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[Music] do you often worry that your partner will stop loving you do you feeling complete when you're single are you constantly afraid of your partner cheating on you do you try to make your partner jealous to make him or her chase you if you answered yes to all or most of these questions you probably have an anxious attachment style are you easily annoyed by your partner do you feel the need to escape when they get too close is it too uncomfortable to say I love you is it a burden to hold their hand if you answered yes to all or most of these questions you most likely have an avoidant attachment style what I want to talk about is attachment attachment theory was originated by British psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby and the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explains it in detail there are three different attachment Styles anxious avoidant and secure and the one we developed was determined by the way we were raised and treated when we were children people have always relied and depended on one another this was even more important during the prehistoric era when humans lived in tribes and relied on each other for food shelter and protection people who had no one to rely on were more likely to die for this reason evolution programmed our brains to love and depend on other people this becomes clear when a young child is separated from his mother the child will become desperate and cry until he establishes contact with her this type of behavior is called protest behavior a common characteristic of people with anxious attachment styles it's important to understand that during the prehistoric era feelings of attachment weren't always favourable these were dangerous times and many people became detached to avoid having to deal with the emotional pain of losing a loved one to some loving another person might have been perceived as a burden because this other person was likely to die these people developed an avoidant attachment style to others forming a strong bond seemed like the logical thing to do in order to survive in the end dealing with the dangers of the time was easy with another person these people developed an anxious attachment style in a safe environment it made sense to feel at ease and be comfortable with intimacy but at the same time not depending on it to feel complete such environment caused people to develop a your attachment style we no longer live in hostile environments like these but our brains haven't evolved that much attachment is as much part of us today as it was for the people who lived in this world thousands of years ago being dependent as part of our biology and nothing to be ashamed of studies have proven that a strong connection to their caretaker is as essential for a child's survival as food and water in one experiment a little girl was left in a toy room while her mother sat on the other side of the room she was having a good time until she realized that her mother had left she immediately stopped playing and she began to cry when her mother returned she felt safe again and kept playing adults are not that different the more effectively dependent we are on one another the more independent and daring we become this is known as a dependency paradox in another experiment three different groups of women were told they were going to be given gentle electric shocks while their brains were scanned in three different situations the first group of women were alone and their brain signaled high levels of stress in the second they were holding a stranger's hand and the amount of stress decreased drastically in the third group the woman were allowed to hold their husband's hand and the brain scans barely showed any stress we're told to be less needy but in most cases our neediness fades away once her emotional needs are met living in solitude may have its benefits but we were never programmed for this human beings are meant to bond with other people solitary confinement is considered to be one of the worst possible punishments a healthy relationship is essential for both people to thrive and they can even prolong their lives an unhealthy relationship can have the opposite effect let's describe the three different attachment styles anxious types are constantly preoccupied with their relationships and they're insecure about their partner's ability to love them back avoidant types although not always aware of it fear and Timothy they feel trapped in relationships and unconsciously avoid them secure types have the ideal attachment style they feel comfortable with intimacy but don't depend on it to be happy and to feel complete people with an anxious attachment style have activating strategies these are thoughts and feelings that compel you to seek closeness with your partner a couple of activating strategies are only remembering your partner's good qualities while turning a blind eye to their flaws overestimating their qualities while under estimating your own needing constant reassurance from them believing your partner is your soul mate being unable to let go even when it's clear that you have no future together when they're in need of intimacy and anxious types usually communicate with protest behavior these are actions meant to grab their loved ones attention to re-establish contact with them examples of these include excessive attempts to re-establish contact they may begin to call them and text them all the time and even show up where they live or where they work with drawing they may begin to ignore them hoping that the other person will realize they did something wrong and come try to fix the relationship keeping score anxious types count the minutes it took the other person to return their phone call or text they use this to determine how long they will take to get back to them whenever they argue anxious types expect their partner to make the first make up move and ignore them until they do threatening to leave remember that anxious types need constant reassurance from their partner they may threaten to leave them but they're just testing their partners love for them what they really want is for their partner to try to stop them from leaving manipulations they may ignore phone calls and pretend to be busy when they're not making their partner jealous they may begin to talk about their wonderful ex boyfriend or girlfriend or about the amazing guy or girl they met the other day avoidant types are programmed to find faults with their partners when their relationship starts to get intimate these are known as deactivating strategies a deactivating strategy is a behavior or thought that is used to to manage the attraction for another person it's a way for these people to suppress their desire to seek closeness longing for the Fantomex looking for the one nothing screams I have an avoidant attachment style louder than this one would assume that avoidance are consciously avoiding relationships for their people who always want to be alone but this is far from the truth avoidance in fact fall in love very easily but only with people give them enough space to fantasize the reality is that they fear intimacy but instead of admitting this to themselves they fall in love with people that are emotional you're physically unavailable people they can't be with an avoidant wants a soulmate the one perfect person they have to find and be with for the rest of their lives they strongly believe that once they do there will be no work required to maintain the relationship in their minds everything will flow naturally in the honeymoon phase will never fade away it sounds romantic but no person and no relationship is perfect these high expectations make every new potential partner another major disappointment and for this reason they lose interest in them and keep searching for the perfect person they will never find the avoidance mission is to find the one and throughout their lives they will meet different people that at first seem to have this potential the problem is that the more time they spend with them the more real less attractive less smart and more annoying they seem they will inevitably feel disappointed they will lose interest they will start feeling trapped and resentment will kick in their need for space will cause them to break up or provoke the other person to do so but once the ex-lover is no longer around they will forget away they lost interest in them and they will deceive themselves by thinking they lost the love of their lives their soul mate any normal person would heal and move on after some time but the avoidant won't because unconsciously he doesn't want to this is because of strong feelings they have for their ex get in the way of any potential new relationship and they are scared of relationships committing to a person is frightening to them and by focusing on their own requited situation they allow themselves to ignore all the other possibilities and Eve 8 relationships entirely in short committing to a person that is rejecting you is in reality a way of not committing meaning that the Fantomex is just an excuse to remain single a mere justification to avoid having to face love as a reality this is called the phantom X phenomenon and it's just one of many deactivating strategies some other deactivating strategies are leaving one the relationship is going well being unable to say I love you even when it's expected it's too uncomfortable thinking you're not ready to commit magnifying their imperfections while disregarding their qualities being unfaithful falling in love with a person that is unavailable keeping secrets from your partner to maintain your independent avoiding sexual contact or any kind of physical closeness if you're on the other side of the relationship you've been told your partner has an avoidant attachment style if he or she sends mixed messages about his or her feelings towards you longs for an ideal relationship but suggests it will be with someone else desperately wants to meet the one but never does just regards your emotional well-being says you're too needy sensitive or overreacting ignores you if your words and convenience him or her the third and the ideal attachment style is the secure one secure types are great conflict Buster's arguments are part of every relationship but secure types managed to prevent arguments from becoming destructive they're mentally flexible they're willing to examine themselves and change their ways if it's necessary for the relationship to go on they are effective communicators they tell their partners how they're feeling instead of expecting them to figure everything out for themselves they do not play games they are comfortable with closeness and unconcerned about boundaries they enjoy physical and emotional closeness but at the same time don't depend on it to be happy they forgive quickly they're inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one they treat their partners with love and respect they take responsibility for their partner's well-being the book provides us with two tips that will improve our relationships if we're anxious are avoidant the first is to date someone secure anxious type shouldn't be dating avoidant types because they need closeness and intimacy while avoidance want distance anxious types are extremely sensitive to signs of rejection and avoidance send mixed signals and come across as rejecting anxious types wants to know where the relationship is heading avoidance like to keep things foggy secure types are the ideal partners but the problem is that a strong attraction exists between anxious types and avoidance avoidance think of themselves as independent while the anxious think of themselves as dependent each reinforces the other's beliefs and for this reason they unconsciously look for each other anxious types are usually needy and insecure this only raises the avoidance self-esteem by making them feel even more independent and powerful avoidance feels self-reliant and powerful only to the extent that their partner nyan and capable avoidant types can't feel strong and independent of their partners feel the exact same way consequently they never date to their avoidance anxious types usually end up dating avoidance for the following reasons secure types are usually already taken and stay with their partners for long periods of time leaving more avoidance available avoidance do not date each other the avoidance need for space pushes them twin relationships more quickly leaving them single and searching for a different partner for longer periods of time avoidant types unconsciously look for anxious partners because they make them feel superior the second tip to improve your relationships is to communicate your needs effectively you can't have a successful relationship if you expect your partner to read your mind regardless of your attachment style an anxious person may believe protest behavior says it all and avoidance may disappear for a while thinking it is obvious that he or she needs space this isn't the case don't ever expect the other person to know what you're thinking and feeling it's ok to be in need of intimacy and it's okay to need space every now and then accept it and let your partner know without blaming them effective communication will help your partner meet your needs but most important will help you evaluate your partner their response to your needs will tell you if he or she is right for you chances are they aren't that interested in keeping you satisfied if this is the case consider breaking up because most likely you have no future together and effective communication can save you months or even years of wasted time if on the other hand you can tell that this potential new boyfriend or girlfriend cares about your well-being and happiness you now know you found yourself with a green light if you are to communicate effectively and I highly recommend you do remember these three things be specific verbally tell your partner exactly how you're feeling don't blame your partner isn't to blame for your attachment style let them know you need to maintain some independence or that you need to be reassured constantly because that's the way you are and not because they're selfish or incompetent be assertive and unapologetic don't feel ashamed of your emotions whatever you feel you feel and that's okay thank you so much for watching if you like this video please leave a like and subscribe for more you