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so this is where I get to draw out for you the quadrants and how they fit together and how they work and it's one of my favorite things I'll have to admit I mean I'm an engineer at heart so this is where I get to like think in flowcharts which is the way I usually think so here's how it came about when I started playing this with my clients and and to the degree that my friends would let me with my friends what I noticed was for each it each particular thing that we were doing like if I said how do you want me to touch you or they said how do you want me to touch you all you know whatever combination there was there were two questions or two factors one is who's that who's doing the doing and the other is who's giving and who's receiving or who is it for so you can look at one person touching another and you can say with pretty good certainty who's doing the doing that's clear but who is it for that's a different question and it's not always who it looks like it's not always by definition for the person who's being done to so this this chart will if you've played the 3-minute game and if you've gone through the lessons this will explain what you've already noticed this is just a way to see it visually but you've already felt it if you haven't done that and you're just starting out the process by watching this video it may or may not make any sense in fact it probably won't and if you find yourself sort of scratching your head like what is she talking about what how can that work remember then that's because you haven't felt it in your hands when you feel it in your hands this will become very obvious it just sort of falls in your lap so so after I was playing the 3-minute game a while and I noticed there's a difference here who is doing is a different question than who it's for and so I noticed that they they fit together that those two questions two factors overlap and so into think of it like this so one person is doing the other person is being done to the other factor is who's giving and who's receiving and it's like in the old paradigm there was one line the doer was the giver and the receiver was the one that's being done to but we've taken that one line and gone so now there's two lines two different factors and this is how they overlap so what you've already played with in the lessons and in the 3-minute game here's how they fit together when you are not on the doing half you're either giving it's for them or you're receiving it's for you and knowing the difference is what makes them each really great when you're on the done to half you're either giving that you're giving your body for them to be able to play with or you're receiving you're being touched in the way you want so those are two options and when you're on the giving half you're either giving a gift of doing or you're giving a gift of access letting yourself be done to and when you're on the receiving half you're either receiving what someone's doing to you you're being done to or you're receiving the gift of being able to do what you want to do so let's name them which you've already done in the lesson so when you're doing and you're giving this is what most people call give and it's sort of the normal or right way the most comfortable way that most people think of is giving the the essential dynamic here is like a massage a massage is clearly for the benefit of the person who's on the receiving end of it so when you're doing and giving that's give and your partner over here is being done to and they're receiving the gift so I call that receive and this is this what most people call receive it's a different use of the word than this receive so remember back at the beginning we talked about receiving receiving can mean being on the receiving end of some action or it can also mean receiving a gift whatever form that gift may take well this refers to the fact that it's a gift for you it comes in different forms this receive refers to both of those happen to be happening at the same time you're on the receiving end of being done to and also you're receiving a gift so that's a give and receive and giving and receiving the the action goes this way and the gift also goes that way and the sort of as I said the quintessential example of this as a massage okay so that's giving you receiving but not the other one so in lesson two when you are feeling your lover's hand or feeling your partner's hand for it just to enjoy for yourself you are doing and you are also receiving the gift and this is what we call taking and as I explained their take is a word that can have a lot of connotations for different people and can have what I've noticed as it can be a little off-putting so what's important to know about this form of taking or the taking quadrant is that it's not stealing it's not using it's not usurping you're not taking away something sometimes people really have a hard time just getting over the word but the taking quadrant is receiving a gift and you're receiving a gift by taking action so it's like you have to go and collect that gift you have to take action to collect the gift and the gift that you're receiving is the gift of access to the other person so the taking and and receiving that I mean I'm sorry when you're doing and you're receiving the gift of access you're in the taking quadrant your partner is over here they are giving the gift of letting themselves be done to so that is allowing and again allowing is not putting up with tolerating and during going along with or subjecting yourself to it's a true gift in which you give access to yourself gladly and with a full heart it's a true gift so you're giving a gift and the gift is essentially you letting yourself be done too so that's allowing in the taking and allowing dynamic the action goes that way but the gift goes the opposite way goes from the allow our to the taker and so you can see that that the dynamics are opposite and if you were to look in the window at two people you know one person stroking someone else's arm you'd be able to tell who is doing and who is being done to but you would not be able to tell probably who is actually giving the gift and what the gift was you couldn't really tell who is it for by looking so the quintessential example of this dynamic is um ravishing and we'll come back to that what you might notice is that a massage this dynamic is available in many many different kinds of relationships many different kinds of situations not only a professional massage therapist but you and your partner you're rubbing your grandmother's feet you're holding your children to comfort them you're having some physical therapy and the the person's moving your joints around all those fall in this dynamic because they are for the benefit of the person who's being done to and yeah lots of different flavors of this lots of different reasons for this lots of different kinds of situations in which it's appropriate this dynamic taken allow if you went to your massage therapist and they started out giving to you but pretty soon it felt like they were just feeling you up major creep so this this dynamic almost always happens only among lovers the other place that you'll see it is in small children where they're you know you pick up a small child and they want to reach out and stick their finger in your nose and feel your hair and just sort of feel you and climb on you and experience you that can also be this but among adults it pretty much is only happens among lovers and this is why I call this particular dynamic the lovers touch and we'll come back to that later so two different dynamics you want them both in your life at least I do most people feel like this is the right kind and that therefore it's kind of the only kind that's available and they think that even in sexual play or lovemaking this is the only right kind and this kind gets sort of for most people they don't even know it's there don't know how to find it or it's very using because what you know what do they really want what's about consent all that stuff which you know will be going into but for most people this is just absent or really misunderstood or very scary or confusing or lots of stuff and yet among lovers this is the one that really lets you play and express your eroticism and express your desire for your partner so in life you want all four and in your relationship particularly with your lover you want all four want to be able to access all four so the other thing that's important to know here is that what actually creates these and they exist only within a certain condition and that is consent these things happen within the circle of consent and only within the circle of consent so consent most people think of consent as meaning permission and when you hear people say yes I give consent what they mean is I give permission but permission is only one kind of consent and it's not always the kind that fits your situation consent as I'm using it here is in a much broader meaning which means it's the agreement what's our agreement who wants what who's doing what and for whom is it so when we have consent it not only includes what's the activity but it includes what's who's it for whose desire are we following and so when I say may I feel your legs and you say sure then we have consent and because I have said may I and I've asked for permission to do what I want to do that consent creates this dynamic may I feel your legs and you say yes you may so we're doing this if I say how would you like to be touched or would you like you look tired would you like a foot rub I'm making an offer to go here and you're saying yes I would love that and now you're here so again it's our agreement that has created this dynamic so all of this happens only within the circle of consent and it's the consent that creates the dynamic that's how you know which one you're in it's also true for each of these that each of them is distinct from the other none of them are the same as the other it's easy to confuse via see when you're in it if you before you learn how to tell the difference you can sometimes be not sure which one of these you're in or you can sometimes be sure not what you want to which one of these you're in but once you learn them and understand that your agreement is creating that then each of these is a very distinct experience is different from the others and each of them is inherently pleasurable in fact if it's not pleasurable you're not really quite in it something's off and the the fact that it's pleasurable is one of the signs one of the signs that you're in it it's not the only sign however because they're all pleasurable so the fact that you are experiencing pleasure does not indicate which quadrant you are in so you I can be allowing you to feel me up in whatever way we've agreed to and it may feel fabulous to me oh therefore I feel good I'm experiencing pleasure so I must be over here I guess know what determines what quadrant you're in is the agreement that you have made not the fact that you're experiencing pleasure because they all are pleasurable each of them will also challenge you in its own particular way there are some themes that are pretty common I'll be talking about those but they're also unique to you that each of these will challenge you in a different way and quite often the challenge is because you don't quite know who it's for and usually once that clicks then the rest of it starts to make sense and so it opens up for you so each of them is distinct each of them is created by the agreement each of them has its own challenge for you and each of them has a particular AHA or a gift for you each of them has its own way that it frees you that liberate cyou and each of them also and free and I'll give you an example that taking is the one that's hardest for almost everybody and and until you if you don't know that this even exists or you kind of have an idea but it looks horrible just terribly scary because it seems selfish if you don't have access to this one then the only option you have for touching anyone is this one and so you're here pretty much all the time but the problem is that if you don't really have access to this one this one's going to be kind of muddy and mixed up and confused because it's trying to do more than what it's really there for you're trying to get something by giving and so when you learn how to access this you become free to play here which you weren't free to play here before and that means you start to understand that yes sure enough you are allowed to touch and enjoy and be with this person and your your desire and curiosity about them can come out and play which doesn't really get to come out and play here much your desire your curiosity about them your ability just to move and express yourself in ways that are spontaneous send authentic for you all that comes out of here it doesn't come here so this when you access this a lot of things get more freed up like confidence is really what's born here too but it doesn't come from here so that's an example and they all have those examples then I'll come back to those we'll be talking about each of them separately they also in my experience each have a particular kind of a spiritual nugget or an emotional AHA or sort of a gift filt you can think of this philosophical however you want to think of it but but I've noticed this for me and I've know certain a lot of other people too so I will I will come back to those in a moment so I've said elsewhere that this experience is kind of a microcosm for how we approach relationships in our lives in general and as I've pondered my own life as I've explored this over the years and made enough mistakes to sink a battleship and to really clear it up for me what I've noticed is this the sort of the the essence of giving is that you're taking action for the benefit of somebody else so you're taking action to benefit someone else and that's the essence of giving and that's called service we want to be able to have that we want to have lives in which we are useful to other people and offer service whether we get rewarded or not and so that's a really important part of life and would be a pretty tale life without the ability and access to do that so giving is about taking action to benefit others and this is also called serving in fact often I call this quadrant serving because it's just easier for me to keep track of so receiving is the ability to benefit from the action of others or receive the benefit of someone else's actions also a really important skill to have in life it would be a pretty paltry life as well if you didn't know how to receive benefit from someone else's actions so that's that the essence of those two the essence of taking is taking action for your own benefit also a pretty important thing to be able to do in your life in our society we have a very confusing relationship with this dynamic here taking action for your own benefit on the one hand we we think of ourselves we think of our culture's being you know me me me just get what I can sort of hedonistic and we do have a certain ability as a culture to be incredibly selfish in regards to how we treat the rest of the world that's a whole different topic but we're taking action for our benefit all the time on the other hand what I've noticed is that most people have a have a pretty big difficulty actually entering this quadrant and experiencing pleasure in a very direct simple tange away and I believe those two are connected I'll talk about that later in the taking quadrant but but I think that the our inability to actually experience real pleasure really contributes to our ability to our tendency to grab grab grab grab everything in sight so I'll come back to that there so anyway taking the essence of it is taking action for our own benefit in the essence of allowing means allowing others to take action for their benefit even if it affects us allowing others to take a benefit even if it affects us or you maybe even shortly saying allowing others to benefit from us so the gift that we're giving here is ourselves the gift that we're giving here is our action so that's our the the the essential elements of what they are the kind of spiritual nugget that that I have found here you may find something different but this is what's been true for me the the gift and the aha in the giving quadrant has been serving this is serving that's a spiritual path all its own and I've also learned here too what the real meaning of generosity is so serving and generosity and the the spiritual aha here for me has been gratitude in states of receiving quadrant when you have time and you really just melt and delve into it and and just there's a sort of an altered state that you can get into there because it's just you and your sensation you're not trying to do anything back there's some really deep and profound states that you get in here that that are available no other way that's true of all of them there are states that are available no other way but the just experience in your body with that much sensation and that much pleasure doesn't have to be sexual even but that really has weight wakened for me my awareness of gratitude allowing this is about surrender surrender is a word again there's a lot of meanings to surrender and this particular microcosm of surrender you're surrendering to the other person in this one you could have surrendered to your sensation that's true but in this one you're surrendering to the other person and so you take responsibility for what your limits are and you don't give up that you don't surrender that but once you make that agreement of how they may enjoy you play with you and use you then you get to just surrender and all it's also a kind of generosity and also profound States there and surrender is also a spiritual path or spiritual spiritual principle all its own so this is where you get to really explore that the taking quadrant kind of really surprised me because what I found here was integrity and here's how I noticed that if I want to do something and I don't know that it's okay for me to want that or even sort of how to want that then what I have to do is to offer to do it and sort of pretend that it's for you so if I want to get my hands on you and just enjoy you because you feel yummy to me if I don't know how to do that or even that it's accessible or it's possible or that it's permissible then what am I going to do I'm going to offer to give you a massage but giving you a massage it's true I'll get my hands on you but it's not really what I want it I just want to feel you up so in the taking quadrant you learn to take full responsibility for what it is that you want to do and the fact that you do want to do it and that has taught me integrity and what I've come to realize here and I'll talk about this later in the consent video is that then this in particular has taught me that is that if there is something that I want and it involves another person the only thing to do that has integrity is to ask for it that means hinting making an offer trying to get you to want it or just taking it anyway those none of those have integrity the only thing that has integrity is if I want something that has to do with you the only thing for me to do is ask for it this is what taught me that okay so the circle of consent all this happens only because you have an agreement you can feel like you're in one or the other but it's your agreement that determines where you actually are what happens most often in heterosexual sexual relationships is that the man thinks he's here because he's doing all the stuff that he thinks he's supposed to do and that hopefully she likes he thinks he's here and because he feels like he's here he assumes that she is here but she is feels like she's here because she's letting him do all the stuff that he likes to do and our sort of cultural paradigm about heterosexual sex is that he does the stuff and she lets him do the stuff so she feels like she's here well if she feels like she's here she assumes that he's here and so she has this idea in her mind that well he's just doing what he wants to do doesn't really care what I want to do what I want and he has this in his mind well she's getting all the benefit of me doing all the work and you know I'm done most it all work so they're both over here so who's receiving anything actually nobody it's not to say that you can't find some enjoyment there people find enjoyment there and that's where they spend many people spend their entire lives trying to do that so the point here is that whichever one you feel like you're in you will assume your partner's in the opposite one if you feel like you're here you'll assume your partner's here if you feel like you're here you'll assume your partner's here and most people feel like they're in the giving quadrants most of the time so how you feel is not an indication of which one you're in and the fact that's pleasurable is not an indication of which one you're in what indicates what determines which one you're in is what did you agree to be in then find that one and stay in it and the more you solidly you stay in yours the more solidly the other person can stay in theirs and so when particularly if you're a couple and you're learning this together what you'll find is that as you each get better at being clear about which one you're in the you learn together to hold it so that you're more firmly in the one that you've agreed to be in and then you can dive in deeper and deeper and deeper and that's when it gets really fun so one more part that I want to add here and then I will take these apart and look at each of them that's this so we've been talking about what happens inside the circle of consent it's also possible to have the same dynamic but without consent so each of these quadrants has a shadow and this is what they are the giving if you are sort of stuck here or you're trying to give without really the what the other person doesn't really want it the shadow of this is the martyr and you forget yourself you forget that what you want also matters I've had many people who've told me wow thanks for showing me that what I want mattered I really didn't know that so the shadow here is the marker that forget yourself the do-gooder trying to trying to do good things whether other people want them or not so that's the shadow of give also the shadow of this when you're you're taking action for someone else's benefit this is the slave and I'm not talking here about role play or erotic role play where you know you play with one person having all the power I'm talking about the actual slavery that happened in our country a couple hundred years ago and still happens in other places that's the essence of slavery's that you're giving your actions for someone else's benefit and you don't have a choice about so they receive the shadow of that is lazy entitled and this is the slave owner this is the person who is receiving all the benefits of somebody else's action even though they didn't really want to give it and again we're not talking about slave as a as a kinky BDSM way to play we're talking about actual slaves in our country so that's that dynamic so it's a beautiful dynamic inside the circle of consent outside the circle with consent pretty ugly so allowing and taking outside the circle of content the shadow of taking is groping using ah rape assault and the war also inside the circle of consent really beautiful outside the circle of consent pretty ugly and this what the fear of going here is what keeps many people from actually discovering this so what's the shadow of allowing this is the oh this is another one here's perpetrator so the shadow of is allowing is the doormat the passive tolerate endure the victim and again I don't mean necessarily victim as a mindset the mindset that we all want to not have basically but victim as in real life you walk down the street and get punched so again taking allowing inside the circle of consent really fabulous very fun to play in absolutely luscious and essential to having a full and mature erotic life outside the circle of consent yuck so the the difficulty is that there's some the the circle of consent is a very clear line that's made by a verbal agreement may I you know fill you up yes you may that's an agreement the problem is that there's a kind of a fuzzy edge here where you don't really it's not really well I don't really I don't really want to go on without but I kind of don't know how to say no or I'm afraid if I don't and she'll be mad or you just kind of like freeze up because you forgot that you have a choice about what happens to you it's a muddy place here so many people spend their entire sexual and touch lives right here it's a very sad place to be and you know I'll come back to that when I talk about that quadrant but there's a muddy place here where you're not really sure you want to give it but you don't know how not to so you kind of want to know you know okay so the muddy part up here is where you move forward because you don't really know how to ask so you just start doing stuff and you figure if it's the wrong thing they'll tell you or you just sort of bulldoze your way through not so useful so as you can imagine when this muddy part meets this muddy part then you got really a lot of mud and we'll talk about that later it's not not a happy situation but it's also the situation that many people are in most the time so that's the quadrants two factors one is you're either doing your being done to and it's either for them or it's for you so two kinds of doing if you're doing and it's for them you're giving and if you're doing and it's for you you're taking and there's two kinds of being done to your do your being done to and it's for them you're giving them the gift of yourself that's allowing and if you're being done to and it's for you because it's the way you've asked it to be that's receiving if you are in the giving half you're either giving the gift of your action or you're giving the gift of access to you two different kinds of gifts when you're in the receiving half you're receiving that they're action this kind of receiving or you're receiving access to them this kind of receiving your you're taking action so it's the two questions of the three minute game that create these quadrants and create the dynamics when I say how would you like me to touch you I'm stepping into here and offering this dynamic for you and you say gee would just scratch my back right here and I say sure then we've created the our agreement has created this dynamic when I say how would you like to touch me and you say hmm may I play with your hair and feel your back you say we have plans here if you might feel your back I say hmm yeah I can let you do that then our agreement has set up this dynamic and this is what we're doing so it's the agreement that creates the dynamic and you may what often happens is that you may feel like you're in one and if you feel like you're in one you're going to assume that your partners in the other and that may or may not be true because they may feel like there's somewhere else so what you feel like is not the indicator of which quadrant you're in it's your agreement that creates these and it's those two questions of the three minute game that create that agreement so that's how all those fit together each of them is inherent to being human they have nothing to do with gender they have nothing to do with what sex you are I've had people say well that's the masculine one well that's the feminine one not at all every human being regardless of your Anatomy or your gender needs access to each of those so they're inherently human they are distinct from each other none of them are the same although they can look similar and I've had some times people say well these are the same to me as if well that's really wonderful actually just means that you haven't now neither of them until you can tell the difference you're not in either of them so each of them apparently human each of them is distinct each of them will have its own particular challenge for you there's some themes that run through but yours will be unique to you each of them will have its a hose and its insights each of them will bring give you access to a different aspect of yourself and of your errata sysm it's okay to have favorites but avoiding one does not constitute the other one in your favorite dang huh in order to once you have access to all of them and once you find the enjoyment in all of them then you can claim the right to have a favourite but until you can access all of them you don't actually have a favourite you're just avoiding some of them or you haven't had the opportunity to find them yet each of them is inherently enjoyable if it's not enjoyable you're not actually in it you're doing something else you haven't quite found it yet you're doing something else if you're in the giving half and it's not really enjoyable what you haven't found yet is your responsibility to have a limit and when you have a limit to what you can give and you communicate that then you're giving becomes very generous and very enjoyable both kinds of giving if you're in the receiving half and it's not particularly enjoyable it means you haven't yet discovered that it's really for you and that when it's for you you get to have it the way you want it and then it becomes inherently enjoyable if it's not enjoyable you haven't quite figure out it's for you yet and you get to have it the way you want it so each of them is inherently enjoyable if it's not enjoyable you're not in it you're doing something else each of them can be very erotic and has a different erotic flavor when you play that play sexually but none of them have to be erotic they can be very comforting cozy affirming very he and nourishing they can be really any flavor any of them can be just about any flavor from the comforting cozy to the highly-charged erotic to the playful to the exploratory so each of them has a particular part of your own eroticism that it will give you access to but they're not inherently erotic nor do they need to be when you're giving your grandma a foot rub because she's had a long day you're here but it's not erotic or when you're holding your children to comfort them same thing it's not right so each of them isn't inherently human accessible to everyone we need all of them to be mature and and have integrity and a lot more fun they can be very erotic but they're not necessarily erotic each of them will challenge in a different way and each of them in order to find them you have to enter each of them one at a time trying to do two at once you will not find it and that's sometimes the most challenging part so once you do find them which is the purpose of the lessons and what the game opens for you the purpose of the game is to have fun with it the other thing that happens with the game is that each of these open up and become accessible for you and once you learn to have that once you learn to make an agreement and stick to your agreement then that's when each of them opens up and that's when each of them gives you access to a different aspect of yourself so that's where it becomes a lifelong game lifelong practice a lifelong exploring they just get richer and deeper and more fun and again the more clear the distinction is the more fun they become and that's where the 3-minute game becomes a prac and also it can be a spiritual practice you want to learn generosity or you want to learn gratitude you want to learn integrity or you want to learn surrender this will take you there this one more thing I want to add about this what we're playing with here is taking these apart so that you can dive in and find out who you are in each of them and find the fun that's in each of them and that is not a substitute for your life what happens is that because these skills are so foundational to being able to relate to each other with clarity and with ease and with generosity and gratitude as you learn this and get comfortable with it then you carry those skills into your other times a relationship when you just want to hang out together so this doesn't mean that everything that's happening in your life falls into this categories what you will notice is how this applies in lots of ways that you didn't think it did before and that will happen so it's not a it clarifies the rest of your life and it gives you the skills for the rest of your life but you it is not a substitute the rest of your life it's not a substitute for those times when you just want to hang out and play together and be together and without that sort of strict giving and receiving flow so there's there's giving a gift there's receiving a gift and then there's just hanging out together and join each other neither none of those are a substitute for the other so that's a three minute game that's the two questions that's the quadrants that's how they all fit together that's what each of them has to offer you in the next videos I'm going to take each of them apart and talk more about them what was like to experience them and what they can teach you hope this has been helpful for you and hope you enjoy exploring it