Save Visitor Attachment with airSlate SignNow

Save visitor attachment

how will I know if they are secure or I'm just too anxious good question we talk about attachment styles as categorical right anxious anxiously attached individuals tend to be more clingy and they struggle with needing validation and approval in relationships right but they're very creative they're very effusive they are so forgiving they're very they're very giving in relationships and and they've already got the buy-in you know they already see and understand and and can tap into a wealth of let's say an emotional range and they understand how to tap into the joy of being in partnership okay and then we have avoidant lis attached individuals and these are individuals who are more concerned with creating a certain measure of distance and personal freedom in relationships but they tend to be feel a bit threatened by emotional intimacy and or it hasn't been encouraged in their experience and so they tend to be kind of cut off from their feelings and they don't have a large vocabulary for it usually but they are very charismatic they can be very self-sufficient they know how to get the job done they can be good in a crisis situation they can be a calm and collected and containing for individuals that need that kind of structure they can be very structured those are we I call them Rolling Stones avoidant attachment then we have spice of life ours and spice of life is tend to experience both ends of these polls at a high volume right they both want closeness but then when they get it sometimes they tend to self-sabotage because in their experience whomever who ever was their attachment figures is both a source of comfort and a source of threat so there's a certain level of drama and adrenaline and excitation around conflict that feels like love but at the same time these are individuals that because they embody both ends of the spectrum they have a tremendous range which is why sometimes they're accused of being emotionally manipulative but it's also just because they're so emotionally perceptive so and they can also be some of the most deeply compassionate people you will ever meet at the same time they can be some of cruelest cruelest people you will ever meet because they've also experienced relationships as power dynamics so you're in a power dynamic you're on the top or you're on the bottom and if you're gonna survive you better be on the top right spice of life errs and then we have secured our cornerstones and cornerstones are individuals that are typically okay with periods of closest and periods of separateness intimacy doesn't threaten them but neither does having a level of independence in the relationship okay they don't they can move more fluidly back and forth between these two dimensions though that we are exploring this you know here so coming back to the question well okay well if I'm someone who has an insecure attachment style how do I know if my partner is secure or I'm just perceiving them you know as too far away so I'm gonna create a little diagram here we have high anxiety low anxiety high avoidance low avoidance so you've got high avoidance and high anxiety this is where we've got the spice of life er let's say low avoidance but high anxiety this is where we've got those lovely anxious hearts of open hearts you got low anxiety but high avoidance this is where we've got our rolling stones if you have low avoidance and low anxiety you are a secure corner stone when we assign a label like anxious avoidant or disorganized spice of life is sometimes called disorganized fearful avoidant anxious or anxious avoidant in the anxious category you'll see terms like anxious ambivalent preoccupied anxious preoccupied okay that goes over here secured is typically defined pretty Lou unilaterally across the literature in the area of avoidance it's typically called dismissive avoidance but as I said before you could have someone who's fearful avoidant kind of hanging out so where would someone who's fearful avoidant it kind of probably hang out you know they're they have more anxiety than someone who's dismissive avoid so someone has dismissive avoidance probably more likely to be down here somewhere or probably more down here someone who is fearful avoidant is likely to they're gonna have more anxiety and then they'll have a certain degree of avoidance right so I typically put fearful avoidance in the spice of life category but but if you are someone who is fearful avoidant and you lean towards more anxiety maybe you're in this side of that quadrant if you're someone who's fearful avoidant or disorganized a spice of life or anxious anxious avoidant and you have more avoidant tendencies maybe you're on this side of the quadrant right if you're someone who's anxious but you have a lot of awareness around it and you're kind of ambivalent about partners and you're worried about settling maybe this is the best I can do but you can't detach because you're too afraid of being alone but but you're aware so you've got some avoidance going on then maybe you're over here somewhere right but if you're very anxious and you're like I don't care I don't care if I come across as needy I need it and they're gonna give me what I need right then you're pod you know a lot of there's not so much conflict around it you just it is what it is right and now you could also be someone who's secure and maybe in a conflict you tend to your eat your defenses tend to make you appear more avoidance so maybe you every care or maybe in a conflict your might be primarily secure but when you're when you're attachment relationships are threatened maybe you become a little bit more clingy right so the point I want to make here is you move around when we assign a label it's because there is a frequency a measurable frequency with which or an anecdotal frequency with which you experience these symptoms more often than not and there's a range in which they express themselves so the question was how do I know if my partner is secure or something else if I am looking at it from my perspective so let's visually demonstrate this question if I am let's say if I'm if I know that I'm super anxious right I know that I'm super anxious and when I get triggered I don't care what it looks like I just ice you know fly into what are called protest behaviors I just it's almost like I'm clawing at them drowning let's say your partner's over here so they have some avoidant tendencies but more or less they fall into a secure range to you they're gonna appear that much more avoidant than you they're also going to appear that much less anxious than you so because you are looking at them from over here you're you might experience and/or feel and perceive them as being all the way over here and why is that well because when we don't have an understanding of our own boundaries we struggle to understand how boundaries apply to someone else and so it's a lot harder for us on a emotional nonverbal you know intangible level to really understand where these lines begin and end so we have a really difficult comprehension of understanding the range right the range we can't tell what's here and what's there what's what's here what's there what's this look like what's that look like right because we're all the way over here the easiest thing for us to see is all the way over here because that's what we know we know what it's like to be in a corner we don't know what it's like to move around the middle and corners are easy because they're structured they have a label they're boxed they're they're the edge of the box it's easy to tell where I'm at that's why I like when we put a puzzle together you always put together the edges first and then you fill in the middle because the middle is hard to navigate if you can't see the whole picture that's what personal boundaries allow you to do is to see the edges right and then to fill it in the other thing that happens here the person could be secure and but if this person is very insecure and this person who is secure hasn't been taught how to communicate in an emotionally honest way and hold even if they're being stimulated by someone who's let's say got a lot of momentum tied up and how they're coming at them right if they haven't been taught how to communicate if they haven't been taught a certain level of emotional intelligence and even secured people have not been it's a systemic issue then then they may be polarized even more in this direction right especially if they already have any leaning that way and now we do have the angling trap right it goes the opposite way as well if you're over here and your partner is let's say over so over here right over here they're that much less avoidant and they're close you know that much more anxious and now you've driven them over there because you're about you're you're pushing them away and you're not being responsive inexplicably and so so then they're gonna start wondering and questioning well what am I doing wrong and you're worried that they're gonna be too anxious so you won't give them too much and thereby projecting into them anxiety and so now they they become the thing that you're afraid of as an open person you've now created the situation that you were afraid of right it's called projected introduction psychodynamic theory we project into someone our own fears and or expectations of how things are going to go and so now you've created the very thing that you were afraid of you