want the house or they want their retirement they want their job back or they want a certain amount of money they want somebody fired if they make a demand and they go to mediation and they don't move from that position how likely is there to be a resolution pretty much zero because there's no reciprocity there's no give and take okay so um the norm of reciprocity is essential to do conflict is painful right okay so you come into the room and if it's your first time in the mediation setting you're feeling anxious you're just nervous right you're anxious okay hopefully the mediator makes some comments and some opening remarks that help to take your anxiety level down a little bit i talk about some of those tips in the book your anger's bubbling up the validation of their feelings not necessarily their position right you need to be heard you need to have your concerns and feelings acknowledged and then the legitimacy of those feelings needs to be validated before you can get on to problem solving so it's the mediator's job to deal with uh the party's uh feelings and emotions through those first three stages they're anxious they're angry their adrenals going once then you start the information sharing process hopefully what happens is that new awareness comes into being as people start saying well i didn't know that that's news to me well that changes things and the statement that that changes things that changes my view is an acknowledgement okay so they're aware of new information and then they will hopefully get to an acknowledgement that that new information changes the way they're viewing things they re-analyze now we're into the fourth line we and okay maybe we can make an accommodation for that in terms of our demands or our responses or how we feel and then they get going in an active uh participation in the uh potential ways to resolve the conflict and ultimately reach an agreement so part of the role of the mediator right remember we go back to the first thing the resolution triangle the positions the process and the psychology so this ableist stages of these emotional psychological stages um it's part of the process so part of the mediator's role is to recognize what stage in the process are you at and if you have not been making enough progress then maybe you have to go back to an earlier stage and say well maybe this person's anger is still there and we haven't adequately addressed the anger let's go back to that so we can work on that and decrease that um so that we can get their adrenaline well down right when the cortisol is flooding through your brain when the adrenaline is rushing through your brain um the research on neuropsychology uh of um conflict and mediation shows that you cannot make rational reasoned decisions so that's why it's important as the mediator to be able to work with people to help their adrenaline level come to a lower level okay um as you are serving as a mediator it's important to remember very helpful words and uh word choice really does matter i think if you look closely at the sign on the screen you would think it should say warning trespassers will be prosecuted but that's not what it says take a closer look right word choice really does matter and all uh good mediators will learn that first of all it's much more important to ask questions than it is to tell you i wonder if uh you might consider uh other non-monetary options that could work in this situation right so your statements are either proceeded with a softer statement such as i'm imagining that if you choose this course of action it might have this impact on your life do you think yes no and it turns you turn it into questions are you open to this would you consider that um one suggestion or idea might be we could do this but on the other hand there might be another way to go and part of your role as a mediator is to help people consider options and your word choice is critical to this process right and so you can train yourself as a mediator or a therapist therapist therapists know this right you know to ask um open-ended questions and to help people try to consider on their own where it is they're coming from and wherever they want to go to with uh guidance and suggestions as opposed to directives in other words the mediator's role isn't to tell people what to do and this ties into the process guys and this ties into the psychology okay because we don't react well when people tell us what to do sometimes yes there might be moments in time where there's somebody that you really trust and respect that you really want to say please tell me what to do but that isn't the role of the mediator we don't tell people try to be facilitative we try to be evaluative and and once in a blue moon we may get to be directive but generally speaking the reason that we shy away from being directive and we resist so if people ask us questions it honors us right you honor somebody when you ask them a question and you give them a choice and people feel empowered when they get to make the decision which is one of the great things about mediation is it allows the participants to be able to make their own choices so think about words you can choose your own words and phrases but your words will help people get to a better place in their conflict okay the really the last thing that we want to talk about as part of this webinar today is what i call the great eight conflict currencies the concept of psychic income and the resolution ratio okay i call them conflict currencies um for those of you who have um read uh stephen covey's book the seven habits of highly effective people one of the things that he talks about is uh the trust bank account right if somebody harms you and you feel like you've been in between into the trust bank account so that one debit isn't going to ruin a relationship on the other hand if there haven't been any deposits made into that trust bank account uh it could totally destroy the relationship i completely agree uh with stephen covey's uh thinking i think in the concept of conflict though there are many more currencies than just trust money is one of them yes you know you've harmed me you fired me you've stolen my business you know or you're leaving me um and you know i don't have a source of income anymore money is critically important in terms of resolving conflict but money is not the only thing remember what i said earlier about sometimes people being willing to resolve conflict in a way that they might not have been willing to do if they feel that the process was fair well how they feel will also be influenced by these other conflict currencies first of all people have confidence because they've lost trust and they want to have trust re-established they feel that they've been disrespected and they need to have a sonic respect they don't feel appreciated perhaps the work they've done wasn't appreciated their long years of service that they've given to the company wasn't appreciated the fact that they were a great wife and mother or father for many years wasn't appreciated the fact that they built up the business on their own or how much they've devoted and i'm sorry um communication is a key conflict currency sometimes when you peel the layers of the onion back uh what you often find is that um it stems back to a problem with communication you know what you never told me that this was the reason or you know you you communicated this issue to you went public with it you know you sent an email at four in the morning to you know 12 people they didn't need to know he breached my privacy so you didn't tell me what i needed to know you overshared with everyone you were too public you were too private um some aspect of communication can be really important fear is also a really important conflict currency okay um i'm afraid i'm afraid of losing my job uh i'm afraid of not being able to support myself i'm afraid that my reputation is going to get ruined and i will never be able to get another job i'm afraid for my children i'm afraid for my business fear is an important conflict currency is a very important part to influence how they feel psychologically uh hello yourself i think somebody else has muted her um however like i don't think she needed um okay can you hear me okay um so the last thing to cover with these folks is that the in terms of the currencies it often takes what i call the resolution ratio of three to one it takes three times as many credits to offset one major debit for the psychic income needed for resolution um if you think about it let me give you a simple example um that proves this point let's say you go to dinner to a restaurant and you spend a lot of money let's say you order um uh something very like a steak or something very expensive and you're having dinner with a bunch of people this is pre-coded when you all went out for dinner right okay and uh they bring your food and they have cooked your food incorrectly okay and so you complain and they say oh i'm so sorry i'll fix it right away meanwhile what's happening while you are waiting all of your friends are if they're like they're waiting too and you're saying no no go ahead and eat no no we'll wait for you no pete please okay so either they eat and you feel awkward or they don't eat anyway and you might be a little frustrated with that restaurant if they ultimately bring your food and everyone else is done eating it's not really a good situation but if they apologize and they say you know we took it off of your bill and also we'd like to give you a free dessert we're so sorry okay you know what instead of thinking this is a terrible place i'm never coming back here again you're thinking oh my gosh they were so nice i mean they i can't believe they took it up the bill they brought a free dessert for everyone they said they were sorry this is a great place and so i would definitely come back here again right and that's a simple example a minor example [Music] uh [Music] whoa [Music] when you are thinking about ways to help people resolve conflict think of three to one don't just think money it's not how much money do you want how much money can i pay it's what else can we do can we say we're sorry can we go public with something can we make a donation can we change their termination to a resignation right what can we do non-monetarily to help provide psychic income to help heal the harm that's been caught so i think um that that is it for the presentation and um should we see if anybody has any questions okay hello an interesting question and to all it would be extremely helpful if everyone doesn't share their personal information uh in the chatbot as well as sharing the screen during the session so now you should go to the interactive session of question and answer so our first question is uh what are the rules of perception assertiveness attitude mindset of mediator while facilitating mediation the role of the mediator in terms of assertiveness and the mediator's attitude is essential to always be aware of the process to be facilitated to be evaluated if asked but not too soon not ever too soon right because again if you start telling people what to do you're going to meet with the resistance but to remember that you as the mediator are the shepherd of the process okay so remember that individuals want to have a when they choice a choice to be mindful of their resolution triangle position across the psychology and the stages that people are working through as you're building a rapport and shepherding them through the process that's great so uh i will move on to the second question which is how to identify a conflict and resolve it at the same time when an individual don't want to remember it again for the healing purpose and also as it gives pain to her well that's a that's a great question um i think it's it's you know people who come to mediation are in conflict and they have pain right okay so to identify the con that the conflict and the source of the pain is really a key question and there is a key question that i like to ask for this which is this what is it about for you what is this about for you i like that question because it's an open-ended question and it allows people to go where they want to go in an answer and it can help you as a mediator help them explore what is the root of the conflict the second part of the question that you asked is um how to how when it's painful how it goes to acknowledging the pain okay so what happens when we are in a conversation with someone when we're talking in a conflict conversation you know their pain you know that they're hurting um you can see it you can feel it and what we tend to do most of us is we tend to back off we see it but we just kind of want to go past it we know that they're hurting and we just try to jump into solutions right that's not the way to get healing to occur the way we get healing to occur and all psychologists and therapists know this is to take a pause take a stop and say i can see that this is really painful for you right i can i understand that this is frustrating and let's talk about it and you need to go there right you go there you kind of take this sort of i guess i would call it a zen approach right you go there and jump into the pain just go there stay with the pain for a while mediation is not psychotherapy um yeah i just okay i got something on my screen here that said somebody else was presenting so i'm gonna make sure it's okay and speaking that pain demonstrates that we're listening demonstrates that the person's been heard and understood and acknowledging and validating the legitimacy of how they feel is really essential to help them move through that pain okay that's that's quite interesting uh and then the third question what i would like to ask you is once mediation sales are the parties uh appeal to the course that is mitigation the the judge might order parties to go to mediation but generally speaking mediation is voluntary and you can do it at any time so even if you mediate and immediate mediation fails you can later okay um i would also like to ask you a question that um is it possible to successfully mediate a human rights issue yes um sometimes there's overlap um there's um uh for example i immediately a class action case that was dealing with discrimination against people with uh based on the national origin and there were some human trafficking issues involved in that case so um yes you can i think that that would really anything that people are willing to sit down and voluntarily discuss you know one of the things i i didn't mention earlier on is that half of the mediations that i do are legal in nature mediating legal clinics individual or groups or class actions and the other half are um individual conflict or group conflict in the workplace um and so uh you and recently here in the united states the governor of one state was ordered to sit down and mediate with the mayor of the state over wearing masks right they had conflict over wearing masks so really anything can be mediated anything that people are willing to sign and discuss can be mediated okay um my next question is what should we do if we eventually uh disagree with the client before solution so is that question coming from the standpoint of a lawyer or a mediator or both i i feel both because um if we you know disagree with the client's core solution what would we do you know well if you're the lawyer and you're disagreeing with your client is is suggesting you can certainly talk to your client to say you know um why are you doing this i don't think that's the best course of action for you but as the mediator if you disagree it's not your place to disagree really we are not dead we are not here to direct we are not there to tell and so it's the client's right to make those determinations and we have to strive to withhold judgment we could say well i'm not sure if the other side is is going to be receptive to that but we can certainly try um well i'm not sure how realistic that is but we can definitely try um you know withhold your judgment if you're a mediator okay that's that's mine okay so um now the questions have come to an end and i do hope that i'm saying we had a great time asking them and it wouldn't be intimidating so as all the things come to an end so have this session i would like to thank miss amy for such an enlightening and informative session i would also like to thank all the professionals from different parts of the globe who joined us today and made this event a huge success also currently note that the certificate will be provided only after your completion of the feedback form provided on the chatbot the same will be available only for 15 minutes okay and um can you still hear me yes we can okay i see that there were lots of chats that came up with other questions that um we didn't have time to get to today but um yes my content you could you could answer if you found any interesting question over there um i did i do remember one question that i saw where somebody said um what do you do when you try and try and try and try and absolutely can't get anywhere from the mediation um you know one thing that you can do is reschedule for a later point in time um and one or another approach that you can take is what i call the paradoxical intervention which is to say well you guys certainly don't need to resolve we don't have to keep working on this we can just stop which sometimes might motivate people to come back and come up with some more creative ideas um so at any rate if there's other questions that you would like to have answered or have a discussion you can feel free to reach out to me through either linkedin or through my email which i think was provided with the presentation um which is amy insight mediation.com and i'd be happy to connect with you so thank you all thank you miss e and stay safe everyone and have a great day bye bye you gonna