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well hello everybody I am happy to be back here for the second installment of our livestream series that we are doing here today and as you are joining me if you want to just type your name and where you're coming from the chat box there will give you a little shout out here on the call so today's today's topic is a big one and I think that there's gonna be a lot of folks interested in diving a little bit more in depth we're gonna be talking about how can you how can you discern what is our compatibility our true genuine compatibility how much of what I am experiencing in this relationship is really just about my attachment system and is this truly an incurable incompatibility in this relationship right so all together I'm calling this video segment incurably in compatible relationships and how to know for sure so before we dive in I also just want to draw your attention to the caption of this video there will be a link there to an assessment that I've been working on and playing with about how to determine if what is in operation for you is primarily an attachment need versus versus a real compatibility issue between you and your partner and we've so far we've had about a hundred people respond to it and have expressed that it's been useful for them so if that's something that is useful for you after watching this video you can check it out and again that's a there's a link to that in the caption of this video so this is really a segment for you if you're someone who has wondered about needs and values and how do my needs and my values generate conflict in my relationship and what if any role does does that play in our compatibility determining what our level of compatibility might be and you might also have wondered well how do attachment Styles play into all of that so if that is something that you're interested in today we're going to be talking about that and specifically hitting on such topics as how mismatched needs and values are not necessarily deal-breakers on their own but when you add in attachment fears now you've got some damaging defensive communication going on and that creates its own kind of mess okay we're also going to talk about how to express your needs from a more securely attached position and I'm gonna use a can a common example to illustrate that we're gonna talk about how to how emotional honesty is really the only way to expose whether there really is an attachment insecurity going on or it is just incurably incompatible and also how do you think about the decision do I stay or do I go and how do you identify what is a real desire or need versus something that's just about defensive posturing and coping mechanisms for fear okay so again this live stream is in promotion of my live group coaching series coming up the first week in May if five days to ignite your love light I'm going to tell you more about that at the end but if that's something you're interested there will also be information about that in the caption of the video as well so I just want to give a shout out to those we've got Damian hello Priya Damian welcome thank you and if you're just joining me feel free to type your name and where you're coming from in the chat box there I'd love to give you a little shout out here on the call and I will be asking for some feedback as we go through our discussion here together so where I want to start out is looking at how do mismatched needs and values plus attachment fear equal defensive communication right so in every conflict in a relationship usually within every conflict there is going to exist some barometer for what how your values are being let's say rubbed up against right what what friction is going on so mismatched needs and values alone do not always equal a painful incompatibility but if you add attachment fear into the mix it's almost always going to lead to a conflict that makes you think that you are incompatible so for example I'm going to use a very basic example here having an argument over socks on the floor maybe that's not that big of a deal to Jack I'm gonna use a heteronormative example maybe it's not that big of a deal to Jack but to any it represents how she's unacknowledged or undervalued or underappreciated in the relationship because she has said several times how much it bothers her but Jack thinks well you know it's just a tip it's a tip over something insignificant we'll get over it meanwhile annie starts thinking this is yet another example of how I am mistreated in this relationship and Jack just doesn't care about my feelings at all and so the negotiation of how they approach resolving what I'm gonna call a big little fight like this can potentially shift the trajectory of the entire relationship so let's say that annie raises this issue with Jack in a very adversarial way offensive way she accuses him of being careless and thoughtless and not carrying about her feelings because the Sox are there yet again on the floor and so in that moment and it's communicating from more of a fear-based place and it comes across as criticizing because in her subconscious mind his lack of care is a threat to their relationship and anger is a feeling that we more consciously jump to when we feel threatened and I would also have you note here that in that moment annie is identifying that picking socks up off the floor is an unmet need she think that she thinks that is a need that she has she thinks that's one of her values okay she thinks that I'm gonna come back to that in just a moment now let's assume Annie comes at Jack in that way how do you think he's gonna respond to that right if someone says to you you come home you've had a long day at work you take you socks off put your feet up and now your partner comes at you telling you that your thoughtless you're careless you don't care about them and you know you're being such a jerk how do you think Jack's gonna respond to that way of approaching him and I'd invite you to type that there in the chat box oh so I can make sure that you're all paying attention we have semi-precious welcome we have a net we have Jeana we have Bill from Honolulu great and I'm from from Vancouver Gina from Kentucky expect abundance hello we have Kim Gina says Jack might see her as an egg yeah yeah right and so he might respond as right not so well I'd go for a walk he'd feel attacked right so he is now on the defense so so now he'll respond defensively and he might assume then right criticized he might assume them that she is negating all the ways in which he does care for her all the ways in which he does show his affection for her and so now he starts to think this isn't worth it because now he feels like she's mistreating him and undervaluing him and not acknowledging all the things that he contributes to the relationship and so if he assumes that position he's also gonna be very likely to not want to pick up the socks off the floor because then he's gonna perceive her as trying to control or emasculate him over something that he thinks is pretty insignificant and that to him is gonna feel disrespectful and unloving and who needs that right so now Jack thinks that he needs to disconnect and take space from Annie and he feels like she doesn't value what he gives her and we're gonna come back to that right so now Jack thinks he needs space now he thinks space is a need that he has okay we're gonna come back to that now if you've been watching me for a while or you're familiar with attachment styles you might think already this sounds like the anxious avoidant trap that's what's coming but I but the point I want to make here today is not necessarily okay so what if I told you that both Annie and Jack are actually two very secure people but and they are perfectly compatible in every other way they just have very different needs and or values and haven't learned how to communicate them properly so how then would you be able to tell the difference between a secure couple that doesn't know how to communicate very well versus an insecure couple well you can tell the difference if you clean up the communication and those fear-based conflicts remain so for example let's say that instead of coming at Jack in a critical way let's say that Annie approached him with something like this okay Jack and I highly recommend if you're trying to communicate to a partner that you're expressing something that's important to you that you start by saying their name so that they so that you get their attention they're not distracted and then that you also let them know the thing I'm gonna express to you is important to me so Jack I have something important I want to talk to you about and you know I appreciate that you work all day for me and the kids and I know you just want to kick off your shoes and relax when you come home but I'm noticing that socks on the floor is a recurring thing and while I assume it's not intended to make me angry I do feel unappreciated and unhurt unheard when I see them lying there and it might seem small to you but taking care of a little thing like that would be a big gesture of love and consideration for me and I'm wondering if together we can come up with a solution or how to keep that organized and or if you might have some ideas on how to help me with that now I realize that you know the way I've articulated it sounds very organized it sounds very calm it sounds you know very thought-out and formal you are gonna say you aren't I don't you will you won't but I'm giving this as a suggestion you might say something like this or try something like this of course in your own vernacular but what I want to demonstrate for you here is that you're coming at it from a state of appreciation you're coming at it from a place of being open to making it a co-creative solution you're coming at it from the position that you're not assuming that that they are trying to be inconsiderate that they don't you're not assuming that they don't value you but you're opening it up to have the conversation and you are expressing how you are feeling which may be undervalued even if that's not their intention so you're also being curious right and it feels very different than the first statement that we suggested Annie might have made and so I would ask you and you can type that in the chat box there as well how do you think Jack might respond - that kind of statement right now this is where we can tell if the person is secure or insecure okay because a more secure response when someone approaches you like that in an open way right in a more emotionally honest way in a way that's less criticizing or accusatory but rather observant and expressive if they respond to you that they can respond to you in one of two ways and that's usually going to tell you if it's an attachment issue or a communication issue so a more secure person let's say jack is a more secure person and he might respond by saying oh wow I didn't realize that it was that important to you how long have you been holding on to that you're right I don't think it's that big of a deal but now I know it's that important to you and I'm sure we can figure something out maybe we can put a laundry basket next to the bottom of the stairs or I can just stuff them in my shoes and take them upstairs after dinner would that be better now let's just for the sake of argument assume that Annie agrees with one of these solutions and now Jack feels kind of amused and how easy it was to please her over something so small and so perhaps he decides to flirt with her Wow it's just that easy huh is there any other way I might be able to make you feel appreciated tonight right and it becomes a playful kind of banter between them now ultimately Annie didn't really need Jack to pick socks up off the floor what she needed was him to be willing to engage in a conversation with her about how she might start to feel more loved and appreciated and so what she's actually valuing is his willingness to engage in that kind of dialogue and his ability to find and/or co-create solutions because that makes her feel loved and supported and a part of the relationship and so if he can respond in that way Jack doesn't really need to take more space from Annie he just needed to feel appreciated himself and to be given an opportunity to problem-solve and contribute to the solution and so he values her receptivity her ability to be honest with him about how she's feeling and that makes him feel trusted and respected so this is a secure example okay now this could go a very different way right this could go a very different way if he's insecure so for individuals with insecure attachment it doesn't matter how she approaches it right so for individuals with secure attachment they're able to kind of navigate these gray areas of emotional influence without abandoning themselves entirely without succumbing to fears of control or rejection he and from a secure position he approached it from a place of generosity and amusement even and then he started to flirt with her right now let that each partner approaches this point of contrast or let's say conflict between them with an attitude of appreciation and generosity that's very different than approaching it from a position of tit-for-tat right so for those of us that have very rarely had a secure conversation this might sound like a fantasy this might sound like something that doesn't happen but I assure you there are research studies that say that about 50% of the population knows how to relate to each other in this way particularly research from the Gottman Institute and you know John Gottman done has done at least four years worth of research on real couples long-term couples now if on the other hand let's go back to this if on the other hand jack is insecure it's likely that he's still gonna respond defensively to Annies emotional honesty and he will probably respond in one of what I would say four ways so he might overreact and accuse her of trying to make everything about her he could still feel criticized and claim that she's trying to be emotionally manipulative and or controlling he could passively aggressively go along with everything whatever just tell me what you want and I'll do it and then not do it or he might just walk out stone wall or otherwise act in a petulant manner fine I guess I'll just relax in the basement from now on and then give her the cold shoulder for several days right so if this is your situation then I'd have you realize that your partner really has to be doing work on themselves if they are ever gonna be able to meet you in an emotionally honest place and it is possible it is possible that they that they could okay but that's really the only way in which you will be able to grow with them in the context of their relationship does it mean you can't grow on your own in the context of the relationship but if you want to grow with them in the context of the relationship they will have to be doing some process work on themselves so that when you approach them in an emotionally honest way they can receive it okay and that's why I often feel like one of the major issues when we have insecure attachment is the ability to receive okay all right so one just take a acknowledge the chat box here now try that with an underlying thunderous emotional storm as opposed to please pick up your dang socks what if they think that's just a little over the top to what they're doing they might say something like it's just socks on the floor yeah that's that was the first part that was the first part yes he would focus on the socks and not the attack right so that's a that's an insecure deflection right that's a dismissal it's just socks it's just socks what do you mean and that's a dismissal so it's an evidence of an inability to show up in the relationship being able to address the level of emotional importance that Annie is expressing and that's why you start by saying John this or Jack this is important to me right and so someone who understands you also have an understanding that that you're picking up on the emotional cue right and you don't dismiss what someone says outright you're right right you might feel like you're trying to control them right two partners have respect for one another exactly so that's what I'm demonstrating for you is when you have a secure relationship and when you have a secure relationship there is mutual respect right and you know that there are insecure attachment Styles going on when that doesn't exist when when your partner responds in any one of those four ways that I mentioned because when you approach somebody from a place of emotional honesty instantly and they are insecure instantly their defenses are gonna go up and you're gonna see how that I'm plays itself out now if you have an insecure partner and they're not working on themselves that doesn't mean that you cannot still grow on your own as you continue to practice being more authentic within yourself and in the context of the relationship even if they are insecure or non reciprocating okay and as you grow as you grow you will become increasingly aware of what really are the true and competitive and incompatibilities based on your true values and needs as opposed to an automatic defensive demand and response disguised as needs okay this is important information for you regardless of however your partner responds okay and the only way that you are going to continue to glean that information is if you continue to grow up to rot that's a Freudian slip show up from an emotionally honest place right don't be banking your response on however they respond to you right that's not how you're gonna shift things you rely on you you pay attention to how you are showing up just they're responding defensively doesn't mean that you automatically have to armor up you're not you're not determining what direction you're gonna go in based on what they are dealing with or not dealing with or what they're dismissing mm-hmm you're gonna show up honoring your truth and however they respond that's information for you right and they might still frustrate you they will frustrate you this process will frustrate you okay you may even go through a period of hating them for not showing up for you for not being able to reciprocate what you are now capable of giving but eventually eventually you won't take it personally anymore because you're gonna realize you're gonna realize that they don't know themselves well enough to show up in the ways that you now need and desire in order to expand into the deeper layers of intimacy that you you are increasingly becoming aware of because you are increasingly becoming aware of the depths of your own capacity okay and the only reason that you can do that now is because you know your so much better than you used to okay and eventually you're gonna arrive at a state of compassion for their struggle without blaming them for holding you back because you realize that they could never have that kind of power over you and you may also give up trying to educate them into catching up to you because you realize that the motivation has to come from them and at that point you're likely gonna feel compelled to make a decision about how you want to divide up your concrete resources your physical needs the structure of your life and your expanding emotional desires you may choose to stay but on a very real invisible internal level the unspoken contract of the relationship will change for you which means that you may come up with creative ways to satisfy those needs outside of the confines of that relationship while it remains structurally intact in the external world you might do that or you might feel that these internal changes have to be reflected in your external environment it might drive you crazy not to be able to have whatever's going on inside you reflected in your external world and if that is the case then you will likely feel compelled to change the nature of that relationship in very external ways for all to see but my point here is that there's no right or wrong that there is a myriad of solutions between either one of those decisions right only the way that you qualitatively experience either scenario is what's important and a qualitative experience of something is your internal felt experience okay so how do you sort out a true value and need versus a defensive one okay so this is a lot of what we're going to be talking about in my course five days to ignite your love light okay and we spend a lot of time using my three basic tools which are cognitive reframing body activation and arts based experiential x' to help you think about what what is a career Pat ability issue here versus how much is my attachment system being stimulated how are my fears and my desires and my beliefs all interacting with each other to create these self-fulfilling prophecies that I keep falling into right so so those are some things that we talk about more in the course and again we are down to the last two days to enroll if you're interested more information on that in the caption of this video and as I've been developing this content I also created an assessment it's still in the early phases but I've been playing with it and I shared it with my private Facebook group and about a hundred people responded to it and they all felt it was useful in clarifying how the dimensions of compatibility in a relationship versus how much of their attachment system is weighing in on the decision do I stay or do I go so if you're interested again there's a link to that assessment in the caption of this video you can check it out hopefully it gives you a little bit of insight into what might be going on in your relationship and I would love to see how you're digesting any of this in the captions in the comments if you need to go thank you for joining me otherwise I'm gonna stick around for a little while and see what we've got going on in the chat box here umm okay let's see yeah what if they don't validate what you're commonly communicating yeah I mean I would go back to what I just said it's like so they don't that's information oh right why should that affect the way that you communicate why should that affect the the truth of your experience right why should what they do in any way shape or form impact the way that you now move forward knowing who and who you are who it is that you want to be what it is that you want the kind of partnership that you desire if that is how they respond then that's information for you that's important information for you especially if we're talking about what we are talking about here is if there is this relationship that I really want to be in because our the compatibility issues real or is it an insecure attachment that's keeping us here and that's continuing to perpetuate a conflict like I said in the beginning clean up the communication if you clean up the communication and the issues remain then you've got insecure attachment Styles in wild operation okay if you but if it is a secure attachment situation and the compatibility issues are not that big of a deal clean up the communication oftentimes the conflict resolves so that's kind of the point of this film as this video is to help you discern is this really about the socks on the floor or is this actually about something deeper okay and when both people can show up in a way that they recognize what they're actually feeling and and recognizing that whatever they're focusing on in the external environment is just a focal point for that feeling if you can identify okay I'm noticing that I'm it's making me feel this so the thing that I'm actually needing and wanting is a recognition of this not necessarily that it's kind of like you have to start here in order to change that picking socks up the floor isn't gonna solve the problem it's just them now that energy is just gonna be displaced onto oh but you don't wash dishes after dinner right it's the displacement of the energy its energy doesn't go away it just finds a new point of focus okay so that's why it's important to recognize this part and once you get that part recognized now all those puny little arguments about things that really don't matter titrate they bathe they are not as frequent they don't go away because that's life but they're not as frequent and they're not as let's say powerful right um okay let's see what if it's not as specific like picking up someone's socks but they are information about your life like wanting to be asked about you and hearing about their day so there's an interesting book that you might find interesting I just it's a good book you might find interesting by John Gray it's called Mark Venus on fire and Mars on ice and if you're this is more in a heterosexual context but he talks about how cisgender men and women have a certain structure in their brains and their hormones function on a certain cycle throughout the day and so sometimes there's a lot of conflicts conflicts that occur when for example women who work throughout the day and men who work throughout the day come home together because they have different hormonal functions and means how they interact with each other once they come home and what they need from each other once they come is actually very different and because of that there can be a lot of clashes so women need to replenish their oxytocin when they come home because they've been expending a lot more of their testosterone and of course the levels of testosterone in a cisgender male versus a cisgender women are different generally speaking so a woman needs to replenish her oxytocin in order to relax now a man also has been expending a lot of testosterone throughout the day and when he comes home it's been depleted so what he needs to do is generate more testosterone in order to feel more comfortable within himself so great auks about how men typically needs 30 minutes to an hour when they come home of doing nothing and zoning out in order to replenish that whereas women in order to replenish the hormone they need which is oxytocin need to do things need to do activities that foster the generation of oxytocin which is bonding activities like talking talking a lot sitting on the couch together touching rubbing doing things that are nurturing so they need kind of different things in that moment and how well those things are met at this sort of crucial point throughout the day for most people in their everyday lives when they both come home from work can generate lots of conflict if it isn't acknowledged so for anyone who has questions like that you know it is a gender-based book John Gray can be kind of a controversial figure in that respect but if you're someone who is interested in that kind of approach it's worthwhile reading the information but again I don't I don't ascribe to that as doctrine also because there's research that shows that like 20% of men have female brains and 20% of women male brains and if you look at a lot of the research you'll actually find that within subjects you'll find greater differences than between subjects which is to say if you are to compare a group of men's brains versus to a group of women's brains you'll actually find less differences than if you were to take then if you were to just take a look at a group of women's brains and look at the variances between each of those brains so so don't take this as gospel okay but it is something that there has been some research done on that and it's interesting to read if you are heterosexual that might apply to your situation so it's worthwhile checking out to be so much better and how I showed up before my brain injuries in dealing with very confrontational partner Mac's husband was more of a whatever tell me yeah well brain injuries are a real thing I mean that has a verb that can have a significant impact on on on personality even you know I used to work for dr. Eamon who is kind of like a celebrity doctor he has a show on PBS called lying on the psychiatrist couch before that he had a show called change your brain change your life he's written a couple best-selling books about the brain and he also wrote a book about the power of the power of the female brain and he also wrote a book about the brain and love and those if that's something that intrigues you I recommend checking them out it's pretty interesting so can we stay together to be together when there's no growth from one side sure sure and that's what I that's what I mean like what I said towards the end is that growth is always possible in or outside of relationship but it's it's possible when you allow for it right so if so if you're in a relationship and and you're like you know what I'm attached to this person and because of all the time I put in my life is now constructed around them that does happen you know i the the the contract between is a legal one but maybe it's also become one where your routines and the way that you move through the world is now structured in large part around this other person so what I'm saying is maybe that's a commitment that you've made because it's a value that you have okay so find another way to continue to grow and so that means on some level you gotta let go of the idea that that structure that contract is the vehicle for which your experience growth they're telling you it isn't and you can't control them but what you can control is your own inner life and experience so you might find other ways other avenues within the context of that relationship right and may but but within that context but it may not be the relationship that you are actually that's a sourcing your growth food from right you'll find other ways to find it and you decide what that is I'm not one of those people I'm not one of those relationship coaches is gonna tell you that lifelong monogamy is the only way to have a lifelong committed relationship you know that's just one thing though I also am someone who believes that you can have an exchange of erotic energy without having sex so but you may develop intimate relationships that are expressed that intimacy is expressed in other ways right and you just make choices about how you want you the expansion of your internal life and the things in this world that you find nourishing to your soul into your mental emotional and spiritual expansion you make choices about what that's gonna look like in the world of physical form because I believe we are spiritual beings having a physical experience and so you get to decide what is that what are the exchanges of energy going to be for you and how is that gonna look in the vertical form we grow up with a lot of conditioning that tells us it's gonna look like this right when you love someone that means that that means that you babe this way you do this kind of thing you give that kind of stuff and you commit that amount of time but who says who says who says why why does it have to be that way you can decide you can decide what it is between you and your partner you know and it's interesting the Kinsey Institute did Studies on this that show that sometimes when married couples open the relationship they actually experience an increased attraction to each other of course the other happened the other thing happens to one person they they grow apart but you know we don't often hear about the research on that because it's still a taboo thing and people don't like talking about it openly but but that's just one scenario you can also be monogamous to someone in a lifelong relationship but you're finding your intimacy is elsewhere you're building relationships and experiencing exchanges energetic exchange exchanges that are by nature intimate and you're feeling satisfied and filled up with that but you are technically in a monogamous long-term relationship and you've never broken that vow but what about what we might not be willing to acknowledge openly is that once when that happens that there's something in the unspoken contract between you and your partner that has shifted that has changed doesn't make it good or bad or whatever it just has and that's okay it can be so I do believe that you can grow remaining in the external contracts construct of a relationship if you'd want your external world to look the way it looks that's fine but I'm just suggesting that doesn't mean you have to abandon whatever internal growth is possible for you and that there is a myriad of possibilities for you to find those intimacy and spiritually spiritual growth needs met right however of course for some people that might work for others that's gonna feel impossible that's gonna feel like I can't I can't live that way I'm gonna feel you know compartmentalized I'm gonna feel split I'm my external world to represent my internal world I need it to and if I and if it can't then I feel that I'm somehow living a less-than life it's a temperamental thing if you ask me there's no right or wrong way but if that is what you have come to discover about yourself then you know you're really not going to feel fulfilled until you honor what you know about yourself and recognize that even if that means that there's a change in your external circumstance or the legal contract of your relationship it's not wrong it's not shameful it's just you got to honor yourself in that and there will be solutions too and it doesn't your attachment relationship it just means the way it looks has to change for you in order to you in order for you to feel like you're living your best life right okay um is it possible to keep a monogamous relationship and make it feel exciting and healthy like it did in the beginning over time yes I believe it is I think that has more to do with polarity and and I think that polarity exists in any relationship configuration heterosexual homosexual relationships gender fluid relationships I think that absolutely that's possible as long as you are playing with polarity so you know polarity is traditionally it's been spoken about in terms of masculine and feminine energy I think those are the words that we use because historically that's how we've been conditioned but we're entering into a really interesting phase of human development where that box is breaking down and becoming more flexible and fluid and with that or have we have a little more permission to step into whatever polarity we feel inclined towards so so and I think this works in partnership regardless of what your gender expression or orientation may be partners play with holding a polarity so instead of talking about in terms of masculine and feminine energy we might talk about it in terms of I'm gonna I'm gonna reference a coach that I love who talks about this her name is London winters and she talks about changing the language so that it's palatable to I would say a more current situation and that is the Alpha and the ayah so being able to play with directed structured containing energy and externally oriented energy and then there's the energy that is expressive inorganic and fluid and uncontained right and so there are these two polarities and historically I think women have can been conditioned that they need to hold the Omega and there may be some hormonal influence on that and men have been conditioned to hold the the Alpha and there have been some hormonal influences around that but the body we know it responds to the environment as much as it does to its own genetic inheritance so how much of that is really about social conditioning that has you know influenced our bodies to function in a certain way we don't know it's becoming increasingly intriguing area of research but all of that is to say if you can feel that but usually we will find ourselves comfortably suited seated in one or the others so let's say that you have let's say you have a partner who more more enjoys and feels comfortable seated in an alpha state so someone who feels more comfortable when they're directed when they're containing when they are decisive when they feel more structured in something right so we know that that's a state that they feel more comfortable in and let's say that you as a partner you observe them to be experiencing a state of confusion and you experience them to be feeling ambivalent or diffuse or like you know that they're not they're starting to inhabit let's say Omega energy but in a aspect of the Omega energy right because each of these polarities will have a light and a shadow side to them so in order to help this might catchment Theory we'd call this Co regulation maybe or some form of attunement but you might as the partner you might assume if they're starting to slip into more shadow Omega then you might compensate by by inhabiting more of your light Omega and when you start inhabiting more of your light Omega it's gonna it's going to polarize them to step into their alpha more so so they start feeling more comfortable so like they're confused I can't make a decision I don't know what to do with this and you're you're kind of like oh well maybe I'll be more confused than them and then that forces them to make a decision and now they're feeling more comfortable right but we have we tend to do the opposite and that causes problems so like you maybe you have a partner who likes to hang out in the amount alpha more often but now they start to feel confused now this partner feels oh well they're starting to lose their containment in their direction that means I have to step in and I have to be more directed and I have to take charge here I have to take control right but then that's only gonna make this person feel decend more into a polarity that they're uncomfortable with right and then they're gonna leave the situation because now they don't feel good about themselves in the situation and now they don't feel safe and then they look at you as being an impetus for that so rather than doing that you you just sort of expand more into oh no I'm gonna do more of this and then they get polarized in the other direction I'm not sure if that helps it's not my area of expertise to talk about this so in-depth but it's something that I am circling around in terms of the way I think about these things so I thought I would share it kind of just as a thought bubble in case it's something that rings true for you if that is something that you want to learn more about I recommend checking out the work of London winters also there's another coach her name is Alana Pratt I and she talks about she coaches men and women around this kind of stuff she she has a program called like noble badass for men and she has another program for women so if that's something that intrigues you I recommend checking that out because it's another framework for looking at you know it's another framework for looking at how do we sustain polarity in relationships also you know tantric practices talk a lot about how to sustain a balance in order for there to be lifelong passion let's say and arousal in a relationship um I struggle with feeling rejected but Kim what I can't move past is boredom if I'm more entertained while being alone than being with another person gotta go I would probably have to ask more questions about that the other the other thing about the other thing about boredom is boredom is usually a smokescreen you know boredom is usually a smokes I'm bored well if you're bored then you're looking to something outside of yourself to entertain you to enliven you you're looking for some you try looking to source something from the external environment and that's a miss location of where your excitement actually comes from excited feelings come from you so so you know I'm boredom can also function defensively right um what do you feel about what Esther Perel says about keeping spice I don't actually I've never read Esther Perel I know who she is I've watched a couple YouTube videos but I don't she says a lot of things about long-term relationships so you'd have to be a little more specific Ilana Winters a LAN a winter's she III think she's a fascinating person she inReach she has a book called sacred I think it's sacred sexuality for the enlightened woman or something like life some just look up London winters um but she she spent a lot Asians and then she met someone that things like 10 years her junior and they it sounded like had a quasi anxious avoidant track relationship in the beginning and then it evolved and then they got married and they've been married for several years now and they work together teaching people about these types of things and how to sustain long lasting healthy monogamous relationships and they wrote a book together about this which I found very inspiring so I highly recommend you know google london winters it's I like the way she talks about things can someone develop an insecure attachment style in their teenage years as a result of a breakup yes actually research shows that you can develop insecure attachment in adulthood especially if you've had a significant situation it could be a significant you know attachment relationship dissolving it could actually it could also be the result of like a natural disaster or it could be the result of someone dying unexpectedly or it can also happen if you get into a relationship with someone who has a lot of momentum tied up in whatever their insecurities might be they can kind of drive you toward towards being more insecure I talked more about this in a video I'm gonna release next month it's gonna be called how can I tell if my particular or avoidant I think it was a question it was raised similar to this but I talked about how when because these things exist I mention 'le we can so so let's say you have you're in a relationship with let's say you're in a relation let's say that you are someone who is more avoidant okay and you get in a relationship with someone who's more secure but because you are avoiding - you're hyper sensitive to any emotionally honest communications or any bids for contact any bids for contact right even bids for contacts that you would experience in the normal course of a relationship you're hypersensitive to it right that's what makes you avoid it so someone who is secure who makes let's say a proportional proportionately reasonable request for contact you Hyper respond by withdrawing kind of inexplicably or you have a hyper defensive response to it because you're hypersensitive to bids for contact so now you create in the more secure person a question right like oh well I wonder why they're responding that way because they're secure because people haven't responded to them like that they're secure because their environments have fostered a more secure attachment but when you start responding in a way that's insecure now they're sort of naive to that in a way like they're a bit naive and you know everyone talks about being secure is the holy grail well let's be honest if you're secure if you're secure you're also probably a bit naive unless you're earned secure right you are that way because you haven't encountered difficult things in your life let's be honest this is why I say that when we struggle with insecure attachment I actually feel like when you have great struggle you have great calling because think about it you I mean if you're struggling with insecure attachment you also have a knowledge of things that you know maybe you're trying to become more earn secure but don't discount the things you know don't discount the thing as you know yes sometimes we create the situation's we fear but you know that's because you work did have exposure to them at one time right so it's not complete discount our experience right so so just but what can happen is because now we're in a new context but our brain is still functioning on a survival brain that we had to experience in previous relationships right so we we have a hard time adjusting to a new circumstance and we take everything we learned in an old circumstance and we apply it to a new circumstance without considering whether or not it's actually applicable so now we enter into this new circumstance perhaps with a partner that is secure but we are coming to it with all this you know knowledge and from from a previous one and we're assuming that's going to be applicable here and in that assumption we generate we generate the circumstance that now depending on how much momentum you have around it you may start creating and like sort of handover that insecurity to them by osmosis and they mate if they are naive enough they may take it in and be swayed by your momentum and now they become more insecure now the opposite works too though they may be someone who's more secure but they have a stronger sense of self and groundedness in their position and maybe they are not so naive and they see what you're doing and they're just like hmm nope not gonna play that game and so now you have a choice to step into a new context and move towards a more secure position or not maybe you're not ready I think it's gonna be different for everyone but you know it depends on I think it depends on your energetic momentum the the level of lifeforce energy that you walk around with if you ask me um if you as much more rewarding to even have a normal good life yeah I mean I think that's the other benefit to dr. Halpern in his book how to get over your addiction to a person I think it is he he had a quote I'm gonna botch the quote but um it just stuck with me he said that that relationships with that relation that attachments not necessarily a bad thing especially if you are compatible and and and you do experience the relationship as positive and that individuals who have struggled with insecure attachment actually can have even more than secure people can have a deeper appreciation of a secure partner once you know once they're ready for it like once they're ready and able and can and and and are open to receiving what the secure partner offers because they have finally reached that place where I'm done with this drama game done done done right it's done done done done done done done for me so when they finally reach that threshold and they meet someone who can who can meet them on the level that threat they're not worried about being bored anymore they're not worried about the challenge they're not worried about that kind of stimulation because they are done with that game over it right so once they reach that point and they find a secure person they can actually be a fiercely loyal and very committed and very appreciative partner because they have had the exposure to the other side because they know what it is to not have that so well right it's an experiential learning so so there is a you know a power a powerful quality that partners within squid let's say earn secure attachment can bring to a relationship right um after being polarized by an avoidant once you feel good in a two feet and in relationship in his amazed amazed bazookas I love that I'm gonna add that to my vocabulary so can you listen explain top knees that might be in conflict so I have a link to an assessment in the caption of this video which will talk about them there's twelve dimensions that I mentioned or that I have you consider so those are sexual chemistry domesticity right how do you both want to contribute to the data team routines and functions of the home cultural influences is culture a big part of the relationship what are your future goals like how do you see yourselves in the future what are your intimacy needs that's basically emotional closeness like emotional proximity what do you like to do for entertainment and fun like how do you play together affection and of course physical affection is different than than sexual contact intellectualism so how much do you both like talking about ideas versus just issues mundane issues of the day today right how much do you need that also generosity so is there a willingness to be generous in the relationship towards one another without feeling depleted manipulated or like you're being taken advantage of also what's the role of humor in the relay what is the importance of humor and being able to laugh with your partner and lastly I would say spirituality you know what role does spiritual meaning and beliefs come into play in your relationship and oh one more and that is unconditional regard so unconditional regard is when imagine that you're not in a relationship of this person right so it's an appreciation for them because leave and who and what they are you deeply respect them for what they've accomplished and you just like being around them because you believe that just by being who they are they contribute to the good of mankind right you just think there's such a stellar s'en independent of how they respond to you or how they show up in the relationship that has to do with unconditional regard how much of that do you actually have for your partner independent of being in relationship with them right so yes so we're at about an or so I think maybe about time to hop off but I want to say thank you to everybody that has participated here in the call I appreciate you joining me here today and tomorrow we will be back with another live stream same time 1:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time and again in the caption of the video I have a link to help you look at assess to an assessment to help you look at compatibility verses attached um impulses and also a link to the live group coaching series if that's something that you are interested in so thank you so much for joining me here today and I hope to see you again here tomorrow