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hello everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating where we dig into the whys of people's behavior including your own this week was particularly about that because we just had a sounding board event about schemas with dr lev uh she was on our last season and people really loved that episode and if you didn't listen to that episode about schemas it's all about how you're wired and your core beliefs and your and how you interpret information which then drives your actions so if you understand your schemas then you understand why you do the things that you do this is exactly why we're doing the sounding board to help people really get clarity on their selves and their love lives all that we had dr abigail lev who is from one of our most popular episodes from season 11. how you're wired for for relationships and it was all about schemas if you remember most of you probably have listened to that one if you haven't definitely go back there's so much jam-packed in there but we had abby will go not as formal we had abby do this exercise and she did this as a dry one run with um ua and louise and i and it was basically like how do you turn your schemas into relationship values it was just so mind-blowing and like opened up so many things that i had never personally thought about before the whole powerful thing about schemas is seeing how it relates to every facet of your life and how it drives your decisions and behaviors so once you get a hold of your schemas and know more about that then you're able to carry out with actions that are more favorable to you as opposed to like knee-jerk reactions that sometimes could be damaging or harmful to you so i think another takeaway for me from that entire event was seeing how your schemas are also driving the way you judge yourself and if you can free yourself of that and set some values for yourself then you free yourself of judgment because as long as you align yourself with your values you're on the right path you really have no reason to totally so yeah i mean i think we've talked about it before but the sounding board is basically like our premium community where you know we have a social side that people can connect with other members and then there is this more like self-development side that we have an audio series we have these events we have coffee time with ua and i we got a few sessions this weekend that we're looking forward to that a few sessions this weekend that we're looking forward to so yeah it's really up to you of like what level works best for you but to get all the information you can go to datablepodcast.com soundingboard and we had a bunch of people upgrade to the higher level for this event so there's a lot of good stuff in store we have most dateable contests coming up all the good stuff so definitely check out the sounding board today and that stateablepodcast.com soundingboard yeah well this was a big week and not just because of our event with dr love although that was a highlight of the week but we also had obviously the inauguration was a big big event and we'll get to that but even more importantly ua's birthday happy birthday again we've said thank you time on air officially to you well thanks to julie and louise i've been eating cupcakes every morning for breakfast they were so sweet this surprised me with sprinkles cupcakes including cupcakes for doggies and so both of my dogs got some really yummy treats and i i just gotta say i like i feel pretty good so when leading up to my 40th this whole time i kept thinking i'm gonna have this blowout party because talking about it for years i feel like years ever since i was like 35 i feel like because before my 30th i had a huge bat mitzvah party in new york with like 200 people so i thought okay for my 40th i'm gonna have an even bigger party maybe in vegas and have this like i don't know a quinceanera or something i don't know i wanted to do something really fun and um obviously that was not going to happen with kovid but it was so nice to not do anything and still get all the attention and affections so i really loved it you know you're actually still 39 because none of us age and kovid that's the reason that's true so next year we are going to vegas and we're making this party happen but even if it doesn't julie i feel like i've come to peace with it it's like i i feel really good about the way this whole this whole day turned out it was really chill it was very it was very much about my closest friends and my family so i felt like i did myself good you know like it was the right thing to do and it was a lot of self-care i took the day off from work so i'm happy i'm happy with the way i turn i turn 40 but i'm also going to turn 41 next year so you know that big 41 birthday yep well i mean i loved that your boyfriend took you on a beach picnic that looked amazing oh so sweet he did you know he gets so nervous when i talk about him but i have to give him so much praise a nice comment like this is a very nice thing that he did because if you think about it in covid when you're in a relationship it's actually a lot of pressure on your partner because you don't especially for birthdays and celebrations because all of the responsibilities on your partner before you can have your friends take you out you can divvy up your days now your whole day is spent with your partner you have to think of something to do so my boyfriend was so sweet he got me flowers he got me my favorite meal for lunch which is sushi i love love sushi and then he took me on this beach picnic in um at santa monica and it was all set up for us and we just like watched the sunset it was just a beautiful scenery and like it was just the two of us we didn't bring our dogs and then for dinner he got us really great french food on top of it all we had our dateable event so we rushed back from the beach and then we had this great event with our sounding board members there were like 30 some people on and people saying happy birthday to me which was awesome because i've never had a birthday where i've spent it with people i've never met in person they're just like great right honey of the day you were like i'm actually really excited about the events and i were like i feel bad this is falling on your birthday you're like no it's totally cool no it was actually really fun because we learned about ourselves i met new people i learned a little something about myself too so that was great and then the cupcakes came from julie and louise and i was like how can this day get any better i really thought it was the most perfect day until no that's a different story but anyway we do have another surprise coming for you still did not arrive on the 40 but look out for it and surprises coming but maybe when you're back at sf this week if it's not torrential rain for the entire week maybe we can do a little birthday catch up i just feel so spoiled thank you thank you to all of you and thank you julie thank you louise i just feel extremely spoiled and i'm so grateful for the way my 40th turnout so i feel i feel good about it i'm still alive i'm not in a walker i like you know got my botox done i'm good this group chat that you and i are on everyone's like wa you look so damn good for 40. like if we could look half as good at 40 we'll be in good shape so you you ushered us in nicely for that yeah and i was like do you want to code for botox because you're like deferral because that will help you out well we're still going to vegas 41 40 what's happening so let me finish up cupcakes first i still have leftover birthday cake my parents got me and then leftover sprinkles cupcakes so let me finish all that first and then we'll celebrate the next birthday don't worry vegas is it gonna be for a while but it's gonna we also had the inauguration this week which oh my god oh my god just brought tears of joy and like can we just talk about first i mean there's a couple things to talk about but like first of all the attire and fashion of that event i was like damn people are really stepping it up right now and i loved like the purple like there was like symbolism between behind the reason why everyone was wearing purple was basically like bridging the blue and the red together so i thought that was really nice oh i never knew that i thought they just thought they were royalty well that too okay that makes a lot more sense but i think we just talked about of cavalla's husband doug who is our official second man which i love like this is like monumental to begin with i was talking to a co-worker about this and she was like i had like tears of joy and i was looking at my two daughters and i'm like do you understand how big of a deal this is they didn't understand at all and she was like why can't they understand like what is going on that she was just maybe it's because they just think this is normal like they don't get that like this isn't like a normal thing that like women could just do this and she's like in that it's actually kind of amazing that they didn't even think it was a big deal i guess that's a really great thing because we're always so afraid of bringing up our kids in this sort of environment but then you realize there's some really positive sides they're seeing things being done in a way that's never been done in history and they think it's the new it's the norm for us it's a new norm for them it's a norm and i would love to like all the biebs going around about basically like but also like the birdie beams are off the chart but there's also one for all of our sf listeners of just like him plopped at delores park within one of those like um covet circles that really makes her but i'm talking about the memes about uh cabal's husband doug and just like how you need to get yourself a doug just the way he looks at her the way he like let like i mean not that he shouldn't let her lead like this is her day but like he basically was there to support her fully and like that is what we want in a partnership that's incredible and like i want to find myself a doug i'm on board with that i would love to learn more about their love story because he comes from this is his second marriage right kids yeah i would love to know how they met how did they find love with each other and how this i'm sure they've had numerous conversations about what happens now because their relationship's about to change and how do you grow with your partner in this in such a huge role that she's stepping into so it's pretty exciting maybe if you're listening that would be i'm just saying that would be a killer couple to get if we could get them then like life made that would be amazing we have one spot left kamala so if you like to join be a guest on season 12 of the dateable podcast which has once been number four on the charts we both injured with you on you and noteworthy don't you remember i know she's listening right now obviously because she has nothing else we'll send her a screenshot don't worry we screenshotted that you might not have but we did also it wasn't even her podcast it was like a podcast about her but whatever whatever that's about she knows all about it's the point but anyways it was a i think also just want to call out to this other thing that made my heart melt was that like on day one joe biden signed like executive orders to have like equality for like lgbtq plus folks and healthcare and just all sorts of things and like i saw like a few friends of mine that are in that community just post like how overwhelmed with joy they were you got to put yourself in joe biden's shoes this guy has been in politics since he was in his 20s he's been wanting to be he's been wanting to be president since his 20s and now he's approaching 80 and he finally gets to be president he probably has a long-ass list of things that he wants to do as president so this guy is probably the most anxious man in america right now you know can you imagine if you've been waiting for almost 60 years to do you you must just you must you were probably just so anxious to get started you're like forget all the celebration like let me get an office and get started on this crap i think he had like 30 orders or something in day one signed something like that but anyways it's a i i was i also got kamala ice cream that was my other big what's called ice cream there was this that sounded weird the way i said it but there was um you know smitten ice cream yeah san francisco it's like this for anyone that doesn't live in san francisco they like hand churn out ice cream it's amazing they made an mvp flavor madam vice president and kamala's like face is on the container so i got it in celebratory and i saved the container what's in it it was like uh pecan praline it was really good actually yum it was great their ice cream is bomb for anyone that is a local but yeah it was good oh i'm gonna have to get some well it might be yeah it might still be back who knows they might it might have been limited but you can try you might as well shoot your shot while you're here are you gonna uh save the container yeah i did i already made it i didn't i didn't save like the whole container because that'd be gnarly but i saved the top oh yeah yeah that's a good idea yeah the whole container would be kind of gross exactly like the ice cream in it yeah so yeah that would not be good so what is this episode about we thought we bring you our top three we each bring you our top three episodes from last season that changed the way we view love and relationships so um we don't know our top three yet it'll be a surprise for each other but we're gonna start on um on our top three now i'll start with mine yes third one it would be the season opener trust in your timing with christina bradley she wrote a book called which way to happiness and it really was about getting to a crossroads in your life like let's say when you turn 25 or 30 or 40 these are major milestones where you question if you're supposed to if you're if you are where you're supposed to be and that conversation was about liberating yourself from that thought because honestly you're never really where you thought you would be otherwise you'd be a psychic so trusting in your timing and trusting in the fact that wherever you are today is exactly where you're supposed to be but your future is in your hands and you have full control of how you live your life because you're making daily decisions that are driving how your life pans out so instead of having the social constructs tell you how to live your life you are in control of how you drive your life and i mean i've had i also picked that one so we knew that we were gonna have overlap on some of them and i was wondering if that was gonna be one of them i also find interesting you picked that one givens we talked so much about milestone birthdays and you just had one how do you think like listening to that episode actually played into your own like relationship in dating life you know we were sitting at the beach on my 40th my boyfriend and i and we were looking around and he was like i really i never thought this would be my life at 40. because he's also 40. and i was like same here and then we were kind of talking about like how did you think your life would be at 40. and we never really thought oh my gosh i think at 40 i picture myself sitting in a house with like five kids or whatever i just didn't picture that but i just assumed i would be where everybody else is i just assumed that my life would be look exactly like my neighbor who's 40. and it's not true and it's really great to know that we've carved out carved out a life for ourselves that it's it's a little bit spontaneous and it's a little bit unpredictable but it's nice because we are not trying to fit ourselves in a box so i think that episode really fed into my whole mindset of turning 40. i did not freak out i did not think i needed this this and that for 40 to go well it was very peaceful for me to think well however i turned 40 is exactly how i'm supposed to turn 40. yeah well i mean i think that's a big trend in general like i think other old older generations there was kind of like one defined path that you took so you kind of visioned yourself like i agree i would never like thought about like oh i'd have like a house full of children but i just kind of assumed like that would be that would that would be yeah yeah exactly but i think what's happening now is like everyone is carving their own lives and like people at different ages can have totally different lives and they mesh and they don't imagine like it doesn't matter it's kind of like everyone is on their own path yeah and that's so wonderful to know to know that you are the one creating your life that is just so is so it's just so empowering to feel that so i also had that one so i'll play off of it but i actually cheated a little and i had that one comboed with another one he always does those guys julie is known for doing this i'll be like pick top five and she's like well i have seven but i'm going to combine three of them into one like that's but i i told you a this morning i was like i woke up at 3 a.m and i had a revelation yes i need to hear this so i think it's a combination of the fact that like you may have this idea for this episode so last night she's like can you pick three episodes so i started thinking about that then we obviously had the schemas workshop this week and then i've also been really into numerology i don't know if you've ever like looked at that so maybe we should have a numerology um expert next yes please they basically look at like your birth chart and i'm also really into astrology lately which i know people love happening to you where are your crystals like what's next well that is ironic because the one i'm gonna pick is nikki novo so that doesn't happen so while we're talking about crystals and intuition i might as well reveal the episode but it was basically season 11 episode 14 what's holding you back with nikki novo and nikki novo is like an intuitive dating coach and she does readings and she did readings for ua and i and we talked about our readings but also more like broadly like what is holding people back when it comes to finding love and dating and even when like we talked about me being more recently single because i think i talked to her right after i ended things with my ex and then uua like in a relationship but like how do you get like taking the next steps in a relationship all of that so we kind of covered it from all different angles and i think what that episode for me elise brought up was this timing thing again and that's why i brought them together that's why i cheated and she kind of like iterated too like having trust in your timing like you're not behind you're just on time like you're the type of person that needs to observe you need to see how it's done and then you'll do it and she's like you're gonna have all the things you just need to like get there on the right time for you so i think that one was really um important for me and it it's this whole just trusting that it's gonna work out and not having these deadlines to it and also not like clinging with fear to each last person and like i think yeah like people can have mixed opinions if they believe in readings and all that but i think there is something nice about like knowing like okay like she told me like this birth year i'm gonna find my person and like i might have this period that i feel like almost like down about things and like i'm almost like giving up because of just like that it's been a while and i've gone through the dating ring around for a while i don't know if that's the right word but you know what i mean the carousel ring around did not sound right as we were doing it we'll just go with that you go with it um and she basically was like don't lose hope and i think like that is the problem so much with dating is that like i'm gonna kind of like give a preview into an episode this season but we have janice our moderator we talked about trauma it was amazing episode so can't wait for that one it's like sometimes like when things go wrong in your dating life over and over again it's hard to have that faith and it's hard to like preserve that you are on the right path and like things will work out when they're meant to work out and i think just hearing that from her like in that you know it's it's normal to feel that way like i thought that was really assuring and i think um yeah like i was kind of getting to my revelation but i think like with that plus like all these workshops i think like um in numerology that's where i was going with this numerology basically i was like where is this all going put it together julie this is the revelation it's gonna be big so basically numerology there's like your life number like that's basically like the um path that you're taking and i was a number one which means that you have a lot of leadership capabilities you're very driven you like get things done you have like a bright future all this stuff but a lot of it is that you kind of like sometimes go at things alone and like don't necessarily like let people in as much and they're like that's kind of the area that you need to work on and i was thinking about it in this like word of trust and i think that is something that actually like i've gotten better about like trusting my own intuition but i think i need to like work on trusting others and kind of like letting them into my life and not like feeling that they're gonna like fail me and i think like with this combination of like the schemas workshop but we'll get into that because that's definitely one of my other top episodes maybe i'll just roll that in while i'm having the revelation yeah as well but like with the schemas episode how you're wired for relationships i was a perfectionist and one of the things with perfectionists is that you like to control things and sometimes with partnerships you're out of control because you are relying on someone else and one of the other pieces is like a abandonment schema and having this fear that like people won't follow through on actions and one of the things that abby talked about in the workshop is how do you turn those schemas into values for your relationship and i think like for me like in like what do you do when the scheme has come up and like often like if i feel like someone's pulling away i'll pull away but that isn't really the relationship i want like i want someone that's gonna be consistent i want someone that's gonna be there and all that so i think where i'm going with this is that i've i'm learning to just put my foot forward and to like relinquish some of that control and to like understand that maybe like trust is a difficult part for me so it's not just trusting your timing but it's just trusting others a bit more and letting those people like like giving people a chance you know like opposed to just like feeling like i need to control everything yeah and i think it's just controlling your risk for disappointment risk for resentment because if we're constantly expecting people to fail us then it's a self-fulfilling prophecy it will absolutely happen but if you give them opportunities you step forward hoping that they will step forward that's a chance to learn about them and abby talks about this too always give the other person a chance to give you information that's what we're doing in dating we're collecting information it's not about judgment so if you step forward and they step forward that's collecting information my partner will meet me but if they step backwards you're like hey that's not the partner i want to be with because it doesn't align with my values right and another teaser alert we have this amazing episode coming up with connor beaton and we kind of asked him a question about emotion it's all about emotional availability and i asked him a question about like is this a sign someone's not emotionally available and he totally turned it around on me and i was like this is amazing that you know like you kind of like we talk about this it's like you can't just ask the why of others you gotta ask the why of yourself and his whole point like is you can say like hey i'm looking for a relationship that's x y and z and if someone can't meet you there like better to find that out earlier and to like move on but if you don't like say anything like then you're just making assumptions and you're not really giving someone even a chance to say that they can or can't meet you we had a really good question in our workshop someone asked is it too aggressive to ask these questions on earlier dates and the answer is no your values are what you stand by on a daily basis if you're afraid to ask if someone's aligned with your own values then you're afraid to get into a relationship that's really yeah the crux of it it's like you're not ready for a relationship the only way we can carve out a relationship that we want is to ask for what we want it because no relationship starts out out of the box like exactly how you want it there's nobody out there like that there is no perfect fit for you you have to create the perfect fit and that's what we really learn from these episodes is that everything is in your control we gotta stop thinking about oh is this gonna scare someone off are they gonna like be less if they ask this no it's your life right and if you can't have that relationship from day one it's going to be a lot harder to have that like three months four months in like i think i've been under this mindset like i don't want to do anything too early i don't want to like right yeah rock the ball yeah we've all been there yeah i think we've all been there and i think people still have those thoughts but i'm kind of like now in this world like it like i'm just gonna put it out there and it's again it's all how you say things it's not what you say it's how you say it right so i think like the long-winded revelation is i think this trust word is like a big one that i've learned and it's trusting your timing trusting your intuition but also trusting others because we talk about this too it's like we can do all the self work and i think everyone should be doing the self work but if you're also not engaging other people then you're not like you're not setting yourself up to learn about relationships because the reality is a relationship is with another human being yep absolutely did you just reveal your top three like all of them into one so two are combined oh i still have a backup one but i i think like just to ease up just to round out the schemas piece i think the whole schemas conversation i don't know did you have schemas on your list or was this like a you knew i was going to pick it type of one i knew you were going to pick it so i crossed it off but it's definitely yes i think revolutionary episode if you have not listened to schema schemas the one um how you're wired before relationships was our top episode of last season all these like psychology ones and this one we kind of look at as like you know if you took personality types attachment theory this is like the ultimate of getting to know yourself and it's all about the core beliefs you have and that you don't necessarily have to change the core beliefs but you can change your behaviors and i think like this at least for me how i'm gonna date differently is like looking at this perfectionism schema as a need to control and like how do i relinquish that control a bit and let others you know meet me and step up and you know it doesn't have to be just with relationship like it could be people i'm dating but i can also test this with you you a like you know like different people in my life that i can just start to like place more contr like faith in other people opposed to just feeling like i have to do everything myself yes good awesome and you can create less work for yourself or less less stress for yourself um okay then i'll go to my second one uh season 11 episode 5 sexless in the city with kat harris from an uh podcast called the refine collective i really enjoyed this episode because she is a 30 some year old woman in new york city living it up and she chooses to abstain from sex she's a christian woman but she chose she came to these choices herself she didn't grow up in a christian household she found christianity herself and she didn't grow up in a household that condoned sex you know and that condemned sex and um i think for for her she was like you know what i think intimacy is going to be a huge piece for me that i i value and that i want to keep sacred so i i am going to wait till marriage for sex so that conversation really helped me realize one i've been taking sex for granted so how do i how do i treat each time that i have sex as a new experience and how do i appreciate it more with every little moment that happens during sex sometimes we're just like okay i already know uh you know if i this is this is me talking by the way i i go if i get on top i'm gonna come like that's just gonna happen because that's it's happened in the past and it's just the way it's always gonna be but what if i treat each each new experience as i actually don't know if i can orgasm in this position let's see like let's be open to other ways of finding pleasure during sex instead of the ways that i've known that i can find pleasure during sex i also love her her thoughts about intimacy because we don't often tie intimacy with with sex and sometimes i've heard a lot of my friends say this i can't just turn on the button and say i'm ready for sex or i can't just turn on and say i'm horny it doesn't happen like that because there needs to be some level of intimacy so in my own relationship i thought about how do i create more intimacy and deepening that intimacy so that when we do have sex it becomes a deeper more meaningful experience as opposed to just going through the actions because i'm trying to hit my quota of like having sex three times a week i love that you pick that one too cause like you're not a virgin you know like i think that what i love about this sorry to blow your cover but i feel like you know like sometimes people do skim over episodes that they're like this isn't applicable but i really believe that you can learn and take away something from everyone's experience even if the experience isn't directly to you and i think i had a similar reaction that you did is like it made me think about sex in a different way and like the intimacy of sex not just the act of sex so it's like what's your relationship with sex i think that was a question that was posed in that episode and it's it's a good one and like sometimes you're right we take it for granted we don't think about all that stuff so having that fresh perspective really did help with that yeah even if you've had sex with eight million people the next person you have sex with or the next time you do have sex you can still create a different experience feel so familiar and so you can appreciate be great so i really like that episode and what's your last one um so more rolled up into one now let's take a look should we should we take a quick break before we get into the last ones do you more do you have two just one one more okay let's take a quick break before we get into the last one okay okay so yeah my lap we'll get back into it now uh my last one i had was um it was season 11 episode 15 is too fast a bad thing oh that one yes and the reason i pulled this one out is because we talked a lot i mean just to give like a quick recap captain first of all tells an amazing story so i can't even like revel his storytelling skills write this so if you want to hear the whole thing you gotta listen yourself but he basically talks about meeting someone via a clubhouse which is a new app and in during the pandemic someone he lived across the country that they basically had like one of those kind of virtual instant connections where they talked all the time for a month and really like moved quickly in into a relationship and before actually even meeting and i think honestly that is a reality that's happening this day and age so i feel like if you were to say that like years ago about like falling for someone before actually meeting we'd be like what the like are you crazy yeah that's like they're you know it's totally standard and part of the course so i think he talked about and ultimately this didn't end up working out he did make the trip to see her and ultimately he felt like they moved too fast and that was like the question was like that we posed to the episode is like is it a bad thing to move too fast because on one hand like he said that he felt like like they met friends too early they met family too early like things kind of moved at more f um turbo relationship speed and maybe their connection wasn't there yet so if they had moved slower would it have worked out but then on the flip side it's kind of like this fail fast mentality that like you you know you are getting into relationships one of the challenges before kovid was like people were so like half in half out like seeing someone once a week or once every two weeks and barely talking it just never gets things off the ground so anyways the reason i chose this one for myself is i've been doing a lot more virtual dating lately and like having some of these connections like i was back in boston so i like couldn't actually meet people and i i've been wondering this too because like they like you know like i have talked to people a lot more before meeting them and i think ultimately i do think it's a good thing that we're doing this right now and i think like it's bringing like excitement back to dating it's making it feel like you're you know like you you can build a connection with someone a bit um i do i think though there is like a double-edged sword to this one and that's why like i did bring it up as one that's changed my perspective because i guess the piece that i'll say that has changed my perspective is i'd rather kind of go all in and this kind of ties to what i was saying earlier is that like i'd rather bring my full self and have it not work out then not bring my full self and realize that earlier that's just not a compatible match but that being said like i think the one caveat is that like we do still need to take inventory that we might not fully know this person and not get totally ahead of ourselves or if like something comes up in their life that they're not comfortable sharing or where whatever that might be i think it's okay to say like hey like we still don't know each other that well yet like i need to like pause it a little on this whatever front it is and i think as the receiving end on that like being like realistic like okay yeah i've only been talking to this person for a week or two or i don't know this person that well so i don't well i guess the long-winded point i'm trying to make is i think it's a good thing that we are moving fast but i do think we need to be realistic on expectations and not take it personally and not be afraid to communicate and then i guess it's also it's all relative right what's fast what's slow and don't set these timelines for yourself and say like measure yourself against this imaginary timeline it's it's all about going with your intuition it goes back to what nikki novo said it's like put your hand on your heart and say is it does this feel right does this feel good in my body right now and then move forward if it feels good i think sometimes we're so hard on ourselves it's going too fast it's going too slow it's not it's not where it's supposed to be we keep creating so much anxiety and drama around the unknown that we forget to really marinate in the present and enjoy your company with your with this person so i i really enjoyed that episode as well i agree nikki said i've been trying to do this is like feel my body more i think that is a definite thing and yeah you feel it and i feel like i cleanse my head so much and don't always listen to my body and i'm really trying in 2021 to like pay attention to like body cues a bit more and yeah like i think it's again it's expectations it's not that it's moving too fast like it's i think it's a good thing if someone wants to like contact you daily and you want to hear from them too totally obviously if you don't want to hear from them that's a different story but if both parties want to hear from each other that's not a bad thing but you also can't be like oh my god i found the one necessarily like that might be like too much expectation so it's like how do you balance going all in but not like totally having like fantasyland expectations either exactly exactly awesome okay so then my last pick is no surprise here our season finale with maylie i knew you're gonna have it all i didn't pick it up like you would exactly yeah it would be weird if i didn't pick it maybe with the um world renowned journalist maylie she is in her 50s single without kids and talks about how she has no regrets in life and can you really have it all and her answer is you can have it all maybe just not all at the same time you find alignment in your life at different times at different phases and then you just have to appreciate when those things happen for you so i think what my main takeaway from this was you know we always have this fear of like what if i get to an age of like let's say 50s and 60s and i'm not married and i don't have kids even though those are may not be the things i want right now well i regret it later in life and talking to mae she's kind of like listen i'm happy i'm i'm not i've never been married i don't have kids but companionship for me now is an added bonus it's a cherry on top it's no longer a necessity it's not like i have to have companionship in my life so even after we recorded this episode she ended up finding a man and she is now in exclusive relationship with this wonderful man seemingly and she you know it's not like she had to have this but it was a nice to have and it's wonderful that she found this person in her life so it really resonated with me just because it it rid of all the fears that i had about the future unknowns because again it goes back into our whole theme of everything we've talked about with the previous episodes too you are in control of your life so you have to mold it in a way that you it feels good for you that it's aligned with your values and that you can move forward and say i really lived a great life like looking back if i stood on a mountain i looked back at my life the last 40 years i feel really good about what i did that's all that really matters i got to ask you because you did talk about this on our sounding board episode that you were kind of like a lot was coming up for you like entering 40 of just like as a milestone here and one of the thoughts was talking to me about like how to account for the future do you ever end up chatting with her or anything not in depth not in depth well the thing is like you just have to follow me you're like no i just follow her that i get my [Laughter] no she didn't tell me herself like i will never talk to those girls ever again but if you just follow me on her social media you see that the way she views life is just different it's just like it's not the way most social media i guess quote unquote influencers would post she's very raw and she's like if she gives zero about what you think but she wants you to she wants to tell you what she thinks and how she feels in the moment she doesn't censor anything she doesn't feel like she needs to like sugarcoat anything which is really uh really refreshing because she is a journalist and journalists have a way of spinning the information that's put out there but she just puts it all out there she's very raw so i really enjoy that about her and it made me think wow in my 40s my goal is to give less and less filter and put it out there like why shouldn't the world get the the authentic ua they should they should the world deserves an authentic ui i love how we went full circle from trust in your timing to um the can you have it all with melee because i feel like i mean we went full circle in the season but then also right now as our top picks and i think we actually like recorded those not that far apart and we're like it's interesting because there's a lot of the similar themes that are coming up this whole season around like you know this fear of the future and what does it have or like being held back by the past and i think ultimately like we don't know what we're gonna want in our 50s we don't know like you know it's like i think there's a lot of that fair going on i've had it too it's like if i don't want children now will i regret that in 20 years right and like you just don't know is the reality so it's like you kind of just need to live life according to your values and what you want to do like there's never a civil silver bullet that has all the answers and like life whatever life path you're on right this minute so those are our top i don't even know like i think we stopped we stuck with six we stuck with six raise your seven because julie's saying we needed an overlap we didn't overlap so sure okay those are our top six ish episodes that from last season that changed the way we view love and relationships we love to hear from you which episodes really resonated with you or helped you do something differently take different actions have a different mindset and that's a goal with datable is that we are constantly trying to figure out ways to change our perspective we are constantly evolving so why shouldn't our mindset right so i really love that we can have this discussion look back on our last season but also get everyone revved up for season 12 which is coming up very soon with new revelations new learnings new experts new stories new everything um that we are very ecstatic to bring together and you can still submit your story we still have some open spots for season 12. so dateablepodcast.com story you can use the form fill it out we'll see if it's a good fit or if there's any even if you don't want to be a guest and you're just like this topic would be awesome like feel free to shoot us an email at hello datablepodcast.com and yeah and also just in other news like we're gearing up for the most stateable contest it's gonna be super fun we have tickets that are available to the general public it's datablepodcast.com events you can get your tickets a la carte or you can join the sounding board and then basically if you're in the event tiers it will be included and if you join the event the tier that's not in events you'll get like a discount code that makes it a little cheaper too so definitely um join us for that most dateable contest we're going to be revealing the contestants this week right yes that's our top six contestants competing for the crown of most dateable 20 20 music videos in there were like so many to pick from we had to like instill another judge panel because there were just way too many videos that were incredible we are so excited and while you're online searching for all of that you might as well just go to apple podcast and give a five-star review hey you're already there you're already online hundreds we're almost at 500. my goal in life is to be at 1 000. your goal in life wow well not maybe not life can you really have it all with julie craft chick you really have a neurology coming through my gosh relinquish that control woman because we're going to get to a million reviews yeah there we go bigger but yes your reviews are really helpful for us not only for for perception wise it makes makes us look good but it is helpful for us to get the right guess because it makes us legit um favorable reviews also help us with rankings helps us with sponsorships it's just all around helpful for everything that podcasters do and i'm only i'm not saying this just for us for other podcasters do the same while you're giving us a five-star review hey give kat harris a five-star review from the refine collective go for it um nikki novo her podcast too so while you're on there just go on a five stars i think christina bradley uh from trust your time we also launched a podcast recently so wait oh there you go maybe we have a podcast we have so many of our so many five stars give it to them just boom boom boom boom um so we really appreciate that and then we'll be back for one last bonus episode next week before we kick off season 12. here we go okay we're gonna wrap this up all right on the count of three we're gonna say stay dateable one two three