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- Autism and attachment theory. What is attachment theory, and how does it relate to autistic relationships? So in this video, I'll be presenting a relatively simplified version of attachment theory, focusing on the practical aspects of what it means for our relationships and how we can build stronger, healthier relationships. So if you're new to the channel, my name is Paul, and I discovered I was on the spectrum at the age of 30. I make weekly videos sharing the human side of autism, and occasionally sharing my expertise in emotional intelligence and relationship coaching as well. So please hit subscribe if you wanna hear more of that content. So first off, attachment theory, what do we mean when we say attachment? So the way to think about an attachment is that it's a very strong bond between human beings. So think of the relationship an infant child has with their mother, for example. It's a very strong attachment, you are my person, you are very, very important to me, my life depends on this relationship, it's that important. So one of the most practical things that we can learn by studying attachment in relationships is how do we respond when that relationship is threatened? When the object of our attachment, when we fear that we might lose that person, how do we respond? So, there are two main ways that we can respond when we feel like our relationships are threatened. So I'm talking now predominantly about romantic relationships. So the first way, which we'll call anxious attachment, which means when I feel insecure, I get anxious that the relationship is gonna break down and I'm more likely to pull the other person in towards me. I'm more likely to cling on, I'm more likely to want more connection, redouble my efforts to save the relationship, and do everything possible to hold on it and make sure that the relationship is okay and stays together. Because the relationship is so important to me that my brain literally feels like it's life and death here. I need to make sure this person stays in my life, and it's very, very important, it's the most important thing. So that's one way that we can respond, trying to pull in and hold the relationship together. Another way that we can respond, which is called avoidant attachment, is that we can think, oh, okay, I need to protect myself here, this person that I was in a relationship with, I cannot rely on them, they're not safe, I can't trust them, I can't lean on them. I need to be okay by myself so I'm going to take a step back, I'm going to try to be okay without the relationship because the relationship might not be there. The relationship is a bit shaky at the moment. So what that looks like is distancing yourself from the other person, saying things like, I have to be okay if this person leaves me or if this relationship doesn't work, and focusing on rather than focusing all your efforts on saving the relationship, it's more focusing your efforts on saving yourself if the relationship doesn't work. So you can see how there's two kind of opposite responses that we can have there. One is typically called anxious, to be anxious attachment, and the other one is called avoidant attachment. So, again, this is a very simplified version, I'm not gonna go any more into the theory. What I'm gonna focus on now is more, how does that play out in relationships, especially autistic relationships, and what can we learn from those kind of two different ways to approach feeling insecure in a relationship? So the first thing to note is that neither of these two ways is particularly helpful for the relationship. They both are essentially maladaptive behavior that seeks to try and keep us safe and try and make sure we're okay. So one of them says, the anxious attachment says, I can only be okay if I can keep this person in my life. And the avoidant attachment says, I can only be okay if I don't need this person in my life anymore, if I can be okay without them. So, where to now? I've got some notes here, which I'm gonna refer to you now 'cause I've lost my train of thought, which is okay. I don't wanna make it sound like you're either one or the other. A more helpful way to think about these is these are both ways that we can respond to the situation, and you might find yourself responding in the anxious way or you might find yourself responding in the avoidant way. However, most of us will have a fairly strong preference and pattern for typically doing one more than the other. So while it helps to identify yourself, and potentially identify the behavior of your partner as one or the other, it's important to remember that these are just categories and it's helpful to see ourselves in both sometimes. So, okay. So what do these look like? So if I feel like the relationship is threatened and I'm exhibiting the behavior of the anxious insecure attachment style, I'm more likely to try to have more contact. I'm going to seem needy, and clingy, and dependent, and I'm trying to hold onto the relationship to make sure it's not gonna go anywhere. Now, imagine if my partner is the opposite and my partner sees that behavior and thinks, wow this person is suddenly unstable, and suddenly unhealthy and unpredictable, I need to protect myself from the relationship. The opposite side feels distant and withdrawn, and focuses on being independent rather than committing to the relationship. So, a typical stereotypical way that this plays out, and I see this a lot in my coaching work. So I'm going to share the most common kind of scenario that I see. So see if you can see yourself or your partner in one or both of these sides of the coin. So the most common arrangement that I find, I find that aspie males tend to be have an avoidant attachment, and often end up in a relationship with an anxious, neuro-typical woman. So that's the example that I'm gonna share at the moment. So in the beginning, everything is going great. You're having fun, you really enjoying each other's company, you think each other are amazing. Everything is going really well, you have an amazing connection, everything is great. And then what happens is naturally there's some level of stress in the relationship. It could come from inside, from outside, we all go through stress all the time. And this is where our responses come in. How do we respond to this stress? So a very common thing on the aspie side is to think, well this is a bit stressful and overwhelming, I'm gonna take a little bit of a step back and I'm going to take care of myself. Maybe I need some more alone time? Maybe I need some more downtime? Just everything's a little bit too much, so I'm gonna withdraw just a little bit. Now, naturally, if your partner has an anxious attachment style, that's going to absolutely set off all of their alarm bells about this relationship. Oh my God, he's withdrawing, he doesn't wanna be a part of this relationship, I'm gonna lose this person, I really love this person, I need to keep this person in my life. What do I do? I'm exaggerating slightly, maybe you felt a slightly more subdued version of this kind of emotion. So the natural anxious attachment style is going to lead that person to call more often, want to spend more time together, try redouble the efforts to have more emotional connection and spend more time together, and have more quality time and do all of those extra things. And of course, for the aspie who has just withdrawn, that's a little bit too much. Like the reason I stepped back is to have a bit of a break, and now you're wanting all of this extra stuff. So people don't usually respond very well to that. Unfortunately, how this often plays out is that if we stay in this stalemate for a little while, eventually the anxious attachment person will end up saying something along the lines of, I'm not happy, I need you to do these things so that I can be okay and so that we can have this relationship. And as soon as the relationship is threatened, that's when the avoidant attachment, avoidant aspie, tends to then freak out and think, okay, actually our relationship is in trouble right now, my partner is not happy, my partner is thinking of leaving me, my partner doesn't understand why I've taken a bit of a break right now and everything is falling apart. Which triggers the typical avoidant behavior, which is, I need to take care of myself, I cannot rely on this relationship anymore because this relationship might not be there tomorrow. I can't lean on this person, I can't trust this person, I can't commit to this person because all of that is uncertain and I can't put all my eggs in a basket that's uncertain, 'cause that's not safe. I need to make sure that I'm okay. Now, hopefully some of that has resonated a little bit, there's elements of that in kind of every relationship. And the big question is, how does the story end when we get to that situation? When we have one side who tries to cling on even more and one side who tries to withdraw even more, that's a recipe for disaster if we don't do anything about it. So the great thing about learning about our own attachment styles and our own tendencies of behavior is that we can stop and take a step back, and look at what's actually happening, and calm our instinctive responses, and act a little bit more rationally in a way that's actually going to help and strengthen the relationship, rather than a way that's going to drive the other person's behavior even more. So, a very quick example of that is for the anxious person, instead of trying to cling on even more, we can just give little bit of space and say, okay, I understand that you need some space, I'm gonna give you a little bit of space. I'm going to rely on my past experience of how this relationship has gone, to try and draw my comfort from all of that past experience rather than draw on my comfort from our current relationship and our current level of interaction, right? I know you still love me because you've always loved me, yeah. Now on the other side for the anxious, sorry for the avoidant aspie, if we do just some little things to reach out to the other person and reassure them, I'm not going anywhere, I still love you, everything is fine, I'm just taking a break, everything is fine, we're reassuring and deescalating that anxious behavior. So I could go into this in great detail. I've created a free resource on a similar thing, called, "What To Do When He Doesn't Text Back". And all of this is around understanding how we can be more secure within ourselves, so that we don't project our own insecurity onto another person. And especially when we have mismatched attachment styles, that can get out of control really quickly. So the good news is even if you have mismatched attachment styles, it is possible to build a really strong, healthy relationship if we start to understand the traps and the patterns that we can accidentally end up in and start to instead put up our own personal boundaries to make sure that we're okay to allow us to then connect to the other person. So I wanna emphasize that in our own mind, our own attachment style and our own behavior feels really justified, feels like this is the best thing I can possibly do and I've got all of these reasons to do this. Whereas actually, it's actually not helpful for the relationship. So I hear a lot of adults on the spectrum say things like, I'm not gonna trust ever again, I'm not gonna find a partner, I don't want to put my faith in friends. And when we have those kinds of attitudes, it prevents us from ever creating those relationships in a healthy way. Now I'm not suggesting that we can just click our fingers and all of this magically goes away. Usually with these patents, they've built up over a very, very long time and they need to be sort of slowly dismantled. And we slowly learn when we can start to trust another person, for example. Okay, I have exhausted what I had already planned to say, so I should probably wrap up there. As I mentioned, I'll link a free download below, "What To Do When He Won't Text Back", which is all about aspie withdrawal and how to manage that from the NT side of the relationship. Again, this is just a stereotypical example, because there are lots of NT dating aspie kind of relationships out there. So check that out. If you want, there's also a free, you can also click a check box that will sign you up to an email series on that. Otherwise, I hope you've enjoyed this video. Attachment theory is really interesting, I have really just scratched the surface today. So if you're more interested in that, I encourage you to look into further. This has been a Patron's Choice video, chosen by our Patrion family. So if you would like to become a member of that community, you can become a cup of coffee supporter of this channel for as little as $1 a week. So please consider that if you're able. Otherwise, again, trying to say goodbye, I hope you've enjoyed this video and I'll see you again next time. Bye.
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