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Exodus 3: God just remembered He's supposed to help the Israelites instead of letting them become slaves. Because he almost forgot. Whoopsie. It's also the story of the Burning Bush. And Moses finally finds something useful to do with his life. Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, I will go over and see this strange sight -- why the bush does not burn up. We'll get to the bush in a second. But since when is his father-in-law's name Jethro? In the last chapter, it was Reuel. How can the writers not keep this straight? Horeb, by the way, is synonymous with Mount Sinai. But as with everything in the Bible, one name is never enough. Thanks for that, Jizzreal. There's also some symbolism here: Moses, who was rescued near water, is now standing near fire. I don't know why that's meaningful, but I feel like my high school English teachers would be pleased. Also, here's some good life advice: If you see anything on fire that doesn't involve you, don't walk towards it. And you know what? Moses is asking the right question: Why doesn't the bush burn up? That violates all the laws of thermodynamics, I assume. I don't know what the laws are. But I'm pretty sure if something's burning, there has to be stuff that burns. Oh my God, the bush must be Satan. When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses! Moses!" And Moses said, "Here I am." Really? We're still doing this? We're still answering God's voice without saying, "WHAT THE F--" In this case, especially, how is Moses not screaming, "Oh my God, why is this shrubbery talking to me?!" And who is talking to Moses, exactly? A second ago, it was an angel of the Lord. Now it's the Lord. What did the angel do in one second to get fired? Literally. "Do not come any closer," God said. "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground." Then he said, "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob." At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God. I'm glad God clarified that He is, in fact, God. Otherwise, that talking bush could've been anyone. Why does Moses have to take off his sandals? He's in the wilderness, on a mountain, after tending to the flock. He's gonna want that footwear. This is not an Indian family's house. Also, why is Moses, who is an adult, covering his face like a toddler who just got caught eating a cookie before dinnertime? It's probably because he doesn't think he can look God or God-in-a-bush directly in the eye. Except that's not true! God already spoke to Abraham in human form in Genesis 18. God wrestled with Jacob. So it's not that weird! The Lord said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey -- the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt." I can't believe He's saying this through a burning bush. He could've written a letter. He could've just showed up in human form. Instead, he's doing some weird cloak and dagger nonsense that is totally unnecessary. It's also kind of weird that this paradise God plans to send them to is a place where all these other people live. Even if they get there, it means they're going to invade a place that is already taken. Whenever you think about visiting paradise, it's probably not crowded. Which means God may be rescuing them by sending them into a new war. And look at God outsourcing His work! He's like, "Moses, I just remembered I'm supposed to help the Israelites, so I will! By sending you. Okay, bye now." But Moses said to God, "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt? You're a main character in the Bible. Start acting like it. You're also the guy talking to a burning bush, so maybe now is not the time to question someone else's logic. And God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain." Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?" God. Just say God. His name is God. Guess what? God's not going to say His name is God. God said to Moses, "I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I am has sent me to you.'" This just turned into a weird "Who's on first" situation. "What's His name?" "I am." You are...? "No, I am." "I am..." "Yes." "No." I guess this is a good time to point out that many scholars say Yahweh is derived from the Hebrew phrase meaning "I am"... but "I am" sounds so much more arrogant. God also said to Moses, "Say to the Israelites, 'The Lord, the God of your fathers --the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob --has sent me to you.' "This is my name forever, the name you shall call me from generation to generation." Dude. Just say your name is God. We don't need a friggin' monologue. We definitely don't need a last name that long. "Go, assemble the elders of Israel and say to them, "The Lord, the God of your fathers --the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob --appeared to me and said: I have watched over you and have seen what has been done to you in Egypt. And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites --a land flowing with milk and honey." Does Moses have anything to take notes on, or is "I am" just expecting him to memorize this instantaneously? Also, do you really need to convince slaves to escape slavery by promising a land of milk and honey? I'm pretty sure they would've followed Moses if the Promised Land included Miller Lite and Splenda. "The elders of Israel will listen to you. Then you and the elders are to go to the king of Egypt and say to him, 'The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us. Let us take a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to the Lord our God.' But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand compels him. So I will stretch out my hand and strike the Egyptians with all the wonders that I will perform among them. After that, he will let you go." So this entire escape plan involves lying to the king of Egypt, then hoping God succeeds with his magic tricks? Not exactly airtight. Also: A three day journey. Remember that one. That one's not gonna age well. And if God has the power to strike the Egyptians, why not just strike them dead? Don't show them "wonders." Just tase them for a bit so everyone can run away. Notice that he says he's going to perform "wonders" to convince the Egyptians to let the Israelites go. That sounds so hopeful, so innocent. You're about to find out that those wonders are more like torture scene after torture scene. And I will make the Egyptians favorably disposed toward this people, so that when you leave you will not go empty-handed. Every woman is to ask her neighbor and any woman living in her house for articles of silver and gold and for clothing, which you will put on your sons and daughters. And so you will plunder the Egyptians. Oh, sweet. God's helping them loot Egypt before they leave. Because if there's one thing I've learned from Christians, it's that God won't do anything unless money is involved. The Prosperity Gospel is older than we ever knew. Look at God... In a while, He's going to say Stealing is forbidden. But the rule is literally not written in stone yet, so God's like, "Here's how we're gonna take everything they've got." I know we're at the end of this chapter, but I just want to remind you that God is still inside of a bush. The question now is whether Moses accepts this plan and will carry it out. I mean, if a burning bush told me to do something, I'd probably listen, too. Though a more realistic version of this story would just have Moses waking up from his delusions and hopefully checking into rehab.