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[Music] hi my name is tais gibson and i'm the co-owner and creator of the personal development school this is your daily breakthrough video and in this video i want to talk a little bit about how the secure person apologizes for a situation and really a little bit about the importance of apologizing in relationships and what i'm going to go through and do is do a little bit of a series here around the importance of apologizing and sort of some of the different things so for example a fearful avoidant apologizing for maybe some other volatility and being able to express themselves as to why and i'm going to go through here and do basically different script models for people so what you'll see is and we have a full course on this inside of the school with over 50 different scripts um one of the biggest things i find as a person in like all the work i've done with couples over the years and all the work i've done with individuals one-on-one is that like we have a very poor models for communication and so what i've done is created a course that's very in-depth about like actual scripts that you can pull from and it's all typed out in a workbook and it's like you can use this script and you can pick it and choose like which parts of it um really resonate with you and you can expand it into something longer if it's a long-form conversation or you can make it into something smaller if it's something over a text message but i've gone through and created scripts for different very important situations so for example when the fearful avoidance is volatile when the dismissal wants to communicate their needs for space but not do it in a way that threatens or hurts the other person they're in a relationship with and i'm just going to start by giving you like a model of a script in this video specifically about how a secure person would apologize for something and the really key important parts to hit on this okay so if you're interested in buying this course and jumping into the school um we are doing a sale it's the coupon code is with you for 25 off membership bundles it's like the all access pass so you get access to all of the courses and all of the webinars and all the ongoing webinars that i do live every week which is for a week the coupon code is with you it's all one word and i'll put a link in the description box below and in this video so let's talk about apologizing for a moment one of the most important things we can do or know how to do in a relationship is apologize and be accountable for our part no this isn't to say we're supposed to be the only person accountable for our part or anything like that i've seen different people sometimes in videos that i've created um make comments like but then the other person should apologize or like why am i the one doing all the work or things like this and i just want you guys to know that's not the intention i think really like the intention of this channel is for us to see ourselves and for us to be able to learn about anything that we can be accountable for and grow from and grow through and it's through that healing process and through that deep self-awareness process and the reprogramming of the subconscious mind that we really get clear and empowered in our relationships we know okay you know if i'm showing up and doing the work and then i'm with somebody for example who never apologizes and takes accountability for their part you know i don't have to tell you to leave that relationship i don't have to convince you you'll know like this isn't okay this this doesn't feel good for me and because i know myself and because i'm doing healing work and because as a result of that healing work and reprogramming work i've really become clear about what i desire and what my needs are and i've really increased my self-worth then as a byproduct of all that if something's not working you'll feel empowered and clear about leaving a relationship that's not serving so of course like this isn't a video saying you should be the only one apologizing or anything like this but this video is about owning your part about the key points to apologizing why it serves and obviously you want to make sure you're in a relationship where both people are willing to do this so before i dive into this too i want you guys to know everybody makes mistakes in relationships like myself even i've been in a very long-term relationship i've done a tremendous amount of healing work on myself and like you know there's gonna be times when i make mistakes when everybody makes mistakes on the process of learning and healing and growing and it's not gonna be like smooth sailing forever and i think that's sometimes one of the beautiful parts of a relationship because relationships in my opinion are always showing us to ourselves you know if there's something that goes wrong or something we jump to conclusions about or something we get triggered by beautiful this is showing me to myself so i can recognize what still needs love what still needs healing and so much of how relationships work in terms of actually achieving and getting to that bliss phase of a relationship where things are still not perfect you know they won't be forever perfect in the bliss phase um but they are way more smooth but part of getting to that point in that stage of a relationship is being able to really share your whole internal reality with another person and that's really from the perspective of like what your fears are what your wounds are what your triggers are and this is what secure people do in relationships they show up for those things and they hold space for somebody else on the other side of that so when we look at like a secure person apologizing relationship we want to know that this is one of the most important things we can do and i think sometimes people especially who have more of an insecure attachment style um can fear apologizing because they can feel like it's making them wrong it's like the admission of wrongdoing and sometimes people on in their internal reality that trick or some scary stuff for them so it triggers feelings of like well if i'm wrong then i must be bad i must be unworthy i must be not lovable i must be you know not good enough in some way or i'm gonna get rejected if i'm wrong and so sometimes people can really cling to this concept or idea of righteousness or being right actually not so much because they're trying to hurt somebody else or make somebody else wrong but because sometimes the subconscious associations programmed in in that person's internal reality um with what it means to be wrong can be really scary for that person to want to experience so you know first and foremost if you find yourself and this is common if you find yourself having a lot of aversion to apologizing one of the coolest things to do first is be able just to look like look at what do i make it mean if i'm wrong do i make it mean i'm not worthy of love do i make it mean that i'm a bad person do i make it mean that i'm shameful or defective and something is wrong with me what do i make it mean because that's probably the thing that's preventing you and creating sort of a block or a wall and these are really necessary things to be able to break through and reprogram and question and change the story around repetitively so it imprints the subconscious mind and the reason that you want to do this is because through releasing this and through showing up and being vulnerable and showing that you're a human and you make mistakes sometimes and sharing that with other people what you get as a byproduct of that is human connection not robot connection not righteousness and and wrongness connection and connecting through all these walls you go you actually bond in the human experience right you actually are like hey i have faults i'm a human being this is what was wrong with you know in my experiences what happened i'm so sorry that i hurt you i see you like and it's actually a beautiful bonding opportunity and what i often say to people like when we go from like dating and honeymoon phase into the the proceeding phases of a relationship the power struggle and we make it through and we get into stability and commitment and bliss the necessary ingredients required to smoothly flow through the life cycle of a relationship are vulnerability like that's one of the key and vulnerability and acceptance or two of the most important things we can bring in and that's what takes like an infatuation and attraction and chemistry and turns it into love and so if we don't know how to do this we're keeping the growth of our relationship stunted as well so here is just a script you can use in terms of apologizing and something you can do okay so you can start by saying when situation x happened okay fill in your blank um i can see how my behavior made you feel and fill in the blank and try to actually see and hear another person try to imagine what it felt like to be in their experience knowing what you know about them they're programming their wounds so like let's say for example you pulled away and shut off and maybe somebody you're dating somebody anxious preoccupied maybe you know they have abandonment wounds and maybe you can say you know i can see how you would feel abandoned or afraid that i was gonna leave um and then you can follow this up as sort of a script part by saying if i were in your position and that were you what i know about you i probably would have felt the same thing so it's completely understandable and i'm sorry that i made you feel that way and this is just like one example right there's so many different types of um apologies and ways to apologize but really the key points that you're trying to hit is i'm recognizing my behavior okay i'm not saying my behavior is the fault of all of your things i'm not saying i'm accountable for your feelings i'm just saying i recognize that i was probably a catalyst in those things that are already pre-existing inside of you being triggered and activated and brought to the surface and i'm not sitting here saying it's good that you feel abandoned it's good that you have that wound i'm not justifying anything else from somebody else's perspective but what i am doing is i'm seeing them i'm saying i can see how my behavior was a catalyst and i can see how what i know about you you felt x y and z and i know if i were in your position i probably would have felt the same things you are empathizing with that experience that somebody else is having we can apologize for like this much of fault in relationship when somebody else is this much and we can be accountable for our part and we can still see and hear and understand another person without going like you're um you know i'm your behavior is okay like for example you sometimes if somebody's angry maybe they yell or maybe they raise their voice or maybe they do something where like the behavior is not healthy but in order to properly resolve that experience what is necessary is for us to be able to recognize that for somebody to raise their voice there's probably a lot of hurt going on underneath there's probably some stuff happening and if we can see and hear and understand that we're addressing the root problems in relationships and it's not really until we're doing that work we're addressing the sponsoring intentions and emotions behind somebody's actions or behaviors that we're really creating a bonding experience and this isn't to say like do this if somebody's like verbally abusive or physically abusive absolutely not we set firm and absolute boundaries around people like that and stay away from situations so we can make sure that we're safe and empowered in our own lives but if somebody's doing something and you don't like it you want to address that root cause and you can follow that up by saying i see when you raised your voice like you must have been really hurt and maybe even afraid and i can see how if i were in your situation i would feel that way as well and i also want to let you know that that behavior is not ever acceptable for me so what can you do to work on that or work through that so we can still like validate the emotions bond with the person see here understand them in their experience but then also set a very firm boundary around what behavior is acceptable or not in a relationship and in fact when you emotionally connect to somebody in their pain and you see and hear them they are significantly significantly more willing to hear and understand your boundaries and cater to them a little bit to care for them to be like okay yeah i see that that raising my voice isn't acceptable so so these are sort of the key points it's like when situation next happened i can see how you felt okay um if i'm in your position i would feel the same way and then from your end you can follow that up if you want to further open the conversation and for and get yourself heard you can further that open that up by saying you know and even though that experience happened i want to let you know that when you did that thing when you became you know louder or when you had that abandonment when triggered and you called me many many times or whatever it is you know i experienced x y and z i experienced feeling like i needed space for a moment and my boundaries were being violated when you kept calling and what i need next time is for you to just know that sometimes if i pull back um that i'm i'm just licking my wounds from it i just need time to emotionally process and if you can try to be mindful of that i can try to be mindful about at least communicating something to you like hey i'm not going anywhere i love you i just need a moment because i need to process and and you know i can be mindful of your wounds if you can be mindful of my wounds or i can be mindful of your needs if you can be mindful of my needs as well and so this is the the sort of dynamic we're trying to create in this um situation so i hope this makes sense i'm going to go through and do like a few other script videos for different like common situations again there's like inside the course i've modeled all these things out with objections um at least the top bunch and then they're all printed on a piece of paper um in like a big long-form workbook of like 18 pages or something um all about different scripts and and for different specific situations and scenarios and i just this is so important to practice and to understand and to be able to integrate so feel free to like go back through this video take notes anything like that just to get those key points and practice this form of communication it's what makes relationships harmonious and what it's what takes them to the bliss phase ultimately so i hope that makes sense and i hope this is helpful thank you so much for watching and i will see you in the next video