Autograph Solicitation Made Easy

Autograph solicitation

inviting me to bar mitzvahs for their kids yes i got invited to john hines sons bar mitzvah john hines daughter all right right right wow did you read the invite no i just sent a check so a lot of people are going and now the big scuttlebutt around the office is what do you give john hines kid gary's like like really confused about this so he came to me and i said you know you're not gonna go no i'm busy that day sure you are no no i really actually am i would go if i wasn't busy i would yeah what day is the house do you know what day that is for a habitat for this i don't remember when i when i signed up i know i have something going on with my kids and my children weren't about oh but um i put my kids first so uh so gary called a friend to his a wealthy friend of his and said what do you give for something like this and the friend said 250 dollars i said this is a really what i consider to be a really good friend because right good friend or a really good friend i got a really good friend they said 250 and i thought that sounded low you know what though it probably isn't i'm not you know what i should we are out off the charts we are i'm going to stop this [ __ ] because john hein i sent this kid a thousand bucks [Music] and the kid said you know like thank you for your generosity like generosity excuse me you should be like screaming and shouting you know what you should like name your first kid after that that's the first question that's the first i want to hear you should mention me at the bar mitzvah give a speech maybe we could have a uh a cut out of you like the first candle [ __ ] you see now you i don't know the etiquette there too because i i had something to do and i rs repeat i couldn't go uh well of course you can't go who the [ __ ] wants it first of all and i got something but i didn't send the check so i should send the check yeah but people should not yeah yeah you should send the check that's that's a thing but people i mean john knows i'm not going to go and he really shouldn't have sent me an invite it was really a solicitation for money you know what in this case i can tell you how it wasn't i could tell you it wasn't really wanted you to go i'll tell you well yeah of course i'll tell you why it wasn't no it is you know what i'm telling you like scott greenstein invited me to his sons bar mitzvah so i i just sent in the check for a thousand bucks well that he's expecting howard but i mean you know i almost want to go to one of these bar mitzvahs and see what they're like you know like you don't want to you can be battles don't have kids and you'd just be bored well not if arrow smith plays that ain't going to happen at john scott can't get arrow smith to show up at our first show so i mean howard can i tell you how wide john invited it would have been rude to not invite you if i tell you john's invitation list every almost every person in art nobody wants to go well he started to get to well this is let me tell you about bar mitzvahs they're for family nobody cares about anyone else's kids but we work together stop but it's his kid's bar mitzvah you don't care about his family just in a general why did you invite us to your kids at bar mitzvah first of all i didn't invite you to all of them right the the the first two i had nothing to do with that but we enjoyed that though no you enjoyed it i didn't i didn't want you there my ex-wife wanted to he didn't want you didn't enjoy gary being there no i don't want him seeing my private life i really didn't if you didn't like me there did you how did you feel when i had to stand up there and recite the jewish words yeah i didn't want gary sitting and evaluating are you gary anyone robin any of you so you didn't want me there no oh how dare you you have many of you the father and mother have to say you have to get up and read [ __ ] yeah oh yeah really i enjoyed being there i was glad to be there sorry no that'll be the last time well i've been to all oh that's right there's no more unless you're planning some more oh yeah we're going to go wait about 15 years so you have to get up and leave the temple and like that's not my bar mitzvah why do the parents have to get up you know what i mean like and suffer that so you get up and you even hate that part oh my god you may need to go back to the shrink because it's not all about you yeah well it is for me that's the problem and it ain't working the shrink don't listen to that guy because i sit there and then you lead them i can't stand [ __ ] religion [Laughter] if i had one more smelly hebrew teacher sitting there over my shoulder teaching me a language that i don't care about artie just to give you an idea howard had three kids right you can't even this is so sad i mean because it's so beautiful when the family's there oh i think everyone's laughing at me i'm wearing a yarmulke long hair it's a family thing where you look like tiny tim oh geez you got to get up and read right yeah yeah you think i invited you for a check of course oh come on come on what am i listen what do you want me there for i invited the people i work with do you want to do a satellite link from the ceremony i'm not saying i don't blame you for going not going to the ceremony i totally get that you've been to one yeah but i'm not going to party either but i didn't invite you for a check but i got to give you a check no but you know i think i think your kid would take a [ __ ] when she saw that i sent a thousand well my daughter my daughter's met you a couple times right i like you and we talked about it and we didn't expect you to come she doesn't care not when her father got 15 mil for his website then you're nervous for the kids you hope they do is your daughter's bright and able to do a good job she's going to do it when my kids went up they did a show i mean they really came through what is it like a task of course it is everyone evaluates you like like i knew a kid who got partnered what do you think was practically [ __ ] you realized he got up there he sang off kay he's dopey he looked like a slug and you know everyone's sitting there going look at the [ __ ] kid the parents must be [ __ ] too see i haven't gone to the service yet so what do you have to do like what does the kid have to do kid has to get up and conduct an entire religious service right recite [ __ ] and hebrew in hebrew right well it depends if it's reformed or conservative you know i don't care what it is real jew gets up and sings in hebrew she's gotta she's reading from the torah she's gotta read a half taurus you gotta do a bunch of prayers all with vowels are no vowels no vowels all right well that's a real joke and then don't they give a whole speech of what they've learned she gives a speech she's got her speech written that they write yeah i learned from and i promise to be a good jewish mother and i promise to continue to go to temple none of them [ __ ] live up to the promise they never go back to temple it's the last time she'll set foot in the temple thank you you know what what is wrong with you i swear to god i had to sit and learn that goddamn hebrew i would rather learn klingon because that would have been funny no he's right robin even interviewed me about everything robin i have such anger you don't even know a beautiful thing each time it happens i love you see your daughter yes for me to accomplish of course i love that for my kids but i didn't need to have i needed my kids to be i didn't need to share it with every one of the people i work with i need fred sitting there evaluating he didn't evaluate you it was nice it was nice i'll tell you it was really funny howard's first daughter a lot of people invited second daughter few less invited third daughter we didn't get the invitation howard invited 11 people because i was going through a divorce i didn't need you guys there well that was laughing at me we're not laughing at you we actually thought it was nice i don't care what you think i know what you want me to think i know better what you think than i than you know i think he hates the fact he is unfortunate in that he thinks everybody's thinking what he thinks right and his thoughts are horrible you know what i thought yesterday he doesn't want that i thought that was yeah i have horrible you know what i thought i thought i thought wow what a good dad that's what i thought beautiful yeah well yeah because uh i was terrific dominic you're on the air at your second moment you were great why dominic letting everyone know he was he was that the second you spoke beautifully and you didn't just learn it then you knew it already no no i know of course i know it i was trained in that i'm practically a rabbi and that's not you it's for your child and that's all sharing that i don't get it you don't get it because you don't understand thank you you're right about one thing all right you're catholic do you know a soul who went to church after you made confirmation right you know so like you're la that's your last name on big days like christmas eve these kids all want the party but then there's no commitment to them you are just well my girls are actually all still very religious they they but they're a rare exception right maintain their faith my children are very special i like to have gone to one because uh i've never been to one i want to check it out you can go to john's go to john's oh that's right i got something to do the one you were invited i was going to go to john's but i actually do have something i'm uh i just don't remember what it was i'm taking howard's kids i got invited to um i got invited to ron paulman's daughter's bot mitzvah oh now there's one where you might see some wild entertainment but i'm not going i i have something going on so i sent the check oh boy a thousand what are you saying doesn't need a check i know but ron perlman's a billionaire what are you sending a hundred dollars that's nothing yeah you send him your good wishes he doesn't need anything nobody brings a gift right it's money nobody actually brings money you choose love money you know that everyone knows jews don't want gifts they want money i hate it when people show up with a gift like to a wedding and stuff and it's a gift you know like a face well i tell you i i'm like people who give gifts at weddings should be shot when hulk hogan i love that guy but when he walked in to bubba's wedding with that [ __ ] bowl big piece of [ __ ] crystal i knew that fruit punch bowl i knew they were having trouble when i saw his face carrying that he looked like the most miserable fox working the last mile i saw like walking through the this bub has got to have two jobs now to make money you don't need no punch bowl yeah yeah there's no punch being served at that household that guy needs cash give him money if you care about him i feel bad for the [ __ ] guy i feel bad for the hogan family it seems like they've had a lot of tragedy come down yeah i mean we got to know them pretty well it sucks yeah they're nice people i'm not happy about that robin are you going to the bat mitzvah yes without guests alone yes to john hines yes wow a little shocked i don't think she's going to make it she'll make it but i say i'd be sick i put her clock in well i do have an evening engagement an hour oh my goodness in fact whatever you're ordering order something i like you should stay there the whole time you're going to the ceremony too no i'm just going to go to the party john has uh uh said don't come to the yeah robin will have a tickle in her throat that day that's my prediction you will have a tickle in your throat who who from work is going uh did you invite sal and richard they're coming see that's a crapshoot see i think that's really a roll of the dice you're insane do you trust them to behave have you did you talk to them yes i've spoken to both of them what did you say sounds incapable of behaving you know what what can i say i'm hoping he's has a good time ronnie the driver will get up and say let's [ __ ] some horses i don't know ronnie's coming uh scott's coming actually i'll tell you you're not coming howard arty's not coming fred can't make it but fred sent something really sweet what did he send he sent a check but he wrote a note that was very personal and very uh any idiot can write a note how much did he send he sent uh he put his money where his mouth is do you want me to do you feel okay saying it's not you know not for me to say you can say if you want uh he sent uh 500 bucks that's a lot of money that's a generous which is very nice hey can we talk about benji for a second i got to get rid of [ __ ] money now you don't have to get that party rsvp didn't send money already rsvp'd very quickly yeah because i heard are you surprised there's no check no come on dude listen i swear to god because i figured he didn't know you got to get there sorry don't apologize no but for your kid i'll go i want to give you something for the kid now okay hey howard you got to talk about you gotta talk about badge i love benji to death but john could not get an answer out of benji oh i've seen him benji's first hand tell some stuff like [ __ ] you don't invite him but listen veggie says i can't commit to things you know what benji you're an [ __ ] so john just let me just say john just said you know i'm making the decision for you you're not coming right what are you being an [ __ ] for people you work with he said did i know and i said can i can i tell you by friday i told him by friday who are you i don't know what do you mean you don't make commitments who are you who are you what are you who are you johnny carson marrying her i said i'd be maybe you're gonna go you're not you know if you're doing something that day you don't have a planner you don't know what what you're doing benji said to us a while ago he thinks all of these things are just to find hookups and if he actually would really enjoy he doesn't want i would actually enjoy it i enjoy those kinds of things i just wasn't sure if i could you don't you know if you can go or not are you free or you're not i didn't do you want to be there john's daughter he asked about a month ago and i said can i have a couple days he said sure and i told him i said you know what i'd better say no was it longer than a couple of days we went it was longer than a couple of days ben and i went back and forth a little bit yeah you had to keep asking him no you were going to come but you said you don't really like planning that far in advance listen to me listen i don't know who you think you are maybe you're uh i don't know maybe the king of england you don't tell somebody i don't like planning in advance i i don't think no one cares well that's you know i'm saying to people don't invite benji yeah you should be off everyone's list just on that behavior alone you make the guy ask that's not that that's not what happened i said he said you don't have to answer yet i will sure no you won't okay fine what's going on with you in ivy super sonic should we get this weird email that she's like with another guy and she's sorry she can't be with you that's not the one i got the one i did you get i got the one that says somebody ought to talk to benji about monogamy oh see i got the one that said i needed a guy with more edge yeah it's sorry she emailed that she was dumping him and sorry oh wait maybe i have it did i print it out if i didn't there's something wrong with me it was the greatest email to get because the one i got said i if he can't be faithful to her he's got a real problem let's tell you what it said she emailed me about it tell me if this is the one you got okay what's up babe merry christmas that's the one to you i i don't know okay benji is really upset that i picked up so-and-so in front of him at ardy's show last wednesday and took those crazy photos with him that i put on my website i'm now dating this guy and we're going to the shooting range in the bike show i really need a badass i still like benji but it's just not enough okay now that's why okay so that goes along with what happened to me benji and ivy came to one of my stand-up shows at caroline's and after the show it was benji her and a guy and the creepiest thing happened the guy was introduced to me as a friend of ivy's and benji's like five feet away going back into my dressing room and ivy and the guy who's standing there and the guy says to me right in front of ivy he goes dude [ __ ] him you should be banging her to you yeah and then ivy and then ivy's like looking at that ain't right yeah i mean that was the it was the rudest thing somebody's ever said i'm like i didn't know how to react right so are you kidding and clearly they weren't kidding and i just heard it it must be hard though to date a guy who can't plan in advance well that's that's a lot what what happened really what's going on okay at the beginning at the beginning was all about sex like right i think any guy and then i started really having feelings and she started really having feelings but i told her real early on that i i'm still want to date other women you told me that and at first she was totally cool with that and um she was like that's not a problem and i even said and i i i know you weren't going to be even said lifestyle wise long long term i don't know if i want i would love a partner i don't know if i want monogamy lifestyle-wise okay initially she's she was okay with that but it's a man's world when you don't want monogamy look at the sweat glistening yeah i mean look at the rash on the side of his nose and look at the sweat and the obesity and i'm listening to this guy how he doesn't want monogamy looks like he just came out of working on the panama canal yellow fever does anybody have any salt tablets and i do like her very much i do i definitely develop feelings for her um so the first she was told that's not a problem that's totally cool but then she got really upset about it i i i thought i should tell her that early on so instead of like three months from now saying that you know it's a weird thing with guys a guy should always say to a girl you know hey let's let's try this out and see where it goes you have to keep telling her that's how she felt she was like why are you yeah but because i knew long term i want i'm gonna want to but you don't know what you're gonna want no i do know that i mean i i know that's my plan and and she was well he had i thought you don't plan love has no plan i know i want that's what i wanted so i thought i should be up front so are you upset that she's gone or you don't care well it's not she was very upset and there's like a lot of crying and a lot of she's she's upset like she'll say to you like were you cheating on her were you having not cheating but were you we seeing other women uh i didn't during that time but i said i i was planning to right and she would get it you don't even have enough yeah there was no other woman it's not why i say that what do you say why don't you say look you don't have any other women be with her and then when if you find a woman look i'm getting another woman there's a lot of women i couldn't i'm fantasizing my dating and that's not true i didn't want to just at first she was totally okay with it was she crying were you really sweaty and blotchy and rashed up while she was crying are you his crush yes there's been a few moments howard should i try and get ivy on the phone i'd love to hear her she would say to you together or not now because i'm sitting over here with a thing from broncosonic and i don't get the are you with her or not then we we said okay you know what let's let's let's let's try to date she said and you know we'll date other and i get people she had a guy way before you had a girl she tried to make me feel upset at artie's event i didn't think it was just that i said you know we won't do it in front of each other because she really wanted me so she went there and started hitting on a guy exactly oh that was see that that was a lame move i thought because i feel bad for you i don't know what was going on you were in the background you wouldn't have done that to her you wouldn't go to a girl and like start making out with her in front of her no no but we are still really close like we spent last night together you made love we spent like new year's eve together so i mean we're still figuring things out but uh but so who was that guy was that the guy she was hitting on in front of you i don't think the guy you're talking i think that's actually a guy she does some business with you know you remind me of and this is weird george clooney except you're fat and blotchy and ugly and sweaty but you're like but you have the lifestyle of george clooney george like you're saying i'm george looney george she kept saying like [Laughter] she was saying like you're saying like why not just do it it's good to be back see i sit home all angry i get in here get it all out it really is just killer that guys can be this way with the chicken his ivy is you know oh she's just got a really good body yeah she's beautiful and i think she's very sweet and uh i i thought it should be up front at the beginning but that's kind of yesterday it's lame dude it's like like i would date girls i knew that like i was interested in dating women but i didn't sit there every minute i just dated them and if things went great then you don't feel like dating anywhere because you don't know where it goes this is what i think i don't think i started dating beth i said there gee this is great let's see where it goes okay i don't think i'll probably ever want to i think i want a life party fine i don't think nobody wants to hear your philosophy just go out with her and then say you know hey you know i think i want to see other people but i want to see you too that's what i said i knew that's what i was going to wait till you find someone else i i'll have no problem finding the other woman to date i really won't really yes he won't he's george balloony yes you don't know who you're talking to us well hey here's benji uh eating out ivy here it is here's the tape hand hand oh giving a hand right he's using his hand on her not even his mouth oh yeah oh there it is rub your rash on my [ __ ] scratch your blotchy face hey did you ever make a woman sound like that i haven't the only one i was sitting on her by myself gotta hand it to you benji i gotta say i've never been able to do that this is where he gets his comments it's almost vomiting that i've done you made women vomit you get you get email from ivy supersonic dominic yeah i get two or three a day really a separate file for them but i also got calls from benji and i i don't know about benji's he's so truthful about him being willing to give her up because he was very sincere in trying to help her what yeah i am i still am and dominic i was actually kind of upset like he called the show and he said hey benji i'll help her out but then we called and you never called back that's dominic's move yeah you're not famous enough he gets bored easily i can intend people to help last year but the point you weren't one of them he helps everyone but you it was really nice for you to make the offer follow through yeah that would have been the nicest part i looked up the case and what i saw was disaster for her and unfortunately she's the one now being sued for course i couldn't help that okay all right well anyway yeah i do i definitely care about her there's no question i care about her yeah yeah but she had a tv show she was going to produce and i was going to be the judge on it i suggested that she contact you about that show there's a she's doing a show on fuse yeah there's not a quid pro quo going on here all right thank you donald yeah all right anyway so you are with her we're seeing each other you're working it out i don't know like we definitely have feelings for each other but it it doesn't look like it would work out probably but how many girls do you think are going to accept being a life partner in a non-monogamous you know probably for george baloney and wait till he's 60 and fatter and blotchier oh yeah i can't wait i can't wait i think a lot of women would jump at the chance well you know who i'm with george balloony oh george clooney no no no no no east coast george baloney ivy balloon before you met beth you didn't tell any of the women that you're dating that hey i'm just dating right now yes i did but you know i wasn't all rashed up when i told them how many women but once you start [ __ ] a girl it's probably classier to stay with that person and then when you're done [ __ ] them you break up and you move on [ __ ] multiple people at the same time i said within the first couple days this is my probably my lifestyle she said i'm totally okay with that yeah but but it isn't your lifestyle you were [ __ ] her you were getting intimate with her and then when you're done with that you move on yeah and you say to her listen i'm having feelings for other people and i'm not going to [ __ ] you while i [ __ ] other women even if there were another one you got to be a class act in life george you don't understand i want to but i don't want that i don't want just the [ __ ] one i have daughters right i don't need them getting [ __ ] by some guy while he's busy he's telling him i'm going to go [ __ ] a bunch of other girls right you think it's immoral no it's it's not immoral it's just you know why are you [ __ ] ivy yeah if you're not that into her i'm very into her so then be into her for now and then when if if things change you want to hammer them it ain't gonna happen chicks don't put up with that [ __ ] yeah you want her to be your stand your go-to girl while you go out and do other things unless her low self-esteem is so low so you think any chick doing that has low self-esteem of course i don't i do come on okay [ __ ] you and [ __ ] while you're [ __ ] the same way like that people treated gay people years ago i don't know what you're talking about now he's a guy hefner huge hefner george balooni huge hefner she says most guys cheat it would be a lot easier just to do that and i feel wrong you're right you shouldn't cheat you'd be upfront with her and say listen i've met someone else but that's not what i what you're saying is you're not that into her right you don't get your definition you don't care about her feelings i do what you care about is benji's fear i care you know what robin i could i jewish balloonies i could have just been definitely huge huge i could have not said a word and we could have definitely had a relationship and i could you don't hear me you care about you you don't care about her i think it's because i care i told her right away cheating is is probably not good either but it is the most normal thing what you do is you yeah you you go out with a chick and you begin when you begin to [ __ ] it's a whole different level for a chick for you it's just sticking your dick in something but for a chick it's like oh my god he's putting his penis in me i'm allowing him in there well it's a whole thing i'm engulfing him so and they have emotions they don't just [ __ ] anything [ __ ] on my hand yeah so so you're having all this intimacy with her and then afterwards you go hey i want other women i want other women this is what you're basically saying or so what you do is you're with her now and then when you feel that if you want to start dating youtube right or it is working but you you want to date and things like that you you in a class while you sit here down you say ivy i don't want to be having sex with you while i'm dating other women it's i think this has come to an end for me i'm having feelings like i want to be with someone other than you and that's a class act i don't think that will ever go away those feelings but i still want to have like a life partner i don't know what that means a life party a marriage i want to be married but you probably wouldn't define it as marriage i want to be i probably you know i don't necessarily be married married means married means being with one i don't listen you don't want to be mine i think it's fine what bubba does but i don't you want a mommy to come home to at night who's going to clean and cook and [ __ ] you okay someone else you'll be with her and you can have all your cake and eat it look when bubba comes on the show and talks about you know he him and his wife have sex with another woman right that's different why is that that's a agreement between the two of you and that's what i'm i'm potentially looking for no you're not why robin i know you want to swing you want to have a partner that you swing with probably yeah well that's not what you said to ivy but you you [ __ ] her first and then you're telling her if you said to her listen i want to be with you and once in a while bring another woman and how do you feel about that and she said i'm into that right if she said i'm not into it you say well i don't want to give you up i'll be just with you this is what i said if i have those feelings we won't be together that's what you say all right right now you don't have the feelings to be with other oh you do people feelings then you'll be honest with him you should let her go but let her go and go find someone you want to be you have feelings to be with other women also but you don't feel it's wrong i'd rather be with beth that's the difference all right and so right now you could have just taken the attitude i'd rather be with ivy than any other woman on the planet and when i start to feel that i want to be with a different woman i'll tell her but i i'm looking for a woman that's open to that but she's not open to that that's that but she told me at first she was oh well now she's not i don't know benji never said uh we should have threesomes he was talking about being in other relationships you know why am i explaining life to you you know what you want a lover that won't drive you crazy right i i do care about her feelings and i i am trying to treat her well well you're not you're not you're not hearing what i'm saying you're not treating her well well you're telling i'm [ __ ] after you [ __ ] her you're selling to her hey guess what i'm [ __ ] you but i can't wait to go [ __ ] some other brothers don't see what they're saying it's like in other words you say it's to me you probably don't know this but they're probably that guy out there you'd fall in love with who you would imagine there's a girl that rocks your world and she's like you're benji i just [ __ ] you but i can't wait to go out i i i want to [ __ ] other people i how are you going to feel i'm going to feel like wow can't you just like can't we just enjoy the moment for a second here what do you think most got girls you know what you should date you should date a dead person because a dead person is open to anything i'm not attracted to a drag dragon around like weekend at bernie's listen i got to move on thinking of you making love makes me sick there probably is a girl out there i guarantee there's a girl out there that you would love enough to just be with her and nobody else and what you say in the ivy is you look you're not that girl right but it's also a a way to avoid intimacy to say you know what i sort of like you but i think i want to go out and look for other people that way you never get to really delve into what your relationship could be with the particular person all right you know what let's not waste our breath this is crazy you're you're robbing yourself you really always seem to sort of have a chip on your shoulder about me oh god oh of course i do yeah yeah i'm glad you picked up on it who doesn't have a chip on his shoulder about i'm trying to teach you really want me to sit here and coddle you you want me to cuddle you is that what you're saying or you want to learn you want to learn from somebody who's lived life listen i i think you're you know in a bottle i think you treat people well basically off air right and you tr i think you treat bath well and if you guys have a great relationship but you wouldn't even know i i don't that's what i think i'm telling you what my philosophy is right when i'm putting it in some broad it's wrong to sit there afterwards and tell her how you want to date other people date her and then when you're done dating her you say listen i'm not feeling it right now i'm done you don't think there's a girl out there you could fall in love with to be i think it's fantastic you think it's fair to [ __ ] a chick and then tell her you want to go [ __ ] other girls you think that's nice no what do you do when you're the best way to you're into it right now right tomorrow might you might wake up and say i don't want to be with ivy anymore but don't keep don't keep stringing her along into this weird [ __ ] sadistic game of yours i think it would be it's a disney i think it would be wrong to like trying to trick someone into something like that and then trade yours down the road you're just being mean you're a mean guy what are you drinking i really don't think i'm a mean guy you're mean you're mean you don't understand why you mean what you mean i'm like warren beefy like when you were when you were when you were just dating go ahead how did you approach it i i did some wrong things so how would you approach it now i would date someone and then when i and then i i felt if i didn't feel it for some reason that i wanted to see other people i would sit them down and say look i i enjoy you as a person i think you're great i don't want to be hurtful here but i'm i'm going to move on so you would if if you were back in that time you would never date more than one woman at a time yes that's correct you would you'd feel that's okay that's the right thing to do okay i i i don't think it's wrong if you're up well what are you talking about dating i'm talking about when you start [ __ ] a girl you're here okay you don't have three on the line [ __ ] them all at the same time that's what i'm doing so any guy that does that you think is probably treating a woman wrong okay i do i believe that okay i think it's fair to just you know these women think you know gee he's feeling something for me he's [ __ ] me we know that we're not feeling anything for them it's it's me it's mean so you you really shouldn't you [ __ ] chick you st you hang in there and you see what it's you [ __ ] her because you enjoy her and don't [ __ ] girls you don't enjoy because you know what they're going to be wrecked over i mean not you know you know you know no you're not wrecking so many people so fast don't think that you're wrecking anybody well it's not right that's all it's not necessarily right but i doubt if benji could actually write i'm very sorry for you how benji is treating you and i say that in all sincerity thank you i i feel rather badly about it i think that maybe he just needs to grow up i don't understand who he really wants to be sleeping with and who's [ __ ] benji other than me and right you know let him go out and play the field and and try it now that i've promoted how wonderful his hands are how great he is and he's such a great guy maybe he'll find somebody now that that the point is he's with you right now be with you and if it doesn't work out sit you down and say ivy it hasn't worked out i'm good goodbye yeah maybe we'll look out for ivy maybe he'll have that every night you're [ __ ] her you're having intimacy that's an important step for you you're going to legal meetings with her i mean because i care about her yeah she knows i do well if you care about her think about what you're saying right i mean i was blown away to me it's not my type i don't even know how we got into this relationship but we did get into it and i really liked him i mean to me i'm thinking wait i have all these guys when i'm dating i have a whole long list and i stopped dating everybody right to be with him right of course not even my type he's not a badass i mean he's a nice person right and so you try it and you date and if it if one person where it goes right benji you're conducting your life in the wrong way well wait did he tell you that he hooked me up on jj and i met a guy well because i told her that she uh what are you doing because she's dating listen we talked about dating other people and she's always dated kind of more like that dating because and i said if she really wants to get married it'd be better to meet guys that are probably looking all right you know what so then stop [ __ ] her stop let her go meet a guy who's you're trying to hold on and [ __ ] other people you're up to a sick sadistic game let this woman go sit her down and say ivy we can't see each other anymore and let her go sincerely date someone you're leading her on that she she that's right i i i can't go out with other people and sleep with other people and him too right because you're not a pig right i you you have feelings and benji she's got feelings i i know and i think she's you know she's a character she's got the tattoos but meanwhile but meanwhile she's a woman i know that somewhere in you know i care about you right well i know you care about me but you care about yourself right yeah yeah you're your top priority i do want what's best for her that's why no you don't yes i do you wouldn't have then you would stop seeing her right then you'd stop seeing her if you cared about it you wouldn't have even started up you'd know here's what i suspect for her you really enjoy this woman and instead of just saying you know what i'm going to come home every day and enjoy this yeah and you know what and if it doesn't work out and the feelings become stronger but at least you don't know anything you don't know how you're going to feel today you're not with anyone else right howard but if i think that that's a problem stop it that's your way of distancing yourself you're [ __ ] this woman you're putting your [ __ ] in her every [ __ ] night you're eating her out and everything and then you listen to me you and your magic hand you go and see you go and see where things will go and if it doesn't go anywhere you're not hurting her saying i'm gonna i have to go [ __ ] other people after you just [ __ ] her but if i know up then say goodbye then don't get involved say i'm not interested i can never see anyone monogamous i must relate you probably shouldn't be with me because i'll hurt you you shouldn't be dating when you're seeing ivy that's it see where ivy goes and if ivy doesn't work out then you you have to be a pig and you know what you're a guy like you want everything in the world for you baby you want everything wow wow put something in my mouth you're with this woman now be with her see where it goes if you care about it and if it doesn't go anywhere you say goodbye now if you're telling me you're not going anywhere with her say goodbye now but you won't do that if you cared about it say goodbye right now say ivy i don't want to see you anymore say it ivy i you know how much i care about good that's good and because i care about you if it's best for us not to be no no no no you don't want to see her anymore you want to see other women and she's not into that but no i'm would you let me say what i want to say no you say it all wrong all right you don't know how to talk you think you're george clooney ivy howard's gonna make a statement for me okay well i i ivy i don't want to this is benji talking i don't want to see you anymore i'm not in love with you and i'm never going to be in love with you but you're a great girl i hope we can remain friends and i'm going to go out now and find some great woman and i think you are wonderful i wish you all the luck in the world but wait that's howard i i don't know i'm just still that's you you would love to watch still [ __ ] her confuse her no you want to [ __ ] her tonight and then come on the air and say how you're looking for other girls ivy ivy said torture the girl some more benji comes along with his olive oil hair and guinea charm you're blotchy [ __ ] you're doing the wrong thing here would have been wrong like ivy i mean i did tell her the first couple days you know we know that you set up all your rules but meanwhile you started [ __ ] yeah but then you're pursuing her and pursuing her it doesn't matter what you're saying it's what you're doing so everyone can talk you've got full you're full of words and thoughts but you're [ __ ] happy he's not tommy lee or kid rock he's not right no he's john he's george huge heifer ivy yeah i do want what's best for you i want her to be happier well then tell her what i just said thing i've talked because i do have feelings for it but like you're no you don't have feeling if you cared about it you tell her the truth yeah but i have feelings i have feelings for youtube edgy i have something for robin for howard but already for everybody right that means nothing that's right he's he's fast i have not benefited from ivy's feelings for me you like [ __ ] her you know what i suspect you really do have feelings for her instead of like instead of just deserves her like let's go explore this and if it doesn't work out no you can't do that you're going to keep putting up roadblocks right he's fat damon you know what enjoy being with ivy now if that's what you're into and if you're not say goodbye to her and leave her the [ __ ] alone that's what someone who cares does you don't [ __ ] them over oh i hope for my daughters that some guy who sees them is honest with them it doesn't stick his dick in them and then and then two days later he says oh man i'm gonna keep sticking my dick in you and torturing you but by the way i'm gonna see other girls too but i don't understand like with bubba like that's just i get this what about him and his wife incorporate into their sex life other people that's different so would it have been good for her to tell him that her that up front he did that's how they conducted their lives all along if you're if you were dating ivy right and you and ivy are you know into each other and you're [ __ ] all the stuff and ivy i knew you're at a club one night and a chick gets hits on ivy and she says i'd like to do the two of you which i can't believe would happen but but let's say it does like she sees you breaking out in a rash and goes i want to be with you i can see her locking you in the closet and taking ivy maybe but uh i don't see it happening but let's say it happened so that's fine that's within the the confines of your relationship and ivy's into it and you're into it that's a whole different story what you're doing listen it was amazing this chick every [ __ ] night setting up house and then coming home and i could abuse her husband going guess what i'm gonna go date other people right you're being a [ __ ] yeah i mean you're letting them live like a rock star at that point i mean i and ivy whatever her situation she's somehow putting up with this horse [ __ ] it was me strong for the both of you it was a mixture of two different things one i know that's what the lifestyle i want and two i also we got super close so quick but i knew i was in a period of my life that i still want a date right so tell her goodbye and go date right let's see who you come up with and you don't have to get super close with anybody if you're not into being close right i love being close to people i do this is again i would like to stick my dick in ivy right now yeah okay i mean be fun but i don't want to [ __ ] over beth and i care about ivy i care more about ivy than you do honest to god i don't want to [ __ ] ivy and give her that weird sort of like oh my god the guy just [ __ ] me what does that mean yeah yeah you might have a mistake i made well countdown i ivy i will be there we won't have sex anymore i'll be there for whatever i already broke up with you last week and i told you that this is this is a platonic relationship you're not understanding me yeah but but you you [ __ ] him last night did he did she they [ __ ] last night he came over to have sex and then he tells me that he wants to see other people that's not wait that's not what happened last night so what happened last night you brought me home new year's eve okay new year's eve and i told you that i met somebody on jj i'm going gonna marry them in january right that we're done so you had sex with her on new year's eve uh yeah new year's day yeah after the new year's eve party yeah well you're leading her a long way but this is wait i've i've got you're confusing her upset because she likes you this is what she said she said i don't want to like it doesn't matter what she said she likes you she [ __ ] you not many women will [ __ ] you unless they like you she likes you i like her and what you're doing is after you have this incredible sex you're telling her i want to go see that's not what happened that's not what i said that's what you're saying here that's what you're saying what did you say what are you saying or i want to let's just let's say what happened like last new year's eve well you know for christmas you weren't going to be here i mean i was sick and you stayed here and dressed to santa okay you are going to spend christmas with me and to me that's my holiday and new year's you couldn't tell me if you were going to stay with me either so i mean finally i got you to go to wycliffe's party and what could i say and so it was five in the morning and i went home with you on new year's and i was like this is this is ivy i'm sorry i gotta move on i don't know what he said people want people want more more from the show than this i mean i'm sorry i'm caught i don't feel need to say i i i don't even care do whatever you want all right i feel bad for ivy can i make a final statement yeah i care about ivy very much all right [ __ ] all right we heard that already yeah how much you care you're just in it for tickets to wycliffe's party that's right what need him howard and robin should beat you with a whip i can't believe at wycliffe's party somebody didn't throw benji in a closet and just leave him in there all night all right thank you ivy thank you right ivy supersonic who is currently in some bizarre relationship with no she's out of it it's just platonic now she's marrying some guy yeah that she meant on j-date sounds like uh there's a stable relationship seriously you know i like you a lot you're saying that to benji yeah i like benji a lot wow i don't believe you either i'm all right i'm lying but listen to me you're not doing the right thing i've learned you're doing the wrong well you know you'd be the wrong person to give advice then since you're like oh don't have the fun i don't listen i learned that it was seven years i've been with beth but my point is you're like the reformed drug addict who says ah don't do drugs don't drink because she doesn't know he's hurting the girl he doesn't get it and then also knows that you're probably going to get into trouble with the booze i'm just saying well you do have to learn certain things on your own one lady if you want to date that's fine dating but you start putting it in the end to what you're into right but how do you do that without telling them no no no no no no no i i got you haven't benefited from my conversation i'm really trying to i mean you'll never understand it all right it would require it would require certain intelligence i'd explain it to you but i'm a [ __ ] too i don't know artie's out there he's screwing everything i don't want to know i don't want to be close to anybody right he has two different women over there but what do you tell the marty you don't tell them that you're there for the do they know it's a one-night stand well no i count on them making up that their minds on their own after the sex exactly dory yeah he doesn't have to explain anything there's nobody sounding like ivy with you break how many how many different women did you have sex with uh those say don't take away the one you're two yeah and who are these women i met them on jade they would you mean the clubs yeah well well you know over the past year uh you know uh one was repeat business you know not uh no not not not a long-term thing i mean you know i'm definitely not alone but you're gonna call each of these women yeah sure all right and they know that you're like look they know i want a life partner but i don't want to i hear you look at me i'm george balloony dorian you're on the air in washington d.c and i'm paygo mortensen pego mortensen all right dorian you're on the air oh my goodness yes dorian well dorian is gone i'm actually dating a fat girl obese witherspoon now john how does howard manage to make something that's about your family a joyous occasion for your daughter into this whole honor rap about how it's you know something that people shouldn't see you doing and it's just it became about him well that's that's howard you know the whole show is about howard and him and how he feels about stuff that's what makes it great and uh i'll tell you we invited him out of like genuine we'd love to have him comes i sit on air my daughter's met him a couple times and we would be funny we didn't expect him to come but uh that's the way he feels that's the way he feels what are we gonna do he saw it as an opportunity for a check or something like that it was not an opportunity for a check we weren't looking for the money we were looking for him to come and enjoy the occasion and clearly his hebrew school had an effect on how he feels about these affairs so he won't be there unfortunately but a lot of folks here will and i have a feeling it's going to be a good time right so what is this event cleared up for people who don't know much about it because howard seemed to sort of cloud it with his interpretation of a blah blah blah when a jewish kid turns 13 they have a bar or a bat mitzvah it's a boy it's a bar mitzvah it's a girl it's a bat mitzvah it's my daughter so it's a bat mitzvah and it's to celebrate them coming of age theoretically uh for most kids though it's the end of hebrew school which they're all thrilled about and then they get a big party at the end so my daughter will be doing that you know she'll go through and read the prayers and then afterwards there's a reception we're gonna have about a little over 200 people and uh just a huge party a lot of fun a lot of food a lot of drinking everybody have a good time so it's gonna be a good time for everyone but but howard types i guess so i guess howard wouldn't enjoy that and i respect that you know and uh what can i say i'm sorry he's not coming i'm glad everybody else is all right good luck saturday thank you have fun we'll see what happens all right are you upset the way things unfolded this morning well yeah i mean i do feel first of all i feel sad because i really do care about ivy and i and i think she's a wonderful woman and uh it's i mean basically it's it's you know the relationship is deeper than just what comes out on the air and uh i want what's best for her so you think howard and rob and everyone simplified it into the you just wanting a physical relationship and you were hurting her and no i mean you know i listen i i don't know how to answer because i i uh i have a lot of care for her and uh i want her to be happy and if if us seeing each other is not good for her you know i want what's best for her she deserves it yeah so if that means no more benji you know whether it be i don't i think listen i think in some way i don't know maybe we'll become great friends maybe uh maybe we have great time together and we definitely care for each other and uh so i don't know what will happen you know but uh i'm sure i'm sure we'll be you know i don't know what to say you seem genuinely upset i'm sad i am sad i am sad because um you know we were just just uh a couple hours ago we were not not having sex but we were in bed talking and hugging and touching and caring for each other during our cold so and she makes she's made me feel wonderful and so yeah it is sad you know if this could be the end of us it's sad it's definitely sad now does it add to your sadness when howard and fred and already and robin are chiming in and start disparaging your looks and calling you george balloony and thinking so that was funny that was funny because a lot of times that stuff that stuff shakes you though because you don't like to have everyone knows and that's funny because it's like i i happen to be an extremely good looking guy and so it's just they're making jokes so that's okay no jealousy no it's just it's funny i am overweight and it was a it was a very funny uh you know angle to take with it right well man i wish you luck and i hope things work out man greg wishes you luck now you're set hey i'm off air but someone has a camera on me yeah but i uh i i it comes out so weird on the air you know what i mean uh okay so how much did you hear the beginning or yeah i basically i i just i said how at the beginning i said uh you know i i wanted i want to that's sort of my lifestyle i want to date other women and at first you're okay with it then you weren't um they were talking about different emails they got from you robin talked about an email that she got i don't i don't remember do you remember what robin's email said i'm talking to greg something about um something to the effect of that she can't handle you being not being monogamous oh or i need to mature i need to grow up and learn i need to learn about monogamy and then jd got one then what did jay do you say i can't remember or you needed more of a badass edgy guy something like that everyone got emails did you get an email greg no i'm a little bit i'm a little bit pissed i'm gonna put you on speaker okay all right you there didn't get an email he's turning to you no i didn't get one oh my god maybe i don't have your email address i'm gonna have to make sure wait if i hang up i'll just stay on speaker hold on one sec okay okay all right so to talk to me i i just you know everything gets like so uh simplified on the air i'll call you after the show and we'll talk okay okay are they tearing you anyway yeah yeah but that's okay i mean somebody needs to tear you a new [ __ ] okay i mean yes i don't know who can whip you into shape i mean it's definitely not me i don't have the energy to do it maybe howard and robin could do it i don't know but everything they found they said to you while i was on the air i mean was 100 all right they're right all right i don't understand where you learn this type of behavior it's like acting like you're in a [ __ ] barnyard all right but listen i don't want to get an argument especially not on camera but i don't know i don't want to argue with you i just wanted to tell you exactly you know how it is all right but you know you know like because they're going to try to make it out into something that it wasn't now and uh [Music] well i don't know about all that but i guess we'll see all right well let me ask you a question i i need to go to the i do need to go to the dentist uh wait you're right i mean i can't look at that mouth anymore am i can we just go on friday please if you want we'll figure it out okay i'll call you after the show today okay all right but let me talk to her off camera okay oh here's jd he said what would you what'd your email say jamie you just dropped on my [ __ ] i said that uh i said that um she needed to date a badass that's jd oh okay i do need to date a badass i mean and maybe jd could teach you how to be a badass that's actually his name i don't know what that thug had looks like you're on your way it's like calling you know a fat guy skinny you know what i'm saying it's i'm not a badass at all actually his name on the internet is the badass all right well it's true i do need to date a badass all right all right well so anyway i'm gonna make an appointment i'm gonna talk to you off camera for a sec okay okay but i i if since we're still on camera i want the world to know i think ivy is a wonderful beautiful very sweet very incredibly sweet person this incredibly sweet woman who made me feel so good [Music] that's sweet baby all right we'll leave it at that we'll leave you two uh love birds and turmoil bee