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[Applause] a few years ago my husband and i got road bikes so that we would have something to do together but what i noticed is on these road bike dates i wasn't very happy now when i rode by myself i felt scared but empowered in fact i was often singing i'm bad i'm bad i know it as i rode along but when i was getting ready to go on a road bike date with my husband i was cranky before we even left the house now it's important to know that jordan had been mountain biking for years and he was a lot stronger than me so how these dates would typically go is that we'd start off and he's up ahead riding with ease and i'm in the back struggling to keep up and already not having fun and my feelings of irritation would just intensify as we begin climbing those first hills and he's way up ahead standing up on his bike grinding it out this cute little spandex butt and i'm down at the bottom grumbling and he'd often stop to wait for me at the top of the hill all chipper and then i'd unleash my fury if i was at my worst i'd angrily complain things like it's hot it's cloudy my butt hurts i hate this i'm a super fun date but one day i decided to do something different i put on what i think of as my attachment hat that's basically like putting on your thinking cap but i analyzed how i was feeling from an attachment theory perspective and i managed to share something with jordan that brought us together rather than pushed us apart so more on what i said soon but first i want to help you learn how to put on your attachment hat now if you're new to this attachment business it's basically just about the bonding that we have in our close ongoing relationships and i've been teaching students and couples about attachment for over 15 years in my roles as a university professor and relationship educator i'm drawing on the work of so many amazing attachment researchers what i'm going to be talking about is mainly about romantic relationships but you can apply it to friends and family as well i do have to warn you though attachments tends to stir us up it makes us feel uncomfortable vulnerable hot around the collar maybe a little queasy in the stomach you might want to escape the room but i promise you're not alone in this feeling we all have to deal with this attachment business together so what do you need to know to put on your attachment hat five principles number one it's important to know that neurobiologically our attachment systems and our fear systems are intertwined and that's across our lifespans so let's imagine i experience a threat i get some negative feedback at my job and so my fear...