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[Music] hi my name is teddy skibson and i'm the co-owner and creator of the personal development school this is your daily breakthrough video and in this video i'm going to go through the anxious preoccupied attachment style individual and basically some core reasons that they might leave a relationship and what it would take to win them back or to save a relationship that you might already be in with this individual so a couple things i want to start by putting a disclaimer out here that essentially tells you i've received so many so many messages asking questions like this and something i sort of pride myself on as a human being is like operating from a space of integrity especially around relationships and what i think is so important is that we don't you know use psychological tips or tools to like manipulate people or reel them back in or anything like that because that ultimately just creates an unhealthy relationship dynamic long term anyways and if you show up and you use psychological tips and tools and dating coaches and pickup artists that are like here or what to do to to take the girl home or to get the guy to fall in love with you or these different things if those things aren't in alignment with yourself and they're not like in integrity to who you are as a person like if you're trying to be somebody or not to try to get somebody to fall for you long term you're going to be connecting to somebody through a mask of who you are instead of who you actually are and as we look at the science of the six stages of a relationship you can pretty much guarantee that your relationship is going to fail in the power struggle phase if you are not being who you are and showing up as the person that you are going into relationships themselves so it is an absolute necessity to be able to enter into your relationship dynamics from a space of being in integrity to yourself to your boundaries to your needs so what this video is going to focus on as a result of that is it's really going to hone in on like what you need as a human being in a relationship where you might have gone wrong with the anxious preoccupied attachment style some tips to break through those things into pivot communication so that it becomes more effective and to really make that person feel seen and heard and understood so that they're open to building an emotional bond with you and creating new strategies to make the relationship work and also making sure that you get seen heard and understood in this process okay so we're going to dive into all of that specifically with the anxious preoccupied individual before i do we are doing a sale to support our community during all of the uncertainty that's happening in the world the coupon code is with you and it gives you 25 off our all access membership pass so this gives you access to all the different courses we have on our platform including um overcoming and reprogramming loneliness at the subconscious level and tips to really break through it as a whole like just with external strategies a script all about communication and communication scripts of course a course all about communication and communication scripts that take you through all these different dynamics that often come up in relationships like needing to express a need express a boundary to a dismissive to a fearful um so many different dynamics we have 50 plus scripts in there for to just properly model communication for you in terms of like what's required what the steps are and specific things you can use and say to get her to get understood and to build connection so we've got those courses and we have courses on releasing resentment and creating actual forgiveness at the subconscious level setting boundaries ending people pleasing transforming codependency and enmeshment which are hugely painful challenges and relationships and all different courses about reprogramming your attachment style understanding the principles of your subconscious mind and reprogramming what's not serving developing a life vision and a plan for your life and actually being able to reverse engineer those steps by understanding your needs we've got an in-depth need in-depth needs course about your needs at a subconscious level and so many so many more other um so we've got 30 courses in there two new ones every single month that we release as well as over 100 previously recorded webinars that we are consistently doing four more live a week with our members inside the school so um coupon code with you all one word in the description box below and on a on a card on this video so let's talk about this okay you're trying to save a relationship with an anxious preoccupied individual or you're like coming to the end of a relationship with an anxious preoccupied individual um or even maybe you're you've gone through a breakup and you're trying to recover the relationship so first what you need to know is that you have to get really clear on what wasn't working for you why were you pushing somebody away or why were you pulling too close like what was not working and convert that into a need we have to be able to express in the positive form for everybody all attachment styles we don't want to be going you don't clean enough we want to be able to say hey i would really appreciate if you could clean more i would feel really supported if you took a turn that looks like you doing the dishes once a week or twice a week right that looks like and so we want to be able to say what's not working but convert it into what we need instead and follow that up by expressing specifically what that looks like because a lot of miscommunication happens between step two and three a lot of people are like oh i need you to clean more and the person you know cleans their area of the bedroom and the other person's like what do you i wanted you to clean up the garage like we need to get really really clear i need i need support and one person cooks breakfast more often the other person really wanted words of affirmation and that's what support was for them so we can go really awry there if we're not aware of those dynamics okay so very important you want to start with your boundaries and what wasn't working and how you would effectively communicate it and you want to start with a deadline how long will i pursue this relationship before i realize it's not really fair to me um that i'm putting on all this work and the person's not responding or reciprocating set that deadline ahead of time so if you reach that point and the needle hasn't moved you know very clearly and congruently it's time to walk away and and you can do so regret free because you know you showed up in a way that you can be proud of you know you were clear you did the work and if anything you'll just grow from the whole experience so those are really important sort of points ahead of time once you've established that and become clear about that the biggest reasons that an anxious preoccupied individual leaves a relationship in the first place is because they feel unwanted they feel insecure they feel rejected not good enough um unseen or unheard they feel like they feel like they've been coaxed a lot of the time by friends or family to leave a relationship and as long as their emotional needs and their needs for intimacy and closeness are being completely unmet for long periods of time that's the space from which they'll leave a relationship but usually they won't actually do that unless they have some kind of emotional safety net on the other side so either lots of friends and family being like come get out of the relationship we're here to support you or maybe a different romantic interest somewhere else that they think they might pursue or you know something along those lines and the reason for this is that the brain is more wired to avoid pain than to seek pleasure and so often what happens is there's so much fear and pain stored for the anxious preoccupied individual around a breakup and over loss of connection and abandonment and being alone that it's usually not until there's a huge huge pain point in the relationship where it's so painful to stay and it feels so pointless or hopeless that they'll leave or they might leave you know what would actually be on time like at a time where it's just not working if they have that emotional safety on the other side so these are the things you're going to address like if you're here to do the work to save this relationship you want to be able to show up for those specific things you want to be able to get clear okay um i recognize you want to be able to put yourself into the other person's shoes and validate their experience and where they're coming from hey i recognize you were feeling not wanted you were feeling not seen not understood not connected to you were feeling not good enough or rejected by me often and you want to get really clear as to like which ones those are for your person that you're trying to do this work with and you want to create some strategies to fix that and you have to be able to actually show up for these strategies if this is just a tactic where you're just going to say these things to get the person back and then go back to how things were it's not going to serve you at all it's just going to long term you're going to put all this energy into fixing it only for it to fall apart again only for you guys to both be unhappy the entire time and essentially you're just wasting your time so make sure that if you're going to work on this you actually do the work it's very important so get clear about these things come up with strategies and then open this dialogue and if you open this dialogue and you validate this person's experience what they were feeling what fears came up for them what core wounds were activated or triggered and then strategies to overcome these things and say hey i'm willing and available to do the work and then if you follow that up by saying hey this is what i experienced from my end as my unmet needs are you open to working with with me on this usually if you've really truly made this person feel seen heard understood cared for loved and that you're willing to do the work and that you have strategies and you're really showing up in your actions oftentimes the anxious preoccupied will be willing to do the work with you now the time frame through which this applies is really at any point while you're on the rocks or really soon after a few weeks after the anxious preoccupied starts to like you know get to a point where they're going okay this is really over they usually reach a bit of a point of acceptance and start to turn a corner which makes it more challenging to rekindle a relationship um than it would be in the very early stages when a breakup is fresh or a break is fresh or when two people are just in a rocky place in a relationship so this these are the time frames you want to abide by these are the tools you want to use and then you want to make sure that you are showing up and again communicating your boundaries and your needs as well because if this becomes one-sided it there's just going to be more friction and subconscious resentment leading to further toxicity and conflict long-term so make sure you do the work from both ends and it's also a beautiful time to really share your fears your wounds your concerns and to really practice being more vulnerable as part of a dynamic to really save this relationship so i hope this all makes sense thank you so much for being here thank you for watching please like share and subscribe if you're getting value out of this channel and i will see you in the next video