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Create initial attachment

[Music] hello this video focuses on the special connection between you and your baby the connection created by a secure attachment bond the relationship can be a source of comfort and trust for your infant and a source of joy and fulfillment for both of you the term attachment or attachment bonding is used in a number of ways and you may be confused about its meaning you may think that the parent-child relationship called the secure attachment bond is more complicated and time-consuming than it really is some see this relationship as spoiling an infant as if that were possible or demanding round-the-clock commitment which it doesn't the secure attachment bond does imply an ability to reduce stress that's affecting you and your baby and it does require an ability to tune in to your own emotions and those of your infant everything that's important about life as a human being you learn in context of relationships attachment relationships where the parents is sensitive to the child's inner state lead the child to have a brain that becomes very integrated and a mind that is very coherent if parents are not providing sensitive caregiving where they're not tuned into the internal state of the child then you have various kinds of difficulties that can arise the most important pivotal experience in a child's life is that a caregiver and a child have a falling in love experience and that experience of joy is invigorating to the body on all fronts and is essential to being able to develop the capacity to care to be able to develop the capacity to love and to have empathy for other human beings and to be able to be have moral conscience you the falling in-love experience that initiates secure attachment engages both you and your baby this process is essentially nonverbal when you coup speaking softly and lovingly your infant understands the meaning of your words by the expression on your face the tone of your voice and the touch you impart at first this two-way communication expresses mostly interest and curiosity wordless exchanges are tinged with wonder as each of you investigates the other this process of mutual discovery can only take place when you and your baby are both relaxed enough to focus intently on one another it's natural for newborns to sleep a lot and cry for periods of time but there will be moments of mutual engagement when you and your infant lock gazes as delightful as this mutual engagement is it's important to understand that a newborns nervous system can become overloaded very easily so when attuned sensitive parent permits their baby to disengage when the baby's vulnerable nervous system needs a rest the attuned attachment bond intensifies as shared smiles vocalizations and gestures increase in frequency and intensity this is a dance between the two of you but it's initiated by your infant within the first year nonverbal communication progresses to the point of playing simple games with each other like peekaboo babies use eye contact gestures vocalizations and other nonverbal means to signal their desire for play this joyous process deepens your mutual love and stimulates optimal development in your infant's highly social brain ideally the attachment relationship progresses smoothly but if either you or your infant has challenges that continually interfere with your ability to relax and focus on one another the attuned attachment bond is interrupted and may be compromised if the brainstem for whatever reason has some insult during development it could be alcohol exposure in utero it could be cigarette smoking it could be prenatal exposure to drug or it could be significant distress in the caregiver for whatever reason if the brain stem is poorly organized and over-reactive and dis synchronous the baby's born and very often they will have what we call a state regulation problem they are hard to soothe that you can't quiet them down very well it's hard to engage them and it makes the caregivers feel overwhelmed they can't calm the child down very well the child stays all stirred up and and instead of having this smooth synchronous interaction you have kind of this bad fit these problems commonly also occur in premature babies babies with disabilities and illnesses or adopted infants but the challenge to successful attachment doesn't necessarily lie with the infant alone attachment is a partnership that a caretaker may be unable to fully engage in for many reasons a mother who experiences high levels of stress throughout her pregnancy from overwork or lack of physical or emotional support can become distressed and she can pass the stress on to her developing infant mothers who are sick depressed fearful or traumatized will often be unable to remain calm and focused enough to successfully observe or communicate with their babies fortunately there are great opportunities for overcoming the limitations parent or child may bring to the relationship distressed parents can learn how to calm themselves and remain self-aware all parents can find the means for creating a secure attachment relationship even with an infant who's nervous system has been compromised [Music] challenges to attachment are overcome by first understanding the role stress plays in any relationship uncontrolled stress limits your ability to remain common focus it can shut down your awareness or block your infant's ability to feel safe creating a secure attachment bond begins by recognizing the role stress plays in supporting or undermining secure attachment though the internal experiences are identical stress is expressed in at least three different ways agitated and obviously upset tense and hyper alert or shut down and withdrawn listen to how dr. Connie Lillis describes the process of trying to figure out infant obsessed a process that she refers to as learning to be a stress detective these difficult behaviors are really stress responses and it's up to us to figure out what is causing these stress responses and there's several different pathways that they can show us that they're distrust the first stress response is a hypersensitive hyper reactive stress response and these infants cry a lot are inconsolable when they become toddlers they may go into rapid temper tantrums and be very volatile [Music] a second stress response our infants who are hyper vigilant these infants will have very wide eyes and will be very vigilant ly looking and you can see that there's an anxiety in their muscle tone and in how they carry themselves and that they're scanning the environment a third stress response would be very shut down and tuned out but these children again may be misunderstood as a good easy baby success at detecting and soothing your infant stress will depend on your ability to first gauge your own stress level and bring it into balance the best way to care for your upset infant is to make sure you're calm before you do anything for your baby babies sense their caretakers as they are lifted held spoken to looked at and touched when you're stressed you're nonverbal cues convey tension but when you're calm and alert your messages will be soothing and reassuring a focus relaxed parent is also in a much better position to succeed in evaluating the upset of an infant who is inconsolable tense or unresponsive caring for your baby begins with self care and attention to the basics sufficient sleep physical and emotional support from others including dad and some time out for yourself care for the relationship with your infant begins by assessing your own stress and bringing it into balance as an adult you can come and focus yourself in two ways by talking to someone who is already alert and relaxed or by engaging your senses when you deliberately focus on sensory experience that you find appealing you can quickly and dependably both relax and energize yourself visual stimulation music aromas and other sensory input may be along with a few deep breaths and perhaps a little movement can rapidly bring a stress nervous system back into balance [Music] overwhelming stress is the first of two common obstacles to achieving a successful attachment relationship emotional numbing on the part of the parent is the second the ability to be aware of your emotions and those of your infant is key to experiencing successful attachment emotions are at the heart of the nonverbal communication that keeps the relationship with you and your baby on track emotions are the connective glue of the falling and love experience under stress you can lose control saying and doing things you later regret but connection to your emotions helps you stay afloat by keeping you in touch with the love you feel for your infant emotional awareness is also the best means you have of picking up on your baby's nonverbal cues infant cries and other sounds differ in their timing pace and intensity when you're aware of and comfortable with a wide range of your own emotions it's easier to detect and respond appropriately to differences in your baby's emotional cues the more accurately a parent interprets and responds to their infants cues the greater the bond of trust that develops infants never challenged Authority but when they become toddlers and begin asserting themselves earlier experiences of having been emotionally understood will make conflict easier to resolve because of the trust that's already been established babies have emotional responses to us when we are too often unresponsive to their needs or their attempts to interact or communicate and that's why it's important to learn about their nonverbal communication at birth or within weeks of life in fans feel core emotions like anger fear and joy but to manage them they rely on their primary caretakers because their own nervous systems aren't mature enough to keep strong feelings from becoming overwhelming when parents don't help or can't help a child calm and soothe their emotions children may learn to numb or avoid their feelings it's not uncommon for people whose emotions were ignored early in life to be emotionally disconnected when you don't know what you're feeling it's very hard to understand what someone else is experiencing in this way cycles of inadequate attachment are created and passed on listen to what Dan Siegel has to say about the role of emotion and the passage of insecure attachment from one generation to another one place I would like to start with individuals as well as our society trying to make a difference to really stop the cross generational passage of trauma and of insecure attachment it would be for parents to start a process of self understanding it basically costs nothing except the time and emotion that it takes for parents to begin on that process and we all can do it and the people who benefit most besides ourselves are our children fortunately as Dan Siegel implies adults can learn to tolerate their strong emotions including feelings they dislike and find intimidating it takes practice but just a stress management can be learned so can emotional self-awareness and with it comes the key to self understanding and self-control most infant challenges to attachment can be met with patience and reasonable expectations but sometimes there are developmental problems that go beyond a parent's ability to solve on their own these more severe challenges benefit from prompt professional intervention as soon as they are noticed preferably within the first year developmental problems often go unnoticed in most visits to pediatricians offices parents spend more time with their infants and are in a better position to spot possible problems the best way to identify infant behavior that may signal a developmental difficulty is to follow social-emotional milestones a social-emotional milestone is infant behavior that indicates the attachment bond is on a secure track if this infant behavior doesn't occur it's a red flag that signals an attention and regulation problem and the possibility of a more serious developmental problem the first marker to look for is the one that takes place within the first 12 weeks of life this first social emotional milestone is locked gaze between infant and parent that triggers the initial falling and love experience the second milestone to look for in the first year takes place between three to six months and is marked by more complex engagement infant gazing gives way to smiles vocalizations and gestures that last a bit longer somewhere between four to ten months mutual engagement advances to the point of becoming purposeful to a play where both infant and parent participated in a game like peekaboo using smiles vocalizations and gestures as the ability of the infant to remain engaged for longer periods of time grows so does the complexity of the interaction as reflected by other social-emotional milestones that occur after the first year if a parent can't pick up on their infant's cues or a baby isn't alert enough to engage in the earliest milestone behaviors it's a red flag that signals a need to get help as soon as possible pediatricians can recommend infant mental health specialists or early intervention professionals who can help problems that are identified right away can almost always be resolved what our bodies need for best development is relationship every neuron in the brain develops best in a safe secure relationship that recognizes and responds to our needs and emotions early childhood challenges can change the biology of the brain but early childhood support can also change the biology of the brain all infants bond with their parents in one way or another so the question is what kind of bond will this be will it be the secure attachment bond that every mother and child needs and deserves to create secure attachment you just need the social-emotional skill to quickly manage stress in the moment and be emotionally aware and available some of the time if you don't have these skills you can learn them and if this learning is shared with a partner or as part of a group the process will be more complete and powerful enough to support your child's physical mental emotional and intellectual development your reward for investing in this process will be the joy you take from falling in love with your baby and the meaning and purpose this unique relationship brings you and your child's reward will be the very best possible start in life [Music]