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hello week 2 of read through is complete and I don't know how I feel yet so earlier today I went out to grab lunch with another student here I think she's my community advisor we went out and it's a local restaurant I guess you could call it like it's not a chain so it's not like they have their calorie numbers listed out or anything like that so it was terrifying honestly I don't know how I feel about treatment part of me wishes that I never started there's a part of me that feels like I'm making a terrible mistake and that things were not great the way that they were before but it worked so why change something that worked and I know that friend told me that they were going through the same exact situation same exact things that I'm going through right now I would tell them that they're not really living life and that they're just barely surviving a lifestyle that's unsustainable like I will fight people over intermittent fasting and telling them that it's absolute garbage but I do this to myself and that seems perfectly rational to restricted purged for myself but it's not acceptable for me for anyone to follow a fad diet for a few weeks like I mean I was I still stand doing my claims on in our minute passing but I'd realized that there is a double standard that I'm putting myself to and like I realized for quite a bit that there was one and people have pointed it out and they would I put that like they would rhetorically ask me why is it okay for you to do something but not someone else and literally the only answer I could think of was because it's me like what's fundamentally different about me or anyone to the point that they deserve to have such a rough relationship with food like I conquered a massive fear food yesterday um I can't thought about these videos as fast as I thought I would be able to so I'm gonna upload them a week after I record so the updates will be a little lagged behind but this is more so of a video journal for others to refer to they were thinking about doing a similar program for doing Renfrew and also for myself to kind of remind myself what treatment is like because something that has been going on in my head over and over is I'm good to go above and beyond my bill plans get out fast as fast as possible break the record if that even allowed and then go right back to where I started and I realize that that's a kind of thing that there's a term for it I'm like people have been noticing that my mind hasn't been present I would just very easily be drifting off in class in my classes and they love my classes and...